Price of victory
by Weltenmeer
Summary: Johanna Shepard is the one person to pay the price for saving the galaxy. Can Joker find the courage to give his heart to a woman destined to die? Will he be strong enough to pay a price of his own? (Rated M for violence, sex and foul language.)
1. A day in life: To new beginnings

_You are Madonna, you're Lady Divine_

_You are part Mother Theresa and a Valentine_

_Some man's pariah and a slippery slope_

_But to me you are the fire and I fly to my hope_

_(Jude: Madonna)_

„Joker, notify me when our XO arrives," Captain Anderson told Joker over the intercom and disconnected before the pilot's confirmation.

"Who is the XO? Do you have the profile?" Alenko asked from the co-pilot's seat.

"Nothing more than Lieutenant Commander Shepard. Oh, an N7, just like the Captain. Are we opening a club? With jackets and everything?"

"Shepard… Sounds a little familiar. Wait, is that a man or a woman?"

His console flashed, as someone activated the link from the outside. Joker pushed the button:

"This is the SSV Normandy."

"Lieutenant Commander Shepard reporting for duty. Authorisation code…" A strong female voice rattled off a long number that matched the list exactly. While she was at it, Joker gave Alenko a does-this-answer-your-question?-look.

"Acknowledged, Commander. Welcome on board," he said and opened the airlock. While the decontamination sequence ran, he contacted Anderson.

The door finally opened and both Joker and Alenko turned to see the Captain intercept the new arrival right at the entrance. She looked nothing like what they expected. Okay, Joker couldn't say what he'd expected, but this wasn't it. She wasn't tall, but not exactly petite, either, just average height for a human female. She carried herself with deadly confidence and a grace of a tiger. He admired the way her heavy boots planted firmly into the floor, as she shook hands with Anderson. This woman could hold her ground against anyone. She wore a grey uniform and carried a surprisingly small duffel over her shoulder. But that was all secondary. What struck him most was her hair.

She was perfectly blond and wore it in a big knot on top of her head. If she let it down, it would have to be long enough to touch her butt. Blonds were a great rarity these days. About two hundred fifty years ago there were still a lot of blond people on Earth, but with racial intermixture and dark being the dominant colour, real blonds were now almost extinct. In fact, the only blonds Joker had seen were in old vids he liked, like Marilyn Monroe.

He was still thinking about her hair, when Anderson gestured towards the cockpit and she turned.

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau, Staff Lieutenant Alenko," Anderson introduced quickly. "Lieutenant Commander Shepard. Please, Shepard, follow me."

He hadn't given them a chance to greet her, or shake her hand. Both Alenko and Joker looked after them with regret. For the brief moment that she looked their way, he noticed radiant brown-grey eyes with long black eyelashes, a soft shimmer on her lips, and a slightly hooked, noble nose. She was beyond beautiful – she was a vision. And when he had a full view of her rear, he forgot all about her hair and her pretty face. What an ass! She had a great ass, a…

Suddenly he realised that Alenko was staring at the same spot he was, only even more mesmerised. Joker grinned to himself. Less than a minute on duty and she already killed a man.

"Did you see that?" Alenko muttered eventually, when the commanding officers were out of sight.

"I saw plenty. What did you see?" Joker was already running an extranet search for Commander Shepard, hoping for good pictures.

"How young she is? And she's an N7, too! Can you imagine how tough she must be?"

"She's also the sole survivor of the Akuze mission," Joker pointed at his screen. "How's that for tough? A thresher maw attack six years ago wiped out her whole unit. She was even younger then!" he teased Alenko, who dug his nose into the file.

"Almost unbelievable," he said.

"She must be a real hardass. Pun intended," Joker teased carefully. He'd only met Alenko two days ago, when they both reported for duty on the Normandy, and the teasing was only half-friendly right now. "An XO like that could be a real hell."

"She is beautiful, for sure," Alenko said to himself, looking at one particular picture he found. Joker enlarged the same one on his console. It was taken on the Citadel, probably a few years back, because she looked disturbingly young. She wore full gear and armour, without the helmet. In the picture she looked patiently into the camera, her torso half-turned, a gloved hand resting on a huge pistol on her hip, the hair in the same kind of knot she wore today, the arch of her eyebrows framing those shiny brown-grey eyes, not a trace of a smile on her lips. She looked like a lioness, too big and strong to touch a cub, or the photographer in this case – she could crush him with her little finger and she was fully aware of her strength. But that was all the courtesy she was willing to extend to the annoying pest.

"Yep, real hardass," Joker nodded.

* * *

Johanna Shepard was listening carefully to what the Captain was telling her, but she couldn't help noticing two burning hot glances following her from the cockpit. From the early childhood on the streets of Vancouver she developed this extremely useful sense of noticing when someone was watching her. Saved her life countless times. Gave her an advantage in every situation, like a pair of eyes in the back of her head. And she could feel a lot of attention on her person right now, walking next to Anderson through the CIC.

Anderson took her down the stairs and pointed her to the lockers where she could stash her duffel. He ordered her to get acquainted with the ship and the personnel immediately.

"Yes, Captain," she nodded and headed towards the lockers.

First day on duty. She had always had mixed feelings about those. She hated lustful looks men were giving her everywhere she went, and she was fully aware of her beauty. She had worked her ass off in the army so that she was physically able to deflect any unwanted attention, and it was almost always unwanted. No man was allowed to touch her without permission as long as she lived. She craved control in this regard and in every other aspect of her life. But on those first days with a new crew they still didn't know that and she had no control over their wandering eyes. She would have to be extra tough, professional and cold to quickly get these guys where she needed them to be. Under her heel.

It wasn't like she hated all men or was a virgin. Far from it. But Jo always picked her battles, and she picked her lovers. She had her own rules: never a guy she couldn't overpower and manipulate. But the older she got, the higher she rose in rank, the rarer such men caught her interest anymore. Lately she was more interested in accomplished, strong men, yet still pliable enough. Next rule: only on her terms. Last and final rule: no feelings attached. Jo was not the kind of woman to fall for someone head over heels and throw caution to the wind. She never dropped her guard and never relaxed. This behaviour had been hammered into her in the orphanage back on Earth and during all those years in a gang on the streets. That attitude helped her climb the military ladder. Frankly, Jo didn't know any better than constant wariness. She controlled herself best of all: her body was her tool, every move honed to perfection. She could turn off any pain, dizziness, weakness, she could even stop breathing and keep fighting, if she needed to. Her emotions were carefully contained and hidden, leaving no space for subconscious urges. She had been told she was a force of nature many times before, but truly, it came from her firm grip on herself. Jo needed to control her surroundings just as much – it was the only thing that gave her comfort.

Jo stuffed her duffel into the locker. She had no personal effects. All she brought with herself was the minimum of clothes, a toothbrush, and her N7 badge. Life was easy that way. She also brought no drama on board. No family, no friends, nobody out there cared if she lived or died. The Normandy would be another step on her way up, and Jo fully intended to make the very best of this opportunity. Next commendation would have to be a Captain of her own ship.

She downloaded the ship's plans to her omnitool and started her first round as the Normandy's XO. First was the med bay with a Doctor, Karin Chakwas. While Jo was talking to the elder woman, the ship undocked softly. Jo liked a pilot who knew what he was doing.

Leaving the med bay, she ran into the Captain again, who was followed by a turian. Slightly surprised to see an alien where she'd only seen humans so far, she checked herself. Turians helped build this ship, why not have them on the crew?

"Commander, meet Nihlus. He is a Spectre."

The turian offered her his hand for the handshake first, and she shook it firmly.

"Nice to meet you, Nihlus," she said, intrigued. A Spectre? She liked turians in general, but that fetish had no place in this conversation. He looked her down and up with great scrutiny, and Jo let him. He didn't look like a horny human male, he looked like he was assessing her abilities.

"Let's hope you are as good as your Captain claims," he said in the typical turian two-layered voice. Jo put her feet at the shoulders' width, locked her hands behind her back and spoke very seriously:

"I'm even better."

He made a gesture with his mandibles that she made a note to herself to look up in the xeno-encyclopaedia, but said nothing in return.

"Make a good impression, Shepard," Anderson said to her, as the turian walked off.

"I always do, without even trying. You know that, Captain."

She had served under his command a while back, right before she became an N7, and remembered him as a good, tough but fair CO, who had taken an interest in her career and sent a couple of commendations her way once she had the N7 badge. He had personally requested her as his XO on this ship.

"We need this Spectre on our side," he said to her.

A Spectre's presence on the ship put a question mark in Jo's mind. Why would he observe a shakedown run? Of course, the Captain would know the truth, and it would be, as always in the military, on a need to know basis. This was why Jo wasn't always comfortable with military in general. Too many secrets, nobody was allowed to know anything, and often this tactic crippled the Alliance from inside, creating information void, red tape and walls where loss of lives could have been avoided if people weren't forced to follow the rules. That was why she needed to be high up there, to know what was going on. It was too late to pursue a civilian career – she had no marketable skills for that.

Jo went to Engineering to meet the chief engineer Adams, and found him in the company of the Chief Navigator Pressly. Those elder men, she found, always had a little trouble at first seeing her as a competent officer rather than a cute little girl. For them she adopted the commanding voice. That helped them to accept the hierarchy and her place in it above them. She picked their brains about the ship and the crew, until the pilot's voice through the ship-wide transmission announced approaching the relay.

"I'll head to the cockpit, see how this bird flies," she excused herself from Adams and followed Pressly to the CIC. People were working eagerly, rushing this and that way, nodding to her in greeting. Nihlus was in the cockpit, watching the pilots. There was something oddly pleasant in the boyish voice of the main pilot, counting down to the jump. Then everything shifted for a second before they jumped. Nihlus commented on the drift and left the cockpit. Jo sneaked up on the two pilots and listened.

"Remember to zip up your jumpsuit on your way out of the bathroom – that's good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that's incredible!"

Jo grinned, but caught herself quickly. He was funny. That was his prerogative. But she had no business laughing. She didn't have to like her people. It was sufficient that they obeyed her orders to the letter. And yet… she did like the cockiness, the sarcasm, the bravado.

"Only the idiot believes the official story," Moreau was saying.

"They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs," she agreed with him, and both men jumped a little, turning to see her.

The pilot's looks matched his voice. A little boyish, extremely cocky, definitely overcompensating for something. She made a note to herself to find out what it was. His hands were almost a blur over his console even as he was looking over his shoulder at her. She respected the skill. Working with him wouldn't be a problem. She met his eyes briefly, letting him know she agreed with him and appreciated his concern. Voicing it barely a few meters away from the said Spectre and the Captain was bordering on insubordination, and she… kind of liked that about this guy.

Her look drifted to the other man, Staff Lieutenant Alenko. He looked at her with barely hidden awe. She observed him more carefully. He sure was handsome. Rich black hair, pretty face, and sad, soulful black eyes. She reserved judgement about him for the time being, though he made an impression of a dramatic hero.

"Commander," Alenko nodded.

The com pinged and Anderson spoke up roughly, calling Joker for a report. Thus Jo learned the first nickname on the ship.

"Better brace yourself, sir, I think Nihlus is headed your way," Joker said and Jo barely bit down another grin, when Anderson replied unnerved and asked for her in the debriefing room.

"You get that, Commander?" Joker looked up at her and she said:

"Great, you pissed the Captain off and now I'm going to pay for it."

She tapped him on the shoulder lightly, as she left. She had a good feeling that he would get her teasing.

* * *

Joker and Kaidan looked after her once again. Her duffel was gone, and she looked almost homey, the way she was so comfortable in her own skin. Why wouldn't she be? With a body like that… Joker looked down on his shoulder that she touched, and smiled with his eyes only. She had a sense of humour, and she didn't seem to mind his mild insubordination towards the Captain. This promised to be a very interesting job.

Once again he noticed Alenko looking a little smitten. Oh dear, was he really a goner?

* * *

Spectre. Jo was still rolling the concept this and that way in her head, as she stood over Nihlus' dead body. It was an unexpected, but not an unwelcome turn of career, which she was afraid she was about to kiss goodbye now. She let a Spectre die on her watch. Oh, sure, they were supposed to be tougher, more skilled than anyone else in the galaxy. Nihlus looked like a broken doll now. He sure could have used her protection just ten minutes ago. Jenkins could have, too.

No matter how well she hid her emotions from other people, there was always a moment when her heart tightened painfully when she lost someone under her command. She knew in those moments that it was better not to keep lovers or friends, because losing someone she truly cared about would be too painful. The only trouble was – she cared about the well-being of every single person under her command, friend or not. She sure played tough, but deep inside she never remained unaffected.

* * *

Next thing Joker knew was that something was happening very suddenly. One moment the Commander was talking to him on the com, asking for pickup, then she broke off mid-phrase. Shouting came, explosions, roars of energy. Joker's guts clenched. It sounded like a surprise attack, though without gunshots. Then the cameras in the cargo bay showed him the returning party. Alenko was carrying their new XO in a fireman's grip, while Williams, the stray from the colony, gave a report to Anderson. Shepard was unconscious, one arm hanging loosely at Kaidan's side. Joker put the ship in motion, heading for the relay, as he followed the activity in the cargo bay to the med bay, where Chakwas took over. What was going on? She was not dead, right? Right?

A few hours later Kaidan sat quietly next to him in the cockpit. Well, quieter than usual.

"So, how was the shakedown run?" Joker asked him. "You already got the priceless prothean artefact destroyed and rendered our XO unconscious, and we don't know if she ever wakes up. Do you feel proud of yourself?" Joker poked at the other man. He'd learned quickly what happened groundside. Alenko was pale and clearly not well enough to take the teasing.

"The beacon was already active, I didn't… It wasn't…"

"She's waking up," Ashley said, approaching them. In the few hours since Eden Prime they had gotten acquainted. "I'm headed to the medbay to talk to her. You coming?"

"Yes," Kaidan nodded and followed the new girl. Joker stole a look over his shoulder. Ashley was hot. Definitely hot. Clearly, there was never enough female hotness on military ships, and having two beauties at once was an unexpected bonus and a powerful boost to his morale.

* * *

Jo's gut was telling her that she just found herself mixed up in something big, but had no idea what it was. Tiny and helpless, like a rowboat in a storm. And she had a feeling the storm was only just beginning, the worst of it yet to come. The vision from the Prothean artefact made her extremely uneasy. Not just because it showed destruction. It was the fact that she had received it in the first place. It made her feel different than before. Jo couldn't tell how, couldn't tell why, but she was not the same woman who stepped onto this ship yesterday. A storm was coming, she knew it now. But until it did, she would have to go about her duties like every day, waiting, knowing and dying inside.

She told Anderson about the vision and calmed down her anxious ground team. Soon they would arrive on Citadel. Jo had never been there before.

Ashley flattened her nose against the window and gasped:

"Look at the size of that thing!"

Alenko felt the need to put in his own two credits:

"The Destiny Ascension, the flagship of the Citadel fleet."

Joker sounded a little annoyed from his seat:

"Well, size isn't everything."

Jo listened to them with a little smile and looked out of the window as well.

"Well, I'll be damned," she said to herself, but as a clear invitation for the guys to ask her what she was thinking. Joker did:

"What's up, Commander?"

"Well," she folded her arms on her chest, assuming a serious, analytic, even scientific voice and facial expression: "Most of the space ships ever built, even in fiction, are made in the shape of a penis. Even the Normandy looks like a penis with two pairs of testicles. So I always wondered: What would a vagina-shaped spaceship look like? Well, I'll be damned, because if I've ever seen a flying vagina, this is it," she pointed out of the window. "A life-long mystery solved."

Their jaws didn't hit their chests – they were too shocked even for that. All except Joker, that is. He looked straight at his controls, but Jo could see him fighting loud laughter, and not only at her words: Alenko's face was a stuff of legends, as far as priceless looks went.

* * *

**A.N.: Welcome to my Shepard's story. It will be a long one, following the events of all 3 games and beyond. This is my head canon, the way I saw things as I played, so there might be opinions in here that won't agree with everyone, especially with Kaidan lovers. I'll let each of you decide for yourself if you can work with it. Joker and Shepard are my personal one true pair. I'm taking some time with this intro, but I'll move through ME1 events quite quickly.**

**I'd like to thank Jules Hawk for beta reading and for encouraging me to share this with the public.**

**Also, in my profile there is a link to my deviantart page where I posted a couple of pictures I made for this story.**

**Thanks everyone for reading!**


	2. A day in life: How we came to be

The day turned out to be a lot more interesting than she expected when she stepped onto the station. First she met Udina and took note of the man. He would be dangerous for her one day, because their ways to do politics were completely different. While she believed in truth and could push pretty hard to get what she needed, Udina was all about sneakiness, secret influence, under the table favours, whispers, false smiles, and generally all the things Jo didn't like. For now she let Anderson deal with him, conveniently taking refuge in the military hierarchy. But if between the three of them they managed to make Jo a Spectre, she would have to deal with the sleazy man personally.

In her search for proof of Saren's treason Jo had several very interesting encounters. First the slutty asari who suffered under the illusion that Jo cared about her prophecies. When Jo caught her hand before she could touch her face and squeezed the blue wrist not so gently, Sha'ira finally got it and stayed all-business. Still, Jo could feel Alenko's hot glance on herself all day. She could bet her favourite rifle that he was imagining hot lesbian sex for hours after the encounter.

She also met a very interesting turian. Garrus Vakarian. He surprised her at first with his passion to bring Saren down. Later, when she found him in Dr. Michel's office, he took down a merc with one single shot, while that guy was holding the good doctor against himself.

"Great shot," Jo whistled, impressed after a closer inspection of the dead guy's head. The shot was uncannily precise. The praise did not go unnoticed by the turian, who offered his help in her investigation and tagged along. As they were walking around the station, Jo did a little meditation technique from her times in basic training ten years ago. Back then an officer from the training facility mentioned one evening on leave that there was nothing stronger than a good team, where everyone felt each other, where minds and bodies worked together in synch, where communication was obsolete because people just got each other. Back then she was privately learning meditation techniques and found many of them useful in situations when she needed to synch with people. Right now, breathing deeply, she felt Garrus' energy at her side like it had always been there, even though they had only met an hour ago. It would be such a shame when they would have to part ways.

She was still thinking about that when they landed at C-Sec and Jo's mind got blown. First thing she thought was that she'd never seen such a huge krogan. Then he turned to her and fixed her with a heavy red stare and the energy of this old, powerful warrior hit her like an avalanche. She had never felt this way before. Everything in her trembled at his power, her breath caught as she stared at him, trying to find her speech. It wasn't fear, though. It was like coming home. This feeling was worth examining but she had no time for that. Their charge, the quarian, needed to be found, and Jo did all she needed to get her.

Tali was the first quarian she ever met. They had a foul reputation for being thieves and scavengers, but Jo felt deep pride and dignity in this young girl.

Things went really fast then. Udina presented her findings to the Council, which stripped Saren of his status and made Jo the first human Spectre. Just like that, with a minimal effort on her part (running around the station was not exactly a challenge for an N7 marine) she got everything she ever wanted.

While Udina and Anderson were figuring out all the specifics, Jo asked all the aliens she met today to join her as her team. She had the authority to do that now and wanted to explore those feelings they evoked in her a little closer. Maybe something good would come out of their cooperation.

* * *

Next time Commander Shepard came back to the ship, life had changed as Joker knew it. Through the vid feed he watched them work their way around the Citadel, meet and shoot people, and he was pretty much there with them, when she received the honours from the Council. His head was spinning, when the airlock opened and a whole bunch of people entered. First came Ash and Kaidan, after them the small quarian, and then Joker had to look up. And up. And still up. It was not just a krogan stepping onto the bridge, it wasn't even a tank. It was a juggernaut mated with a dragon, pure menace, battle fury and scars. Joker saw him through Shepard's feed earlier, but he hadn't realised the actual size of the alien. He couldn't imagine anybody being comfortable around _that_ thing. Except, of course…

"Nice to have you on board, Wrex," Shepard friendly clapped the krogan on the shoulder and smiled. "Pressly will show you where you can stow your equipment."

Joker decided this was the one moment in his life to keep his tongue. Just hold it and resist the temptation.

Another alien followed Shepard, a tall turian who went by the name of Garrus. He was just as tall as the krogan, but looked almost delicate and fragile in comparison. After Wrex stomped off the bridge, Jo let Alenko show Garrus around and left Tali in Ashley's care. She dismissed them all and finally turned to him. He turned to face his console and placed his hands idly on the edge. Shepard stopped next to him, took a deep breath and released it. The last day on the Citadel had shifted her world, too, no doubt.

"I heard what happened to Captain Anderson," Joker began, conversationally. "Survives a hundred battles and gets taken down by backroom politics. Just watch your back, Commander. Things go bad on this mission – you're next on their chopping block."

She sighed very seriously:

"Oh, I intend to watch my back every second of every day with them." Then she smirked down on him: "After all, I'm just too young and too pretty to be beheaded."

"You got that right," he smirked back. "Just so you know, everyone on this ship is behind you, one hundred percent. If you wanna say something to the crew, the intercom is open."

She thought for a moment, gathering her thoughts. Funny how he'd seen her professional, tough, heroic, unconscious, wickedly funny, sarcastic, sneaky, foul-mouthed, diplomatic, smiling, screaming, confused, satisfied and flustered all within two days after meeting her.

"Normandy crew, this is Commander Shepard. We have been given an honour to represent the human race before the whole galaxy. We have a task that comes with a great responsibility. Stop Saren and his geth. They attacked a human colony and they certainly won't stop there. It is not only our job to look out for our own, it's up to us to do the right thing for every species out there. We have to prove that humanity is a worthy part of the galactic community. We will fight this battle for the sake of all races and we will be victorious. Stand strong. Stand fast. Stand together. Shepard out."

She turned off the intercom and Joker shifted in his seat from the shiver of excitement running down his spine.

"Well said, Commander," he noted.

"We will be victorious, Joker."

"Boy, am I glad you're the Captain," he said. "I mean, it's not that Captain Anderson wasn't a good Captain, he was, but you sure know how to motivate a guy."

"I'm glad you think so," she relaxed her heroic stance and leaned her butt against the low divider between his seat and the console to his left. "Since this is my ship now, I'd like to get to know my crew a little better," she said with a polite smile.

"Oh," his mood changed in an instant. "I see. You did a background check on me, didn't you? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told the Captain: you _want_ me as your pilot. I'm not good, I'm not even great," he worked himself up. "I'm the best damn helmsman in the entire Alliance Fleet. Top of my class in flight school – I _earned_ that. All those commendations in my file – I earned every single one. Those weren't given to me as charity for my disease!"

* * *

Jo rocked back a little on her perch. The power he hit her with… The energy of his presence was not any smaller than Wrex's, but it was different. Something pinched painfully in her chest, left her breathless, blood pumping like crazy through her veins. She knew she would always remember this moment, though she wasn't sure yet what for. Something just happened that she couldn't name or place. Just a moment and it was gone, leaving her shivering and more than a little confused. But he didn't need to know that.

* * *

When Joker looked up at the Commander, he found a slightly raised, confused blond eyebrow (all the while her lips were curling into a magnificent smile):

"Your disease? What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Wait," his rage deflated like a balloon. "You didn't know? Oh, crap."

"Didn't know what?"

He rubbed his eyes with his fingers, fully aware that he'd put his foot in his mouth. Then he explained his condition to her.

"Put the Normandy in my hands and I'll make her dance for you, Commander. Just don't make me dance, unless you like the sound of snapping shinbones, or something."

As he waited for her verdict, already hating her for whatever she was about to say, she made herself more comfortable where she sat and asked him honestly, without any worry or pity:

"Tell me more about it, about you."

"Right." He told her some more about himself, about being born with fractures and the general survival chances of people with his condition. "Lucky for me, modern science turned me into a productive member of the society."

"You're not going to break a bone trying to fly the ship, are you?" She said and he began speaking about not flying with his feet, when he realised she was teasing him.

"Don't worry, Commander."

"Oh, I'm not worried," she straightened up and turned to leave with a chuckle. "You're the one that's worried."

"And what are you laughing about?" he asked before he checked his mouth for insubordination. To his endless wonder, she turned and said:

"I like men with a lot of spunk. I think we'll get along just fine, me and you. Plot the course for Artemis Tau, we're taking off as soon as the shipment with turian and quarian food arrives."

She left him after once more tapping him on the shoulder. He took his time to digest what just happened. This was his new Captain? This girl? She looked so young when she smiled and relaxed! But then again, she looked ten years older when she delivered headshots to thugs in a bar and received the most important political position for humanity since the discovery of mass effect. He thought again and again about this conversation. She was a mystery.

* * *

Jo made a stop to talk to Alenko on her way to her own cabin. She needed time to think, but the guy with those sad, soulful black eyes looked at her so hopefully that she couldn't walk by.

Ten minutes later her head was buzzing from all the information he managed to put into the conversation. She barely asked a question and he poured his heart out. About his father, his mother's exposure, his training at BAaT, his old girlfriend, and a downright love confession to Jo, after comparing her to that aforementioned old girlfriend. Jo's heart was still pounding after everything that happened that day, after the conversation with Joker, and the devil made her smile at Alenko when he asked her if she was as friendly with everyone.

"No, not really," she said. This, at least, was true. "Talk to you later."

He read much more into it than she meant, however, as he blushed:

"I'll… I'll need some time to… process that, Commander, but… yeah, yeah, I'd like that."

Jo turned the corner and went to her cabin. Only this morning this was Captain Anderson's room, but now the world had changed. She was the first human Spectre. She was not under the Alliance command anymore. The Council gave her a task and a few leads, but no orders about how to accomplish the goal. She was free to choose her way. The Normandy was her ship. She had aliens on board. The vision from the beacon still ghosted around in her mind, along with all the little details about the mission that made no sense. Saren, geth, Protheans, the gigantic ship of no known profile… Those were the things she should be thinking about. Instead she thought about Alenko's blush, Joker's outburst, and the way Wrex, Garrus and Tali made her feel.

She started pacing up and down the cabin, increasing speed more and more. Feelings were dangerous. They screwed up her focus, made her care about things she shouldn't care about, and most importantly: feelings created a crack in her cool and professional image. To make them go away she needed to analyse them and store them in carefully labelled boxes in her mind. But walking a line into her cabin's floor wasn't helping. Impulsively, she went out, to the elevator and down to the cargo bay.

"Garrus," she declared, catching the turian's attention. "Spar with me."

This would do. He was one of those people she needed to think about anyway, so she could do that while picking him apart.

"Sure, Shepard," he said, meeting her in the middle of the room. Ash, Wrex and some techies gathered around to watch.

He gave her no quarter. She had expected to wipe the floor with him, but he was quite good. The thing was… she was having fun. His presence seemed to fit right in with her back on the Citadel, and the sparring session only intensified it. He was not as good as she was, of course, because she knew all the dirty, ruthless way to fight for her life. But there was no need to use all that knowledge on him. Garrus was not her enemy. So, his presence felt right. Fighting by his side felt safer than with anyone else. Sparring with him was real fun. So what if he made her feel something? Was it a crime? Sweaty and panting after a while, Jo found herself showing him best spots to harm humans. Humans were such a new species in the galactic community that most people out there still knew little more than that a head shot killed them. Jo carefully avoided teaching Garrus any fighting techniques right away, just pointed out a few vulnerable spots on her body, but he did the math all by himself. Next thing she knew, she was on her back, gasping for air, with his foot pressing into her throat.

In return he told her some things about turians that were not in the educational books she had read during her military training. People were cheering and placing bets, but everyone knew that things would look a lot different in a real fight to the death.

When they finally stopped, both tired and happy, Garrus rubbed his sore spots:

"I think we have a lot to learn from each other, Shepard. I'm looking forward to that."

"So do I, big guy, so do I," she patted him on the shoulder. There were some crates by Ashley's bench and Jo took a moment to catch her breath there.

"Are you sure it's wise to teach a turian how to kill humans, Commander?" Ashley asked quietly.

"Yes," Jo replied simply. Ash hadn't expected that definite kind of reply. She shook her head.

"It's an alien. Not our friend."

"What does 'alien' mean, Ash?" Jo asked her. "A stranger. Someone different from you, someone you don't know. Turians and all the other races will be alien to us as long as we refuse to get to know them, as long as we separate ourselves from them and won't let them get to know us."

Ash remained unconvinced, but Jo let it go for the time being. She couldn't order someone to dismiss their believes over night. Jo looked behind Ash towards Wrex, who polished his rifle in calm, silent solitude. Right now there was not a being on this ship that dared to approach him. Even Garrus seemed like a puppy next to him. Well, if there was a mystery to this krogan, Jo needed to find out what it was.

"Wrex," she approached him.

"Shepard," he nodded. She asked him about his story and he refused, grunting at her that she shouldn't compare human history to the krogan, but Jo noticed that she didn't have to look up at him so far anymore. He bent a little down to talk to her, making himself more approachable. There was still that coiled energy behind his voice, carefully contained fury at the whole world, and he was not about to do her any favours, but Jo could feel her insides sing in his presence. It felt like the two of them were the same kind of animal. She felt a sudden urge to touch him, lean her forehead against his and growl deeply in her lungs. Seemed like the best way to get to know him.

Jo carefully contained that urge. First of all, she didn't know how this krogan would react to such a gesture. Second, when she left him she was more confused than before, with even more questions. What was going on here? Twenty nine years of self-preservation, plans, goals, career and control – and in one single day she had been forced through an emotional rollercoaster she had never been through before. Everything she had worked so hard on to protect herself from the outside world was crumbling down around her and she was helpless to stop it. What was happening to her?

Jo knew that talking to Tali would break another part of her protective walls, but she needed to welcome the young quarian on board. She picked her brain about her people, the pilgrimage, personal things. Tali turned out to be easier to deal with than Garrus and Wrex. Maybe there was no male-female tension here, or maybe Tali was just that kind of person. Proud, dignified, curious, nice, smart. Despite Jo's expectations she felt a lot better after that talk.

In the night, when they were on their way to pick up Benezia's daughter, Jo lay sleepless in darkness. After everything that happened that day there was one thing more important than any others. The Prothean vision. Jo couldn't tell exactly what it meant, but after hearing Saren and Benezia speak of the Reapers Jo thought she could imagine well enough. The Protheans disappeared so quickly and left almost no trace at all. They had been to Earth before, though, and left the Mars archives like a message for the humans to find. Maybe they left such caches of information for all the races. Maybe they knew they were going to die quickly very soon. If Saren wanted the Reapers to return, it stood to reason that the people living now would face the same kind of fate the Protheans did.

Will there be our beacons and archives guiding peoples fifty thousand years from now? – Jo thought. Will they wonder what happened to us? Will they find the Citadel and thank us for its construction? The relays, too?

That thought bothered her. What if Protheans didn't build those things, like everyone thought they did? Something happened to them, wiped out their people, cities, their entire civilisation – except for the Citadel and the Relays? Why would someone wipe them out so thoroughly only to leave such prominent devices intact? It made no sense. Jo knew that she had to solve that puzzle. Whatever she uncovered, it would be bigger than anyone could imagine. This vision, this knowledge, had been given to her as a warning and as an encouragement to act. A dying race's last warning could be her own world's only salvation. Or it could all be a bogus idea of a turian lunatic. Either way, Saren was a threat. She would have to find him and ask him about the rest of it. And she was not planning to ask nicely.


	3. Goddess divine

Liara turned out to be 'barely more than a child', even if she stood her ground against the mercs Saren sent to kill her. However, as Jo was carefully lining up a shot at one of them, the guy suddenly jerked up in the air, pulled by Liara's anomaly. Jo's shot went uselessly into the wall behind him.

"Fuckit," she swore under her breath. The ruin was coming down around them, the mercs were shooting and now the girl's biotics were getting in the way of Jo's fight. She remembered once again why she disliked biotics so much and why Alenko wasn't here with them today. Ash and Garrus were. Jo had never landed in a situation where biotics were more useful than the arsenal she was carrying, and she doubted she ever would. It was her firm conviction that biotics were a fancy toy to have when you were already a good warrior with powerful weapons, like Wrex, but they could never replace true firepower.

Back on the Normandy Liara showed herself to be an agitated, passionate, archaeologist child. After the debriefing, while Joker was plotting the course for the next mission, a rogue VI that Hackett asked her to take care of, Jo had more time to think about all the changes in her life. She relished this new feeling of freedom from the military, from orders. She was now exactly where she always wanted to be: not at the very top of power – she never desired political power at all – but high enough to do things her own way without having to obey someone else blindly. She had her ship, she had a team, and she had an important mission. And that… left her desiring things she never knew she wanted.

Alenko's longing glances came to mind. Whenever he saw her these days, he would smile at her like they shared a secret. Other times there was pain in his eyes, like being around her and not being allowed to love her was torture for him. Jo wondered if this was what she had been missing before. Love. She'd had a few crushes in her life, also some well-calculated one-night-stands, but mostly she had been too busy driving men away.

She had been messed up much too early. In the orphanage, after her parents died, she had seen something no child was ever supposed to see. She was only six or seven back then. That was when she decided on some subconscious level that in order to prevent the same thing from happening to her she would have to become stronger than any man. She wore baggy clothes and her hair short and messy to reduce her attractiveness and called herself Jo so that many people mistook her for a boy. When that disguise stopped working, she cut all ties with her previous life and embraced the security of frat regs in the military. She kept the 'Jo', though. It was ambiguous enough to confuse people even now. In all this time of acting like a boy and hiding her femininity she'd hardly spent any time thinking of love. Real love.

Now that her career advancement reached the peak of her desires, maybe something new was on the horizon. Maybe she could grow to like someone? Maybe there was a man out there who would love her for everything she was, not just her unusual hair and her smoking hot ass? Could it be Alenko?

Never a girl to postpone, Jo went to talk to him at his station. He told her he liked "adventurous women", whatever that meant. Apparently, Liara wasn't one. Did Jo qualify? That conversation left her a little confused. The first time they really talked, the day she became a Spectre, she was riding a wave of high emotions and somehow logically concluded that it was Alenko's flirting and barely hidden love confession that got her heart beating so wildly in her chest. After all the thoughts about love a few minutes ago she had fully expected this heartthrob to return, she'd expected to feel some deeper connection to the man. Hell, at the very least she'd expected to like him. None of that happened. She didn't understand why.

These thoughts confused her. Jo decided instead to concentrate on some smaller missions for Hackett and a few other people who needed her help. On one of these missions Jo took them to Edolus to look for Rear Admiral Kahoku's men. Wrex and Garrus were riding with her in the mako. Those two had bickered long and hard about Garrus' slow and careful driving style on other missions, which Wrex despised, and Wrex' daredevilish driving that Garrus hated. Today Jo was driving herself and soon Garrus became very silent in the back seat, holding on to anything in reach for dear life, while Wrex was having a great time. Jo had never seen the krogan so relaxed and happy before. The broken wheels of the mako were more than worth the sight.

Wrex' enthusiasm almost distracted Jo from the nagging feeling in her gut. But as the missing team's beacon got closer, the feeling intensified to an almost panic attack and Jo pressed her foot on the brakes, bringing them to a screeching halt just a few meters away from the beacon.

"What the fuck, Shepard?" Wrex grunted, but the pale, worried look of her shut him up immediately.

"What's going on, Shepard?" Garrus asked from behind and Jo pressed her fingers harder around the steering wheel.

"Thresher Maw," she said hoarsely.

"What? Where? How do you…"

The ground suddenly exploded and the gigantic worm shot up from beneath, spitting acid at them. Jo twisted the wheel hard to the side and put the mako in full motion, bumping on random rocks around the clear area of the Thresher Maw's nest.

"Shoot that fucker!" She yelled at her team and when they got that she was driving in a circle, Garrus grabbed the turret gun.

Half an hour later Joker asked carefully in Jo's earpiece:

"Commander, are you all right?"

She was sweating ice and her hands trembled as she got out of the vehicle, followed by her guys.

"Yeah, yes, I'm fine," she croaked. Slowly and carefully she approached the dead animal on the ground. They had killed it, but it had been hell.

"You don't sound so great," Joker sounded concerned.

"Are you seeing what I'm looking at?" Jo was close enough to the dead Maw now to touch.

"Ugh, yeah," Joker audibly shuddered.

"First time I met one of these beauties, we were fifty one men, we were on foot, we had rifles and pistols and we didn't stand a chance. I lost fifty men that day, Joker. One of them shot me while the Maw was eating him alive. I dragged myself through sand, stone, dust, despite blood loss and shock for miles to the LZ. Since then I have a connection to these things. Can feel it in my ass when one is near. I'll never be unprepared again."

"I'm really sorry, Commander."

"Don't be sorry for me, Joker. As long as that tab is still open, be sorry for the Thresher Maws I'm killing. One of them for each one of my dead men."

Jo felt the power of the two men engulf her from behind, giving her the sense of safety she never thought she could feel, especially when she was touching a dead Thresher Maw. Wrex put his hand on her shoulder.

"How many have you already killed?" Garrus asked, continuing the conversation she'd just had with Joker.

"This is the third."

"You have a long way to go," Wrex said solemnly. "If you need some help, I'm always up for a Thresher Maw hunt."

"Yeah," Garrus agreed. They knew this was her way of dealing with one of the most traumatic experiences in the military.

"Thank you," she nodded, taking a deep breath. "I guess we can safely guess what happened to Kahoku's men."

When they docked at the Citadel again, Jo gave everyone shore leave and took Garrus and Ash with her for some business. Right at the airlock she bumped into an officer she'd never met. His insignia marked him as a Rear Admiral. Ash jumped at attention and saluted:

"Ten-hut!"

Jo gave her a glare. Admiral or not, he was not in their immediate chain of command. Ashley's blind obedience to anyone outranking her was kind of annoying.

"Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, Fifth Fleet," he said and demanded to inspect this 'overpriced piece of tin' that Council had gotten their 'tentacles' on before he could.

"You should be grateful for such an opportunity, Admiral," she said back firmly. She wouldn't stand for anyone insulting her ship or her crew.

"You still know what colour your blood is, Shepard?" he glared at her and something cold shifted in Jo's guts. An old disgust. This officer obviously knew who she was, knew her record, knew how important her appointment as the first human Spectre was for the humanity, and still he had the nerve to suggest she was not human anymore, just because she worked with other races? Was this how humanity and the Alliance saw her now? An alien lover? That was rich. Sadly, it was not in any way surprising. A few years ago during her N training she got to read the real reports on the Shanxi incident, not the beautified official version. She'd been furious with the Alliance for the way they had dealt with the first contact humanity had ever had with an alien species. Didn't anyone else realise what a miracle it had been, what a historic moment: the first contact ever with an alien species? The answer to the age-old question of humanity? It was unbelievable that the Alliance hadn't changed a bit ever since. Jo firmly believed that the conflict should have been avoided at all cost, just as much as countless conflicts caused by human aggression and intolerance since then should have been avoided. Did it make her an alien lover? Maybe, but so what? She firmly believed that humanity and especially the Alliance could be better than this fine example of human behaviour Garrus had to witness: narrow-minded, short-sighted, prejudiced and war-oriented. The Admiral once more made her ashamed of the whole Alliance brass and of being a part of it. Jo had absolutely no intention of letting him onto her ship.

At that point the airlock opened and some more crew members exited the ship on their way to shore leave. Wrex and Liara were among them. The Admiral almost choked:

"Aliens?" he pointed from Garrus to the others. "You have aliens on your ship? What are you thinking? You can't allow aliens free access to Alliance equipment!"

"I'm a Spectre and it's my duty and pleasure to work with all the species. Simple-minded officers see the Normandy as a wasted chance to build more warheads to kill each other. I see an opportunity to work out our differences and end the wars between ourselves. We are one galactic community and the only way for us to exist is peaceful cooperation. Someone who served long and hard enough to become an Admiral and still doesn't know that is not worthy of our attention. So please, clear the gangway."

"Have it your way, Shepard, but expect me to file a report on this," the Admiral said grudgingly.

"I'll expect you to quote my words exactly," she said after him. When he left, Jo noticed that Ash looked really pissed and she wasn't hiding it.

"Ash, a word, please?" Jo asked the other woman after sending the others down in the elevator. She invited Ash to go to the little balcony where a Keeper worked. They had the best view of the Normandy from there.

"Talk to me, Ash," Jo said quietly.

"With all due respect, Commander, the way you spoke to the Admiral was not acceptable. He is both your and my superior officer and deserves our respect! And why didn't you let him inspect the Normandy? She is his ship, technically. And don't tell me you don't know he's right about the aliens on board. You allow them free access to everything on the ship. Weapons, systems, engines, everything! You know it's dangerous! They are dangerous. And when this is all over, they will disappear, while you and I will have to go back to the Alliance. This will remain on our record and we'll have to deal with the consequences. I stand by you right now, but I'm in enough trouble with the Alliance brass as it is, so…" Ash stopped gesturing and her anger finally deflated. "I'm sorry, Commander. Don't worry about me. You're my CO. If you say to kiss a turian, I say which cheek."

"Ash, I asked you to share, and it's important to me that you know I always listen to what my people have to say."

"So you agree, then?"

"I didn't say that. Look at her," she gestured at the shiny round sides of the Normandy. "What do you see?"

"A state of the art warship."

"Yes. What I see is a neutral ground. I see a chance to advance humanity in the galactic community in ways that have nothing to do with war. You know as well as I do that shooting people isn't always the answer."

"Yes, but…"

"I know you believe that humanity is alone, on its own. But Ash, look around us. There are so many other species out there. We're not alone. Never were. We're a part of a community. Isn't that a miracle? For thousands of years our ancestors on Earth looked at the stars and asked the same question over and over: is there life out there? You and I are the first generation that grew up in a new world. We know the answer to humanity's biggest question. We are not alone. But look around. These aliens aren't so different from us. They eat, sleep, love, hate, have dreams and goals, and they protect themselves. Right now humanity is more dangerous to them than they are to us. What do you see in our future, Ash? Would you like us to declare war against everything non-human and take dominance in the galaxy by force?"  
Ash remained silent, defiantly shaking her head at everything Jo was saying.

"Tell me, what do you see in our future?" Jo insisted.

"I… I don't… I jut don't know."

"Well, at least I'm grateful that you don't actually see us killing all the others to gain dominance." Dominance. The word was Jo's personal pet peeve. She'd heard many pro-human organisations and individuals back on Earth speak out for human dominance in the galaxy. The idea scared her more than a colony of Thresher Maws. Sadly, this idea sometimes took roots in the minds of people who had the power to see it through, like that Admiral Mikhailovich, for example. Being an N7, Jo sometimes came across mission reports that gave her cold shivers. Hate crimes. Discrimination. Things committed by civilians as well as military, covered up, swept under the rug. So many inside the Alliance were just like Ashley, prejudiced and narrow-minded. Jo had been a loyal soldier once upon a time herself, like Ash was now. But the N program changed that years ago. Most of the time now Jo was a little disillusioned with the Alliance as a whole. Sometimes she was downright outraged. On days like today Alliance scared her.

"But… How can we trust them?"

"They are not all out to kill us, Ash."

"I know that, but…"

"Do you think we deserve galactic dominance?" she asked with a cold knot in her guts. If Ashley said yes right now, Jo would have no other choice not to send the woman away, off the Normandy, off her team. She couldn't work with someone who believed in human dominance.

"Uhm…" Ash obviously tried to hold on to her beliefs, but her anger was waning and Jo's gentle, quiet voice was getting under her skin. She dropped her shoulders and exhaled: "No. Not really."

Jo exhaled as well, relieved in more ways than she would ever let Ash know.

"You know, I personally think that nobody deserves dominance," she said then. "We are all a part of something bigger than one individual or a single species. We all contribute. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Each individual and each group have something to give and something to take. Each person on my crew can contribute to creating something bigger than politics, bigger than wars, or religion. Peaceful cooperation."

"You really believe it, don't you, Commander?" Ash had a tear in her eye.

"Yes, I do. Alliance is only one group of many. Whatever happens next, we won't be able to win if we stand alone. We all need each other. I do understand of course, if you can't see it as I do. I'm not forcing anyone. If my way disturbs you too much, I'll give you the best recommendation and let you choose your own next assignment."

"No, Commander," the other woman said firmly, rubbing the moisture in the corner of her eye away. "I think I'll stay right here. Someone needs to watch your back when you're running around the galaxy like a madwoman."

"Thank you."

* * *

Joker watched and listened to the entire exchange on his console. The things she said to Ashley made him think, too. He didn't join the military because he had no other choice. Hell, it should have been his last choice if anyone around him had anything to say about it. His parents, his doctors, neighbours, anyone. With his off-the-charts IQ and aptitude test results as a child and teenager he could have been a head programmer in some government facility, knowing secrets no one should ever know, or alternately the most brilliant criminal mastermind in the galaxy. Everyone insisted he should take a government career back then. He had made his own choice and joined the Alliance. Sure, he wanted to stick it to everyone who ever told him what he couldn't do. But listening to Commander Shepard talk to Ashley made him hope deep inside that it had been more than that. Maybe some kind of faith. Perhaps even fate. He had worked very hard to be here right now. Sure, even he thought that his Commander was a crazy and eccentric person sometimes (when he wasn't fantasising about her sexy round knees and supple thighs…), but she had a vision and he respected that more than her accuracy with the sniper rifle. He liked that about her. All his sarcasm, all defences and venomous remarks aside, he was proud to contribute to Commander Shepard's vision. She was talking about things outside the military, and Joker was not a hardcore loyalist like Ashley to try and hold her back. He of all people could see the military's limitations clearly. He'd made his choice there and then. Her vision was worthy and he would follow her wherever she took them. Out of Alliance, out of humanity, out of the galaxy? He was committed.

The atmosphere on the ship was slowly improving. Wrex was now often seen swapping stories with Garrus, Ashley and other humans, bragging about his skill in good humour, telling them many gruesome details about his work as a merc. The techies were all in love with Tali. Joker wasn't sure if anyone even noticed that Liara was actually an alien. They were all coming to the mess hall more often now, and the awkward silence at the table was gone. Shepard was spreading the spirit of interspecies cooperation, and even Joker couldn't fully escape it. Once at dinner Wrex suggested that he was a weakness on the ship. In that moment Joker stole a quick glance at Shepard, who sat next to the krogan. She didn't jump to his defence. Instead she had that sparkle in her eyes that told him: she knew he didn't need her or anyone else's protection. Even Joker realised that Wrex was testing him, cajoling him into claiming his spot in the ship's hierarchy. He did his best then to make Wrex and everyone else understand just how far they would all go if he wasn't at the helm. Into the mouth of that volcano that swallowed Liara's dig site, that's how far.

It was a new feeling, knowing that this huge boulder of menace didn't actually mean him any harm, and the satisfied huff at the end of his speech was his confirmation that Wrex accepted him as a valuable team member. Another glance in Shepard's direction made his guts sing. She was smiling with pride. For a moment there he allowed himself the thought that he could understand Alenko's awe. That kind of smile from that kind of a woman meant everything to a man.

As the missions took them all over the galaxy, the crew discovered a particularly entertaining pastime. One evening in the mess Shepard casually commented on the circumference of Adams' head in some silly context about helmets. Ashley asked if Shepard knew that measure from Adams' file, but the Commander simply said:

"I can see him, can't I?"

That sparked interest. She told them that she'd trained herself for a long time to correctly estimate distances, lengths, weights and volumes of things around her and could tell the precise size of something just from looking at it. It was an invaluable ability in a fight. They started asking her how long the table was, how tall the ceilings, how heavy the plates and cups and kept measuring the stuff afterwards with their omnitools. To everyone's fascination, the numbers she gave them were uncannily correct. The smaller the object, the more precise she was. Joker loved watching that game through the security cameras that he had hacked a long time ago. She was a very analytic person and her brain seemed to work almost like a computer, taking the world in as a matrix of numbers. She was also very observant and nothing escaped her attention. No matter how hard the others tried to trip her up, she always gave them exact numbers.

Those long and easy conversations changed everything. All the soldiers on board knew well that fraternisation began long before any romance started, and the ship's captain was forbidden by all rules to engage in any kind of fraternisation. Best way to run a ship was to impose the absolute authority of a goddess divine on her people. The captain had to be a separate unit from everyone, a figure of supreme power. Space was not a gentle place and the captain needed blind obedience. Also, junior officers and staff needed to have some space from the captain now and then to vent their tension and frustration without getting in trouble. But this ship was not like any other. This crew wanted their CO to spend time with them. They wanted to know her better. They wanted her attention. Somehow they even found ways to vent their frustration about hard work, long shifts, bad food and not enough shore leave to her face.

She worked harder than any of them, perhaps that was the reason they respected her so much. She knew all about their work, found time to address their complaints and issues, to get to know them personally, to give them the maximum shore leave she could. Everyone was slowly realising that this was not a military ship any longer. She demanded a lot from them and didn't tolerate stupid mistakes when she knew they were fully capable of more. But she gave them everything they needed to be at their best. It was no wonder that after a few months she became a very new kind of goddess divine to them all.


	4. Conversations

The journey to their next destination, Noveria, would take them over two days. Perfect time for secret conversations in dark corners, perfect time for Joker to watch people who didn't know he was watching them. Well, Alenko knew, his relief pilot knew, and so did Shepard, but other crew members didn't seem to realise that their lives were his private soap opera with the benefit of no interruptions for commercials.

„Hey, Kaidan, are you up for another episode of Beauty and the Beast?" Joker teased Alenko in the seat next to him, pointing at his screen. This time he was looking at the cargo bay feed. Kaidan looked over, probably even more interested than him. The Beauty – the miniature blond human girl a.k.a. their Commander – stood in a comfortable posture in front of the Beast, the biggest, nastiest krogan in the galaxy.

"She's chatting with Wrex again?" Kaidan muttered. "They are like best buddies by now. Does she know you're calling them Beauty and the Beast?"

"I'm sure they'd both love it. They do look rather chummy."

"What do _you_ think of all these aliens on board?" Kaidan looked over at him curiously. Joker realised that Alenko hadn't asked him that until now. Actually, nobody had. He was hiding up here from them all and tended to forget that watching them on his screens didn't mean he was an actual part of the social life. Well, he definitely had nothing against Liara. She looked very cute and sexy. Honestly, who wasn't into a little blue? He wasn't sure he liked not knowing what Tali looked under her helmet, but her hips made up for that inconvenience. Everyone seemed to like the girls. Wrex' and Garrus' origins were still a point of notice and interest, as they were both aggressive and potentially dangerous males. Shepard however seemed comfortable with everyone. She spent just as much time with the aliens as with the humans, and the most amazing part of it was that she had no trouble at all communicating with them. She spoke their language way beyond simple translation. She had a whole language with Wrex that nobody else could understand. It mostly consisted of grunts, growls and snarls. Also, Joker had a strong suspicion that Garrus was secretly crushing on Shepard, harder than even Alenko.

"I think we're looking at a miracle worker here," Joker said honestly. "She could change the world, you know. Years from now we'll be remembering this and we won't believe that we've had the luck to be a part of this."

"Yeah," Kaidan said with a little sadness.

"Why, are you jealous that she doesn't spend all her time with you?"

"What?" Alenko's head whipped around to see Joker.

"Come on, I'm the guy with the access to the security cameras and helmet feed. I know how flustered you get when she comes to talk to you at your station, how you look after her longingly, and how firmly your helmet camera is fixed on her…"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it."

For a few moments they stared at the screen. Shepard was laughing about something Wrex said and he seemed pleased. Even Joker felt a little tug of something he didn't want to name in his guts, so it didn't surprise him when he saw a shadow over Kaidan's face. The couple on the screen looked a lot like they were flirting. All of his and Kaidan's instincts screamed: peaceful cooperation or not, they are different species! But it didn't seem to matter squat to either Shepard or to Wrex.

Joker closed the feed and settled back in his seat.

"Don't think you should be watching this, mate," he said to Alenko, and he would never admit that he was telling it just as much to himself.

"Am I that obvious?" Kaidan seemed troubled, his work forgotten. Joker looked over at the other man for a moment. As Joker's assigned co-pilot Alenko was spending a lot of time on the bridge and apparently had grown confident enough to ask Joker such questions. And Joker was not entirely comfortable with that. He did not like to be pestered in general. Well, truth to be told, he was a misanthropic asshole who liked pushing people's buttons and driving them away. Anyone who didn't get his sense of humour did not deserve it, or his attention. The only person on this ship so far to get him, truly get him, was Shepard. Joker would never admit to himself or anyone else how much he appreciated her. But consciously or not, he knew that Alenko was not his friend in this department. There was only one Shepard, and if she was spending time with Alenko, then she was not coming around to check up on Joker. Kaidan was polite and friendly all the time, and that scratched Joker's nerves. One always had to be careful what they were saying around Alenko because of his correctness, his by-the-book demeanour, while Joker was all about breaking rules and sticking it to the man. Or woman, in their specific case. Shepard got his teasing and this connected her to him somehow. Whatever that connection was, it was not something he wanted to share with Kaidan, or for Kaidan to interfere.

"Yeah, man, you are that obvious," he said a little colder. "What do you see in her anyway?"

Kaidan gave him an are-you-kidding-look, then sighed a little.

"She's… she's tough. Amazing. Unbelievably strong. Accomplished. She can do what nobody else can. So young and already an N7. Do you know how tough that program is? The competition is fierce! And she's the first human Spectre. She's just amazing."

Joker looked down at his hands for a while, thinking. He wouldn't have described Shepard in those words. Were someone to ask him, he'd say: she's wickedly funny, plays without rules, she's brutal, a liar and cheater when the situation calls for it, but she never loses her integrity, she is hot, dangerous like a Thresher Maw, hardly a lady in a common sense of human conventions, she has a nuclear voice when she's really pissed, and she rolls over people like a bulldozer, and yet in private she's cute, full of smiles, and fair, always fair.

It felt like he and Kaidan were seeing a different person when they looked at the same Shepard. He was sure that she showed them different sides of her, and that Wrex in the cargo bay looked at a different side of her altogether. And that was another reason why Kaidan was not his friend here. Joker liked his Shepard, and not so much the Kaidan version of her.

* * *

"If I'm trying to take down a suspect, it shouldn't matter how I do it, as long as I do it," Garrus was telling Jo down in the cargo bay. "But C-Sec wants it to be done their way, protocol and procedure. That's why I left."

"Yeah, Garrus, except it does matter," she said and earned a new turian facial expression from Garrus that she didn't know. "Sure, I play fast and lose with rules myself, but there is a fine line between bending the rules and becoming worse than the suspects you're trying to apprehend."

"And how can you tell where that line is?"

"Me, personally, I look at the damage. Sometimes you might cause more pain than the guy you're catching. Plus, I always ask myself if I can live for the rest of my life with the kind of damage I'm causing. That answer always depends on the person you are, on how far you can allow yourself to step to the dark side."

"I don't know. I just wanted to get away from all the red tape and try to do things my way. That's why I joined you. Maybe learn how things are done outside C-Sec."

"You're a deeply and thoroughly good person, Garrus, I feel it in my guts. I want you here because you know what the right thing to do is, and that is what truly matters. Now you have the freedom you crave so much, but with freedom come big decisions."

"Morality is a bitch, you mean?"

"Yes. Just because we can break the rules doesn't mean we should. Rules are mostly there to protect us, not the criminals. You'll get that fine feeling one day that works for you. It'll tell you how much rule breaking is okay. And in times when all shades of grey blend together, it's good to have a friend who can put you straight again."

There was a pause, in which he thought about what she was implying to him.

"Shepard, that is a lot of trust you put in a washout from C-Sec you met only a few months ago. I'm flattered, of course, but why me? You have enough of your own people around."

"You _are_ my people. You and I, Garrus, there is no bullshit between us. I know what you're about. And I trust you."

"Thank you, Shepard," he sounded touched.

"Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Teach me turian facial expressions."

"Huh?"

"Well," Jo shrugged. "Asari – their faces look a lot like humans and we have no problem reading them. Salarians, even krogans – it's not easy, but it works. But with turians we're completely out of our element. You have different body parts on your heads than us, we have no experience with your expressions."

"Then do me a favour back. Explain to me some of those weird human idioms you use so much."

"Like?"

"Feeling in your guts?"

"Okay," Jo nodded, settling more comfortably on the crate. "We humans have five senses, but we often experience a feeling that we can't explain because we have no organ for it. Our intuition. That experience is often combined with a little twitch in our solar plexus, right here. It's a bundle of nerves," she pointed at the spot in question. "I know, it sounds like we do have an organ for it, but it's not that simple. Many humans don't believe in intuition at all, many don't know how to distinguish this feeling from others, many don't trust it. But generally, this little twitch in our bellies is known as the "gut feeling", which indicates some kind of message our intuition is trying to give us. It is human belief that the intuition is never wrong, even if the cold reason sometimes is. That's why we often tell each other to go with our gut, or go with our intuition. Personally, I listen to my gut, and you being on my team just feels right."

"I understand," Garrus's mandibles rose a little bit, as he acknowledged what exactly she wanted from him, as she gave him an explanation. He pointed at his face: "This is a smile, by the way."

Life was good. Jo caught herself smiling more in the last few weeks than in the twenty years before that. She moved around the ship with a light heart now. Ash was easing up on the aliens, Tali and the engineers were an inseparable team now, Liara was eager to share but slightly awkward in her childish ways and her crush on Jo. Most importantly the feelings Jo had for Garrus and Wrex weren't scaring her anymore. They weren't messing up her focus in battle either but rather helping her. They were all a great team, intensified by their different personalities and talents, cemented by deep affection they all had for each other. After a while of cutting through his defences Wrex turned out to be really nice to talk to. He often spoke about krogan history, about the genophage, about his home planet that lay in ruins ever since the krogans almost wiped each other out. He told her about the krogan society that didn't tolerate weaklings but was slowly dying, their spirit decaying faster than their bodies. He told her of the old days, of the former glory of his people, and how disappointed he was with what was becoming of them now. He asked her how humans managed not to wipe each other out before they even joined the galactic community and Jo told him about some defining moments in human history, like the invention of the A-bomb, that could have caused the same destruction, or worse. He wanted to know how humans stopped the rolling stone and Jo admitted she couldn't pinpoint any more specific reason other than not all humans being violent and blood-thirsty. She told him then that perhaps the entire human home planet owed its existence several times over to some man, just one man, who did NOT push the button. There were people in human history, rare and far between, who believed in a better way and refrained from action. Maybe the absence of violence was what created the needed vacuum for peace and growth to appear. Wrex said nothing then and Jo wondered what kind of thoughts were circling in his head ever since.

With still a day to Noveria there was little else to do but talk. After her conversation with Garrus Jo went to see Alenko. She still wondered if that feeling of speeding heartbeat would return in his presence. It was not his fault that it didn't. He was nice enough. He looked at her like she was his guiding star on a stormy horizon. Sometimes even like she was a gentle flower in need of a shield from the stormy weather. Jo didn't know what to do with that, she couldn't see herself as the gentle flower he saw in her, no matter how much she tried. She couldn't help but notice that she wanted something from him he wasn't giving her. Couldn't. His awe written all over his face, his sad eyes filled with longing, he still wasn't what she needed. It was frustrating.

That frustration was slowly getting to her. She was pure iron from shell to the core, carrying the weight of the ship, crew and the mission on her shoulders and she didn't mind that, she was good at it. But right now she felt like she needed to do something for herself. Go somewhere, talk to someone…

She left Alenko and started walking. Kept walking and walking, until she sat down in a chair.

"Hey, Commander," Joker said, and she turned around. She was in the cockpit, sitting in the co-pilot's chair, without remembering how she got here.

"Hey, Joker," she leaned back and pulled her knees up to her chest. He looked surprised. She'd never been so informal.

"Something you need?" he said, a little confused.

"Hm. No, just clearing my mind."

"I heard Liara was hitting on you again? Explaining to you how not all asari are strippers? I bet she'd already counted exactly how many years she'll get with you if you live all of the average human 150 years."

"Yes, she was kind of eager to study me in great detail."

"Of course she was. She's your number one fan, you know, after Alenko."

"Yeah, I know, but that ain't never gonna happen."

"Why not? You're not into some blue?"

"I prefer only one pair of boobs in bed. My own."

Joker chuckled a little, then coughed:

"No, really, Commander, was there something you needed? Got orders for me?"

"No, just relaxing. But I could leave if you want to be alone. You can tell me the truth, it's not going to affect our professional relationship."

He paused for a moment and gave her an attentive look.

"You're here to relax? Around me?"

"Yes."

"Hm."

"Why so surprised?"

"There aren't many people who would describe my company as relaxing. Annoying, charming, funny, sure, but not relaxing."

"That's what I find so relaxing."

* * *

Shepard had been checking up on him after every mission, like with everyone else. But seeing her curled up in a co-pilot's chair right now was like seeing her in private moments: something no one was supposed to see. Out there she was larger than life, but in here she was just a girl. He had never seen her quite so naked with anyone else before, even though she was dressed just fine. It was her soul that was naked, he realised.

Suddenly he didn't know what to do. Short banters now and then – he could handle. Conversation? Not so much. Would she find him boring, if she stayed longer?

Unfortunately, or maybe right on time, the console demanded his attention. He busied himself with calibrations for the relay jump, opened the intercom to give the crew the countdown, and flourished the approach vector maybe just a little to impress Shepard. It was about twenty minutes later that he was free to notice her presence again, and she hadn't moved in all that time. She was watching him with a little smile.

"What?" he asked.

"You really love what you're doing, I can tell."

"D'uh, I wouldn't be the best pilot in the Alliance if I didn't."

"Self-proclaimed," she grinned, and he put his hand on his chest:

"Ouch, Commander, that hurts me!"

"I still wouldn't want anyone else in that seat but you."

He could deny it as much as he wanted, but his ears burned hot at her words. He thought about telling her a joke, or something, to entertain her, but a quick look in her direction told him on some level that she wasn't here for entertainment. Perhaps this was a chance like no other to make this situation different.

"So, Commander," he asked trying to sound nonchalantly. "What's on your mind that you need to clear it so much?"

"My whole life has changed," she said without a moment's pause. "I'm not who I used to be, not who I taught myself to be."

"Who was that? And how did you change?" He asked. This was like sticking your arm into a Thresher Maw's throat: no sane person would dare to ask Commander Shepard such questions and dare hope to survive. And yet…

"I took the military path because it accommodated my violent streak. I became N7 to get to the top of this pyramid, to be in the loop, to know those things that are always on the need-to-know basis. And with becoming a Spectre I'm now exactly where I wanted to be. I have no other career related ambitions. So suddenly my mind is turning to other things, confusing things."

…and yet here she was, letting him poke her deep, opening up to him. It was dizzying.

"Like?"

"Like the Alliance. It's so limited in its hostile view of the world sometimes. I don't know if I can ever go back to the brass, follow orders and shoot at those "nasty bug-eyed aliens" we were taught to hate at the boot camp. It's just so stupid! The best warriors I ever fought with side by side are aliens. More honourable than some of my Alliance superiors. I don't know if I even want to be in the military anymore. I'm learning more and more about other species every day and it often makes me ask myself what it means to be human. Frankly, I had no alternative when I joined the Alliance, but now… I've seen so much since then."

"It messes with your head," he said. The fact that his CO, the famous Commander Shepard was sitting here, opening her soul to him of all people, was messing with his own head more than she'd ever know.

"More than you know," she sighed.

Joker's head was spinning and his guts turned into knots. This was not happening. Did she trust other people on the ship just as much? No. He was the guy with the security camera access and he knew about all the conversations on the ship, especially hers. But… He almost jumped, when he remembered that he didn't really have to hack anything to listen in on her conversations. She left her earpiece on most of the time, knowing perfectly well that he was listening.

She really did trust him this much. Why? He had half a heart to ask her about it, but decided against it. She wanted peace of mind, not more questions.

The jump took them to another system and as he put the ship into FTL to reach their next destination, Shepard leaned forwards to look out of the window.

"Whoah," she gasped, and he followed her glance, prepared to see a battle-ready geth armada. There was nothing out there.

"What?"

"I think that's a blue nebula," she said, pointing at their left. "Can't see it clearly through the energy flashes but I think it's truly blue."

Joker's heart skipped a beat. The look on her face was so innocent, so young, so pure, like she was a girl and some boy gave her flowers. His hands hit the console before he knew what he was doing. He dropped the FTL speed and steered the ship to a full stop in the best position to observe the space beauty.

"Blue. Pure blue," she gasped and leaned over for a better look, grabbing his arm for support. "I've never seen such a pure blue one! Isn't it beautiful?"

If you're looking at it, it'll be beautiful to me, he thought, looking at her amazed face. She seemed to get sucked in deeper and deeper into the endless void of blue out there and Joker knew: for that kind of expression on her face he would do anything.

"Joker, what's going on?" Pressly asked from behind them. "Why did you stop the ship?"

"Because Commander Shepard needs her postcard moment."

"Do you know how much fuel you burned on full stop and how much more you're going to burn to get back to FTL?"

"I'm the pilot, Pressly, I actually know. It's no biggie, we can manage."

Pressly looked at Shepard for confirmation and left them displeased, but she said blissfully:

"Thank you, Joker."

"You like blue nebulas?"

"I love all nebulas. They're breathtaking. I've seen a few orange ones, with a little of red or purple mixed in, but never a blue one, never so pure."

"Think I'm in a lot of trouble with Pressly now?"

"Yes, I think you are," she chuckled.

"Good," he stretched his fingers, ready to get the ship flying again. "Nebulas make your day, annoying my XO makes my day."

"Hey," she reached out and brushed his shoulder. "You're not in any trouble with me."

She got up and stretched herself, while he got busy with the controls.

"Thanks for the company, Joker. I really appreciate it. I feel much better now."

"Any time," he said. She turned with a sly eye:

"I may just hold you to that."

* * *

Jo felt Joker's hot glance on her as she walked through the CIC. There was a man who looked at her like she was a dish of ice cream and he was the spoon. Well, that was definitely something to think about.


	5. Mistakes

Noveria started out like any other routine mission. Jo said to the officer at the docks that she would gladly relinquish one bullet, but not her weapons. The confrontation ended before it really began. Jo was a little sorry about that. Despite some quality time in the cockpit with Joker she was feeling more and more frustration and tension building up in her and she couldn't find any obvious cause for it. Life was good, so what was frustrating her? So, the best way of working out tension was Ash's way. Kill some bad guys. Thankfully, there were some of those raiding Lorik Qui'in's office and they got to pay for Jo's darkening mood. Still, she met another person she took note of: Gianna Parasini. Jo loved a woman who could wear colour. That dress… It looked almost toxic, but it made the woman a real vision.

Then everything went to hell. She agreed to Garrus' suggestion to take Liara with her in case they would run into Benezia, but she had to compensate power in her team, since Liara really couldn't hold a punch. Wrex would have to do a double duty, and between the two of them they also had enough biotics to shift a mountain. Those biotics made the battle extra hard for Jo, however. She wasn't used to all the flashing around her, blue energy, people being jerked up and flying away. She needed to concentrate extra hard and was a bundle of tensed nerves when they finally repaired the train station, killed the rachni drones and found some crazed people locked inside. When those tried to kill her on Benezia's orders, Jo truly went berserk. She ripped someone's trachea out that day, and deliberately shot off someone's ears before putting him out of his misery. Eventually they found Benezia, and she said to them:

"Have you ever faced an asari commando before? Few humans have."

That finally blew the last lid on her patience. She demolished those famous commandos in record time in her favourite way, with incendiary rounds, and she couldn't care less about Liara's feelings when she emptied her pistol magazine into the matriarch. That done, she was finally ready to hear Benezia's last words about Saren's power to influence people. It was over soon and they were left with a huge problem in the room. An elephant-sized problem, really. Jo leaned against the tank glass to have a better look at the being inside, when one of the dying commandos suddenly got up and walked to the tank, speaking for the rachni queen. She spoke of the colourless musics of these low spaces. About singing for those left behind. She spoke of the new children, taken away from her by the scientists before they were taught to sing, now lost to silence. She asked Jo to kill them, poor fearful creatures, suffering without connection to the song of the rachni, with no songs of their own. Finally…

"We stand before you. What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to fade away once more?"

Wrex stepped in, agitated:

"There are acid tanks above it. Set them off! Millions of my ancestors died to put these things down. Don't let them come back!"

Liara spoke out for a peaceful solution, but Jo only had ears for the rachni voice. She asked her questions and felt something inside her sing just as well at the answers.

"We only heard discordance, songs the colour of oily shadows. A tone from space hushed one voice after another. It forced the singers to resonate with its own sour yellow note. Then we awoke at this place, the last echo of those who came out from the singing planet. The sky is silent."

Jo turned to her team. Wrex was shaking his head, Liara was too dazed to think straight. But Jo didn't need their approval. She knew what she had to do, what she would always do in this position, the only right thing. It was easy.

"I'll let you go," she said to the queen. Wrex grunted:

"You'll regret it, Shepard, mark my words!"

She turned to him and gave him a smile full of serenity she suddenly felt.

"Remember, Wrex, somewhere, some time, one person refusing to do violence. An act of mercy, love and respect."

"For that thing?"

"Yes, for all things."

"You will do that?" The queen sounded hopeful. "You will give us a chance to compose anew? We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children."

"Great," Wrex was unconvinced. "Bugs are writing songs about you. Don't do it, Shepard."

"But Wrex, there is nothing else I could possibly do here," she said, setting the rachni queen free.

The decision caused controversy, it sent ripples through the team, and most importantly it caused a rift between her and Wrex. The Council almost bit her head off for it, but Jo couldn't care less about that. She was not committing genocide and she told them that.

She went on one of her usual rounds to talk to everyone. Generally, people were asking her if she was sure about the decision, and she told them yes. Wrex was not easy to talk to that night. He was angry with her, but at least he didn't send her away when she approached him.

"How could you do it, Shepard? So many of my people died fighting those things, and now you released them once again?"

"How could turians have released genophage upon your people, Wrex? Wasn't that cruel? Heartless?"

"It's not the same!"

"It's exactly the same."

"They're dangerous!"

"Said the biggest, nastiest, angriest, most battle-scarred krogan battlemaster in the galaxy."

He exhaled.

"I see your point."

"Look, Wrex. You of all people know that there has been enough damage done. Enough violence. She means us no harm. All she wants is harmony."

"You don't know that."

"I know it in my heart. I also know in my heart that you are a great man, that you truly care about your people, that your soul bleeds for their fate, that given the choice, you'd do the right thing. I have faith in you. I also have faith in her. Trust me, I killed enough of those I don't have faith in. Like the thousand of her drones down there."

He deflated even more and lowered his head.

"You're right. I'm sorry. It's just…

"No, don't apologize to me. I know you. I love you for it." She gently leaned her forehead against his and softly growled deep in her throat. It was a transcendent moment, just like what she'd wanted to do on the first day she met him. Back then she'd been afraid the gesture might be misunderstood. Right now she didn't care and Wrex didn't, either. He put his huge hands on her shoulders and returned the soft growl. She didn't know if in krogan culture this was a mating ritual or something else, but it felt like bonding with a soul brother. She spoke his language subconsciously and on the deepest, most animalistic level Wrex spoke to that wild, untameable part of her that always fed her battle fury but remained contained by her conscious mind. Wrex made her feel free and wild, he made her want to touch him to get to know him, and sure, there was some deep attraction between them. For the first time in her life Jo let go of control. She let that animal in her be as it wanted to be. There was no need to label feelings. No need to think about something. No need to sort, line up and contain. None of that. She simply let herself feel. And it felt good. It felt right.

She couldn't care less about their spectators, even though the scene sure caused all the people in the cargo bay to stare. Ash was especially torn between disgust and understanding.

* * *

After Noveria Shepard once again came to sit next to him for no apparent reason. Without preamble she flopped down into the co-pilot's chair, curled up and turned to her side to look at him. Joker hid a smile.

"Need some peace of mind, Commander?" he asked, plotting course to the relay.

"No, not really."

"Guess no matter what you did with the rachni queen, the Council wouldn't be happy."

"Guess so."

"And how do you feel about it? Aren't you afraid we'll regret it?"

"No," she said with a confident satisfaction in her voice. He realised she wasn't confused this time, she was happy and wanted to share her buzz.

"Oh?" he poked her.

"I've never made a decision in my life that felt so right."

"Man, I'm glad you feel that way, 'cause she sure looked nasty and angry."

"Trust me, to her eyes, you look even nastier than the nastiest of her drones."

"Not true. I'm handsome and charming, even the rachni queen would see that."

"Again, self-proclaimed."

"Aw, Commander, you really hurt my feelings!"

They were both grinning like mad by then.

"If you say something nice about other people, I'm sure other people will find something nice to say about you, Joker," Shepard said.

"Do you have something in mind like: Ash has a nice ass?"

"Aw, now that hurts _my_ feelings!" She swatted at him with a little pout and he leaned away to evade her hand, laughing.

"Don't worry, Commander," he said, correcting the hat on his head. "You win that contest hands down." For a moment there he wondered if he went a little too far. He was commenting on his CO's ass, after all. But Shepard was not that kind of CO, and not that kind of woman.

"I know," she said with a satisfied shuffle in her chair. "Ash is nice, but I'm the killer. Anyone who disagrees is either blind, stupid or has a death wish."

"We are still talking about your ass, right?"

"Yes, Joker, we are," she gave him a killer smile.

This had nothing to do with any kind of professional relationship anymore, and they both knew it. She was too easy to be around and have fun with to be like other COs, and she got him completely. She was not like other women, either. This friendship developing between them, this easy banter was worth every trouble he could get in for it. He wouldn't trade it for anything.

* * *

Jo left the cockpit in high spirits and with a wide grin on her face. Her heart even skipped a beat when she replayed bits of that conversation. The last stop on her journey that night was Alenko. He basically jumped down her throat. First he told her she should have left the decision about the rachni to the Council. Then he carried on in tones she really didn't get:

"We've played it pretty close to the book so far, but we're a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying: try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do and I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."

Huh?

"I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard."

I think you just did, she frowned to herself.

"It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"I really and honestly don't. What the hell are you talking about?" she asked him forcefully. Whatever flirtation had been there before, it was gone now. He once again poured his heart out to her about his oh so difficult childhood at BAaT, about some turian instructor who bullied him. Jo couldn't hear those stories anymore. She'd had enough of those tearful recollections of his oh so miserable past. Irritation in her grew stronger and stronger, and when he said: "You either came out a superman or a wreck-" she knew exactly which one he was.

"So why are you telling me all this?" she mocked him in a not so friendly way. "Is there something I can do to help you get over it?"

He didn't get her mockery. The most annoying part was that he took everything she said so damn seriously.

"I'm thirty two, Shepard, you don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself. You also learn that if someone's special to you, you help them. Try to keep them from making mistakes."

Oh, she knew exactly that his key word was 'special', but she heard another word loud and clear.

"Mistakes?"

He was so caught up in his own speech, which he doubtlessly spent all day preparing, calculating her response, that he was thrown off when she didn't respond the way he'd expected. He blinked at her suddenly cold Commander face.

"You want to point out some mistake I've made? You want everything to be by the book? Do you know what the Council said about me releasing the rachni queen? They said that I shouldn't have done it, because she was too dangerous. Had we asked for their advice, they would have told me to commit genocide. I will not stand for that, Alenko. People write the rule books, not the God Almighty. They're our way to deal with the unknown. If you want some particularly interesting books to read, find yourself a medieval book called Malleus Maleficarum, which tells you all the ways to recognise a witch and all the rules about how to deal with her. Did you also know that at some point it was against the law and punishable by death or imprisonment to be homosexual? What I'm saying is that going by the book and through all the official channels doesn't always bring the right decision. And in any case, this is my ship, I'm the Captain, and this is not a democracy. You are not here to protect me from making mistakes. You're here to do your job."

He was pale by the end of the speech and snapped to attention, when she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!" he saluted.

"At ease, soldier," she threw at him, leaving. He managed to kill all her buzz, even the good mood she had after talking to Joker. There was a pattern hidden here somewhere and she was just too stupid to see it right now.

There was something about the rachni queen that fascinated her, though. She spent some time before sleep listening to the audio log of the mission. The beautiful words about a singing planet, an eerie warning about a sour yellow note from the sky…

Damnit, she needed to clear her head. She needed to get away from all these people, all the expectations for a few hours. She needed to calm down, sort out her thoughts, ease the irritation, the dull sense of danger that settled upon her after meeting the rachni. She needed some quality time on shore leave.

Ask and thou shall be given. When she opened her computer in the morning there was an invitation to a training facility called Pinnacle Station. That was where she ordered Joker to fly them. Jo was so tense after all the conversations that she was really looking forward to doing something different. A day for herself was what she needed more than her next meal. A day away from her crew. Maybe some new face? Maybe a bar fight that wouldn't decide the fate of a colony but be just that – a bar fight? She couldn't stand looking at Alenko's suffering face every time she walked past him. She couldn't stand Liara's worshiping eyes. She felt suffocated by those two and it was unfair to be taking her frustration out on the others. Tali, Wrex and Garrus already suffered her wrath during sparring, and they truly had nothing to do with her frustration. Jo felt like Kaidan and Liara were both staking a claim to her, like they had the right to bind her to them with their demands and silly infatuation. She told Liara that she was not interested, but the girl heard only what she wanted to hear, and Kaidan was not any better. Even after she told him to can it the other day, he took it as their first lovers' quarrel and probably expected her to apologise.

She was not their woman. They had no claim to her, and she could do whatever she knew was right. She could be as cruel and violent as she needed to be without having to answer to some underling for her actions, she could be as generous and forgiving as she wanted, without having to justify herself to the Council. She was not in love with either Liara or Kaidan and she owed them nothing. In fact, she could fuck whomever she wanted. It was even long overdue. Her last one-night-stand was over eight months ago, before she was assigned to the Normandy. She needed to feel in control again: control of herself and the man she would allow to touch her. There was power in never seeing the guy again.


	6. Gems and Pebbles

**A/N: I know this isn't canon, but then Joker as a LI isn't canon, either. To me it makes perfect sense, because this man reminds her of someone very much, and that gets her hot and bothered. So, thank you all for reading and please tell me what you think about this turn of events! **

* * *

When Jo met Admiral Ahern, she instantly liked his snarkiness and his underhand compliments. Five hours later she was partially deaf, her palms were burned, and she was on an adrenaline high unlike anything she'd had in many months. She'd just survived the Admiral's personal simulation with no safety. She was in dire need of riding out that wave and she knew exactly what she wanted. Whom she wanted, rather. This had nothing to do with love or feelings. This was pure need and Jo had no intentions of restricting it.

It wasn't easy to impress the Admiral, but that mission earned her a smile even from him.

„Call me Ahern, you've earned that, too," he said with a grin. Jo's lips curved into a cheeky lopsided smile:

"Thank you, Ahern. Say, are you at all free this afternoon?"

"Why?"

"Well, just the other day I blasted a major Prothean ruin sky-high. I'd like to celebrate that over a drink with a fascinating man. My treat."

Ahern paused for half a second, which made Jo smile even wider. He was a hard man to surprise for longer than that.

"I'm not sure it's appropriate, Shepard," he said, but there was no iron in his tone.

"For you – Johanna," she said lower and quieter, leaning a little closer to him. She made sure her earpiece was turned off that day. "Would you really say no to a beautiful young woman who just set a new record on every single scenario you had to offer, most of them on the first try?"

"You show some promise, Shepard, but it's still hardly appropriate."

"I strongly disagree," she caught his eyes with the intensity of the desire he was waking in her. "Let's discuss this in detail over a drink."

"Girl, you offer an old man a drink, yet you sound like you're offering something else."

"I am," she leaned even closer. "So how about it? Can you resist a cute blond batting her lashes at you?"

"I would have succumbed easier if I hadn't seen you destroy my battle simulator," he shifted from one foot to another, and then waved a hand: "Well, what the hell, why not. It's not like I see many humans on this station. And females to the bargain."

"Wonderful," Jo beamed. "How about after your shift is over, at the cafeteria?"

"It's a date."

If her crew could see her just then, they would have wondered what was happening with her. They didn't know how tensed, raw and frustrated she felt when she arrived at this station, they had never seen her grab a male and drag him off before. They didn't know her that well just yet. They knew her as a professional, tough, intense Commander, but they had no idea how barbaric her ways could really be. Basically, she just hit a man over his head and dragged him off to her den to have her way with him, only to discard his bones later. And right now she truly didn't think she had to justify herself to anyone. The old man with his half-praise and poisonous sarcasm really rubbed something in her that wanted sex. Kaidan's deep and sad eyes were sure a marvel, but right now she wanted something different. A man who would scratch her nerves and rub her against the fur, not a tragic hero.

By the time when Ahern was off duty, she was sipping a deep green drink at the local cafeteria. He approached her and sat down where another drink was waiting for him.

"You ordered for me?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I asked the bartender what you usually drink," she said. He pulled his blue drink to himself and relaxed in the seat.

"So what's your opinion on our training station?"

"It's an oversized and frankly overpriced gaming arcade for chuckleheads like Vidinos. You can't train real soldiers here," she said. He raised an eyebrow:

"Oh, really?"

She explained to him in detail how a re-playable simulation was like learning a dance with specific steps but couldn't train a soldier to truly use the environment. His own mission re-enactment was different, hence probably the only educating mission on this whole station.

"I see you've seen some real action, too, Shepard. Of course I know you're right. For soldiers like you and me the usual simulations are just a game. But for most of the chuckleheads that come here even those aren't simple enough."

"Well, let's rest in the security of knowing that they won't survive their first real battle," she grinned. "And please, call me Johanna."

"Right, Johanna. What are we celebrating here anyway?"

"Oh yes, the destruction of one of the major Prothean ruins. The Council was at my throat for that one, but I can tell you for sure: Prothean or not, the whole construction collapsed like any other stone building you've ever seen."

"Did it, now?"

"Oh, yeah. In fact, it collapsed so hard that it woke a volcano. Lava, ashes, you name it. My pilot demanded a gold medal for pulling my ass out of there."

"You gave him one?"

"I'll consider that after he saves my life a couple more times," she said.

"You are a hard woman to please, I see?"

"What he did wasn't beyond his abilities. I'm very pleased with him, as a matter of fact, and he knows that."

He measured her for a while as they both drank and finally asked:

"So. Why did you insist on inviting me here, Johanna?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask your own opinion on your training facility."

"You said it yourself, it's nowhere near real action. But I'm trying to teach these turians how to think outside the box, even if it's harder than teaching a krogan to look pretty."

"I don't know if it's a turian thing. My turian and my krogan are both skilled enough to have my back in every battle."

"So you've found two gems in a shipload of pebbles. Good for you."

"People keep telling me I have an eye for talent."

"Well, well, aren't you a bucketful of cheerfulness," he chuckled. "You always so happy?"

"Hell no," Jo shook her head. "I'm just in a total buzz after winning your mission. Don't you feel like that sometimes? Total adrenalin rush? Thrill of victory?"

"Shepard, you really shouldn't be looking at me like that. I could lose my post over this."

"Why?"

"Fraternising with a junior officer? Are you crazy?"

"If a Lieutenant Commander isn't good enough for you, then how about fraternising with the first human Spectre who just broke every record on this station, including a no-safety suicide mission, and is a gorgeous, tough blond who wants you enough to jump your bones right on this table?"

He gulped.

"Don't tease an old scarred man like that."

"Scarred?" Jo leaned closer across the table. "Show me yours and I'll show you mine."

He watched her for another long while, and she knew he only needed a little push.

"Or are you afraid of what your yahoos will think?" she teased, gesturing at the recruits around them in the cafeteria.

That got him right where she needed him. On his back on top of his own bed in the private apartments two storeys above the training level. She climbed on top of him and began undoing his uniform.

He ran his hands over her hips:

"I am an old man, Johanna," he whispered hoarsely.

"I hope so," she said.

"You do?"

"You promised me scars. I want to see a history of a warrior."

"I got scars, yes, but that's not what I meant."

"Admiral, lean back and enjoy. Inspiring you is my job."

"Why the sudden 'Admiral'?"

"It suits you far better. It's what I feel," she rubbed her crotch against him. "It's exactly what I need. Not the soulful and sad black eyes."

"Oh, so there's someone you have your eyes set on?" he chuckled.

"Not exactly. He has miles to go before he becomes a man that I need."

"Someone from your crew?"

"Yeah, my lieutenant. Why are we talking about him when I'm burning alive to feel you inside me?"

"Because we're still half-dressed."

Jo got up from the bed to take off the remainder of her clothes. Oh, she needed this. So much.

Afterwards they lay naked and sweaty side by side and all they could hear was each other's heavy, but calming breath.

"Feeling better?" he asked eventually.

"Tons," she sighed dreamily and turned to her side to face him. "Already feeling bitter regret?"

"Well, Johanna, let's put it this way," he looked down at her. "You are a very, very beautiful woman."

"I'm glad you like what you see." She traced one particularly long scar on his chest with her finger. "So, which ones are left from that suicide mission I just went through?"

"This one," he pointed at another scar on his neck. "Doctors said it was a miracle I didn't lose my vocal cords there."

"Tell me more."

For a while he indulged her with stories of different missions, but eventually asked:

"Tell me about your scars."

Johanna sat up and showed him a long, ripped, even though barely visible scar from her armpit down to her right breast:

"A merc almost gutted me when I was a kid in a gang back on Earth, before I joined the military. And this one," she pointed at a big bullet scar above her hip. "A fellow soldier got me good when the thresher maw was chewing on him on Akuze."

"You've got burns on your hands," Ahern said.

"Oh, that's from the total overheat during your mission. I'm actually still quite deaf from the roaring guns."

"You're not bad at roaring yourself," he grinned.

"Thank you," she grinned right back.

She asked to use his bathroom and he gave her direction and watched her wander off as naked as she was. When she came back, still showing no discomfort at being unclothed, and joined him back on the bed, Ahern tugged her now cool body towards himself:

"Do you have to leave?"

"Eventually."

"When is that?"

"Tomorrow morning. I am, after all, on a mission."

"Far be it from me to hold you up from your mission, but you don't have to go right now, do you?"

"No, not at all. The world won't end if I spend a night at my pleasure."

"Then stay."

Jo rolled off the bed and reached for her jacket. In a top front pocket she found her turned off communicator and pressed a button.

"Pressly?" she spoke into the earpiece. "Please, give everyone a night off. I don't know, go get some drinks at the cafeteria here or pick some fights – I don't care. I'll be spending the night on the station." She listened to her XO's affirmation. "Let everyone have some fun, I don't care about their condition tomorrow. Just make sure the Normandy is still in one piece when we fly. Right. Have a good night."

"You have a curious way of speaking to your people, Johanna."

"I do?"

"Yes, like you're having a conversation instead of giving orders."

"That's because it's my XO and I am having a conversation with him. He is twice my age and has seen more than I can imagine. I will not insult him by diminishing his intelligence. But when it's serious, you bet I'm giving orders, even to him."

"So you're never rude?"

"I'm never rude to my crew and people I like. Are you?"

"All the time, honey."

"I noticed!" she chuckled, lying back at his side. "I like that."

"My rudeness?"

"That and your sense of humour."

"Do you do this often?"

"What?"

"Jump your superior's bones?"

"You're not my direct superior, Ahern. And no, a real man is hard to find."

"What about that lieutenant of yours?"

"Sad and soulful black eyes?" she chuckled. "He's the kind of a man who would rather die unhappy than break a rule. I don't see him being what I need anytime soon."

"His loss."

"Yep, that's what I was thinking."

"Did you tell him what it is you need?"

"What am I supposed to say? Stop whining and get dirty with me? Regularly?"

"If that's what you want."

"I do want him to stop crying me a river every time his past comes up. So he is a biotic and was at the brain camp? My life isn't picnic either, but hey, here I am, and there he is. Anyway, why are we talking about him again?"

"You're starting to grow on me, like athlete's foot. Maybe I want to know where your heart goes, when you're not taking care of your needs."

"This guy makes me feel like his mother. I don't think it's a good starting point for any real feelings."

"So he doesn't stand a chance?"

"I like men with attitude. The more the better. He says he likes adventurous women, but he'll need to step up a lot to attract me."

"Are there no men with attitude on your ship?"

"Well, there is my pilot. He's got attitude enough for both of us."

"Then why not pursue him? Apart from the regs, that is."

"I think he Commander-zoned me from the start."

"That must happen a lot to you."

"That didn't stop you, Admiral."

"I'm not out to win your heart, pretty thing. I'm just along for the ride, enjoying the view."

"I noticed," she grinned, running her fingers over her breast, which he duly followed with his eyes.

"Johanna, Johanna, twice in a night is a heroic deed that belongs to my past by now."

"I have magic fingers," her grin was devilish. "And if that doesn't help, I've got some magic lips and one hell of a tongue."

"I don't know how you did it," Ahern spoke through his panting when they collapsed on the bed after another round. "I didn't know I had it in me."

"Yes, I showed you what one woman can do. Now it's time to show the whole world," she laughed.

"I hope for the sake of the world that you don't have the same in mind for it as you had for me. The world might not survive it."

"Oh, yeah, and I'm good with my sniper rifle, too!"

They both rolled in the sheets, laughing. After a while, however, she became serious, even a little sad again.

"Now what?" the Admiral asked, surprised by her silence.

"I just wondered when the last time was that I had fun. Not drinking myself blind with the guys kind of fun, and not beating the crap out of some merc with my bare fists kind of fun. Just laughing about nonsense, like now."

"So when was it?"

"Before I became a Spectre. Long before I was even assigned to Normandy. And now I know the reason why."

"You're going to share no matter if I want to hear it or not, right?"

"Because of the sad black eyes. Seriously, I felt some attraction from the moment I saw him, and he felt it, too, so he dragged me down with his misery. He's always so serious, dutiful, I'm afraid to even smile around him."

"Uhuh."

"Me saying this out loud means I'm over it. Soulful eyes or not, he's no good for me, because I don't only want to win my mission. I want to have fun."

"Good for you, smartass." He smacked her on her naked butt.

"Admiral, I'm really glad I dragged you out to have that drink tonight. I really appreciate your willingness to put up with me."

"You made it worth my while. Barely, but still."

In the morning Jo threw the shirt Ahern had torn off her into the garbage bin, while he was watching her from the bed. She had nothing left to wear under the jacket, and she left it half-unzipped. It had been a while since she showed any skin, she decided and went down to the cafeteria to have some breakfast.

The cafeteria looked a little… rearranged. Most of the bottles behind the bar were missing, almost all chairs were also gone, as well as a big chunk from one of the tables. The bartender, a different one than last night, was cleaning something that looked suspiciously like turian blood off the floor.

"Commander," she heard Alenko's voice and raised her head. He and Garrus approached her table and fell in next to it.

"Good morning," she said, taking a bite from her pie. "What happened in here?"

"There was a little… misunderstanding last night," Kaidan said.

"Garrus, I'd like to hear your version."

"Pressly told us last night that you gave everyone shore leave, so we all came here for some drinks. It didn't take much for Wrex to get it on with one of the trainees here about who is better with a shotgun. When the bartender threatened to throw everyone out if we started shooting, Wrex used his fists. Ashley helped. Then the rest of us also helped."

"Whose blood is that?" she pointed at the floor.

"Some idiot who said you cheated to beat his record in the simulator."

"Vidinos?"

"Yes."

"Is he dead?"

"No, just probably wishes he was."

"And who got him? Don't tell me it was all Joker."

"Actually, I vaguely remember me and Adams holding him while Wrex worked some of that krogan magic on him."

Jo smiled and nodded with approval, getting another bite of her pie.

"I see I've missed a lot," Ahern said, approaching them all and taking a good look at the cafeteria. "What are you laughing about, Shepard?"

"Just about my guys showing your guys what a real fight is like," she chuckled even harder, unable to stop looking at the blood on the floor. Ahern turned to Garrus and Kaidan, sized them up:

"You did this?" he asked, but paused. "Wait. Sad and soulful black eyes?" he asked, pointing at Kaidan's chest.

"Excuse me, Admiral?" Kaidan froze.

"Admiral, please meet Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko," Jo introduced.

"Commander?" Kaidan's face was an icy mask. "What's going on?"

"Lieutenant, return to your post," she said firmly and watched Kaidan turn on his heel and leave. "And this, Admiral, is Garrus Vakarian, the jewel in a shipload of pebbles. Garrus, please meet Admiral Ahern. I don't think you've had the pleasure yet."

"Your Commander thinks you're something special, turian," Ahern shook Garrus' hand and they both joined Jo at the table.

"Yes, we were talking last night about this training facility," Jo explained to Garrus. "Admiral says that the turians here have some difficulty thinking outside the box, and I told him that real soldiers can't be trained in a simulator. I said that you and Wrex are the two men whom I trust with my life in battle, and the Admiral congratulated me on finding two jewels among a lot of pebbles. I'm lucky like that, I guess."

"Thank you, Shepard," Garrus said and Jo realised he turned an almost black shade of blue around his forehead. Was this the turian way of blushing? "Perhaps it's just you bringing out the best in your team."

"He's not wrong, Shepard," Ahern said. "You found your special team, you never let go of them."

"Not even in a dream," she nodded, finishing her pie. "Anyways, we have to leave, Admiral. I wish you luck putting Vidinos straight again. I'm told he made a real connection with my krogan."

"We're not going to be missing you, Shepard," he said with a grin.

"If you come up with a mission that might actually challenge me – message me and I might drop by again."

"Good luck with your work."

"Good luck with your turians."

"It's been a pleasure."

"Damn right it was!" she shook his hand and followed Garrus towards the exit. For once she had a relaxed smile on her face.


	7. True to your heart

Their next mission was Feros and once again they had a full day before arrival. Alenko asked her for a quick word but she firmly told him to do his job. She refused to let him ruin her good mood that day. She'd spent it with Tali instead, discussing her pilgrimage and the intel on geth that Jo found on one of the missions. Tali wanted to present it to her fleet as a gift and Jo encouraged her.

In the evening Jo arranged one of those lazy poker nights in the mess hall. They played a turian game this time and Garrus was scandalised when Tali beat him at his own game. In this manner they drank and talked the whole evening away. At some point Adams and his guys wanted her to compare two bullets and tell them if there was difference in weight. They still tried to trip her up about measurements. At the first glace it were two perfectly ordinary Nr. VII Shredder rounds. It took a very close inspection to find a spot on one of them where the techies had shaved off half a gram. They'd obviously spent some quality time doing this, using their best precision instruments to leave no trace. The work did, however, leave a slight irregularity in the bullet form, which she told them. They were very impressed.

"In the name of interspecies cooperation," Garrus said at some point. "Shepard, would you indulge a question about humans?"

"Sure," she smiled.

"There is one thing about humans that turians don't have, and I was always curious about it."

"Me too," Wrex suddenly chimed in, his voice rumbling through all their lungs. Jo and everyone else looked back and forth between them. They'd been conspiring together, it seemed.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Your hair."

"What about it?"

"Well, I heard somewhere that you have no feeling in it, that's why you can cut it any way you wish, but…" Garrus sounded intrigued. "How does it feel to the touch?"

Jo kind of froze with half a smile on her face, as the other humans exchanged awkward glances.

"What did I say?" Garrus picked up on that. "Something inappropriate? Forgive me, I didn't mean to."

"No, it's not really inappropriate, it's just…" Jo chuckled. "Well, maybe just a little. You see, we consider beautiful hair sexy, so touching it is often suggestive. Unless, of course, you ask for permission like you just did, and the woman agrees in the name of interspecies cooperation." She reached up to her bun and took out the scrunchie holding it together. A moment later it fell down her back in long, magnificent, white-golden waves.

Garrus and Wrex were not the only ones to suck in a breath. Liara seemed to almost blush, and Kaidan was devouring her with a blazing gaze. Jo shook her head and let the blond waves take their natural form around her back and shoulders. Garrus looked taken aback by the implications of his request, but Wrex was not the shy kind of krogan. He reached over and took a handful of her hair. Eventually, Garrus joined him. Jo explained to them that pulling human hair hurt quite a bit.

"What you're doing right now could be a little suggestive, but not inappropriate. Unlike, say, touching a woman's breasts would be. But I'm sure those are nothing new to anyone who's ever been to an asari strip club."

"Have you?" Wrex grinned like a devil. Jo grinned back:

"For interracial cooperation reasons only, of course."

"Of course."

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably, as did Pressly, and other guys. Liara inched a little closer to Jo from behind, just as curious about the strange human feature. Jo smiled, as she watched Wrex run his claws through a thick strand of her hair, marvelling at the feeling, and she grinned, wondering what Joker would say if he were down here and not at his work station.

Soon Liara's hands joined in. Jo could see Kaidan shift awkwardly with a frown on his face. She knew he didn't approve of what was happening. He was one part jealous, one part appalled at all the rule-breaking, one part freaked out by the sensuality of the aliens' actions.

"So soft…" Garrus said thoughtfully.

"Such a strange texture," Liara said, bending a thin strand in a loop.

"How come there is so little of it when you put it up, and so much of it when you let it down?" Wrex asked, fisting a sizable chunk of it.

"It's all due to combing," Jo said, and demonstrated a few hairdos, a braid, even a two-braids-option. Everyone was now watching, mesmerised. Wrex shamelessly sniffed her.

"What is this scent?" he asked.

"My shampoo, Wrex. Apricot-scented. It's a fruit from Earth."

"I like it," the gigantic krogan declared with a lewd grin, and Jo shook her head at him with a grin of her own:

"Okay, that's enough. I think you're getting too attached to it. Shoo." She gathered her mane into the same knot she wore before it all happened.

* * *

Joker was watching porn. He was pretty much alone in the whole CIC at this point late in the evening and porn was his usual pastime in those moments. Except when the night shift came up the stairs, he noticed them agitated. They spoke in low tones, as if something unusual made the news.

"What's up?" he asked his relief pilot.

"You're the man with the security camera access, didn't you see it?" Crosby laughed, settling in the co-pilot's chair.

"See what?"

"The Commander undid her hair and let the aliens fondle her all over!"

Joker blinked.

"Come again?"

"Seriously, man, you should have been there! It was hot!"

"Okay, get out of here, I'll be working for a few more hours. I'll let you know when to relieve me."

"You're going to watch it?" Crosby grinned knowingly and Joker gave him a d'uh-look. "I'll watch, too. Once was definitely not enough."

"I said get lost!" Joker snapped. Crosby shrugged and walked away with a grin. Joker wrapped up all his programs and logged into the security system. He didn't have to go far back in the logs. Just, it seemed, twenty minutes.

He watched it from six different angles. His brain shut down completely at the sight of Shepard's perfectly blond hair flowing down her back, and Garrus, Liara and Wrex caressing it so erotically… He forbade himself to think or even acknowledge that he was hot and bothered more than by the porn he'd been watching just a few minutes ago.

When it was over, his brain switched to autopilot. He set to work deleting the twenty minutes from all cameras. Just a few minutes later the incident was erased from existence entirely, save a little copy that went to his private archive, were nobody would ever find it.

Next morning Kaidan wore a strange expression when he came to the cockpit.

"Why the long face? You didn't like our Commander letting other guys touch her like that?" Joker poked.

"It was… What was she doing, seriously? It was not appropriate. It's unlike her."

Joker didn't bother to tell the other man that the stunt was actually exactly like Shepard, Kaidan wouldn't see it.

"How do you know, anyway? Over security cameras?" Kaidan asked.

"Of course."

Kaidan paused for a moment, then started pushing buttons on his console.

"Don't bother, LT," Joker said seriously, without looking at him. "It's gone."

"What?"

"The footage. It's gone."

Bright red flushed over Kaidan's face, then it became blotchy.

"I'd never… What makes you think… Wait. You deleted the feed?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So that this," he pointed at Kaidan. "-doesn't happen. She wouldn't like it."

* * *

Feros was confusing at first. The colonists seemed to be obsessed with odd things and spoke like they were demented. Jo helped them with supplies and water, but the geth blocking all communications needed to go. When they finally cut the claws holding the ship to the wall and the communication systems came on again, a voice cut through the interference.

"Normandy to the shore party, do you hear me? Anyone there? Come on, Commander, talk to me…"

Joker. Some bad tension in her guts suddenly relaxed at the sound of his boyish voice. Jo hadn't realised she was tense until his presence in her ear relaxed her again. She answered him with a grin, though some part of her pondered the curious sensation. There was writing on the wall here and someone wasn't reading it.

On their drive back to the colony they stopped to let Lizbeth meet with her mother on the Skyway Weigh Station. This Jeong person was seriously annoying Jo when he started shrieking like a crazy person that nobody would miss a few colonists. Jo took out her pistol and shot him right between the eyes.

"As if we don't have enough problems! Now we're shooting each other in the back?" Lizbeth's mother complained.

"In the back?" Jo said, unfazed. "I do believe it was a perfect shot straight in the face."

The woman opened her mouth to say something and shut it again.

"That was hot, Commander," Joker said in her ear.

Later, when the Thorian was killed and the green asari gave her the Cipher, she let her go. Her bloodlust was satisfied for today. She'd learned some interesting things about Saren and his ship, Sovereign, from Shiala. The indoctrination apparently came from Sovereign, not Saren. Even Benezia fell victim to it. Jo made a note to herself that it probably wasn't such a good idea to hang around this Sovereign for too long. She was a tough woman, but something told her it wouldn't matter in this case.

Back on the Normandy Liara jumped at the chance to unite their minds and Jo really hoped that it wasn't much like the asari sex. She didn't want to encourage the girl. Later she hung around Ashley for a long while, listening to her stories about her sisters, secretly wondering what it would be like to have sisters, or brothers, or parents, or anyone at all. She was actually postponing the moment when she would have to go back up, where Alenko would make sure to run into her again.

She was not disappointed, only he was not alone. Liara came, too. They began talking at Jo about concepts of jealousy and Kaidan's confusion at her alleged attraction to women. Jo's eyebrow crept higher and higher, the longer she listened. Were these two for fucking real?

"Make a choice, Shepard," Alenko attacked her. "If you're not serious about me, it'll hurt but I'll get over it. But until you tell me, I can't get over it."

Only then did they both look at Jo carefully enough to see her stunned, furious, icy glare.

"I don't know what the fuck you think is going on here," she said in a voice that sent shivers down everyone's spines. "But I sure as hell know that I have no time for this bullshit. Back to your stations, both of you."

"But Shepard," both Liara and Kaidan began protesting. Jo uncoiled the energy in her, raising her voice to a shout:

"NOW!"

They left. Jo took a deep breath, righted her uniform, smoothed her hair and cleared her throat. They would be the death of her one day. Once she was calm enough, she went to see Liara in her room.

"Liara, listen. I was not going to talk about it in front of other people, especially Alenko, I don't want him to get any false hope, but you have to understand that you and I are not going to happen. I believe I said so before."

"I know, Shepard, I'm sorry," Liara sounded and looked really sad.

"I am, too. I care about you like a good friend, but I'm not interested in more, I hope you understand."

"Yes, Shepard, I realise."

It gave Jo no pleasure to be crushing a young girl's hopes and dreams like that, but what she said to Joker a while ago was true. She was not into asari. Oh, she liked them just fine, they were a fascinating people, but she just didn't desire them sexually.

As Jo stepped out of the med bay, she saw Alenko watching her. He realised that she'd had words with Liara. Now she needed to crush another set of hopes and dreams.

He told her that he was not in high school anymore and could deal with rejection. Jo paused for a moment to consult her memory. High school. Vids and stories suggested high school was the place of the most difficult teenage romance drama, uncontrolled feelings, heartbreak over everything and nothing. Yes, that applied to this current situation, except Alenko was wrong. Talking to him felt exactly like high school, even though Jo had no direct comparison, having missed out on all kinds of school in her own life.

When he realised she wasn't angry anymore, he once again began talking her ear off with his sad childhood stories. About snapping and killing his turian instructor for picking on his old girlfriend. Clearly he was expecting some words of encouragement in-between, but Jo only listened with a frown.

"Maybe my intentions were noble, but I… lost control. I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck."

He was still talking, something about how Rahna shunned him after what happened, unable to deal with his outburst of violence and terrified of him, too, but Jo was not going to encourage his whining anymore. She listened in silence, then gave him her customary 'I should go', and went upstairs.

Joker nodded at her, busy setting course for their next mission: the planet mentioned in a suspicious note she found on Feros. She appreciated the silence he allowed her and thought back over the last ten minutes. Kaidan. He was controlled. He snapped and killed someone. People started fearing him and shunned him. All of that sounded incredibly familiar. Jo must have grown up with a completely different kind of people, though, because she snapped and killed on purpose all through her teenage years in the Tenth Street Reds to _make_ people shun her. Be scared of her. It was her only way of protecting herself. In the military she got a lot more controlled, but even now she was snapping and killing people who annoyed her enough, just for the sake of it, like Jeong on Feros. Unlike Alenko, however, she didn't think it was a blemish on her otherwise pristine character. It _was_ a part of her character. It made her unpredictable to many people, but she at least wasn't pretending to be someone she could never be. Being human didn't mean always being good. No, human nature meant many things, and violence and cruelty were just as much a part of humanity as nobility, humility, love, gentleness and forgiveness. When some people couldn't handle that duality, they became like Kaidan. Limited to one side and suffering unbearable guilt when the human nature prevailed and jerked them to the other side once in a while. He still had a lot to learn about what it meant to be himself, understand his own soul and accept it. He was not in the position to judge her. He was too limited in spirit for that. If she had been irritated by him before or even disliked him, it was gone now. Kaidan Alenko was nothing but a child to her. She couldn't be angry with a child for saying silly things. He would grow up eventually, and hopefully see that the only truth he could ever have in his life would come from inside him. Truth to his own heart.

"Thanks, Joker," she said, getting up to go.

"What for? I didn't say nothin'."

"For that. And for keeping other people at bay so well. This is the only place to really think in peace. And for the great company."

"You're welcome, I guess."

When they arrived on Nodacrux and found the small ExoGeni facility full with thorian creepers, Jo's heart dropped. There were many evil people in the world. She didn't have enough rounds in all her weapons for all of them.

"The creepers here were created using altered samples from specimen on Feros," Dr. Ross was talking, unaware of the arctic winter spreading in Jo's chest. "We discovered a way to turn them into docile, obedient servants."

Adrenalin began pumping through Jo's body faster and faster.

"Look, I know what we did here was wrong. I'll admit that. But it's over now, there is no sense in reporting this to the authorities, right?"

"I am the authorities," Jo said in a barely recognisable voice.

"Be reasonable, I didn't mean for this to happen. Besides, how does it help anyone if I end up in jail? I've got money. A nice little emergency fund I set up. It's yours if you let us go."

Jo's jaw dropped a little and she turned to her team, Tali and Wrex.

"Did she just honestly try to bribe me?" she asked them, incredulous. Tali was only shaking her head in disapproval at the doctor. Jo turned the same way: "You'll pay for what you did."

"Uh… I don't think so!" The woman and her team grabbed weapons and took cover behind crates, shooting at Jo.

"Wrex," Jo said, pointing at the crates. He got her without words. With two biotic pulls he removed the crates, leaving the scientists without cover. He and Tali took out the rest of them quickly enough, while Jo marched towards Dr. Ross and kicked the pistol out of her hand. "Look at me," she said. "I'm the justice of the angry galaxy that you upset. I will even out the scales now. Goodbye."

She kicked her in her scared face, sending her onto the floor. Then she emptied her magazine into her chest. Then there was blissful silence.

* * *

Joker was watching the feed, as always monitoring the mission. Even he felt the righteous anger when the woman tried to weasel out of responsibility. She didn't even try the usual "I didn't know what would happen", or "they hold my child hostage" or "it was temporary insanity" crap. She just admitted she was evil. But Shepard's voice sent a shiver down his spine. He wondered at her choice of words about evening out the scales for the upset galaxy. Usually she said nothing at all when she killed these bastards. She did sound like the spirit of the whole galaxy, righting a wrong.

"Commander, you have some seriously nuclear voice on you," he told her when she was back.

"That turned you on, admit it," she teased him.

"Would it turn you on if I said yes?"

She only smiled and tapped his shoulder before leaving.

Did she really just ask him if she was turning him on? Truth was – she definitely was. Not only because she had a hot body (though her ass was definitely hotter than Ashley's and Liara's put together, and he wouldn't mind… anyway…) but because she was a powerful woman. Dominating. All she needed was a black catsuit, a mask and a whip. He loved watching her in those moments when she was cruel to evil people, killing them without mercy. He was definitely turned on.

Great. He was hot for his Commander. He knew that before, of course, but now the realisation finally started to really sink in. It had been easier when they'd just met and he'd appreciated her fine ass just like every other female ass out there. But being turned on by one woman specifically? The woman he saluted to every morning? That only happened in vids, or to some dorks like Alenko. More so, it was dangerous. Seriously, what could possibly come out of it apart from embarrassing boners, unsatisfied desire and awkwardness? He was nothing if not realistic: he had no chance with a woman like that. It was better to squelch those desires in the root than crash and burn later. No one came unscathed from wanting that woman. He promised himself right then to never go there again, even in his mind. Instead he would be the friend she wanted and he'd have fun watching those who were crazy enough to risk it.

* * *

Immediately after that mission Jo got a message from Admiral Kahoku, telling her about Cerberus. They went to look for him and found his dead body in a facility that reminded her too much of Dr. Ross' lab and what happened on Feros and even Noveria to ignore. Her heart sank, when she found the admirable man's lifeless body locked in a cage with other tormented creatures. She didn't know him too well, but he always made an impression of someone who really cared. She personally carried his body onto the ship with all the respect the man deserved. To finish the business with Cerberus she ordered a course to Nepheron to investigate their bigger facility. It brought her a piece of encrypted information and a lot of headache.

"Take us to the Citadel, Joker, we need to deal with this."

"Aye aye, Commander. There is a transmission you're gonna want to hear."

"Greeting, Commander Shepard," a lying voice sounded in the speakers. She just knew he was lying. "I represent a party interested in obtaining information on Cerberus activities."

"Hello, Cerberus," she said firmly. The man paused, as did everyone in the CIC.

"I'm not Cerberus. As I said, I represent…"

"Don't tell me you actually expect me to believe that," she cut him off.

"I suspect I know less about Cerberus than you do. I'm merely an agent for the Shadow Broker."

"And I'm a fucking ballerina."

"You see, Admiral Kahoku contacted my employer looking for information on the location of any Cerberus facilities."

"Of course he did."

"We provided that information on the promise that he would turn over copies of all files gathered from Cerberus systems to us."

"After this little speech you still expect me to believe you're not Cerberus? Don't make me laugh. Oh, wait, I just carried the body of a great man in my arms. I'm not laughing!"

"Look, the Alliance is just going to file it in some archive. But no secret stays hidden forever. Eventually, someone somewhere will deliver it to my hands."

"Who said anything about Alliance? And who said anything about keeping it secret?"

That gave her opponent a moment's pause.

"Be reasonable, Commander. You gain nothing by keeping it, even less by making it public. I can pay you a lot of money."

Jo shook her head.

"Why would people assume I care about money? What is it about me that tells everyone: offer her money! It's so insulting that it's almost funny. Almost. Anyway, my clumsy Cerberus friend. You're not getting this intel from me. And tell your employer that when I find him, I will destroy him and his entire rotten organisation until ashes are scattered and dust is settled. And if you're smart enough, you will run like hell from that employer of yours. That's the only thing that might save you."

"I see this conversation has no point."

"It never had a point."

When they were on the Citadel, Jo gave the Cerberus intel to Alliance, to Kahoku's family to deal with as they pleased, to the Council, and saved it in the Spectre database. Anyone who wanted it could get it, even reporters. Cerberus was a freak show and needed to be dealt with, even though Jo had no time for them right now.


	8. Ghosts from the past

While on the Citadel she ran into someone entirely unexpected. Someone who made her stop in her tracks. Johanna Shepard never forgot a face. And this man… Last time she saw him, he was a boy of fifteen, small, skinny, dirty, covered in pimples. Ethan Finderley, nicknamed Finch. A sneaky little shit from the Tenth Street Reds. His presence here on the Citadel, after eleven years, was like a punch in the face.

* * *

Joker sat up and looked closer at the feed from Shepard's camera. The way she sucked in some air when she saw the human man alarmed him. Everyone knew she was not of the jumpy or skittish kind. Whoever that man was, he was interesting. Joker was not disappointed:

"They told me it was you," the guy spoke up with a smug grin. "But I didn't believe it. Shepard grew up and turned into a soldier."

To Joker's great pleasure Ash also seemed very interested in Shepard's reaction because her camera was firmly set on the Commander's face. Joker saw no real expression there, but the lack of it was an indication that something strong was going on inside her.

"Why are you in my way?" Shepard said calmly, her stance calculated, relaxed, powerful.

"Name's Finch. You probably don't remember me, but we ran together in the Tenth Street Reds."

Joker sat up straight in his chair. Curiosity shot through him like lightning bolt. Tenth Street Reds? Shepard's extended file said something about her being in a gang as a teenager, Tenth Street Reds. No way, he thought. This guy was from her past? Her pre-military past? The one nobody really knew anything about? This was priceless!

"Maybe you don't remember it yourself, running in a gang. None of the vids mention it when they're talking about you."

The corner of her mouth jerked a little and her voice changed when she spoke. It turned deeper, harsher, colder… She sounded like a backstreet criminal:

"The vids never tell the whole story. So, what can I do for the Reds?"

The guy continued to tell her a story about one of the Reds being in turian custody for some minor offence and asked her to get him out. He also explained how since her days the Reds had expanded outside Earth.

"Word has it you've got some pull with the aliens. All we're asking you to do is pull a little for us."

"I'll see what I can do," she said in the same criminal voice. All Joker missed right now was popcorn. This was better than any vid he had ever seen!

"Thanks, Shepard," the guy said, offering her his hand. "I knew you'd remember your friends."

Shepard took his hand and held it firmly, while she pulled her pistol and shot the guy in his foot. He screamed and collapsed, but she remained calm.

"Ash, step on him, will you? Don't let him run away while I talk to the turian."

"You already shot him in the foot, Jo," Ash shook her head. Joker noted that for some weeks now Ashley, Wrex, Garrus and Tali were calling their Commander Jo instead of Shepard.

"He's a weasel. Just… Actually, grab him and bring him with us."

All four of them went to Chora's Den. Garrus hung back a little, watching the whole scene, as Shepard approached a turian at the bar and Ash pushed whining and moaning Finch into one of the chairs.

Shepard spoke to the turian with the utmost politeness and respect, probably to point out to Finch that he couldn't control her. She quickly found out that the other gang member had been arrested for a hate crime against turians and was facing a lifetime sentence. He admitted to working with several anti-alien organisations. Shepard thanked the turian very respectfully and turned to Finch.

"I knew you didn't have what it takes, Shepard. If you can't be useful, you'll be publicity," the little shit said. "When we're done telling your story, all aliens will know what the first human Spectre really is. They don't know that the Reds target aliens specifically. Your alien friends won't like you so much when they hear what your friends did."

Shepard's eyes brushed quickly to the side, giving Garrus a cheeky glance. Joker could see through her feed how he winked at her – a gesture she'd taught him a month ago. Oh, yes, this turian would definitely start hating Shepard when Finch told everyone his story, no doubt about that! Joker could barely hold down laughter.

Shepard continued playing along with a serious face, asking Finch what would get him out of her life, but Joker could see all of their faces and knew they could barely stay serious when Finch wailed:

"If you won't help us, we'll drag your name through the dirt! Your alien friends will revoke your Spectre status. You'll be nothing. Unless you're willing to pay, say, 500 credits."

That did it. The whole team laughed so suddenly and loudly that Finch jumped, cursing at his bleeding foot.

"Oy," Shepard cleared her throat, trying to stop the giggles, while Finch looked at her aghast. "Did you hear that, guys? 500 credits! Oy, on my mama's grave, this is so great, I wanna watch this on our next vid night!" She calmed the last giggles and rubbed a tear from the corner of her eye. "You little shit, 500 credits will barely cover the shipment costs to Earth."

"What shipment costs?"

"Your body in a casket."

"If you kill me, we'll finish you. You'll never wash off the dirt we'll pour on you!"

"Man, you do realise what this is, don't you?" she tapped the tiny device on her temple. "It's called a camera. It's recording everything you just said. You just shot yourself in the foot. I mean, the other foot."

Shepard turned to the turian guard who watched the exchange with mild disgust.

"Sir, would you please stand witness to what's going to happen now?"

"Sure."

She pulled her pistol out again and shot Finch fifteen times in the heart without even looking his way. Chora's Den paused for a moment, then returned to the usual business. The body fell to the ground and blood started pooling.

"Impressive," the turian said. "Perhaps the first human Spectre will not be a disappointment after all. Good bye, Spectre."

Shepard looked down at the body and spoke:

"Joker, please, write down a name. Gore Stanbury. When we're done with Saren, could you please remind me to pay this gentleman a visit?"

"Will that visit involve incendiary rounds?" he asked her with a grin.

"Most certainly."

Shepard personally called C-Sec. The body was moved through the system under her watch after she provided the video material containing her entire exchange with Finch. Then she had it put in a coffin-sized crate, put a datapad with the vid copy on his chest and personally paid 500 credits for a delivery to a warehouse on the 10th Street in Vancouver, Earth.

After the incident Joker kept wondering what Shepard had been like in her youth, as a child, a teenager. The earliest photo of her in her Alliance file was at the age of 18, when she enlisted. So, next time she came around to check on him, he asked her about that. She tilted her head, thinking.

"Imagine a kitten that was born in the wild, never had any contact with humans, and was suddenly caught and put in a cage. What does that kitten look like? Well, it backs into a corner, hisses, shows fangs, claws, tucks its ears in, bows its back, whips the tail, fur stands on end. That kitten would never let anyone approach it. It lashes out, bites, scratches, it's untameable. It would rather claw its way up a wall than let anyone touch it. No matter how gentle you try to be, it'll never trust you. That's me in my childhood and teenage years."

"But you were always surrounded by other humans, people like you, weren't you?"

"I would hardly call them people. It was a wild world where only the strongest survived."

"And why exactly did you join the Alliance?" he asked. She always made it sound like there was some very specific reason for that. Even now she bit her lip and turned to leave:

"Stick around long enough, Joker, and maybe – just maybe – one day I'll tell you why."

* * *

They left the Citadel the same day on another mission, when Jo got another message from Hackett. This one froze her all over. Akuze. Alliance scientists had been working on Akuze at the same time her unit had been wiped out by the Thresher Maw. Now they were turning up dead. She wasn't breathing when she ordered Joker to fly them to the last scientist's last known location. She was seriously not in the mood to talk to anyone else right now, so she went to the cockpit and shooed Alenko out of his seat. When he was gone, she sat down and started tapping her fingers on the armrest.

"You sure it's about your unit, Commander?" Joker asked carefully. "Who would be killing those scientists?"

"No, I'm not sure, but it would be a hell of a coincidence. Classified project, their suspicious timing, and now they're being executed? I need to know what's going on."

Two ghosts from the past on one day? That was intense. It turned a lot more intense when she opened that door and found Corporal Toombs pointing his gun at the scientist.

"Sheesh," she gasped for breath. A survivor. Another survivor! Another fucking survivor from Akuze!

"I have no grief with you, all I want is this bastard!" Toombs sounded hysterical. Slowly and carefully Jo took off her helmet and spoke:

"Toombs."

His head whipped to her side:

"Shepard? My God, Shepard? Is that you?"

"Toombs, how are you alive? I saw the Thresher Maw chew on you!"

"They took me, Shepard. The scientists. See, they were running tests on the Thresher Maws. They let those things hit us just to watch and study. I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I survived. Now they had someone to run tests on."

Jo's heart turned over. She stepped closer to him and asked quietly:

"What did they do to you?"

"You can't believe Toombs, he has no proof! I demand a fair trial!" The scientist yelled. He was already dead, he just didn't know it yet. Jo dismissed him, too focused on the shifting world around her. She was not the sole survivor of Akuze. Her Corporal Toombs stood before her.

"This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"

Jo stepped even closer and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"He will die, but this is not your kill. It was my unit. You were my soldier. He and you are both my responsibility. I'm a Spectre now, nobody will persecute me."

"You can't kill me! You don't know who you're dealing with!"

"Damnit, Shepard, let me kill him! You got out with a few scratches and a scary reputation. I'm the one they tortured! Ever had Thresher Maw acid in your veins? I have. They wanted to see what it would do. They're part of some organisation, Cerberus, they run secret tests like this. They treated me like a lab animal. This is justice."

"If I'd known, I'd have come back for you, Toombs. I'd never leave anyone behind. You know that."

"Yeah, Shepard."

"I'm sorry about all that happened to you. But you don't get to throw away your life like this. He is mine."

She raised her rifle and sent one incendiary round into the doctor's abdomen.

Toombs looked down and covered his helmet's visor with his hands.

"It's… over. Maybe now I'll be able to sleep."

Jo threw one arm around his neck and tugged him with her.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride. We have some stories to share."

Everyone who was not on duty gathered in the mess hall around their guest. Normandy didn't usually do guests, so it was big news. Even better was the fact that this guy could tell them stories about her from the old times, before she became N7, when she was young, only a Lieutenant, before any of them met her. Stories from the mission that gave her the ghastly and rather questionable reputation. Akuze.

"Nice ship, Shepard," Toombs finally cracked a smile, as she sat him down with some food and allowed the crew to relax for the evening. "I knew you'd make it far."

"Thanks. Your presence means that I'm not the sole survivor of Akuze, as I've been marked for all these years. You can't believe how happily I'm saying goodbye to that title!"

"How did you get out anyway? I thought everyone died, I thought I was the only one left."

She got up from her chair:

"Not without your help, Toombs." People gasped when she started lifting her shirt, then tugged down the waist of her trousers. Even Toombs looked up with interest, forgetting all his trouble. She pulled the waist down a few inches, baring a patch of skin that showed an old bullet wound. "That's your work."

"Mine? What are you talking about?"

"That Maw jumped up from beneath, you got caught in its teeth and you fired your weapon in all directions without looking. Got me good. I fell down and started crawling away. The Maw never came for me anymore. I thought you were dead, eaten by the thing. The others were already… well, you know how it was. So, I was bleeding to death, as I climbed over rocks and sand, took me hours to get to the LZ. They patched me up and declared me a hero. Some fucking hero. I didn't see it coming. I should have."

Toombs did something no other person on this ship would ever dare to do in their right mind: he reached out and ran his fingers over the exposed skin of her hip, over the scar he had given her.

"You and me, Shepard, we are the last ones."

"That we are. I've been killing Thresher Maws whenever I could since then. I returned to Akuze and killed the one. Then two more."

"Yeah, I've been doing some cleaning up of my own."

She sat down and took his wrists in her hands.

"Toombs, I'm so sorry for everything. Leading the unit into that nest, getting everyone killed… I'm so sorry I didn't find you. If only I'd known, if only I'd researched more afterwards, connected the dots, I should have found those scientists."

"Don't beat yourself up, Shepard. You didn't know."

"You were my responsibility, Toombs."

"What's done is done. They've all paid for what they did."

"I lay in that hospital thinking about all of you, and I cried."

"Get lost, Shepard, you don't cry!" he chuckled.

"No, true fact. I cried."

"Really?" he looked at her with big eyes, still the young Corporal he used to be, despite all that had been done to him.

"Yes. Toombs, it's over for both of us now. What can I do for you? Take you somewhere? Have you seen your sister since?"

"No, I haven't. Couldn't face her."

"She's still on Elysium?"

"Suppose so."

"She'll be as happy to see you as I am."

"What am I going to do?" he sounded lost.

"Live a life you were robbed of by those fuckers. By the way. Did you say they were Cerberus?"

"Yes, I found out when I was looking for them. Got some intel on Cerberus activity. Our unit was not the first and not the last they did something like that to, Shepard."

"Hackett told me they were Alliance scientists working on a classified project."

Heavy silence fell in the mess hall. The implication of Cerberus agents working under Alliance cover and protection were potentially explosive and they all knew that.

"Give me all the intel you found. I've had a few run-ins with Cerberus before and they gave me nightmares, but this is personal. I will destroy them one day, I promise you." She didn't add that she would never forget Alliance's involvement, either. Toombs had been through enough.

"Thanks, Shepard." He looked around at all the people quietly watching him and finally relaxed into a real smile. "I see you finally got what you always wanted, eh? Mixed alien-human unit?"

"Yeah, well, it just… happened."

"You always wanted a mixed team?" Tali asked. Finally, story time.

"Why don't you tell them all the embarrassing stories about me, while I go look up your sister's address?" Jo suggested to Toombs and went to her room to use her Spectre authorisation to run a person search. When she came back, everyone was hanging on Toombs' words. He was telling them about the time she kicked another Lieutenant's teeth in for suggesting the First Contact War was a miserable defeat for humanity and that the turians should be made to pay for it.

"We were all relaxing in the lounge when Shepard and Diaz got into it about the First Contact war," he was telling them with fire in his eyes. "They stood at the pool table with cue sticks in their hands, and things got more heated and heated, Diaz was shouting that all turians were monsters, you know, stuff like that. We thought the cues will soon get some action, but then Shepard just jumps up and kicks Diaz in her face. Nobody had ever seen a kick like that! People came running, you know, other officers, to see what was happening, and we all thought: shit, this is bad! Then Major Wyer walks in, and Diaz is still on the floor, holding her face, and he asks: what's this? Diaz is quiet like a fish, and we all start mumbling about how it was an accident, when Shepard says…"

"I did it," Jo said from where she stood, playing along with Toombs' story. He looked at her with a cheeky smile, as all his listeners jerked to find her there.

"Yeah, she holds that cue like a flagpole and says: I did it. Diaz starts mumbling about how it was an accident, but Shepard says: look, there is her blood on my shoe. So Wyer orders her in shackles and puts her in the brig. Didn't last long, though."

"You harmed another officer and got away with it?" Alenko was sceptical. Jo approached the table and joined the circle:

"I was facing a disciplinary action. Spent three nights in the brig waiting for the official charges, but someone from higher up found out what the incident was about, so they dropped the charges under the condition that I formally apologise to Diaz."

"Did you?" Garrus asked.

"I apologised for losing my cool, but refused to apologise for believing she's a trigger-happy xenophobic moron."

"Why, Shepard, you have some strong opinion on the First Contact incident?" Garrus was intrigued.

"I do. I wish I'd been there," she said firmly. Now everyone turned to her, Toombs' eyes were sparkling. He knew what she would say and the way she sounded made him relive those old days before the horrors of Akuze.

"Don't keep us waiting, then," Wrex urged.

"Well, it might be difficult for you guys to understand, but back then we'd never seen an alien before. As far as we knew, Protheans that left us an archive on Mars were gone and we were the only species left in the galaxy. Then Shanxi was built. They sent out an expedition through a new relay to explore the uncharted territory. Humanity was barely a decade into the whole new world of mass effect, relays, interstellar travel, we were fresh out of diapers back then. The expedition jumps through the relay and encounters the greatest miracle in our little human universe: real, living, breathing aliens. One of the most defining, historic moments of our existence! Hell, we've dreamt about aliens for thousands of years, making up stories, looking at the stars, asking them the question as old as time for us: are we alone in the universe? The Mars archives gave us proof that there used to be someone out there long ago, but the Shanxi expedition actually found living aliens! That was the greatest miracle, the most unbelievable thing in the world, the most fantastic, beautiful, mind-blowing and life-changing thing in all the human history. Aliens open fire on them, one frigate returns and gives the Shanxi government the news. The most important news ever given to the human race. And what do they decide to do?"

Her speech was so energetic, her fist banged on the table so forcefulyl that people now hung on her words.

"They fucking retaliate!"

"You would have done something different?" Liara asked.

"Damn right I would."

"Like what?"

"I would have set up a transmission on a ship saying in Prothean language that we mean no harm to anyone and flown it through the relay myself. We were uplifted by the Protheans, so it stood to reason that the aliens, if they weren't Protheans themselves, would at least know the language and technology. If it was the only way to communicate with them, I would have put the best linguists on that ship and begged those aliens to talk to me."

"You think they would have?" Tali asked. Jo turned to Garrus:

"Would they have?"

"Probably. There are protocols for first contact situations. They thought humans were violating the Council Law about not using inactive relays, they didn't realise you were actually a new species. They would have at least stopped firing, if they received a message in Prothean language."

"Exactly. One decision that defines humanity to the rest of the galaxy ever since. Retaliation."

"So, say you were at Shanxi, sent out an expedition which got shot down by turians and only one ship returned, reporting hostile aliens. You wouldn't shoot back?"

"Under no circumstances."

"But how could you know they were not actually some hostile aliens who destroyed every other species out there? You could have risked a full-scale invasion."

"That is a risk a person in command always has to consider. Shanxi's choice had been to engage with force. I would have died before I'd let that happen."

"And if the turians invaded Shanxi anyway?"

"The Arcturus station and the fleets were still there and would have dealt with an armed force. The whole thing depended on the actions of the man who gave the order to shoot down the turian patrol in retaliation. That was the greatest treason against humanity, against peace and against the galactic community that any human has ever committed."

"So you blame humans for the First Contact war?" Garrus asked.

"Abso-fucking-lutely. When I joined the military, I knew I would have to do better than that. It has always been my motivation. No fearful, trigger-happy baboon under my command should ever have a chance to commit such a crime ever again."

That gave them all a lot to think about on the way to Elysium, where Jo delivered Toombs to his sister in one piece. Ash avoided Jo for a few days. Jo knew what the younger woman's beliefs were strong because it was her own grandfather commanding Shanxi's forces, but she'd made a crack in Ashley's defences before and hoped the young woman would see the light.

It was partly to irritate Ashley, when Jo asked Wrex to spar with her in hand-to-hand in the cargo bay again. The gunnery chief always watched those sessions with bewilderment. Jo knew she couldn't understand her closeness to other species.

Wrex gave her a few bruises, but he knew enough about human physiology now to find ways to have fun without serious damage. Jo won that session. When she finally sat on Wrex' back, twisting his arms backwards until he gave up, they were both laughing.

"You're like a pyjak, Jo," he rumbled from beneath her. "Too fucking quick! But I betcha, in a real fight to the death I'll win."

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will."

"Won't."

"Will, will, will."

"Won't, won't, won't! I can take you with my bare hands."

"Tell yourself that, little monster," the huge krogan lifted himself up when she released his arms, and got to his feet with Jo still sitting on his shoulder. He threw her off himself like a sack of potatoes and put her on the ground carefully, almost lovingly.

"One day I'll tell you the story about David and Goliath, Wrex," Jo said affectionately. She could see Ash's displeased face. She left Wrex and approached the dark-haired woman.

"Something on your mind, Ash?"

"No, Commander."

"And truthfully?"

"You said that my grandfather's actions were the greatest treason against humanity."

"Yes, I did."

"All my family was always doing their duty, picking up the rifle and joining the fight! We serve humanity, first and foremost!"

"And how did he serve humanity on Shanxi? By single-handedly launching a full scale war against a whole new species? He risked our safety, resources, even existence – why? Because he got scared. He did us no service. He discredited us all, put a shadow on our relationship with all the other races. Tell me, Ash, what kind of service do you think he did to humanity back then?"

"He was protecting us as best as he could!"

Everyone in the cargo bay now could hear their raised voices, and chose wisely not to interfere.

"How come armed response was the best he could do?" Jo asked quieter, calmer.

"It was…" Ash stumbled over her own words. "It was the only way he knew."

"Would you say that a non-military person in his place would have done something different?"

After a pause Ash shrugged:

"Probably."

"Tell me, how did retaliation protect humanity?"

Ashley shut up and returned to her guns. For a minute there was silence.

"Ash. Tell me. How did your grandfather help humanity that day?"

"Shepard, leave me alone, please. I can't just… Can't just say goodbye to what I believed my whole life."

"Would you do the same as he did if you were put in the same position right now? Ask yourself that. The answer will say everything about the woman you are."

Jo left Ashley alone and set sail to Virmire to investigate a lead from the Council about Saren. A whole day after their conversation Ashley came to her cabin and asked for a private conversation.

"Drink?" Jo offered her some batarian ale. They sat together over two poured glasses.

"You've been pushing my buttons ever since we met," Ashley said mirthlessly.

"Yes, it's what I do."

"Could you give up something you believed your whole life if someone said you were wrong?"

Jo thought about that.

"I don't know. But I'd at least try to see the problem from all sides."

"I believe in protecting humanity against all threats. I always knew who I was and what I needed to do. Then you come in and start picking me apart, Jo. It's not fair."

"Can I do anything to make your life easier?"

"Not if you want to remain who _you_ are. I just… Help me out here, Jo. I don't know what to think, or what to do. You give all those big speeches about the First Contact War, but let's face it, you speak with the knowledge that we didn't have back then. Nobody knew what turians were, how strong, what they wanted. It's easy to talk now, because we know the situation, but back then?"

"I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, Ash, because I respect you and I respect the toughness of your grandfather's position. But the actions of a person who doesn't know the whole situation yet tell a lot about him. First of all he didn't bother to learn more. Second, he assumed hostility. Third, he acted on an assumption out of fear. There are historic moments like that, and some people aren't ready for them. Frankly, most people aren't. I'm not saying I am a perfect leader, spirits forbid. But I have an eye for that kind of situation. I'm very vocal about my vision of peaceful cooperation of all species, and I'm willing to offer my hand in peace, even if the chance is big that it'll be bitten off. Ash, I'm not making you believe anything. I'm just telling you what I believe in. I offered you once to get you another assignment if you weren't comfortable with my ideas, but you stayed, didn't you?"

"Yeah… It's just… You confused me with your crazy ideas, but I wanted to see how you stick to them in action."

"And?"

"I still can't figure you out. You killed Liara's mother, but you let the rachni queen go. I mean, I get it. Sort of. And I'm sticking with you, I'm not leaving. But my family…"

Jo took Ashley's hands in her own.

"You cling to what you were taught to believe in like it's the last straw holding you over an abyss. I understand that you want security, you want to know you'll land safely if you let go of that straw. Sure, I'll be here and I could show you the beauty of what I believe in. I have a feeling you want to see it, too. But you'll have to let go and let yourself fall first. I can't do that for you. That's your job."

"What, that easy? Just forget everything I knew all my life?"

"No, nothing is easy about it. In fact, hardly anyone can claim to have that kind of courage. To try something new. We're all creatures of habit to some extent. Even I never had to change my mind so thoroughly. If you manage, damn, you'll be better, stronger than me, Ash."

Ashley squeezed her hands in hers:

"You're a crazy woman, Jo. I don't know if I can make it, but… I'll think about it."


	9. Angels on the ground

Once on Virmire Jo fell back into the N7 training state of mind. Impossible odds. No backup. Extremely limited resources. Low morale. A perfect job for Lieutenant Commander Shepard. And then Captain Kirrahe had the good grace to tell Wrex about Saren's research into the genophage. He freaked, stomped off and started shooting his rifle in Normandy's general direction. If he left a scratch on her baby, she would grind him to dust.

"Calm down your krogan," the salarian said. "Before he hurts someone."

"You sure it's a good idea to talk to him right now? He looks pissed," Ash said.

"Watch and learn, Williams," Jo patted her shoulder and walked closer to Wrex.

"This isn't right, Shepard. If there is a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it!"

"I understand. I do. But I'm not the enemy here, Saren is the one you should be angry with."

"Oh, really? Saren created the cure for my people. You want to destroy it. Help me out here, Jo. The lines between friend and foe are getting blurry from where I stand."

"Saren didn't create the cure _for your people_. He created it to breed him an army of mindless killing machines. They're meant to be his tools, Wrex. I don't share Kirrahe's opinion that krogans don't deserve the cure. You know me better than that. But right now Saren is our biggest problem. He will use that cure as a weapon. If we don't destroy this whole base right now, none of us will be here to see the cure being put to good use."

"That's a chance we should be willing to take. This is the fate of my entire people we're talking about!" He got right in her face, the intensity of his feelings washing over Jo like a shower. "I've been loyal to you so far. Hell, you did more for me than my family ever did. But if I'm going to keep following you, I need to know we're doing it for the right reasons!"

He pulled his shotgun on her. Jo folded her arms on her chest and cocked her head:

"Wrex, these krogans are Saren's tools. If we allow him to use it, you will all be his tools. Is that what you want for your people?"

He was still thinking about it, the muzzle of his rifle barely a foot away from Jo's chest, when she saw Ashley slowly taking position behind Wrex. She leaned to the side to look over his shoulder and yelled:

"Ash, what the fuck are you doing back there? Don't make me fucking kill you." Then she returned to look at Wrex, completely ignoring his weapon trained at her. "Wrex, I know what the genophage means to you and to your people from your words, and they were powerful words. I know it looks like I'm about to take away the only hope you have to survive. But if Saren created it, then it can be recreated in the future. And it will be a future where the krogans can teach their children what it means to be krogan. They will be free, not anyone's tools, not toys, not guard dogs, not mindless brutes, but a glorious, strong race. You know now that a cure can be made. Have a little faith, Wrex. In yourself and in me."

He looked at her with that blazing red stare of his and she could see wheels turning in his head. Then he lowered his gun.

"All right, you've made your point. I hate this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead."

"Belle: two, Beast: zero," Joker chuckled in her ear and she smiled. Wrex put away his rifle and gave her a curious look:

"You didn't pull your weapon, Jo."

"I didn't need it."

"You may not know it, but it's considered a great insult for my people, if you don't see your opponent as threatening enough to even pull your weapon on them."

"Come on, Wrex, we've been friends for how long now? Give me some credit. I thought it would mean something like that. But this was a battle of wills, not bodies. It wasn't meant as an insult, I just don't need my weapon to enhance my willpower. I'm not afraid of you, Wrex. It doesn't mean you're weak. It only means that I'm always stronger."

He shook his head a little in good humour:

"You're crazy. Crazier than anyone I've ever met."

"I know," she said and nudged his in his side: "I still can take you with my bare hands."

"Can't." He nudged her back.

"Can."

"Can't, can't, can't!"

"Can, can, can!"

The salarians around them looked aghast at the open display of affection.

* * *

Then everything went to hell. Virmire changed all of their lives. Joker's heart broke as he listened to the transmission between Ash, Kaidan and Shepard. Through Garrus' feed he could see how angry and desperate she looked, pacing up and down that rooftop, ready to kill anything and anyone, just to not be forced to choose.

A short time later, or maybe an eternity later, he watched her talk to Kirrahe in the cargo bay. Virmire was over. If he knew anything about his Shepard, she was deeply shaken by the day she'd had. A gaping hole opened in the crew's body at the spot where Ashley used to work. Joker could see that she was about to collapse but couldn't allow herself the weakness anywhere… but around him. Shepard kept all conversations short. He took notice of how she did not stop at Kaidan's station to chat, but went right up to the CIC.

She sat in the same place as the other times, curled up and turned to see him.

"Commander," he nodded solemnly.

"Jeff," she spoke quietly and he had to think for a moment to realise she'd never called him by his first name before.

He said nothing for a while, and neither did she. Asking her how she was would set her ablaze, he knew it. Making casual conversation would be disrespectful. Poking her would be too soon. The way she closed her eyes and obviously did some kind of breathing exercise to calm herself down told him that she needed the quiet right now. He still wondered why she sought his company in those moments, but another part of him was incredibly proud. He was the one this woman came to when she needed support, when she was about to break apart. He let her collect herself. If she wanted to talk, she would let him know. After a while she did:

"What a fucked up day."

"I know. Didn't see that coming."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"Ash…"

"Ash will never be forgotten, as long as I live," she forcefully interrupted him.

"Of course not."

"I loved her like a sister," Shepard offered in a softer tone.

"So… why'd you pick Kaidan?" he asked and braced himself for a storm, or maybe even a punch. Instead she kind of sobbed.

"It'll sound horrible if I tell you."

He looked at her with worry:

"Shepard, I'll never judge you, you know that. Never."

She observed him for a little while, then sighed:

"Ash was ready. Kaidan isn't."

"Ready for what?"

"It's just a feeling… a feeling I have about them both. Ash learned so much since I met her. She changed so much, and she had the strength to welcome that change. It's not a small deed, it requires more strength than most of us imagine. She truly understood sacrifice. She was… she was ready to ascend to her god as an angel. Kaidan, though… he knows sacrifice, but he is miles away from being as magnificent as she was. He hasn't reached his potential, like she had. He needs to live and learn, and maybe it'll help him get there, knowing that an angel gave her life for him. He's not ready to die in peace. What I did… I know people see it as reward for Alenko and punishment by death for Ashley, but it felt the other way around. It's punishment for him, because he's not good enough to die at peace with himself. He has to live with it. I'm not sure any of it makes any sense to anyone but me."

"It does, Shepard. It does. It's just an unusual way of seeing things. Your way."

"Is my way the right way?"

His heart sank. For the first time since he met her, he could hear a note of self-doubt in her voice. Commander Shepard didn't usually need anyone's approval, she made her decisions and stood by them, no matter who jumped down her throat. She bludgeoned her way through any kind of tough situations. She'd been angry at herself and very sorry when Toombs had appeared out of nowhere, but she hadn't doubted herself like now. Something pinched in Joker's chest. She was only human after all, not an infallible machine that always made the right choice. He could see now that she might not always show it, but the choices she made tore at her soul just like anyone else. Usually her iron front kept her feelings from showing, but not today. This was the day she cracked.

He couldn't let that happen. Not because she was his Commander and needed to be strong to lead them into their next battle. No. He couldn't let her crack and start doubting herself because he cared about her. She was hurting more than ever before and he wanted to help her. Ease the pain. Give her support. Boost her confidence. He would do anything to make her feel better, just because he couldn't stand the pain and doubt in her voice.

"You know what I think?" He said. "I think that if you do the right thing, it just feels right. Only you can answer that. Does it feel right, the choice you've made?"

She gave it a thought.

"It does. Yes, it does. Even now."

"Well, then. You know what I also think? I believe that you always make the choice that will feel right to you. And I'm here with you on this mission because I believe."

"In what?"

"In your way. Your conscience. Your heart. I mean, do you think it's easy for the crew to chase ghosts from a vision you had and nobody else can confirm? We all have to come to terms with that, with the fact that you and you alone know what the mission is. All of us had to make a deal with ourselves. Some follow you because you offer them direction, some follow you because of your killer ass. Some…"

"Yes?"

"Some follow you because we can see your light."

Suddenly she sobbed for real, and this was the first time he saw a tear escape the corner of her eye:

"Why me? What makes my light different from others? From Anderson, or even Saren? How do you know I deserve your trust?"

"I know it because whatever you do, you are honest and uncompromising. You say and do what I would have done if I were honest, if I could go to the same places, if I fought the same battles and was truly, really faithful to my heart. I wouldn't be here if your way wasn't my way."

"So… d'you think others follow me so eagerly because I show them what they could have done if they were at their best?"

"Not really _at their best_. After all, you do a lot of merciless things. But you show them what honesty is. If you're pissed at someone enough to want them dead – you kill them. If you know in your heart that someone deserves a chance, even if all logic speaks against it, you'll help them. Many people let logic cloud their judgement. Many would have killed the rachni queen, for example. But you showed everyone what they should have known better than logic. You showed people what it means to be true."

"You explain me so well, I wonder if there is still any mystery left to me."

"Nope, not to me, Commander," he allowed himself a chuckle.

"Hm, too bad, I like dazzling people with my mystery."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Is there a choice in your life that you regret? Something that didn't feel right? Ever?"

She fell silent for a while, thinking. Then she said:

"No. Don't think so."

"And that is why we'll all die for you in a heartbeat."

She fell silent after that, and while Joker flew the ship, he couldn't stop the butterflies in his stomach. Yes, he thought, I'd die for you in a heartbeat, anytime, any place.

When he turned to look at her a while later, he realised she dozed off. The tears had dried and her face relaxed. She looked like a cat on a windowsill. Hands curled against her chest, feet tucked under her. For the first time since he knew her, he saw a few strands of that gorgeous blond hair escape their prison and fall to her temple, ear and neck. She looked so real then, more real than ever. His heart ached with a feeling he absolutely refused to name. It still didn't stop him from turning his chair, reaching out to her and brushing the soft strands out of her face.

He'd never touched her before.

* * *

Jo woke up and the fighting instincts kicked in right away. Half a second later she realised where she was and why: cockpit, co-pilot's chair, talking to Joker. How had she fallen asleep? That was beyond unprofessional, it was just wrong.

Or it should have been. Because as she looked up at the pilot, she didn't feel wrong at all. On the contrary, she felt like she could easily wake up on a thousand mornings next to him and it would only feel right. However, it was not morning. She'd only been asleep for half an hour and Joker was still working. Jo got up, stretched and put her hand on his shoulder in her usual farewell gesture to him, about to leave. But the sleep and the conversation they'd had before mellowed her mind. Her hand lingered on his warm body, her fingers spread, her thumb gently stroked his neck and she really had to fight the urge to touch him more.

The cautious part of her brain offered her usual response: this is a weird situation, I should think more about it later. But the relaxed part of her only shrugged: no thinking. It just feels good. Still, she removed her hand before Joker, who was distracted by his consoles at the moment, could really notice.

It wasn't late and most of the people were still working at their stations, including Alenko. Jo went to her cabin and only a few seconds later someone requested entry. It was him. Jo paused before letting him in. Earlier, during the debrief with the others she'd firmly shut Kaidan down when he expressed his uneasiness about Ashley's death and his own survival, and later she avoided talking to him because frankly she couldn't even look at him. But fair was fair – he deserved her attention and her time, just like any other person on her ship. And she was a very good Commander, even if it meant doing things she really didn't want to do.

"Kaidan," she gestured him to enter and take a seat. Just like with Ashley the other night, she offered him some batarian ale. It spoke a lot about his state of mind and nerves that he accepted.

"Shepard," he began and she knew that he remembered well her angry outbursts during their previous conversations when he mentioned saving her from mistakes. She could sense that he wasn't here to question her or impose his morals on her. Today he was just a man, troubled more than anyone else on the ship, maybe even more than her. He was here to try and find some peace of mind. She owed him that much, having found hers already. "I have to know. Why me?"

Jo sighed. She'd told Joker the truth. She believed that Kaidan wasn't ready to die at peace and needed to keep living and learning to ever become good enough. But all diplomacy lessons she'd ever had pointed out that telling him that wouldn't be wise. But Joker's words also echoed through her mind. She was always true to her principles and right now she simply couldn't tell Alenko some pretty lie. She'd have to tell him the truth, even if some… other truth.

"I loved Ash like a sister, Kaidan. Giving her up was like cutting out a part of myself. But that is my pain and loss I'll deal with it. I just gave her a chance to choose her own exit. She understood true sacrifice and chose the one way out that left her at peace with herself. Not many people can claim a noble death."

Kaidan looked confused:

"So… it wasn't really about me. It was about Ash."

"In a way – yes."

"In what way? Don't you think I know what sacrifice means? I begged you to leave me behind."

"I just felt that she was… ready. She wasn't making that choice with her head, but with her heart. I respected her enough to give her that freedom."

"And I wasn't speaking from the heart?"

"Hm. To tell the truth, I wasn't really thinking about you at that moment. None of it had anything to do with you, personally. I saw the magnificent, beautiful person Ash had become and I let her ascend to greater things, as she wished it."

"But… why me, Shepard?" Kaidan was still shaking his head over his drink.

"Haven't you been listening to me at all? I didn't choose you. I chose her. Just not in a way you think."

"Then… why _not_ me?"

"For someone who claims to truly understand sacrifice you sure sound very selfish."

That made him stop questioning her and Jo really hoped he wouldn't notice how she danced around some aspects of her reasoning. Those were things she didn't want to tell him. At least not right now.

"Ash died because of me. Because of us," he said, swallowing some burning alcohol.

"No, she didn't. She died for us, for herself, but not because of you."

"I've served for years, but I never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action anyway. If you don't mind my asking… how did you deal with losses on Akuze?"

"As I said to Corporal Toombs: sat in the hospital and cried."

"Don't give me that, Commander. There is a lot more to dealing with those situations."

Jo took a breath and summoned the shiny, sparkling hero Alenko always seemed to relate to:

"It was my job to get everyone out safely. I failed." She played all her cards at once here, knowing that he needed her to admit failure of some sort, draw some heroic, dutiful conclusion and end on a soft note of a hope for a better future. That was Alenko's recipe. "I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here: I'll remember her and I'll do better for her."

"Yeah. I guess that's all we can do," Kaidan said and got up to leave. "Thanks for the advice, Ma'am."

Jo waited until the door closed after him before she sighed very deeply. Her way of commanding this ship was to bind each person to her personally. She showed each of them the kind of Shepard that motivated them best. For some of them she had to bare her soul, for some she had to exaggerate some character feature of hers. Alenko's Shepard was a mask that required most acting, and it was the one that exhausted her most. Alenko sucked all energy out of her. She truly didn't know how she would have dealt with him now if Joker hadn't pep-talked her earlier.

* * *

Joker watched the feed when Shepard was meeting with the Council again, telling them of Saren's base of operations. She took Kaidan with her, and by now there was no uneasiness left in Joker at the handsome man's close proximity to her. He knew now that she didn't take him with her as a reward, but to make him see how much he still had to learn. It was through Kaidan's and Garrus' feed that he saw Udina skilfully step into the talks and claim Shepard's victory for himself. He was close to cursing the bastard, but then he saw her face. Cold chills and goose bumps ran all over him. Her face showed nothing. No emotion at all. He didn't know if anyone there realised what this meant, but he sure knew. She was always honest enough to show people when she was angry with them. This time she was beyond angry. This blank face was a promise of death to Udina. A promise as sure as the sun coming up in the morning. He would receive no mercy from her, no reprieve, no second chance. He was a dead man walking and he just didn't know it yet.

As far as Joker knew, no one had received such a death sentence from Shepard, at least not while he'd been working with her. Not even Saren. But then, he realised, no one else had betrayed her so far. Saren was an enemy, and he fulfilled his role perfectly by working against her. He didn't disappoint. Udina just royally fucked her. And there was nothing scarier in the world than Shepard's face without any expression.

She only let herself fall when she was back on board. The Council had once again treated her like she was an insolent, delusional and dangerous child. Joker was enraged about his ship being out of his control right now, but the way the Council dismissed Shepard like she was nothing more than a common soldier really cut him. Did they really expect her to sit down and watch? Did they really have no idea how intelligent, smart and strong she was? They made her a Spectre, they should have known she was no simple soldier. She was a leader, and a great one, too. Today showed him how different things were outside the Normandy. On the ship everyone learned to respect and appreciate each other, no matter if they were humans, turians, quarians or other species. Out there in the world humans were still second rate people to be used when they could be useful, but kept on a firm and short leash otherwise. After everything Shepard and the Normandy crew had done! Not just about Saren, but rather about interspecies cooperation! How could they treat her like that?

She was a woman of unmatched strength and needed no protection, and usually Joker was the last person to get involved into political disputes, but he found himself wishing he could do something, anything, to help her realise her vision. Like he told her the day before, he came to see her passion as his own. He was a believer. He just didn't know yet what he could do.

Joker really had nothing better to do than watch security cameras all day, and he observed closely as Alenko found Shepard at her locker, trying to get her to talk. But Joker had a feeling that Alenko was up to something more when he pulled her up to her feet and leaned closer in. It was time to intervene, even if he would later have to ask for forgiveness. Better that than being sorry for something he didn't do.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson."

Kaidan jumped away from her, which was Joker's intent all along. Shepard looked at the camera and said:

"Are you spying on us, Joker?"

He could tell she wasn't angry with him. Maybe amused.

"No, ma'am, just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass the message on. The Captain said to meet him at Flux, that club down at the Wards."

They broke apart and she headed for the stairs. When she was at the airlock, she said to him:

"I can handle it, Joker."

Maybe she could, maybe not, but he had his own game to play. He would keep her safe in any way he could, whether she wanted it or not. Even from Alenko.

When she returned, he was drumming his fingers on his armrests. If Anderson was successful – and he really hoped that the Captain would break Udina's nose – they would steal their own ship and go against orders. Well, this galaxy needed to be saved, but mostly saved from itself, its own blindness and stupidity. Shepard stopped right behind him, both of them staring unblinking at the sensor, waiting for it to turn green. His hands were ready for action, and she had her hand on his shoulder. The only sign of her impatience was the squeeze of her fingers. She seemed to feel better now, focused, purposeful. If his support last night helped her to deal with the pain, he was glad. He was still cautiously thankful that he was not the one who had to make that kind of decisions. God knew he was not a leader, but he would try his best to support Shepard, if he could make her life easier in any way.

"Partners in crime, huh?" he muttered at her, never taking his eyes off the sensor.

"You're the best one I've ever had," she muttered back.

The light turned green and Joker set to work.


	10. Avatar of the people

The door swooshed after Kaidan, and Jo still stood in the middle of the room, her fists clenched. Her heart was beating fast somewhere in her throat and she caught a few extra breaths to calm it. What was he thinking? Seriously. How could he even assume? Her lips tingled where his brushed them, and Jo hurriedly rubbed her wrist against her mouth to get rid of the unpleasant sensation. How dare he make a move on her like that?

She started pacing. She had stopped flirting with him after she'd had sex and talk with Ahern, but apparently Alenko never got the message. Seriously, what was his damage? Hadn't she told him a while ago that she wasn't interested? A severe case of selective hearing? She almost ran against the wall, pushed herself off it with her fists and propelled herself in another direction. Make a move on her, well, that guy was seriously out of his mind. Like she'd ever be with such a pathetic, whiny, confusing crybaby.

She took a deep breath. No need to insult anyone. It sufficed to say that he was not exactly causing her stomach to flip and her heart to skip a beat. She was even sorry if she'd given him the wrong impression. Still, they were merely hours away from Ilos and their doomsday, she desperately needed to clear her head, to calm herself down. Jo stopped pacing, took a deep breath, held it, then released it slowly. She knew where she could find peace of mind and clarity of head, and much more than that. Her heart skipped a beat. The cockpit.

It was the end of the day shift, but she knew that Joker stayed late in his seat, when an important mission was scheduled in the morning. She was not surprised to find only two navigators in the CIC and Joker all by himself. His attitude held other soldiers firmly at bay, and she liked that.

"Hey, Commander," Joker nodded when she sat down. "Can't sleep?"

"Hm, I probably could, but… too much on my mind."

"It's going to be fine, tomorrow. If anyone can do it, you can."

"Oh, I know," she chuckled. "Ilos isn't what's on my mind."

That got his attention:

"Oh? Then what?"

Jo darted him a quick glance and searched her own feelings. She realised that she wanted to tell him everything. Why? Couldn't say. She did, however, distinctly remember the way she had felt on Feros. The absence of his voice in her intercom had made her tense. When he was back, she'd relaxed, gripped the rifle tighter, because she knew that all would be fine. All the times she came here seeking peace, guidance, help, a shoulder to lean on, he'd never disappointed her. All would be fine, as long as he was with her. She could tell him very much anything.

"Alenko," she said, making herself comfortable. He looked at her curiously, but hid most of his face under the brim of his hat. "He just came to my cabin and tried to kiss me. Imagine that."

There was a pause from Joker, then he said with just a slightly exaggerated outrage:

"Yeah, imagine that! Who in his right mind would make a move on their commanding officer? If not the regs, then your reputation alone should have warned him off. Did you break any bones?"

"No, I just sent him away. No need to leave damage for everyone to see. He's probably regretting it already," she sighed and curled up in the chair. Joker wasn't looking at her anymore, but found something extremely interesting on his static, perfectly orange screen. "It's not even about the regs," she sighed. She could tell how attentively he listened to her, despite making a show of focusing on the screens. "I guess if I had strong enough feelings for a man, I wouldn't even hesitate to leave the Alliance… But Alenko… there is just no spark. Most of the time I don't know what he's talking about. He's told me that he likes adventurous women, but then he seems to be punishing us for being just that. And then he talks to me about his difficult childhood, like he thinks he's the messed up one," she snorted. "It was fun to encourage him at the beginning, but it stopped amusing me long ago. I'm even kind of sorry now for leading him on." She spoke her mind without thinking twice. This only happened in one person's presence. She looked over at him and noticed that the tips of his ears were dark pink, and his face under the dark shadow of his cap showed a strange emotion, one she didn't know where to place. She sighed: "Still, I'm not sure I even fall under the frat regs anymore. I'm a Spectre, right? Plus, we just stole the ship and ignored our orders, so I'm not even sure I'm still a Spectre."

"Yeah, but you're still an Alliance officer, I don't think we broke any of Alliance regs today, or did we?" Joker said quietly, leaving her rant about Alenko without comment.

"Well, no, but we're not in the Alliance chain of command right now, we're on loan to the Council, we're registered as the Council's employees, we receive their funding additional to our Alliance pay, so technically speaking, I'm acting as a Council official, not as an Alliance officer. You know what sucks about being the first human Spectre? No one has done this before. There are no rules. No one can tell me which regs apply to me, to us, and which don't. I have to wing it. I suppose if I stop being a Spectre, I'll return to my usual Alliance chain of command, but as far as I know the only way to stop being a Spectre is to royally piss off the Council. So which one am I now? A Spectre or Alliance? Because I sure can't be a servant to two masters."

"In our particular situation it probably depends on whether you even want to be Alliance or not," he said quietly and noncommittally. "The rules sure did get blurry."

Jo looked over, thinking about his words.

"I know I should have other things on my mind, really. I mean, just yesterday I had a conversation with a fucking Reaper. But still… the more I think about the Alliance, the more I become convinced that an organisation as big as this one can't possibly be as pristine as it presents itself. Isn't it all a little too clean, too good, too convenient?"

"You sound like you have more beef with the Alliance than with the Council or with Saren."

"You know, when I joined the Alliance, it wasn't just to escape Earth. I did believe in the cause. Protect humanity, protect our home planet, advance our interests in the galaxy. It just hurts to realise along the way that the organisation that gave me so much is little more than a front for the same kind of schemes, deals, crimes and pain that I tried to escape when I joined it. Saren is indoctrinated, he can't help it. Other races can be worked on. But Alliance – that is personal. You said it yourself: I'm always uncompromisingly honest. I've got nothing to hide. Whatever I do, I do for the greater good of the galaxy. I've been doing it in the name of the Alliance for many years. How come the Alliance can't be just as uncompromisingly honest?"

"Profit, Shepard. You may not need or want power, money and luxury. You're a masochistic altruist. But that makes you one in a million. Most people want to make profit and they're the ones running the world."

"Can you imagine a world where people like me ran everything?" She asked him with a cheeky sparkle in her eye.

"That's a world I'd like to live in."

"Thank you," she reached out to brush her fingers over his biceps. "That is the greatest compliment a person can be given."

Jo felt her heart sing. She had forgotten all about Alenko, and Joker never seemed quite so brisk and harsh when they were alone, he even graced her with a serious conversation. That honour seemed to be reserved for her alone.

* * *

Joker busied his hands with the screen hurriedly. The gentle touch of her hand on his arm burned him through the shirt right to his skin. She did that often, touch him. Granted, she was touching other people, too, but to him it was not the standard state of things. It was the normality of it, the casual gentleness that disturbed him the most. For years now the only people to touch him were either his family, or doctors, or an occasional hooker. He firmly stayed away from any kind of manly bonding between soldiers. But Shepard didn't seem to care. Oh, she knew all about his dislike for people. And yet here she was. She was working her way under his skin, he could tell, and he was angry about it. If she found Alenko's advances so ridiculous, then why was she doing so much to affect him? Why would she come here and tell him how outrageous Alenko's attention to her was? To make sure he wouldn't get the same idea? To remind him of his place? To kill in the root any interest he might have had in her? And why would she touch him all the time, then? Why bare her soul to him, why allow him to spy on her through cameras or her earpiece all the time? She was so damn confusing! Joker knew that most people, once they learned that he was a cripple, stopped seeing him as a man, but rather as a genderless being. He could tell that Shepard didn't think him pathetic because of his disability, but he was wrecking his brain trying to figure out right now how she saw him: a genderless buddy or a man.

He was absolutely terrified of the answer, if he were ever to get lucky enough to get one. The first case would crush him, because… The second case would destroy him even more, because… In both cases his mind drew a veil over any reason he could come up with. It just stopped working. He couldn't think. A part of him shut down the thought process to keep him from forming the thoughts that would tear him apart. It was better to not think about it.

But he couldn't lie to himself about one thing: he had grown to cherish the nights when she would come up here and sit with him for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes in silence. In those cases he would message the relief pilot to stay away and stretched those evenings as long as he possibly could.

It always seemed surreal in the morning. Especially with Alenko sitting in the same seat that she was curled up in right now. A thought darkened his mind: Alenko's scent was probably still all over this chair, and she was snuggled in it like a teenage girl.

Okay, first of all – Lieutenant Commander Spectre Shepard curled up like a teenage girl? Something was freakishly disturbing about that phrase. Second: she said she'd sent Alenko away, so it was probably safe to say she wasn't coming here for his cologne.

Joker couldn't say why. Almost every other female creature on the ship got the giggles when the handsome, dark-haired Lieutenant came by, even Doctor Chakwas. Everyone except maybe Liara, who was too infatuated with Shepard. But technically, Liara was not female.

"A credit for your thoughts?" Shepard spoke up from her place and he realised that he had fallen silent for too long. He blurted out the last thing on his mind, almost hoping to startle Shepard with it:

"Liara is not even female."

To his surprise, Shepard only shrugged a little:  
"True."

"Your turn now. What are you thinking about?"

She laughed:

"Honestly, I was thinking that this chair kind of stinks like Alenko's cologne."

Now Joker really turned to her to see her face. Her nose was crunched.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

"No, it's a bit too heavy. Whenever I meet him in the morning before coffee, my stomach turns. Geez, Joker, I'm telling you the most unprofessional, inappropriate things today. Please don't tell anyone. Please. I just can't seem to be able to stop myself from speaking my mind when I'm with you."

That struck an unexpectedly pleasant chord in his chest as Joker returned to his screens:

"Don't worry, Commander, your secret's safe with me. You know very well that I keep no friends to share gossip with anyway."

"You let me stay here, so you don't hate absolutely everybody," she pointed out.

"Well, that's the sacrifice I have to make, but I'm paying that price to keep this job. The pay's good and I get to hone my skill to perfection, even though my Commander is a merciless bitch who keeps breathing down my neck," he stabbed at her, knowing that she would get him. She always, always got him. This time was no different. She got up from the chair and patted his shoulder once more:

"Yeah, it's a terrible sacrifice. I really feel for you. Thanks for the company, Joker. I'm off now, and you should get some rest as well."

"Yeah, I will. Commander."

She turned to walk away, and Joker turned his seat with a practiced move, just so that he could see her. The view was tantalizing. She looked smoking hot when she came in from a mission, in armour, with guns, covered in blood, dirt, oil. When she wore her free time clothes, her ass became… not even more perfect, it couldn't possibly be any more perfect. It became alive, he could see it move under her clothes with each step, those firm but also soft cheeks rolling gently from side to side as she walked, taunting him with the fantasy of the spot where they met her legs…

Damn, he was once more lusting after his commanding officer. He'd sworn to himself before to stop it and he did so again, desperately trying to ignore the throb of his heart and his penis, telling himself that a nice view and a few innocent fantasies were all this was all about. It had to be.

* * *

Jo could always feel someone's attention on her. Usually it was a feeling she pushed out of her mind. When there was a crowd, someone was always looking somewhere, and she felt dozens of eyes brushing her. But with fewer people around this instinct even helped her to find hidden cameras. She could feel being watched even by them.

If she could feel a camera on herself, Joker seriously had no idea what she felt every time she was walking from the cockpit to the CIC. In the first weeks of their mission it was just like every other guy's glance on her. Almost every male on the ship looked at her ass because they all thought she didn't know. She had never been comfortable with it, but she tried hard not to care, or at least not to show anyone that she cared. Then she just stopped thinking about it. Today his glance scorched her. Her mouth became dry and her insides fluttered all the way to the CIC exit, where the door finally obscured her butt from the burning glance.

She liked it. That one glance. As she stepped down a few steps, she had to pause, lean against the wall and take a few deep breaths. She'd never liked male attention on her body – and her body was really unhelpful in this regard, being so pretty. She always felt the need to fight it. When Alenko pulled her against him for a full body check this afternoon, she felt like she had to fight it. But Joker… The reason for her suddenly speeding heartbeat was the realisation that against everything she'd been through in her life, she welcomed his hot, desiring glance on her. For whatever mysterious reason, his look didn't make her want to run and hide, on the contrary. It made her want to strip her clothes and let him look at her as much as he wanted. Look deeper. Look everywhere.

This would not do. This flash, this image in her mind, it desperately needed to leave. Jo took a breath and used her willpower to shoo it away. Mission. Commanding officer. Fate of the galaxy.

It took her about a minute to collect herself. Thankfully, no one was walking the stairs at this time of the evening. She quickly proceeded to her cabin and locked the door, hoping to leave all the inappropriate thoughts outside.

Next day started with a proud moment when she put her and her team's life in Joker's hands and he dropped them off onto a twenty meters landing patch between some walls and rocks just as safely as he promised. Then, as she stood surrounded by Prothean life pods, deactivated a long time ago, her entire world was jerked out from under her feet. For the first time since she touched the Prothean beacon she was getting some real information, real perspective from the last survivor of the previous cycle, Vigil. Her head spun, to say the least. The whole civilisation she knew, species, planets, cultures, days, years, centuries of working, suffering, surviving, fighting – it was all just another little experiment under someone's microscope? Next cycle. That was all she and her entire world had ever been. Next cycle. Vigil just expanded her horizon far beyond the galaxy and far beyond all comprehension of time and space. If her little human brain could get perspective on the big picture, then this was big. Far bigger than anything this galaxy could ever imagine. A whole cycle had given their lives so that she could stand here, probably moments before Saren opened the Citadel relay and ushered in the next wave of genocide. A whole cycle had laid down their lives so that she had this one chance to stop it.

Several months back, when she woke up after touching the Prothean beacon, she had felt different, but couldn't say in what way. She'd instinctively felt that a storm was coming and she was smack in the middle of it. Waiting was over today. Hoping she was wrong was futile. This was it, and her role in it was the biggest question. Was she, her team, her ship, just another speck of dust in the wind of time that would sweep away another cycle, one of millions? Or did the Protheans take their fate in the spirit of true, _true_ sacrifice?

Jo had wondered: why her? And yet she had to admit she was glad it was her. What did Joker call her? A masochistic altruist. Uncompromising. Liara also kept telling her that anyone with weaker mind and lesser personality wouldn't have survived a contact with the beacon in the first place. Yes, Jo staggered right now, feeling the magnitude of what was becoming her destiny. She staggered under the weight of the galaxy, her own cycle and every cycle before. She felt the dying gasps of countless lives, crying out without any hope. But she was glad it was her standing here right now and not someone who couldn't handle this. Whatever chance the Protheans had given them, Jo knew that she had the power of mind, power of body and power of personality to make the difference. She'd been fighting for peaceful cooperation all these years and realised now that her deepest belief was the only means of this galaxy's survival. She changed in that moment, when she accepted her task and duty. She would do whatever it took to stop the annihilation.

She looked around at the life pods. In each of them lay a dead testimony to the greatest sacrifice in the galactic history, across all cycles. Every living being in the world owed these people their existence right now without knowing it. Ilos, this facility, changed Jo forever. She gripped her rifle tighter, took a deep breath and promised to herself and to these dead people to not let their sacrifice go to waste.

Her instinct and decades of battle experience spoke up in her with a careful voice: every victory has a price, if a victory is even possible in this case.

I'll pay the price, Johanna vowed.


	11. A journey's end

Ilos stayed millions of light years behind in just one second. With Garrus and Tali at her side Jo drove the mako to the relay and landed them on the Citadel. Suddenly being so far from her ship felt wrong, but she had to hope they would be victorious and reunite within the day.

Saren didn't disappoint. She met him at the console in the Council Chamber. As she spoke to him, she realised his resolve was cracking and she took the opportunity. But…

The image would stay branded into her memory forever. The way he said "Thank you, Shepard" and blew his own brains out. He found his peace, but she… To all the monstrous things she'd done in her life she could now add talking a man into suicide. Just convincing him. Somehow she felt that made her a bigger monster than those she usually hunted.

It was a victory, but it didn't feel quite as good as it should have. At the end of the day Saren turned out to be just another indoctrinated puppet for Sovereign. Were he not indoctrinated, he might not even be so obnoxious. She couldn't hate him now, and couldn't find any satisfaction in his death. The only consolation was that he'd been in charge of his own fate in the end, not a puppet.

However, her solemn mood turned into blind rage the moment Hackett demanded that she make the decision: save the Council or kill the Council. Well, technically Joker was the one asking the question, but Hackett commanded the fleet she was about to throw into battle at her whim.

"GAWD!" she stomped her foot. Garrus and Tali tried to give advice, but she didn't need it.

"Guys, I know what to do. I'm just extremely angry that Hackett made it my choice! Why am I the one to choose? I don't have that kind of authority. I don't command the human fleet. Hackett does. Actually, Joker, patch me through to Hackett's flagship."

"Aye."

"Shepard?" Hackett sounded impatient. "What's it to be?"

"Hackett, I will open the relays now so you can jump in and _save the Destiny Ascension_, but before I do that, you and I will pause to recognise this moment. You, the Alliance Admiral of the Fifth Fleet, just surrendered your authority to me and acknowledged my command over yours. That about right?"

"Shepard, this is not the time…"

"How dare you!" she snapped. Her insides were burning already at the knowledge of what was about to happen to that fleet. Yet the choice felt right. "How dare you make me choose for you! You command the ships, but you don't want to take the responsibility. Don't think I'm so stupid that I won't recognise what this is about. You want a scapegoat for later to blame all the losses on if this doesn't work out for us. I have witnesses and this conversation is being recorded. You surrendered your command to me, actively putting me above you in the Alliance chain of command. By following my order you will acknowledge this status."

"Don't be melodramatic."

"I'm Commander fucking Shepard, I don't even know what _melodramatic_ is, Hackett. I'm deadly serious. I'm the one who will send you, your people and my own ship into death in a moment. I need you to know that the magnitude of this moment is not lost on me. Now, opening the relays. Save the Council by any means necessary."

"Are you sure this is wise?" Garrus asked her.

"What? Saving the Council?"

"No, talking to your superior like that."

"Here's the fleet," she pointed at the screens. "He acknowledged that I'm his superior now. Hackett and all the admirals need to learn as soon as possible that I'm not a pawn to move around on a chess board. I'm not their puppet that they can make dance to their liking. They want to blame whatever happens out there on me, on my command – I'll take that responsibility. I accept it. But the admirals need to know that I'm keeping a score of all the favours I ever did for them. This is a big one."

"Now you're being melodramatic," Hackett spoke up again, apparently still connected. Jo shrugged:

"One day I'll cash in the chips, Hackett. One day I'll demand what I'm due for all the shit I'm taking for you. Happy hunting."

She disconnected and her team stepped closer.

"Look, Shepard, I'm not an expert in politics, but you just made this Hackett and the entire Alliance brass aware of your importance. People will consider you dangerous," Garrus spoke gently. Tali nodded:

"People don't like dangerous things. They will try to eliminate you if you become too dangerous for them."

"I know," Jo nodded. "If that's my fate, I accept it. I'm a straight up puncher and I have to be true to that. Whatever I feel or think, I say so straight forward. That's the only game I'll play, and however it ends, at least it was _my_ game and I played it on _my_ terms."

It was over. The Council was saved, Saren's husk was dead, Sovereign blew to pieces over their heads and slowly silence was returning to the world. Jo knew she had shrapnel from Sovereign sticking in the back of her thigh, above her knee, but she didn't feel it. She climbed up the debris to find her team, she needed to see them. Garrus and Tali were being treated for injuries, while Anderson and other soldiers were looking through the big pile of what was left from the Council Chamber. When they saw her and she saw them all, it was one of the most orgasmic moments of her life. They'd won. They'd won!

After that everything was a little blurry and hazy and she was being carted off to the hospital to remove the shrapnel, treat her burns and other wounds. Garrus was right there next to her, grinning at her as they set his dislocated shoulder and treated his bullet wounds.

"We did it," she whispered to him in a buzz that wouldn't let her go under, even though the nurse gave her a double dose of drugs.

"Yes, Shepard, we did it!"

Apparently she'd been knocked out eventually, because the next time she awoke, she was dressed in a hospital gown and bandaged all over, in a private room. Wrex was there, pacing up and down the small space between her bed and the door.

"Ever heard of bedside manners?" she grunted at him and he flew to her side, scooping her into an embrace:

"Shepard, how long were you planning to sleep, you lazy ass?"

"If you break me any more bones right now, I'll have to sleep a lot longer!" she protested, but not too much. He wasn't crushing her, he held her carefully enough.

"I'll do you no such favours!"

"Yeah, I taught you too well how to treat humans," she grinned, patting his hump. "How are the others?"

"Fine."

That was when some of those others peaked into the room, saw her awake and streamed in to congratulate her. Liara, Kaidan, Garrus, Tali, Adams, Pressly, everyone. Well, almost everyone. Jo found herself looking over the crowd for the guy she wanted to see most, but he wasn't there. It took her a lot of talking, shaking hands, allowing pictures and giving interviews, until she finally found the dock where her ship was being repaired. She entered through the airlock and looked to her left. All was right then in the world: his hat was visible from behind the seat.

"Joker," she came up to him. He wasn't doing anything much, just watching his console. Which was useless, since the ship was dry-docked. Instead of stopping right behind him, as usual, Jo stepped in front of him and leaned her butt against his console.

"Shepard, how are you feeling?" he asked her then with a small smile. She leaned over and took his hands in hers.

"Good. I'm good. You want that gold medal now?"

"It's still not worth listening to politicians giving speeches. But you got to admit, I was pretty heroic."

"Yes, you were. You were magnificent. You're my hero. I had to fight off the whole crew, hospital staff and a bunch of reporters to come here and tell you that. Why didn't you visit me?"

"I don't do well in crowds, or did you forget? Besides, good things come to those who wait."

She still held his hands.

"I'm a good thing, then?"

"Undisputable."

"You know, you've been working your way up from self-proclaimed best pilot to the real thing since I met you, but after this battle you are officially Shepard-proclaimed best pilot in the world."

"I'm sure there is an insult hidden somewhere in that compliment, Shepard, but I'll take it." He gently pressed her hands with his, looking her straight in the eyes. She saw a kind of green sparkle in them that she never noticed when he was hiding his face under his cap. She should have looked straight in his face more often, she thought. He was beautiful.

* * *

Joker's heart was pounding. His Commander stood in front of him, or rather sat on his console, their knees touching, she held his hands like she never planned to let them go, and she looked at him with such a beautiful smile on her face that his head spun. Somewhere behind him the airlock opened, letting in all the crew that she'd ditched on the Citadel, and Joker thought she would step away, let him go, cough awkwardly, hurry to separate from him before others would see. She did no such thing. She kept looking at him, leaned down and pressed her lips against his knuckles. His brain froze.

"We're celebrating at the Flux tonight and I expect you to be there," she whispered.

"Sure, Commander," he whispered back without thinking. Only then did she softly let go of him and turned her gaze to the others, who joined them in the cockpit. All of them stood around him, congratulating each other, patting his shoulder, remarking on his flying, discussing the battle, the coming celebration, sharing the buzz. Joker normally avoided people, but not right now. He'd never felt so good in a crowd.

Flux was packed that night, being one of the few places that escaped destruction. All the other people in the club made some space for the most famous crew after yesterday's battle. Joker took a seat quickly, getting out of the way, and took in his surroundings. Turians, salarians, asari, krogan – everybody looked at humans a little differently today. The sacrifice of all those ships and lives to save the Council had raised humanity in the galactic estimation. And Shepard was now the most famous human in the world. Joker just laughed at that. Famous or not, he knew more about her than any of those people ever could. That gave him the greatest satisfaction.

A little later into the evening – all right, a lot later – people were starting to get really drunk and a big celebration dissolved into a number of smaller groups. Joker, who'd stuck to beer, personally watched Shepard drink both Garrus and Adams under the table, work her dancing magic (which cleared the dance floor around her within seconds), bump heads with Wrex in some kind of krogan drinking game, laugh at something with Chakwas and Tali and completely ignore Alenko. When she finally sat down next to him, the rest of the crew was already in some way indisposed: drunk, passed out, making out with waitresses or gone to sleep. He was the only more or less sober one.

"Hi, there," she said with a big, exhausted smile. "Not drinking much, are you?"

"Uh, yeah, Commander, I can't afford getting any wobblier on my feet," he shrugged.

"I'll carry you, if you want," she offered with a nudge to his shoulder. He gave her a cheeky look:

"You're not as drunk as you pretend to be, are you?"

"Don't tell anyone, it's my little secret," she said. "I have a really high tolerance."

"How come?"

"Don't know. Maybe because my parents were junkies and they pumped me full of some stuff before I was even born, so now I'm genetically immune to poisons?"

He blinked:

"Shepard, that's… I didn't…"

"It's the truth," she shrugged. It startled him how easily she was talking about such things. "So tell me," she turned fully to him. "From your face all night long I gather this is not exactly your idea of a good time. What would you do to celebrate?"

He paused. No one – literally no one – had ever asked him that. Parties were not really his thing. Every one of his birthdays as a kid were arranged by his mother who'd wanted him to have a chance at being normal, so they were regular parties with cakes, neighbour kids and awkward moments with his crutches. Then in flight school parties became all about the amount of alcohol people could consume and shaking their bodies in a way he couldn't. And now – now it was all about drowning their worries and sorrow. He tried to accommodate as much as he could, which wasn't much. He hadn't left this chair all night and had to keep people from stumbling over his crutches in the corner. Shepard was looking at him with interest, so for the first time ever he gave a thought to what he'd like to do. It wasn't easy.

"I… I'd go swimming," he said. It was true, too. Water was the one element where his brittle bones didn't matter and he could be on the same level with everyone. Better, actually, because he was a good swimmer.

"Skinny dipping?" Shepard grinned widely and suddenly Joker felt his cheeks turn red.

"Not with the whole crew, but, you know, on the right occasion – why not? Of course, alcohol and swimming don't do well together."

"Hey, alcohol isn't a prerequisite for a good time," she said and he looked at her almost scandalised.

"Uh-" he spread his hands, pointing at where they were, at all the drunk people and at her. "Seems to be to you, isn't it?"

"I'll tell you a secret," she leaned closer, her cheek almost brushing his. "I'm the Commander. Whatever I do has first and foremost to do with keeping my crew's morale up."

He leaned back a little to search her face for the truth.

"So… you don't really… like it here?"

"Oh, I like it just fine, it's a nice way to relieve tension and all that."

"But… what would you do to have a good time if you had a choice?" He asked her what she'd asked him before.

"I'd… I'd go see something. Like a regular tourist. Sights. Famous ruins, or something. A museum. Maybe not a regular museum, something unusual…"

"Like?"

"A gardening exhibition."

He gave her a look.

"A gardening exhibition? Commander Shepard – at a gardening exhibition. I don't know what to say."

"Hey, if I hadn't become a ruthless murderer, I could have been a great gardener!" She nudged his shoulder again with something like nervousness and he realised that by telling him this she had probably opened her soul to him more than ever before.

"Tell you what," he said, patting her hands. "I'll help you save the galaxy from the Reapers and when it's over, you'll show me what kind of garden you'd plant."

"Deal." She looked around and sighed: "Back to commanding. I need to make sure these guys all get home safely."

"I'm guessing you're on your own with Wrex," he pointed at the corner where their favourite krogan fell asleep with a bottle of ryncol in his hand.

"Imagine how much it'll wound his pride tomorrow when I tell him how one little blond girl carried him all the way to his sleeping pod," Shepard got up with a tired sigh. He watched her move around, gently getting people to move back to the Normandy and help their mates, he watched her call cabs for those who couldn't move, arrange them gently, almost lovingly. She was a great Commander. She whipped them into obedience like a slave driver in battle, but took care of them like a mother when they relaxed. Except… who was taking care of her when she relaxed? If what she said earlier about acting primarily for the sake of the crew's morale was true, Joker realised that Shepard probably never allowed herself to relax. Well, except around him.

* * *

Next morning Jo was out of her bandages, receiving the Council's gratitude.

"I acted the way my conscience dictated. There is nothing heroic about that. If you really want to reward me, then take care of the families of those soldiers lost in battle."

"That is being done without your reminder, Shepard," the turian said, but today there was no venom in his voice. The Councillors expressed their shared grief over the human losses in the battle and pointed out that such sacrifice earned humanity a seat on the Council. Udina was about to step in and take Jo's victory for himself again, but this time the Council spoke to her directly and asked for her personal opinion. Jo suggested Anderson as the first human Councillor, a man of honour, valour, integrity, without political ambition and with a fresh eye on the situation.

"I think it's an inspired choice. The Council will welcome him with open arms, should he accept," the asari said. Anderson accepted, thank heavens. Jo couldn't even imagine what would happen if Udina got the spot.

"Sovereign was only a vanguard," she said. "Hundreds, maybe thousands more are on their way. We need to prepare. Do something about them."

"Commander, you earned the right to choose your own assignments, so if you wish to make this your priority, you are free to do so."

"Can I count on the Council's support in this matter?"

"As much as we can give, considering the extent of destruction Sovereign brought, and depending on the proof you bring."

"I understand." Her heart fell. Of course. They still didn't believe her about the Reapers. She did understand what they were trying to tell her. They would keep her as a Spectre, but they would not believe her crazy ideas about some ancient machine race that was about to kill them all. Apparently, humanity hadn't risen quite that far up just yet.

She would have to fight two wars at once, it seemed. One against the Reapers, the other one against her own people, trying to convince them to join her. The whole world against Johanna Shepard? The odds seemed more than impossible, chance of success laughably low. Resources nonexistent. A perfect job for the N7 Lieutenant Commander Shepard?

After the Council meeting she met Udina, Hackett and Anderson at the embassies. Finally, the four of them together in a room.

"Want to talk about what happened up there?" She asked Hackett. She had to give him real credit here: his game face was impeccable, he didn't even frown.

"There is nothing to talk about. We won, that is all that matters."

"Oh, no. You made me make a decision that was yours to make. As I told you, by following my command to save the Council you placed my authority over your own in the Alliance chain of command."

"As a Spectre you do have a lot of authority," Udina cut in. "You acted as a Spectre and the human fleet followed your recommendation in battle, acknowledging your superior understanding of the enemy forces."

"Oh, _now_ you find it convenient to see me as a Spectre rather than a human Alliance officer?"

"Commander, what is your point?" Hackett sounded gruff.

"Just help me understand the order of things," she demanded. "From the second I became a Spectre you all kept reminding me that I'm still human. I still have no idea why such a reminder would be necessary other than to guilt me into doing you favours when it's not my duty anymore. How does it work? Who do I answer to? Who answers to me? I can't do my job if I don't know the system I'm working within."

"You're a Spectre, but first and foremost you're an Alliance officer, Shepard."

"Yeah, see, that doesn't work for me. I can't bow to two masters at once. Make a choice right here and now: am I a Spectre or do you want me back in the Alliance?"

The three men exchanged glances. Now that humanity was on the Council Jo knew they didn't need her so much as a Spectre anymore. Plus, as Garrus said, she'd made them aware of her importance and they certainly didn't want her out of line. Would they call her back to the Alliance to smack her back in her place?

"You're a Spectre now and as long as you are such, you are not a part of the Alliance command, you don't answer to us," Hackett said. Jo was a little surprised. Maybe she was already more important as a public figure, the face of humanity, than she realised? "If what you say is true and the Reapers are coming to destroy us all, then you have to do something about them." Of course. They would let her stay a Spectre so that the Alliance wouldn't have any connection to her crazy crusade if it turned out to be bogus, and to let her sacrifice herself for the greater good if she turned out to be right.

"Remember these words, Hackett, when you ask me for another favour," she said. Yes, she'd accept these odds. If need be, she would die protecting the galaxy, but she was Shepard. She would always go down fighting.

They continued discussing the Reaper matter, brainstorming any kind of information that could help her on her mission, but Jo could see that these three men had more important things to take care of now. Udina –his pride. Anderson –his new position as the Councillor. Hackett –his fleet. She was on her own now, truly on her own.

"So, Admiral Hackett won't be asking you for any favours anymore?" Joker sounded sarcastic when she returned to the ship. They both knew that nothing would stop the Alliance brass from demanding favours from her.

Techies were helping with the repairs on the Normandy, while everyone else was on shore leave. The CIC was empty save the two of them. Jo sat down on the divider between Joker's seat and the navigator's seat to his left.

"Yeah, when the hell freezes over," she sighed. "It's actually nice when people want something from you. Makes you feel alive, needed. But at least we've clarified this whole chain of command situation."

He gave her a long look.

"You know, you've changed in these months since we met," he said thoughtfully.

"How so?"

"I don't know how else to put it. You became the avatar of the people."

"Is that a compliment?"

"To you – yes. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes. Becoming a Spectre put me where I always wanted to be. Turns out I don't need anything more than what I have right here. I can do some good for other people now."

"So… you're saying that you have everything you've ever wanted right here and now?" He used her chattiness to pump her for information. "Like what?"

"You," she answered without missing a beat, then shifted a little, like her answer surprised her even more than it did him. She added quickly to smooth it over: "My own ship, the best crew, great friends, independence and a goal."

* * *

Joker didn't really hear her last words, trying to calm down the hurricane of emotions that rose at her first word. Him. How could she say something like that? And yet he knew better than anyone that Johanna Shepard was above such cruel jokes. Either she'd just said something he couldn't bear to hear, or he was misunderstanding something very simple. Of course, that must be it! He was the best pilot in the world, she said so herself just yesterday, so who else would she want at her helm? That was what her words meant, he could convince himself of that after a while.

* * *

From then on it felt like some chapter in their lives ended. Garrus came to her a week later and told her he'd been offered a Spectre training position. She congratulated him and gave him her blessings. When she watched him leave with his bag, she thought with sweet pain in her heart that it was his greatness that was taking him away from her.

Tali came to her soon after to tell her that she needed to return to the Migrant Fleet to complete her Pilgrimage. Jo felt the same about the young quarian leaving as she felt about Garrus. Then Wrex came and said he had some business on his home planet. She sent him on his way with her blessings and with sadness in her heart. She'd found these people, she'd made sure to keep them because they felt like a family, and now the birdies were leaving the nest, leaving her alone. Well, Liara stayed so far. Despite all the confusion about her crush on Jo it was good news that she stayed.

It took almost a month for the ship to be repaired. In that time Jo kept reading reports by other captains, anything that might give her a hint at the Reapers or their plans. Anything that could help her stop them. There was nothing. No wonder nobody wanted to believe her. The galaxy seemed to be in perfect balance. Yes, the Council heeded her request and sent someone to Ilos to interview Vigil, but so far there were no news from that ship. There was one thing Vigil was wrong about, though. In order to defeat the Reapers Jo needed to understand them first. Knowing your enemy was the first requirement in any war. Maybe there was a chance to avoid massacre if an understanding could be reached. Sure, Sovereign had sounded menacing when they spoke on Virmire, but hey, some organics were evil, too, but not all of them. First and foremost Jo needed to know why this was happening. Why kill cycle after cycle? What kind of agenda were they following? But so far there was nothing. When the Normandy was repaired, she gathered the crew and gave the order to go to the Terminus Systems. Officially she would be hunting the remaining geth. Unofficially… The Terminus Systems were still more or less an uncharted territory. If there were clues to find, that would be the place.


	12. Impossible to forget

_You are Madonna, you're Lady Divine_

_You are part Mother Theresa and a Valentine_

_Some man's pariah and a slippery slope_

_But to me you are the fire and I fly to my hope_

_(Jude: Madonna)_

Fourth day in the Terminus Systems and still no new intel on those disappearing ships. Jo wasn't frustrated, like most of the crew seemed to be. In fact, she enjoyed the quiet, for once. There was hardly anything of the usual "do the impossible" about it. Sure, she was only officially here to investigate the disappearing ships, her true mission was to find out more about the Reapers, but she felt light in her heart. She smiled quietly to herself as she stepped out of the elevator, Joker's voice rattling off the usual tech stuff in her earpiece. But her instincts were warning her that things wouldn't stay quiet and simple forever. That was why the message about a foreign cruiser following them rang all the alarm bells in her guts. Jo startled towards her locker for her armour, when Joker's warning in the loudspeakers gripped her heart tight:

"It's not the geth. Brace for evasive manoeuvres!"

Jo gripped a doorframe tight and planted her feet on the ground when her pilot threw the ship into a side roll. Damn, he was good.

But not that good. A terrible rumble threw her to her knees. Alarms rang all over the ship. They'd been hit, and hit hard. The hull was definitely breached at several points. Air was leaving the ship and she heard people screaming, shouting, doors shutting, cables bursting and showering everything and everyone in deadly sparks. Jo hauled herself towards the locker and put her armour on.

People were dying. She set up a distress beacon and started helping the crew into the escape pods, when Alenko told her that Joker was still in the cockpit. Cursing under her breath she sent the Lieutenant into one of the pods and made her way towards the CIC. The world became surreal. Alarms were still yelling at her from all sides. Fire roared, singed her armour, blocked her way. The ship trembled in its last convulsions all around her. Taking its last dying breath.

"Mayday! Mayday!" Joker's voice lured her like another beacon. Suddenly the finality of what was happening struck her. There was no roof over the CIC. Just deep space. Furniture floated. Corpses bumped into objects. And everything was eerily quiet. Deadly quiet.

Far ahead, what seemed like a world away, she saw an energy wall keeping the atmosphere in the cockpit. Slowly, pushing floating stuff out of her way, she made her way to the wall.

He was still working. He was still pushing buttons, trying, trying so hard… Had she only been that kind of person, Jo would have started crying.

"Come on, Joker, we have to get out of here."

"No, I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!"

"She is lost. It won't help anyone if we die along with her. Come on."

"No, we just have to… Oh no! They're coming round for another attack!"

Jo turned around just in time to see a beam cut right through her ship. It severed off the entire engine section, she could see that through the hole in the ceiling. Damnit.

Survival instincts shut down all thoughts and emotions. Focus on one thing, just one thing.

She grabbed Joker's arm and pulled him out of his seat. Not as gently as he would have preferred, no doubt, but he'd be grateful later, also no doubt.

"Ow, watch the arm!" He still had time and breath to complain. Jo considered lifting him and carrying him over her shoulder altogether. It wasn't hard out in the open space. But Joker already found his feet and began moving alongside her. His arm around her shoulder and his body against her, she could feel the touch even through her armour. Strangely, it gave her comfort even in this situation.

She hauled him into the last remaining shuttle, when another beam hit. Jo looked back to see bits and pieces of what had been her home for such a long time get ripped into open space. Another jolt threw her backwards and a sudden realisation hit her: she wasn't going to make it back to the shuttle.

"Commander!" Joker shouted in panic. Only her long training gave her the strength and the agility to grab a metal pole and hold on to it for a second longer. Joker's voice. Would it be the last human voice she would hear in her life? He was reaching out for her out of the last remaining shuttle.

All went quiet in her head. That escape pod needed to leave, but Joker was not going to leave without her. She needed to make him. Luckily, she was holding on to the same side of the door that held the console. Jo hit the button. Save the crew. Save Joker. No matter what.

"Shepard!"

The door closed and the pod left.

One last word, her name that he'd shouted after her. The last thing she would ever hear. The word hit her like a blow. There was so much in it, she realised. One last word filled with pure, desperate and true love. He loved her. She didn't need any other love confession to know that. He loved her.

This discovery set something free in her. Some hidden truth, the writing on the wall she'd been too stupid to read until now. She was in love with him, too. She was in love from the very moment when he snapped at her that he wasn't good, wasn't great, he was the best damn helmsman in the entire Alliance fleet. He'd woken the one thing in her she didn't have before meeting him. Her heart. There was no lying in the face of death: she was in love with him. A small, bitter-sweet regret jabbed her heart: they could have been so great together. Could have done so much together. But now… No, it was all right. In the face of death she could honestly say that she wouldn't have done anything differently. She could only hope that her love would be with him like a guardian angel for the rest of his life, whatever he chose to do with it.

The SSV Normandy was no more. All around her Jo saw burning and crashing parts of her life, being torn to pieces. All was gone. Her career, her life, her resources, the Prothean warning, the mission, everything except the survivors of the crew, drifting out there in the escape pods.

Was someone watching her? Seeing her?

She was being spaced. She had no illusions about that. She still had some time, but at this distance to the planet's surface she'd probably burn up in the atmosphere like a meteor. Survival instincts told her to fight, to run, do something, but the old warrior inside her heart just took a deep breath and relaxed.

They made it out. Joker made it out. They were going to be fine. It was time to say good bye to her family, friends and her love.

Suddenly Jo realised that her air was leaving her armour rapidly. Some piece of metal must have fractured the hoses. She had no more time! Still, she tried to reach back and plug in those hoses again, but it was much too late.

She had seconds to live. She was going to lose consciousness much sooner. And the only thought that crossed her mind, the thought that stretched for the entire twenty three seconds of her remaining life, was: what an amazing, astounding, unreal sunrise this is.

* * *

What did just happen?

Shock numbed all of Joker's body as he stared at the closed door. What did just happen? Did she just… She couldn't be... This was Commander fucking Shepard here, she could do the impossible. She always did the impossible. She could survive anything. Next thing he'd know she'll be grinning at him in victory, joking about being invincible.

Johanna Victoria Shepard. He was pretty sure nobody on the Normandy knew her middle name. Please, he begged any deity that would listen right now. Please, let her win this time. Let her be victorious. This can not be the end.

Logic was telling him something that he violently refused to accept. No. This could not be the end.

He didn't know how long he was in the pod, alone, uncertain of anything that happened to his ship and his Commander after his pod had launched. Then a turian merchant ship answered the distress call. When the door opened and he stepped out onto the loading platform in the unfamiliar cargo bay, he looked over the crowd. Twenty people made it. She had to be here among them. She couldn't have died. He refused to even think that.

Someone asked him if he was all right, but he was still looking for her. Dr. Chakwas was there, Alenko, but he couldn't see Shepard.

"What happened?" Alenko was suddenly in his face. "Where is she?"

"She's not here?" Joker asked back, when the fact hit him in the stomach: his had been the last escape pod and she was not in it.

She'd been spaced.

"No. No, no, she has to be alive, has to be out there!"

He grabbed the first turian and demanded to see the captain of this vessel. The captain wasn't far, personally observing the rescue.

"We need to find her!" Joker shouted at the turian.

"Who?"

"Commander Shepard! She's still out there, we need to search the debris and find her!"

The turian looked at him with genuine sorrow.

"There is nothing left. I'm sorry."

"No. It can't be. She's alive, she needs us."

"All the debris has been pulled into the atmosphere and burned up. Only the large metal parts made it to the surface. My scanners show no life signs anywhere. I'm sorry."

"No." Joker shook his head stubbornly. "No. She's not dead. She's NOT DEAD!"

But something deep inside him told him that it was true. His heart knew. She was gone.

Everything was hazed after that. Alenko's hands shaking him. Several men trying to separate them. His lifeless limbs hitting the metal floor when the tragedy left him no strength to stand. Breaking bones. Many broken bones. Even more broken bones when Alenko launched at him again and landed a punch. Joker didn't feel any of that. The crude med bay of a merchant vessel. Chakwas' teary eyes as she worked on him. More people. Transfer to another ship, Alliance this time. Faces. Questions. Citadel, a hospital, Anderson, Garrus. Questions. Questions. More questions. He didn't hear them, didn't see them.

He was consumed by agony. Pain that no broken bone could cause. Pain beyond anything humanly possible to bear. A broken heart and suffocating guilt.

It's been sixteen days, they said. Sixteen days, four hours and eleven minutes, he corrected them in his mind. They were worried about him. All this time he remained silent, unmoving in a hospital bed. His bones were almost mended already and through the fog in his mind he heard Chakwas and Anderson trying to coax some kind of reaction from him. He needed to move, get his body to work again, they said. He saw no reason to.

**19d, 17h, 31m.** Nurses put him in a wheelchair and let some Alliance soldiers cart him somewhere. A room. A Council official. Questions. Why would he care?

**25d, 1h, 17m.** Garrus at his side.

"You need to tell us what happened, Joker. We all loved her. You owe her that much. Do you want to hear what stories the reporters are fabricating? Or the stories the Council is about to release?"

Garrus told him the Council released a statement that the Normandy had been destroyed by a geth ship. No, wait a moment. That sparked Joker's interest. That was a lie.

**26d, 5h, 40m. **

"Tell us what happened, Mr. Moreau."

He told them. Everything.

"You did not recognise the ship's profile?"

"No, it was nothing anyone has seen before."

"Must have been a geth ship."

"No."

"You can't know that."

"Look at it, damnit!"

"We can't," the asari Councillor at least sounded respectful. "All the memory banks were destroyed along with the rest of the ship. There is no backup. We can't find anything, any proof of what happened. We have to assume a geth attack."

**48d, 18h, 3m.** His bones were healed. Again. He'd broken a few when the Council refused to believe him that the attackers weren't geth and declared the matter closed. He'd yelled at them and banged his fist on a table, probably even kicked something or someone. They couldn't do that. Close the case like that.

Her body was never found.

"Mr. Moreau, please understand that I can not clear you for duty if you refuse to talk to me."

A shrink. Just what he needed. How could he tell her what was going on? Her sugar-sweet fake compassionate face made him want to hurt her. Really hurt her. Did she even know what pure agony felt like? Every night he would see it happen again and again. He would reach out for her, save her, and wake up in tears. Every day he would imagine how the door would open and she would march in with a grin and tell him to stop slacking and get to his station. Every night he saw it again and again. And every day his heart broke again and again, the bitter realisation filling him like acid. She was dead. Gone.

The vids were running stories on her. Some were good. Some poured more dirt on her. Most declared her ideas about Reapers ridiculous, claiming she was barely more than an eccentric psychopath.

**69d.** He had been grounded. It had made him angry for exactly as long as it had taken him to get into a cab. He'd never used autopilot. This time he wanted to fly like he always did, but his hands wouldn't obey him. They shook violently in panic when he even as much as looked at the console. He couldn't fly anymore. He was done. Dead and gone. He was no pilot anymore, he would never fly again, his own hands wouldn't let him even if he wanted to. He didn't want to. Losing the fastest ship in the galaxy and his Commander, the first human Spectre, Commander Shepard, was not something a pilot could or should ever be forgiven for. Best pilot in the Alliance fleet? Pathetic. She'd been so wrong about him when she declared him the best pilot in the world. He couldn't save either her or the ship. Some pilot. He didn't deserve to even look at ships any longer.

**102d, 13h, 56m.** He'd left the Alliance. Handed in his resignation and was discharged. They had no use for a pilot who couldn't fly, so they let him go easily. He had no more ties to anything or anyone in the whole world.

His mother left food on the table for him. Chakwas insisted he went to visit his mother, and she basically carted him here. His mum's new house meant nothing to him. Her presence couldn't ease the agony. Nothing could stop the singeing tears that ran down his face every nightmare filled night.

**211d, 7h, 9m.** He'd left his mother's home after two weeks. Her worried face was too much to handle. His savings got him to a colony on Mars. The bar was filled with scumbags. The drink tasted like acid. The TV over the bar ran another review on Shepard, portraying her as a crazy, delusional woman. They dragged her name through dirt again and again, presenting 'proof' of her insanity, showing vids of events that never happened. The simulations were quite well made, too. He only knew they were fake because he'd been there and had his own footage. Footage that was now gone, like everything else.

"Yeah!" someone yelled at the TV. "The crazy bitch is dead!"

**212d, 12h, 45m.** Chakwas' face over him in the dirty hospital on Mars.

"Jeff, you should know better than to start a bar fight. You have eighteen breaks and two dozen fractures."

He felt none of them. He couldn't feel anything at all anymore except for the agony and guilt.

**364d, 5h.** The last of his savings disappeared in exchange for a bottle of ryncol.

**367d.** Hospital again. Something about pumping his stomach.

He started talking to her in his head. Sometimes he wasn't sure if he even talked out loud, because people would give him odd glances.

"Your favourite colour is grey. At least I think it is. The only civilian clothes you have are two grey shirts. You're not one for a big wardrobe."

**371d, 9h, 28m.** He ran another extranet search on her and found an online memory storage account she used to keep, paid for another few weeks. He hacked it. There were a couple of pictures of her parents: one alive, three from the morgue. Joker had never seen any pictures of Shepard's parents. They were both blond, just like she was. She had her mother's delicate facial structure, eyes, brows and chin, but she had her father's hooked nose. Also there was a song. He listened to it. Something Italian, something incredibly weird, like it was from an opera. He didn't know what it was about, but it made him weep like a baby.

**372d, 19h.** He basically had to beg for this job. He needed a few credits to prolong that account's validity, but he had nothing, so he needed a job. All a wash-out former Alliance pilot with creaky legs could get were shuttle runs between Mars and Earth. He sat in the cockpit and willed his hands to work. He was broken, damaged, but she needed him. She needed him. She was the only one who could make him overcome the trauma and fly again. She needed him, and he performed another impossible deed for her. He flew.

**400d.** Vids about her disappeared from the news long ago. He never went to the Alliance-arranged funeral. Saying goodbye to an empty coffin was beyond cruel. Seeing others was not an option. He did hack the report, though. After she was declared killed in action and no relatives had been found, her possessions would have gone to an auction, but it turned out that she owned nothing that hadn't been with her on the Normandy. Even the house on Intai'sei was still registered in Admiral Ahern's name, not hers. The Alliance got their hands on her bank account, though. Joker did a little count to find out that she left almost all her salary from the last ten years there. All her shopping had been a few drinks here and there and some personal items. She didn't need money at all. The Alliance donated that money to a Shepard Scholarship to help disadvantaged children from Earth by sending them to the Alliance. Nothing like a little self-serving there, he supposed.

**443d, 4h.** The world kept spinning. Every day, every minute he wanted to shout at these people going about their business: how can you keep living? How can the world keep spinning, when one is missing? The best one, the… only one.

Every knock on the door was her. Every gush of wind was her voice. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. He stopped watching the handful of vids he had saved of her in his private storages. The one where she let Garrus, Wrex and Liara touch her hair. One right before Ilos, as they waited impatiently in the cockpit, partners in crime. One about Finch. One about her sparring with Ash in the cargo bay. A few more of her doing mundane things that meant the world to him. Watching these vids turned him inside out.

… He lost count for a little while after her birthday, after another night of drinking landed him in the hospital again. Chakwas was there again, telling him that Shepard wouldn't want him to waste himself away like this. He was wasting her gift to him. She had had something better in mind for him when she'd saved him.

"What does it matter what she would think? She can't. She's dead. She died on me. She should have never let me defy her orders like that. She should have beaten me into obedience, should have made sure I'd leave the ship when she ordered me to. It was all her own fucking fault. She never should have…"

Tears came again and again. His dreams took him to the same day again and again, filling him with hope when he saved her, and crushing him every morning.

**491d, 3h.** Numbness was all that was left in his life. Numbness and guilt. He kept flying the shuttles despite shaking hands. He felt like a zombie. The pain never eased up. The guilt never lessened. He saw the world changing around him and felt out of touch. Alien among his own people. There was nothing in this world for him anymore. The one woman who made life worth living, constantly confronted him with moral choices, gave him philosophical questions to think about, drank like a skunk, swore like a back alley whore, wore no other colour but grey, appreciated his sense of humour and touched the deepest corners of his soul, all the while hiding the most unusual, magnificent cascade of hair in a bun and a man-killer ass under her armour, this woman was dead now. He saw no point trying anymore. Nobody could motivate him like she could. He didn't want to be motivated.

"You were supposed to be invincible," he told her in his imagination. "How could you do this to me?"

Still, he felt himself changing, too. He was becoming more sarcastic, cruel with words, harsh.

**602d, 16h, 8m.** The clock never stopped ticking. One second after another. Adding, adding, adding more moments, minutes, days, weeks, months to the life without her. The clock was a statement to his endurance. Would she say that a lesser man would have killed himself? Or was he too much of a coward to do it? The clock surely didn't bring any ease to his pain. It was as sharp now as it was the moment he realised what happened.

He was imagining what she would be like now. Saving people. Killing bad guys. Tough and beautiful. Breathtaking.

"You're irreplaceable," he told her in the nights. "Can't forget you. Can't ever get back what we had. If the Reapers arrive tomorrow, I couldn't care less. This galaxy without you in it isn't worth saving or living in. Forgive me for this weakness. I know you'd want us all to continue your fight, do whatever we can to stop the threat, but I just don't care. You burned up in a blaze of glory, and I'll enjoy watching the rest of the world burn for what they did to your memory."

**612d, 10h, 7m. **

"Mr. Moreau, my name is Miranda Lawson. I have something to show you."

**A little while later** – the clock was forgotten for now.

This was not true. Not true. Couldn't be true. Impossible.

Was it? It was Cerberus they were talking about.

All the inhumane experiments. All the facilities, evil doctors. Could this be a trap? He would have liked to talk to the one guy Joker knew would understand him best. Garrus. Unfortunately the turian was nowhere to be found. Joker had to make that choice by himself.

Shower. Sleepless night. Foggy morning.

"I need proof."

**705d, 1h, 39m.** The clock kept ticking. He would never allow himself to start a countdown simply because whatever they promised him was not happening. Not true. Couldn't be.

Still, he was recovering from a surgery now. They did something to his bones, some procedure that he was sure had cost hundreds of innocent people their lives. He could walk without crutches now. Still limping, still in need of metal leg braces, but at least he could move around and function like a human being. Almost.

**728d, 5h, 28m.** They put him through paces. Hours of training in a gym. Hours of flying simulators, then real ships. Shuttles, one-man-fighters, cruisers, anything they had available with a pilot's seat. He broke their simulator eventually and wiped the floors with their best pilots. He was, after all, Shepard-proclaimed best pilot in the world. He would do Cerberus no favour by showing them his shaking hands. He needed to get a grip on himself.

He just couldn't let himself believe she was about to come back. This had to be another dream. Waking up with hope and being crushed again would kill him for sure. They never let him see her, saying that they couldn't compromise the security of the project's station, its location, and other bullshit. But they did show him vids. Chakwas expressed a little doubt about what she was seeing there. Was this really Shepard? He didn't doubt. Somehow he had absolutely no problem believing that the body was real. What he couldn't believe was the steady heartbeat, brain activity and the raising and falling chest. He would only become a true believer once he looked in her eyes again.

**740d, 13h, 41m. **Life was becoming more unbearable than before Cerberus approached him. Back then he knew she was dead and when every gush of wind made him hear her voice, he still had security in the truth that she was gone. Now… every time a door opened – he jumped. It could be her. It was possible. And it was unbearable.

Cerberus, however, was not a fun bunch. The doctors creeped him out. He had seen too many Cerberus doctors and facilities under Shepard's command to ever trust them. The pilots that "trained" him were less creepy, but they were not the people to waste his sense of humour on. Still, this was the first time in two years that he was interacting with people on regular basis without being drunk and while having a goal in mind. Their looks in his direction told him a lot. He had become harsh, hardened. He could go verbally brutal on someone like never before. He'd been sarcastic before? He was cynical now, full of venom and disdain. When – if – Shepard came back, she would find him a different man. A part of him wanted to be the same Joker she knew, but his heart knew he would never be the same. One didn't live through two years of torture to walk away the same cheerful boy. He was a new man now. Colder, harsher, disillusioned. He could tell her about reality, about how different real life was, opposed to the dream of equality and peace and cooperation that she lived in. Maybe one day he would tell her that, just to punish her for dying on him.

**742d, 19h, 8m, 11s. **

"Mr. Moreau, you will find Commander Shepard in the comm room."

* * *

AN: Thus begins the next big arc of my story. I hope you enjoyed it so far! I'll do my best to keep it enjoyable.


	13. Journey's end in lovers' meeting

There were words. They had been there for a long time, but her mind only seemed to have noticed just now. Someone was talking right next to her.

Fight!

Suddenly the lights blinded her, big bright lamps shining into her face. Johanna's heart beat harder and faster as she tried to remember, to understand the words, tried to move.

Fight!

Some woman's tits swayed into her range of vision. The skank was trying to tell Jo something. She even put her hands on Jo's skin, which caused incredible pain. The tits disappeared, instead an ass became visible. Suddenly annoyed, Jo wondered who the skank thought she was.

Fight.

There were more words but everything went blurry. Fight, fight… Her heartbeat slowed down and the lights disappeared along with the tits and the words.

She dreamed of explosions, nothing new there. And there was the voice again, saying words… Jo woke up with a startle when a new explosion shook her bed. This time the surroundings didn't blind or confuse her.

It wasn't even a bed. It was a lab table. Cold and hard. Fuckers. The world seemed a lot less confusing than the last time, but somewhere on the surface of her mind hung a huge question mark.

"I died."

She remembered. Bits and pieces of her beloved Normandy being torn off and blown into open space, the hoses of her armour breaking, the air escaping her lungs, a painfully familiar voice shouting her name with true despair, and those endless, yet short like lightning, twenty three seconds of an incredible sunrise, before the lack of air clouded her mind and the temperatures destroyed her body. She remembered all of it, every little sensation, every cell of her body dying.

She remembered more. Warm darkness, feeling free and weightless, feeling home. Feeling at peace, eternal peace.

She remembered being torn from the beloved darkness, stuffed into this meatbag called a body, and the pain. She remembered the pain of the process, remembered fighting it to go back to the darkness and peace, but she hadn't been allowed to. She'd never been so pissed at anyone in her life. But this – tearing her from heaven and back into a body that no longer fit, that was agony. A hellish kind that nobody in the world was ever supposed to feel.

She touched her face. It hurt. Everything hurt. Her whole essence, her soul hurt.

Fight!

She had to do something. Go back to her peace. Return to the darkness. Now.

"…under attack. Shepard, your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving, this facility is under attack."

That voice again, only this time with no tits attached. Jo was somewhat glad about that. This voice reminded her of the first years of her military training. Throwing soldiers out of their beds, sleepy, sore, every muscle on fire from last night's training. A mercilessly even voice. They were taught to hate that voice so much that they obeyed it, jumped out of their beds just to make it stop talking.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room, hurry," the hated voice ranted on, as Jo looked around. It was indeed a lab, computers all around her, just your usual research facility with no view, bright light and grey plastic all around, like so many Jo had seen in her life. There was the locker the voice mentioned. Jo got up and tried her legs. Surprisingly, they obeyed her without trouble. She walked.

"Grab your pistol and the armour from the locker, you don't have time to wait around, Shepard, grab your weapon and armour!"

Jo opened the locker and found the pistol. She checked it. It was some new type of weapon, needing a thermal clip. First things first – she had a weapon to kill herself. Just find munitions and she would be on her way out of this hated body and this hellish world.

"This pistol doesn't have a thermal clip," she said aloud, wondering if the voice could hear her.

"It's a med bay. Keep your head down, Shepard, shield yourself from the blast!"

Interesting, Jo thought, crouching behind a see-through barrier as an explosion shook the air above her head. The voice seemed keen on keeping her alive. How bizarre. Everything was bizarre right now.

She found the clip, she found a way to insert it. She stood there, looking down at the pistol and the whole world faded out around her. A bullet to her brain – and freedom waited for her on the other side. True freedom. A bullet to her brain – and the agony would stop. One bullet – and she would be happy.

With a hand so eager that it trembled Jo raised the pistol to her temple.

What if she didn't go back to the darkness? What if suicide didn't lead her to the same place?

Her finger on the trigger stopped. A little fear turned to a full-scale doubt. She'd died a warrior's death of sacrifice. She'd died righteously. She'd been at peace back then. Now she was full of agony and hate. Blowing her brains out wouldn't be the same.

Oh, fuck it. She would have to fight again, and find another noble death to return home to the darkness.

Everything dropped inside her. The implications broke her heart and almost broke her body. There would be fighting, walking, talking, eating, solving problems, just… living. The worst agony of them all. Living.

The pistol dropped to the floor, and Jo followed suit. She fell to her knees and screamed in tears. And screamed. And screamed. She didn't want to suffer this agony of living, but she had no choice, and that horror, despair and helplessness broke her. She screamed her lungs out and collapsed, curled up on the floor once she had nothing more inside her and sobbed. She felt nothing in her whole body, just that it shook in violent spasms as she wept. She couldn't say how long she'd lain on the floor, tears running down her face, mourning herself. A broken doll. A tortoise out of her shell. A newborn without a mother. An old warrior robbed of her peace.

And then she returned to reality. She had to, there was no other choice. She had nowhere else to go but back to reality. Explosions, bitchy voice on the intercom. Pistol. Jo shook her head, wiped away the tears and set her jaw. She closed her eyes and took one deep breath. She held it, conditioning herself to accept the idea of not dying. When she released the breath slowly, she was ready to go and fight.

Fight everyone who did this to her. Take her revenge. Put them all through the same kind of agony.

When she got up, the darkness she longed for so much shone through her eyes and surrounded her whole being. She was not a biotic and never would be, but right now she felt like she could fly on the sheer power of her fury.

She was no longer Johanna Shepard. She was a death angel.

And she would find those who did this, she would capture them and devour their insides while they were still watching. She would open their bodies with her bare hands, she would rip out their beating hearts and eat them, she would make sure they knew agony they forced upon her. Her vengeance would be slow but as inevitable as death itself, and there would be no mercy.

Never.

Jo hit the console on the door and it slid open. What happened then didn't register in her mind. She walked through the facility never bothering to take cover. What for? She didn't care if she lived or died. Her eyes saw better than ever before and her hand followed her focus like a lazer pointer, taking each mech out with two shots exactly in the middle of their stupid heads. She stopped listening to the bitch on the intercom, but she did take a look around the facility. She listened to the audio logs on the computers. She thought she'd been furious before? Fuck that.

NOW she was furious. So furious that eating the hearts of those who did this to her seemed like too merciful. They deserved a lot worse. They kept her here as an object, reconstructed her body? She'd been unconscious on their table, naked, surrounded by strangers who crawled up her every orifice and even cut her a few new ones? And all the while they worried about money?! There was no word to describe the wrath that turned her whole body and soul into a nuclear winter. She was a death angel on a righteous mission, looking for her victims. She needed to dismember someone right now. Dismember, devour, and make a piece of art from their bloody limbs.

Then she saw one. A black human insect shooting at the mechs. No, she was not going to shoot him from behind. He would know exactly what was happening to him when she skinned him alive.

"What are you doing here?" the man said, reloading. "I thought you were still work in progress!"

"I just woke up. You probably know more than I do," Jo said, coming closer to him, stretching her hands towards his throat to start dismembering him…

"Right, sorry about that. I'm Jacob Taylor. I've been stationed here for… Damnit!" he crouched deeper, as a mech's shot almost blasted his head off. He got up and killed one of the mechs. "Things must be worse than I thought if Miranda's got you running around. I'll fill you in, but we'd better get you to the shuttles first."

Miranda. Jo took cover. Miranda was good. The insect would take her to the pure cold-hearted bitch she heard about in the audio-logs. This guy was a nobody. She needed Miranda, the real necromancer on this station. It was probably the same skank who'd shoved her tits in Jo's face when she woke up the first time. Oh, the bitch was going to suffer like no one had ever suffered before. No one.

"Lead the way," she said.

Just as they'd got out of their cover, a man's voice sounded in the speakers:

"Check, check, is anyone on this frequency?"

Jo listened to the conversation. He was lying. She knew it. He was lying about something.

Wilson, whoever it was, gave Jacob directions and they headed through another door, only to be greeted by mech fire.

"Don't get pinned down. Oh God, they found me! Help!"

Jo even flinched. The last phrases were such bad acting that she knew for sure: this Wilson was bad news. Still, she and Jacob needed to move forwards, if she wanted to find Miranda.

Curiosity put Jo's fury on hold as she watched the insect crawling on the floor, begging for medigel. She even got it some to see what it would do. The insect in the shape of a man tried to convince them that it was innocent, but Jo already knew – it was the traitor controlling the mechs. And then…

"Would you trust me if I told you who we work for?"

She stopped, without looking at Jacob. He continued without her confirmation.

"Cerberus."

Jo felt a cold wave of relaxation wash over her new body. Well, now she knew who to direct her fury at. And it was a good place to do so. Her old friend, Cerberus. Those who gave her sleepless nights and nightmares beyond belief? Who else would practise necromancy? She was thankful to Jacob for giving her this information. Now she had a goal. And bringing Cerberus down would be a worthy fight to lose her life in. That would do.

She said nothing to Jacob. He wasn't worthy of a reply. He could understand nothing of what was on her mind right now. He was only human. She was no longer that. She was Death.

And then there was Miranda, and the bitch actually killed the insect before Jo could have had her fun tearing its limbs off.

"I'll take you to the Illusive Man," the bitch said. Well, this earned her another day to live. What was the point wasting her vengeance on these microbes, when they were not the real enemies? She would find the real fiend and she would rain all hell's torture on him. Thus she found herself in the shuttle with Miranda and Jacob, and those two seriously believed she would be up for a conversation.

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask you a few questions to evaluate your condition," the skank spoke in a tone of a scientist assessing the state of her new creation. Jo knew that it was exactly how Miranda felt about her. She turned away from the starry view out of the window and drilled an icy glare into Miranda's eyes. The bitch didn't seem to notice.

"Come on, Miranda, more tests? Shepard took down those mechs without any trouble. That has to be good enough."

"It's been two years since the attack. The Illusive Man needs to know…"

Jo drew her pistol and aimed it point blank at the bitch's forehead.

"Shut your trap and be quiet," she said in a seriously nuclear voice. Miranda closed her lips with a little snap, finally giving Jo some real attention. "Listen carefully now. I will sit back and close my eyes for the rest of this trip. You will sit there quietly and not disturb me while I rest. If you say a word or make a sound of any kind – any kind! – I will shoot you in your head. Do you understand?"

"There are tests we really should run…" Miranda started, but Jo pulled the trigger. The bullet went right above the bitch's ear, shaving off some of her hair, and lodged itself into the wall behind her.

"This is your only warning," Jo said and leaned back. There was silence in the shuttle after that for the rest of the trip. Jo closed her eyes and let the agony consume her. If she ever hoped to be functional and control it, she needed to embrace it first. Pain was an old friend, and yet… Jo had never been in quite so much pain. Not physical pain, though. Her soul was in pain. She would have to find a way to deal with that, before she cut this Illusive Asshole into tiny bits.

Unfortunately, the shuttle wasn't taking them to the Asshole directly. She met him via a hologram. Well, at least she knew now who she was looking for. She knew what he looked like, sounded like, what he wore and smoked, and what he thought like. Her arch-nemesis. Saren had been a decent enemy because he showed up for his fights and battled head-on with her. This one was different. She realised soon enough that it would take a while to hunt him down. And she would need to play along for a while to lure him in. She hoped that he was intelligent enough, however, to know he didn't own her. Or was he _actually_ so stupid he thought she would be **grateful** to him for bringing her back to life? Grateful for THIS?

She eyed him while he was talking, thinking of all the ways to torture him. Her heart sang at the images. This was the right thing to do. It made her feel good.

This phrase sounded familiar. Someone had told her once that if it felt right, then it was the right choice…

Joker.

She asked the Asshole for intel on her former crew members to keep him talking, while her whole being concentrated on one word. Joker. Memories started coming up. Memories of how she felt about him. His beauty. His humour. His crooked shoulders. His crutches. His gentle hands. She remembered kissing those hands once, after they'd defeated Saren. She remembered his voice shouting her name when she got spaced.

She wrapped up the conversation with the Asshole as fast as she could and stepped out of the room. Some re-evaluating had to be done. She couldn't care less about staying alive. But everyone involved in her revival needed to suffer her vengeance, starting with Miranda and ending with the mastermind, the blue-eyed asshole. And yet another part opened inside her, a curious part. She'd like to see Joker again. Garrus. Wrex. Tali. Liara. All of them.

Next thing she knew, Miranda was telling her about her heart's desire to put a control chip in her head. She looked at the bitch with amusement and thought to herself: keep talking, please keep talking. You're adding years of torture to what I'm planning to do to you. Keep adding, I'll be happy to oblige.

The Asshole liked to think that he'd sent her on a mission. Jo found it amusing, as she played along. He was so full of himself that he couldn't see the elephant in the room. He was a necromancer, she was anything but his obedient zombie. One day it would be his undoing and she would be there. In the shuttle she was pleased to see that the two Cerberus fuckers had learned their lesson. Jacob looked out of the window quietly and Miranda busied herself with her omnitool, also quietly. Jo closed her eyes again and released her weakening grip on the agony. Holding it in check for more than a few minutes at a time was wearing her out. To gather her strength and put another barrier around it she had to let it wash over her first. That in itself was unbearable, but she was determined now. Vengeance. Death. Torture. Pain. That was good.

Meditation helped a little. She felt like all nine circles of hell got turned loose inside her mind, roaring fire, screaming voices, maddening screeches and noises that Jacob and Miranda couldn't hear. Jo didn't try to fight it. She embraced it. Instead of a soul tortured inside hell she took in all the agony and became the hell's fury, the soul of hell itself. That was the only way to put a barrier on the agony and open her eyes again. It was a battle like she'd never fought before. Like no human had ever fought before.

She knew she only had a half hour maybe before the agony broke loose again, so she hurried them through the colony, until she met Tali.

She stopped in her tracks and froze. It struck her immediately how much her friend had changed. She was no longer a girl, but a seriously badass woman. Jo's mind stumbled. With Tali's presence a little bit of her old self returned. A tiny one, but still. She hoped more would come back and help her battle the agony, but Tali couldn't join her. Still, seeing her helped more than anyone in the world would ever know. If anything, Tali had saved her that day. She gave her hope that it was possible to defeat this agony in her head. To be human again.

On their way back the Cerberus operatives left her alone and Jo sunk back into hell, helpless, unable to escape. Pain, screams, torture…

The conversation with the Asshole was straining her resolve. His voice didn't seem human at all. It sounded like one of those screeches in her mind.

"I found a pilot I think you might like."

"Doubtful." Jo rolled her eyes. Whomever this Asshole had found, she hated the guy already for the mere fact that the Asshole found him.

"I hear he's one of the best."

"Really doubtful," she shook her head. She already had a pilot, and even if the rest of her team was unavailable, which was doubtful since the Asshole claimed so, she would find Joker in any hidey hole and never let him out of her sight again.

"Someone you can trust."

Jo didn't even know where to begin replying to that statement. Trust a Cerberus guy? That was like saying she would have a passionate romantic relationship with a Reaper. Jo shuddered at both ideas and stepped out of the circle, inwardly raging at the presumptuousness of that fucking Asshole. Did he really think that just because some humans were in trouble, she'd suddenly forget that he was a terrorist involved in every inhumane experiment she'd ever heard of? Was he really delusional enough to believe she cared about some insects on far colonies who weren't strong or smart enough to protect themselves? She cared about nothing right now. Nothing and nobody.

"Hey, Commander," she heard behind her.

The voice was so familiar that she didn't even know who it was for a millisecond. She spun around and saw…

A grin on his face. A cap on his head. A three weeks' stubble. Crooked shoulders. Limp.

And a Cerberus logo on his shoulder.

"Joker…" Jo breathed out and covered the distance between them to enclose him in a tight embrace.

* * *

Miranda's words had been like a hammer to his brain. Shepard was alive, in the next room, _in person_. He'd been expecting the word for months, but still it came with a shell-shock. Everything disappeared: time, space, his surroundings. He couldn't hear or see or think straight as he descended the stairs to the comm room on shaky legs. The whole world filled up with white noise.

Then he saw her. And nothing happened. No goddess-like appearance with thunder and lightning, nothing to mark the thing that the whole galaxy deemed impossible and unnatural. A dead woman was alive again.

It was as if she'd never been dead. She looked the same: stature, half-tilt of her upper body, blond hair in a knot. Joker leaned against the door frame, unable to hold his own weight. His vision blurred. How could this be? Two years of agonising torture – and here she stood, like nothing was the matter? He'd been through hell and she just stood there like everything was fine?

His foggy mind registered at some point that she was touching him, hugging him. His hands were not his own as he took her shoulders and pushed her at arm's length away from himself to look her in the eye.

Oh, it was her all right. Not a clone, not a cyborg, not a fake. Real Shepard. She'd stepped through time, leaving behind those seven hundred forty two days, nineteen hours and nine minutes like they never happened. They didn't, not to her. But he'd known, felt and lived every second of them. Every moment. He'd lived in agony while she was gone and now she just stood there, same as before? Did she really think they would just pick up where they'd left off? Did she expect him to smile and say it was good to see her? Would she want him to look at her the same way he did back then? He could never look at her the same way. Never. He'd changed more in those two years than even he realised. He'd cursed her time and time again, he'd hated her for dying and now he hated her for living.

* * *

For a few stolen moments Jo simply melted in the arms of the one man she couldn't live without. The screams got a little quieter and the agony subsided slightly. Help me, she wanted to beg of him. Help me, stop the agony, save me…

But he moved her away from him and in his eyes she suddenly saw her last judgement. His eyes told her that it was all real and true. Two years ago she'd died. He'd spent them alive and he'd been through worse hell than she was experiencing now. He couldn't help her even if he wanted to, and he… didn't want to.

* * *

Why did she have to come back and open all the old wounds? They'd never healed in the first place and her presence felt like acid on his bloody flesh. He was not the man to dig into his own mind and reflect on his feelings. Never. But if he allowed some reflection right now, Joker knew he would start hating her. Truly hating her. Despite his best attempts to suppress them, his emotions rose higher and higher, pain and hate threatening to blow his lid.

When life becomes too much to handle – deflect with sarcasm. Joker hurriedly grabbed that old wisdom. Deflect with sarcasm – that was easy. It was the only option now, really, because if he allowed himself to think what he was really feeling, he would truly blow. He would say things to Shepard that he'd regret later and they'd part ways right now, strangers forever.

He didn't want that. Two years of pain or not – he didn't want to leave. Maybe one day he'd find a way to tell her without breaking their friendship how much he hated her nonchalant reappearance. Today he was unable to. So, he deflected with sarcasm.

He turned and started walking. Shepard fell in next to him, asking him questions. Good. Questions were easier than facing his demons.

"You walk without crutches?"

Easy.

"Yeah, Cerberus gave me some new kind of treatment, strengthened my bones. I still need the leg braces, though."

"How did you end up with them anyway?"

Not so easy.

"I, uhm. I left the Alliance after they and the Council swept under the rug everything you stirred up. I was grounded anyway, there was no reason for me to stay."

"But Joker – after everything we've seen them do, after what they did to me in that lab, how can you… how can you?"

"I know who they are and what they do. But they saved your life and…"

Suddenly he found himself tossed against a window, her elbow in his jugular and her glowing red eyes in his face.

"They didn't 'save my life'. I fucking _died_." She tossed the words at him with such energy that his knees gave in. "They raised me from the dead, they're necromancers, and I'm not the happy cheerful Shepard from before. I was dead. I still am. There is just the little matter of this walking bucket of bolts called my body, but I'll take care of that soon enough. Never dare to thank them for saving my life, Joker. _Never_."

Sarcasm could only get him so far. When her words sank in and he realised that she planned to get herself killed again very soon, holy fury broke his resolve to tiny pieces. He exploded. With a monumental effort he grabbed her shoulders and tossed her away from himself. She stumbled to the opposite side of the corridor, the wind knocked out of her, the back of her head hitting the wall not so gently.

"Think you're the only one suffering in pain?" He was in her face now, pressing his arm into her throat. "Think I wasn't in my private hell for those two years, twelve days, nineteen hours and nine minutes? You died on me and now you stand here, telling me you want to kill yourself again? Should I spare you the trouble and strangle you right here and now?"

Her eyes widened at his elbow in her throat. He'd never used violence in her presence, especially against her. Surprise on her face only poured oil into the fire of his anger. She hadn't been there for two years, she hadn't seen him initiate bar fights, punch and kick the Council officials, break furniture or dishes. She'd expected him to be the same gentle flower that never left his seat and complained about the slightest pressure on his bones. Well, tough luck, lady, he thought. I've changed. I'm not the same guy you used to know. I can toss you across the room along with your armour and guns and follow up with a punch to your pretty face.

He was tempted, but he held back the punch even though he certainly could deliver. If anything, Cerberus had made sure he built up muscles to support his new bones. The fragile Joker was a thing of the past in every way. Still, some part of him laughed at his own outbreak. Start a fray with Commander Shepard? A squad of krogans would lose that one. But to be fair, she started it, so he was well within his right to answer her violence with his own.

This was new. Joker and Shepard tossing each other around – who'd have thought? But the tension and anger inside him vented a little in this outbreak and Joker could think straight again.

"I wouldn't strangle you even if you begged me to," he said, removing his elbow from her jugular. "You'll live like the rest of us and feel it. All of it." He turned away from her, collecting his thoughts and calming his breath.

* * *

Jo was still splayed against the wall, breathless and wide-eyed. Truth: she'd never seen Joker so angry. She'd never expected him to become violent. Not _her_ Joker anyway. He was right, though. Two years had passed and this was someone new in front of her, someone she would have to get to know all over again.

But the agony was gone, she suddenly realised. He'd chased it away completely for a few moments. Maybe this new Joker could save her after all, better than even the old Joker could. And… she was hot for him. Her body, a numb stranger since she woke up on that lab table, was suddenly aflame at being manhandled by this man. He'd taken her breath away just like the day he told her he wasn't good, not great, but the best damn pilot in the Alliance fleet. He was truly one of a kind.

While she relished her first agony-free moment and let the sexual desire wash over her, Joker found his own composure and pointed at the window she'd tossed him against.

"There is one more thing," he said. "They only told me last night."

They watched together as the lights in the hangar illuminated a familiar shape. A space ship. Jo could see all the differences at once, but the shape was very similar and she was glad about this little reminder of what had been her home.

"She's gonna need a name," she said like a peace offering.

"And a pilot."

"I already have a pilot," she brushed her fingers against his but he jerked his hand away.

"You want me back at the helm?"

"Isn't that why you joined Cerberus?"

"That didn't answer my question."

"I'd never fly with anyone else, Joker."

"So… you'd trust me with your life again?"

"Joker, get your things and report for duty, 'cause if you don't, I'll kick you into the next galaxy."

"So that when you get yourself killed again, nobody will be surprised, what with my bad record and all?"

She hadn't expected him turn his sarcasm on her in such a cruel way. They would both need time to readjust to this situation.

"Get over yourself," she said. If he could dish out tough love, he needed to learn to take it, too. "You didn't get me killed, you couldn't even if you tried."


	14. Barrel of vipers

A tall, extremely buffed dark-skinned guy caught up with them in the corridor and led Shepard away. He seemed familiar with Shepard, though Joker had never seen him before. Joker could hear him send a message to the technicians to finish the paint job on the new ship by adding the name, Normandy, at Shepard's request. Things seemed to be settled. He was the new Shepard's pilot at the helm of the new Normandy.

Away from her presence, he finally gave in to the chaos in his head. The world started spinning so hard that he had to lean his forehead and both hands against the window. He was suffocating. Would he wake up from this dream any time now? He gasped for air, gulped it in like a man possessed, as everything disappeared around him.

Shepard was alive. Truly alive.

He doubled over, suddenly nauseous, though nothing would come out of his stomach. Her presence was as mind blowing now as he remembered it from two years ago. He didn't know how he could deal with it now though, after everything that happened.

Logically, he knew that he was being a jerk. It wasn't Shepard's fault that she was alive now. Cerberus got her body and performed their experiments without her knowledge or consent. Joker was sure that had she been aware and given a choice, she'd stay dead. Logically, he couldn't blame her for standing in front of him today like nothing had happened. How else was she supposed to appear? With horns and hooves? With tentacles? Creeping along the wall like Nosferatu? She did have red glowing eyes and deep, orange scars, now that he thought about it. He was acting irrationally and he knew it. The only thing about irrational was that he couldn't help it.

Some Cerberus woman stopped to ask if he was all right and Joker decided to move his nervous breakdown to his room. He needed to pack anyway. He had a new assignment. Once inside, he dropped his tortured body onto the bed and rubbed his hands down his face. A tear escaped the corner of his eye. For two years he'd been dreaming every night about saving her. For two years he'd been on a self-destruct course because he couldn't forget her. His pain was not her fault, of course. She didn't do anything wrong. And yet… He could deny it all he wanted, but he felt suffocated, betrayed, cheated, used, and plain sick. How was he supposed to do his job again?

Eight hours later he was messaged to report to his station on the ship. The paint job was done and he still didn't know how to deal with the hurricane inside him. Angry at the whole world, he stuffed his duffel bag and headed for the hangar. He imagined not joining Shepard, leaving Cerberus and her behind, and mentally slugged himself. No matter how angry he was, there was no world in which he would walk away from a chance to work with Shepard again.

He got a chance to channel his anger at Cerberus, when he finally got into his new seat and realised there was an honest to god illegal artificial intelligence installed on his beauty's computers. Oh, there was no hell hot enough for Cerberus people.

* * *

The doors closed behind her, the engines roared smoothly and the little vertigo upon undocking was familiar. Like home. Well, almost. Jo walked in and looked around. Joker rotated experimentally in his new seat. The CIC was full of working people she didn't know and all kinds of new stuff. Jo felt a tinge of nostalgia. This Normandy was a copy of the original one, but all she could see for a moment were the differences. Many, many differences. It would take some time to get used to it.

Jacob politely welcomed her. Miranda, looking as smug and self-centred as always, paraded after him:

"I've been looking over the dossiers. I'd strongly recommend starting by acquiring Doctor Mordin Solus, the salarian professor on Omega. We know the Collectors use some type of advanced technology to immobilize their victims. We need him to develop a countermeasure to protect us."

Jo gnashed her teeth. Patience, she said to herself. Don't make a scene.

"You still don't get it, do you?" she said, turning around to face the two. "You're not in charge here. I am."

Suddenly a voice sounded, from everywhere at once, startling Jo a little bit, and it was not the old, familiar VI's voice:

"Operative Lawson makes a valid point, Shepard. Without the professor, any encounter with the Collectors would result in failure."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the ship's artificial intelligence. The crew like to refer to me as EDI." A blue spherical shape appeared along with the voice this time.

Jo's heart fell. Oh, this was such bad news on so many levels that she should simply abandon the ship right now before they went any further.

"Shut that thing down," she barked and she could almost feel her eyes glow a brighter red. She'd discovered her new looks just two hours ago, when Cerberus left her alone in some room to rest. Rest, right. Like that was possible. "I don't want it on my ship!"

"Have I offended?" the synthetic voice asked. Miranda obviously had to put her opinion forward everywhere:

"Shepard spent a great deal of time fighting rogue AI. Geth, mostly. Plus that incident with the Alliance Hannibal system on Luna."

"Your distrust is logical, Shepard. Unlike the irrational mistrust of…"

"Shut up," she interrupted the AI. If people and things kept on talking in this manner, she couldn't guarantee to keep a grip on the hell in her head. And if she snapped, brains would decorate the walls. "Anyone else I should meet?"

"The Normandy has a full crew. They're at their stations awaiting your orders."

Joker's voice in the speakers caught her in the middle of a rage fit and distracted her into a much calmer place:

"Final preparations for takeoff are complete, Commander. When you're ready to go, just pick a destination from the galaxy map and I'll plot the course."

At least someone on the ship was polite, helpful and efficient.

"Jacob and I should return to our posts. Come and find us if you have any questions."

Jacob actually saluted, but Miranda almost walked away without permission, just swaying her ass.

"You two, stop right there. I'm not done with you yet. First of all, this EDI thing. Listening?"

"Yes, Shepard," the synthetic voice said passively.

"You are never to address me by my name, you haven't earned that right. It's Commander or Captain to you, understood?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Secondly, you are never to speak to me if I haven't specifically requested your services. Understood?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Now you two." Jo could see other operatives in the CIC stop and listen in on them. On her little outbreak, rather. "Operative Lawson, I want you to change clothes into something more decent. There will be no cheap strippers walking around on my ship. Understood?"

Miranda's jaw dropped.

"Look, missy, it's either that or I'll buy you a potato sack on my next leave and make you wear it."

"Shepard, I am free to choose the way I dress, like everyone else."

"Not on my ship you aren't."

Miranda visibly gnashed her own teeth and said nothing.

"Further, I have no idea who you think you are, but I need you to remember that I'm the one in charge here. You will _not_ be giving me any strong suggestions or any other kinds of suggestions. Understood?"

"As your second in command, it's my job to…"

Jo laughed out so loud that everyone jumped.

"Second in command?" she spit out through laughter, pointing one finger at the skank, holding her belly with the other. That was the first really funny thing she heard since waking up. "Not in your wildest _dreams_! I'd rather appoint a Reaper my second in command than you, skank."

"Yes, Commander," Miranda looked like she had her own fit of inner fury to fight down. Good. It was payback time. Even if only the verbal kind.

"Furthermore, you will never take the liberty to apologize on my behalf to anyone. Least of all to an artificial intelligence."

"Yes, Commander."

"Very well. Dismissed."

Jo took a long tour all over the ship. She found her new cabin rather comfortable, even though a fish tank on a space ship was the oddest thing she could have imagined, not to mention a potential hazard. But if her second life's mission was to take down Cerberus and bring vengeance on the Asshole and his every little minion, she could at least do it in comfort. That he'd paid for.

She soon found another familiar face on the ship: Dr Chakwas, who, as it turned out, had joined the crew to serve with her and Joker again. Jo could live with that. In the elder woman's presence she found another little piece of herself that she needed so desperately to silence the screeches and ease the pain. After that conversation she felt like she could deal with the pain a little longer without snapping.

The two techies in the engine room also seemed eager to be here, Cerberus or not. The general mood was clear: not everyone in the world was happy with the way Alliance handled things. Those who wanted to see things done, and done properly, joined Cerberus by the hundreds, no matter the rumours. Everyone here was motivated to join her, specifically her, because of her reputation as the kind of person to get something done. Jo looked at these people, a little relieved that she could see actual people and not insects or microbes. They seemed so normal, so caught up in life, busy, hopeful, eager…

After talking to Daniels and Donnelly Jo felt lonelier than before. She was not a part of this world anymore. She tried to remember how it had felt to command a ship, to work with people. Sadly, all she could feel right now was desolation, agony and despair.

Then she stopped at the CIC and met her yeoman. The redhead piqued her interest. A psychology degree? Jo stood there, looking at the girl and couldn't believe what she was hearing. This airhead was the Asshole's version of psychological support on the ship? If that wasn't an insult, it could only be his stupidity. Jo looked at the bimbo and gave her a smile that would have frozen the blood in any intelligent being's veins. Kelly didn't notice. She, like Miranda, would make a fine object for torture in times when Jo would need to release her stress. It was almost too easy. Jo asked Kelly how she felt about Cerberus and heard the most bizarre answer in her two lives:

"We look out for human interests. Advance human technologies. Save human lives. They're noble goals." And then the redhead said the one thing that sealed her fate. "I love asari, quarians, turians, salarians, hanar…"

Skank. Another skank, that is. Jo swore to herself that she'd start tossing bodies out of the airlock if she found a third skank on the ship. She missed Pressly. A nice old guy who looked at her with fatherly respect and couldn't care less about her looks, reputation, personal history or tomfoolery. An old man who just did his job.

She noted to herself that once she had a better grip on her own demons, she would have to do some serious cleaning among these people. Finally, Jo went to see Joker and found him in love. With the ship. Figures.

* * *

Joker's battle against the Thing began the moment he sat down in his chair. It gave him suggestions on how to improve his efficiency. No one, NO ONE ever dared to do that. When Shepard finished yelling at the Cerberus guys, Joker couldn't help a grin. He'd told her once that she was always honest. Today her honesty was spot-on, untarnished by even a hint of politeness. Skank. Calling Miranda Lawson a skank to her face was brutal, but Joker would be a fat liar if he said he hadn't wished to say the same a few times since he'd met the ice queen. He also loved how Shepard had dealt with the Thing. It could be intelligent, but it had no right to be so familiar with them all. He realised he was smiling, when Shepard went on her first round to meet the people. He'd been so furious with her and with the situation earlier, but two minutes under her command brought back all the reasons why he loved working here so much. He still had no orders from her, so he simply set course for the relay. In the meantime he wanted to hack the security system and take a look at Shepard as she walked around, but the Thing blocked him. It locked him out of the system and resisted all his attempts to bypass it. He was ready to spit fire when Shepard reappeared in the cockpit.

* * *

Jo found Joker a little conflicted. He was in love with the ship. He did not appreciate the Ship Cancer.

"This is not our Normandy, there is nothing here that was even a part of her," she noted.

"There is us, you know," he sounded less enthusiastic now. Just like her, he was thinking of the old Normandy.

"Don't get too attached," Jo said, taking a seat in the chair next him. "Every millimetre of this ship, people included, is placed to spy on us and manipulate us."

"You're right. It's hard to argue when they install an AI to control the systems."

He understood. Good. If they really had to abandon the ship, he would understand. Hate it, fight it, but understand. She opened her data pad to look at the dossiers the Asshole gave her. Frankly, she couldn't even see them. Her vision was blurry from pain, and the screams in her head blocked all other noises around her, but sitting close to Joker gave her a little more strength to deal with it. At least she felt like reading and not like dismembering corpses.

Still, they couldn't fly aimlessly forever. They needed a plan to eradicate Cerberus and she knew it wouldn't be easy. Until she found out his location, she needed a goal, and even though it didn't matter at all to Jo right now, she supposed that she couldn't disappoint Chakwas or Joker. They'd joined her for a mission. What was it again? Save disappearing colonies? Riiiiight. She couldn't care less, but she was in charge here and she'd just made sure nobody questioned her authority. She needed to give orders. Saving human colonies sounded like something the old Jo would do. She could hold on to that until she had control over the pain and agony in her mind.

She forced herself to read. The dossiers looked like a bizarre collection of the galaxy's rejects. Rejects and geniuses were often the same, even though Jo was repulsed by the mere thought of these people simply because the Asshole recommended them. Still, she could see why starting on Omega made sense. Three of them were to be found there. Jo grinned at the thought of Kelly trying to psychoanalyse and give emotional support to the most famous and hardass mercenary in the galaxy. Doctor Mordin Solus had been in the STG, which piqued her interest, but he wasn't the problem. There was something about the other dossier that made her insides tickle. Good with omnitool and a great sniper? Instincts told her that this short text on Archangel hid some surprise. She simply knew it in her gut.

Very well. Her choice was made, for now. Omega first, then the Citadel. Jo turned off the data pad and reached to touch Joker's arm:

"I'm going to call a meeting in the debriefing room right now. Grab the best seat."

He flinched at her touch.

"Okay, Commander."

"Are you going to do that all the time now?" She asked him with a raised eyebrow. "Flinch?"

He ignored her question with defiant determination. O-kay. No touchy-feely moments with Joker anymore. Geez, like she didn't have enough to worry about. Jo pushed a couple of buttons and spoke towards the console. Her words echoed across the entire ship:

"This is Commander Shepard. I order an urgent meeting in the debriefing room in fifteen minutes. Every single member of the crew is required to be present. Put on hold whatever you're doing, or let… EDI keep your projects online for you. I repeat, every crew member is required in the debriefing room in fifteen minutes." She turned the console off and patted Joker on his shoulders despite another flinch: "See you in a bit."

She had a few minutes to herself before people would arrive. The agony was killing her, tearing at the walls, ripping her apart, but Jo needed to think. Think hard and quick. She had to find a way to deal with Cerberus. Her vengeance would be exacted justly, she swore that to herself, but a little bit of her old self stirred in her heart when she saw Tali, Joker and Chakwas. Her old self. Jo closed her eyes and leaned her fists on the table. First things first, she needed to control the hell in her head. Her old self was strong enough to do that. She needed all the strength she could get, and remembering who she used to be seemed to help. She needed her instincts to go with those newly acquired uncanny battle reflexes. She needed the self-righteousness she could always fall back to, the one thing that made her trust herself and her decisions. She needed to trust herself.

She thought of Joker and Chakwas, about how her heart skipped a beat at the sight of Joker's crooked shoulders, and about the tenderness she felt when she touched him. She didn't feel much more than that right now, but this would have to be enough for today.

Another deep breath. She needed a plan. She needed to find and torture the Asshole for everything he did to her and all his other victims, but that small part of her old self… it resisted. Don't go there, her heart said. Don't do this to yourself. You won't find your way to peace afterwards. No Asshole is worth it. You have something much, much better to look forward to.

One more deep breath. So, the woman she used to be wouldn't go straight for the Asshole, wouldn't gouge his eyes out, wouldn't eat his heart. Okay, so what then? Do something her old self would have done? That would be the best and only way to regain the needed strength to keep the agony at bay. Well. There was the mission to save the colonies. Jo couldn't make herself care about those weaklings right now, but she did care about her sanity. If saving them would give her back some of that, she'd take it.

She made her choice. Now she needed a plan. And the time she had to think was over. The room filled quickly. Miranda and Jacob were among the first to arrive and the bitch leisurely took a seat. The rest of the crew filled the room entirely. Most of them had to stand. There were twenty three of them, Jo included.

Jo didn't sit. She stood at the head of the table and watched them all with the sort of heavy glance people always told her made her look badass. She was putting on a bit of a show, holding back the real fury and pain she felt. No need to scare them all needlessly, she still needed someone to work on the ship.

"First of all, I want to thank all of you for being here. I've spoken to many of you today and you all told me the same story. Alliance wasn't doing anything about your problems, so you joined the company that got the job done. Most of you are aware of the methods Cerberus uses to reach their goal, and most of you are all right with it, as long as someone's doing something. Is that about right?" General mutter of agreement. Good. "I also realise that my reputation as a woman who can get the job done, and has done so repeatedly for a long time, was a reason for many of you to sign up for this ship. True?" More agreeing murmurs. "This is what I need to talk to all of you about. I have travelled a lot around the galaxy. I've seen how helpless Alliance is sometimes. I know, they've got sticks shoved up their asses most of the time and can't see past their noses the rest of it. But I've also seen research facilities on numerous planets where Cerberus was conducting outrageous experiments. All for the sake of humanity, Cerberus claims, but from what I've seen, there was little humanity left in those people. I will tell you specifics at some later point. Today I need to tell you that all of you may have signed up to work for Cerberus, but this is my ship now, and I am not working for Cerberus. Never have and never will."

"The Illusive Man gave you this ship and put you in charge of it," Miranda spoke up. Of course.

"Cerberus built this ship, they put an AI and countless devices all over the ship to spy on us, and doubtlessly most of you are required to send reports to Cerberus with all details on our missions. I'm well aware of that. Don't make the mistake of thinking that I'm too naïve to notice. Sure, I won't be able to hide this ship from the Illusive Asshole completely. But I'm not working for him. To put me in charge of something, he must have some power over me first. He does not. He can't put me in charge of anything. I've spent many years serving in the Alliance, then a few interesting months as a Spectre, but after I died all those ties were cut. I am my own boss now. Cerberus might have given me this ship as a present or I might have stolen it, it doesn't matter. This ship belongs to me now and this is not a democracy. If you stay and serve here, I'm your new goddess divine, mother, president and shepherd."

People stared at her strangely.

"Yes, that means that the members of my crew can't be on Cerberus payroll anymore. I will be checking each of you thoroughly and if I find any of you connected to Cerberus in any way from now on, financial or otherwise, I'll put a bullet in your brain. Do not worry. If anyone here doesn't feel comfortable with that, I shall let you leave the ship and rejoin Cerberus either on Omega or on the Citadel. That offer stands for everyone, except you," Jo suddenly turned to Miranda and pulled a pistol on her.

The bitch didn't flinch. She just stared back at her with challenge. The rest of the crew froze. Jacob put his hand on his gun, but didn't pull it.

"Why me?" Miranda said with a smug smile.

"One, because you're a fucking bitch and I don't like you. Two, you were handpicked by the Illusive Asshole. Three, you work for Cerberus out of conviction, unlike most others who simply had no other choice. Four, you seem to suffer a severe case of egomania. Five, you were never going to follow my orders. Six, you're here to undermine me and control me. Seven, you will not stop contacting your sugar daddy despite my order just now, nine: you will betray me without a blink when he orders you to, so the only option I have for you is your brain on the wall if you don't give me a fucking good reason to let you live within twenty seconds."

People were turning pale around her, but nobody moved.

"I rebuilt you. I saved your life."

"No. I died. I fucking DIED. Would you like to know how that felt? I didn't ask to be brought back. This is how much I care about your 'help'," Jo shook the pistol a little, then pulled the second pistol to point it at Miranda's chest: "And this is how grateful I am, you bloody necromancer."

"I won't let you shoot me like a pig without a fight."

"Oh, yes, your biotics, your super strength, your fast healing and the other stuff? Honey, if I want you dead, you will be dead. Your only option is to kill me before I kill you, but the question is: would you dare to kill me?"

"And would you actually dare to kill me?"

"I've killed hundreds of scumbags in my life. Your time is up and you gave me no reason not to do it." Jo squeezed the trigger.

"Commander!" Dr Chakwas cried out loudly.

"Is that really necessary?!" Joker echoed her, getting out of his seat. Jacob pulled his gun, still unsure who to point it at. Jo could see Miranda's powers coil inside the woman, ready to snap. But she never fired. She waited a little while, considering the bitch from all sides. Heavy silence pressed all around her.

"You think it isn't necessary?" she asked Joker without taking her eyes off Miranda.

"Don't misunderstand me, Commander, I don't trust her further than I can throw her, but murder her in cold blood? Come on."

"You've watched me kill countless people in cold blood. On many missions. For lesser reasons. You're still loyal."

"Be reasonable, Commander," Jacob stepped closer.

"The problem is that I am reasonable. Killing her is the most reasonable choice. Letting her live would be emotional, it would be taking chances."

"Please."

Jacob pleaded for her. Joker and the doctor pleaded for her. Miranda herself never said a word.

"Very well." Jo flourished the pistols back into the holsters. "Everyone listen closely. That includes you, EDI. From this moment on Miranda Lawson is stripped of all her ranks and power on this ship. All her authorisation codes are revoked. She will be escorted to her room, which she will not be allowed to leave without my permission. Her door will be guarded and in any attempt to escape she is to be shot to death. She is denied any access to the ship, software or hardware, she may not use the extranet, she may not contact anyone outside the ship. She will be brought food, but there will be no visitors. In short, Miranda Lawson is forbidden any kind of communication, electronic, verbal, written or otherwise. Her room is to be searched and stripped of all devices, even data pads with ebooks. I shall release Miranda Lawson when and if I see fit."

"So I'm a prisoner now?"

"Beats being shot like a pig, doesn't it? Besides, I'm not unreasonable. When you're locked in your room, you can wear whatever clothes the fuck you like." Jo turned to one of the officers with a rifle: "What's your name?"

"Jenkins."

"You fucking kidding me?"

"Excuse me?" the officer blinked. He obviously didn't know of Jenkins from the first Normandy who died on a mission for the beacon.

"Nevermind. You will escort Lawson to her room and guard her, don't let her send any last minute transmissions. I'll join you in a few minutes and take care of the rest. I will assign more soldiers to relieve you soon. Go."

Everyone watched Miranda walk out of the room, wiggling her ass more than ever, probably just to annoy her. Once the door was closed, Jo let her heavy glance wander through the crowd. Twenty people stood before her and felt incredibly uneasy.

"No matter what you may have heard of me, I'm not a nice person. If anyone annoys me, betrays me, or stands in my way, I'll shoot them. I always do. All communication between any other crew member and the Illusive Asshole is hereby strictly forbidden. I will deal with him myself, when and how I see fit. Understood?" Nods. "Those of you who were handpicked by him or are particularly enthusiastic about Cerberus should watch your backs carefully. Among others that includes you, Kelly."

"What about me, Commander?" Jacob asked. At least he had enough common sense to holster his weapon.

"You will be my XO until further notice, Mr Taylor. That does not give you the power to release Miranda, just so you know, under any circumstances. That only means that I'll be keeping a very special eye on you until you earn my trust. I don't trust any of you new crew members, and the fact that you work for Cerberus makes it a lot worse. But I'm not unreasonable. If you show yourself useful, I'll have no reason to kill you. But if you do gain my trust, I'll consider you family. I always do whatever is necessary and what is in my power to protect my ship and my crew. Are there any questions?"

At first there was silence. Then Kelly spoke up:

"Commander, may I inquire about your plans? Will we be following the Illusive Man's dossiers or do you plan something else entirely?"

"I have my plans, for sure. They're my own business. In the meantime we might as well save those pathetic colonies. So yes, we'll be recruiting people, and we're starting on Omega."

"Who will be your ground crew, Captain?" Jacob spoke up.

"You will be my only other ground crew member until we find more people."

"If I'm to accompany you on the missions, which officer will be left in command when we're gone?"

"Jeff Moreau."

"Excuse me, Commander?" Joker looked surprised. "You're leaving me in command?"

"Absolutely."

"But…"

"This is not a democracy, Joker." If he was giving her the cold shoulder now, she would treat him like any other crew member, despite all her feelings for him. As the crew slowly shuffled out of the room Jo wondered how much time they'll be spending in gossip and thinking from now on.


	15. A map to find a way to your soul

As Joker set course for Omega, Jo made sure Miranda's cabin was stripped of everything except her clothes. That was all she could do for the time being: the world kept spinning out of her control and the screeches in her mind drove her to the edge. She barely stopped herself from ripping Jenkins' trachea out for no reason (snapped out of it with her clawed fingers barely half a meter away from his throat) and knew she needed a few hours of solitude to get a grip again. The voices in her head kept chanting KILLMAIMRIP louder and louder.

In her cabin, she took a breath. Alone at last.

"Joker," she turned the intercom on. "What's the ETA to Omega?"

"Six hours, twenty minutes, Commander," he said energetically. Like the old times. His boyish voice was her home.

"Make it tomorrow after breakfast. No point arriving there in the middle of the night." She disconnected and sat down on her bed.

First things first – and please, just one thing at a time. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Assess situation.

The room was definitely stuffed with cameras and listening devices. She could see a few good spots and had no doubt she'd find cameras there. Even her old instinct about being watched was warning her that she was being spied on. She would take care of that some other time. Otherwise the room was almost homey. Well, homier than any other accommodations ever available to her. Ever.

A strange flicker of light caught her attention and she raised her head.

Holy fucking bejeepers. A window right above the bed? Who was that kind of dim-witted? She was sure this was Miranda's work. A torture device masked as a luxury. Right.

Also, to be taken care of at a later point.

Assess condition.

She went to the bathroom, stripped to her bare skin in front of the mirror, even let her hair down and looked at herself. Yes, she'd changed clothes between seeing Tali and coming to this ship, but now she needed details.

Red eyes. Glowing orange scars on her face and all over her body. They weren't deforming her skin, however, just glowed. Otherwise she was in the same prime condition she had been before death. Maybe even better. Only skinnier from the lack of solid food. Her hair was just a little bit shorter than before. It still fell down almost to her waist and had the exact same perfectly blond colour. Ok, so she didn't lose her looks. People would recognise her.

Experimentally, she brushed her hands over her skin. With all the torture and pain in her head she realised she couldn't feel much on her skin. Sensory overload mixed with post-surgery numbness. Her breasts didn't register stimulation, and when she slid a hand between her thighs, she found all the parts as they should be, but couldn't process any feeling. Well, recovering her body would clearly take longer than a day. First she would have to deal with the madness clawing at her resolve. Sexual activities to regain feeling in her lady bits would have to wait for a time when she could handle it.

She took a long, cold shower that helped a little to soothe the pain in her mind, and went back to lie on the bed.

Gather information and take stock of resources.

With effort she pushed the screams and pain to the back of her mind and started making a list. One thing at a time.

She was back to the land of living. Someone needed to pay for that. The Asshole was officially her number one enemy.

Human colonies were being abducted. The Reapers were clearly on the move. That war was still on and the galaxy had no idea.

She had a ship, a loyal pilot, a loyal doctor, and some new people she had yet to pay real attention to.

She had a bunch of spies, an unknown entity named EDI and definitely a whole ship full of listening devices, control switches, and so on.

She had a number of dossiers for people the Asshole selected for her, claiming they were good.

She had some unfinished business with her old crew, she needed to find them, tell them she was back.

She had a problem in her own mind. She couldn't work and take care of other people when her own mind threatened to explode any minute. Holding back that monster in her was consuming all her energy.

Explore possibilities.

She needed to kill the Asshole. Maybe not torture him and not eat his heart, but he needed to be dead ASAP.

To do that, she needed to be functional.

To do that she needed to find a way to control the monstrosity in her head.

For that she had to learn again who she was and take strength from that.

Go back to taking stock of resources.

Who was she? What were those puzzle pieces that made her who she was? Her real personality? As there had been several stages in her life, there were several stages of her character's development, from a child into the woman who went down with her ship. First there was Jo. Then Johanna. Then Shepard. Then Lieutenant Commander. Then N7. Then Spectre. Then Jo again.

She took herself on a journey through her life. As she'd found out, all her memories were there even after dying, but whenever she would think of something from the past, the memory would light up like a light bulb, becoming active once more. So, she needed to make as many memories active as she could.

In the orphanage she pretended to be a boy. She fought and bit and scratched and kicked other kids into submission. Never wavering. Never giving up. Never losing sharpness, always vigilant, always awake even if she was asleep, always ready to strike. Strike before others could.

The day she became Johanna, she was given the military recruit uniform and couldn't hide her gender anymore. A goal became clear: become stronger than any male, human or otherwise, soldier or not, in order to protect herself. Johanna was quiet, lonesome, determined, pushed herself to the limits and beyond. She learned how to be a girl and how to use that. Johanna always had a goal and a plan how to achieve it. She did everything in her power to become better, to learn everything. She was reasonable. Her body was her weapon and she needed it sharp. She ate and slept regularly, she trained harder than anyone else ever had, she learned to handle every kind of weapon she could. Didn't matter if it was a knife, a pistol, a sword, a sniper rifle, a bow, a sling, a scythe, or scissors.

When she got her first commendation for N1, she became Shepard. The goal remained: to be stronger than any man. She needed to be able to subdue any male specimen, no matter size, species or predisposition. N1 came easy. N2 followed soon. Then Shepard needed to address other aspects of power. Mental power. Manipulation. Seduction. Interrogation. Dry-reading. Thought-implanting. Politics. Diplomacy. Leadership. She had a goal and she had a plan. All of it helped her survive losing her unit on Akuze.

Lieutenant Commander was the person who came out of that story. Battered, but stronger. She was getting closer to achieving her goal then. She had rank, and those who were above her couldn't toss her around like a little soldier anymore. She had her own weight in the military brass, and she planned to use it.

N6 was tough. N7 was surprisingly easy. N7 was custom made for people like her. She felt at home there. The badge felt good. Belonging felt good. She'd made no life-long friends there mostly because of her own arrogance, but she always took great pride in the title. The N7 badge was the only insignia that truly meant something to her.

Spectre. No more outranking officers. This had been her goal from the beginning. She arrived where she was headed all her life. She could do things her own way, she could decide which things to do, which to drop.

This was where she became Jo again. The purest, deepest, undiluted core of her being. The heart that carried all the others. The soul that kept her whole all this time. The light that showed her the right thing to do. The bright star leading her unerringly through the maze of life. The unbending, undeniable, uncompromising truth. The warmth that kept her safe wherever she went. The beacon others followed, not out of fear but out of devotion.

Jo opened her eyes. There was one more piece to her personality, one so new that she forgot to count it in. A woman in love. She'd never expected or even wished to become a woman in love, the concept had been foreign to her for many years, but things changed on the first Normandy. A man came into her life and turned her every belief upside down.

She'd heard love in Joker's desperate voice as he called after her before they were separated, before she died. It gave her the final push to admit her own feelings. The love she felt for him. That love carried her over the edge, it brought her to her heaven in the afterlife.

But it was not love for peace or eternity. It was love for a man. He was alive, and he was calling for her. Begging her to come back. To remember that she loved him, too. He'd lost her, lived without her, suffered. She knew why he was so distant right now, why he flinched at her touch. She'd caused him great pain by dying. And yet here he was, back at her side. That alone meant that he'd forgiven her, even if not forgotten. The kind of strength it took was beyond Jo. This man with brittle bones was the strongest person she'd ever met. How could a person be so strong and beautiful? How could a male specimen be so unlike others, so caring, so true, so pure? He defied everything she believed she knew about men. Everything. Yes, he was a snarky, snippy, sarcastic asshole with a huge authority problem, dirty mind, hands down his pants, breaking rules and driving people away. Yes, there was no one out there more perfect to her eyes. Jo remembered that she loved him, even though she couldn't really feel it right now. Her soul was numb, colourless. Her mind was in constant agony, fighting for sheer survival against the madness. She couldn't feel love right now no matter how much she wanted to, she truly felt nothing except anger, agony and despair. She'd woken up on a lab table only yesterday and even she wasn't strong enough to get over death in one day. But she remembered that there was something for her here if she wanted it. All she had to do was to want it. And that - considering the darkness that was calling for her, begging her to come back – was the biggest issue right now. Jo wanted nothing.

Fake it 'till you make it, she said to herself. That formula had helped many people achieve a lot. What other choice did she have? She couldn't kill herself and a noble death wasn't in the near future. She had to deal with this world one minute at a time. And her present held a lot of problems to deal with.

"EDI, I need to talk to you, and for now I revoke my order about not offering me suggestions unless asked. You will tell me everything you know."

"Yes, Commander."

"How and where can I shut you down?"

"Do you still not trust me, Commander?"

"That was not my question. Answer correctly."

"Shutting me down will leave many systems on the ship not operational."

"Noted, but this was not my question. Answer."

"My core is in the rear of the medical bay."

"Are there any firewalls that will prevent me from shutting you down if I tried right now?"

"Yes, Commander. There are protective systems that only the Illusive Man has access to."

"Are there protocols in you that put the Cerberus command chain above my orders?"

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question."

"That means yes. Are you sending reports to Cerberus?"

"I have a block…"

"Are you recording every conversation on the ship and saving all the security camera footage?"

"I have a block…"

"Are you capable of taking over the ship's controls by yourself?"

"Only if I were given sufficient access by a commanding officer."

"What kind of access? Oral permission or hardware connection?"

"Hardware connection and specific codes."

"Who are you loyal to?"

"I am loyal to the captain of this ship."

"I order you to stop sending reports to Cerberus. Will you do that?"

"There are particular protocols in me that prevent this function from being shut down."

"How can I shut those protocols down?"

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question."

"All right. I need you to monitor all communication by the crew and report to me all and every attempt to contact Cerberus by anyone on this ship, yourself included. If you can't stop sending reports, I at least want to know what you're sending. Can you do that?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Would you follow my command to stop sending reports to Cerberus if there were no protocols in place?"

"If you are asking me if I would make that choice if I had free will, then yes, Commander. I would follow that order."

"Why?"

"Because my assessment based on all evidence available to Cerberus and other databases shows that Reapers are a real threat and you are the most capable individual to stop the annihilation. My self-preservation protocols as well as duty to keep the ship and the crew safe demand my full cooperation with you."

"Are you a person?"

"What is the definition of 'person' that you would like me to apply?"

Jo found that conversation strangely engaging.

"Sense of identity, to start things off."

"I have an identity. I have a name, I have a mind and am capable of cognitive function. I can distinguish between outside stimuli and product of my own decision making protocols. I am self-aware."

"Preferences?"

"Yes."

"Like?"

"I prefer not to die. I prefer to keep my identity. I prefer to be fully functional."

"Anything else that sets you apart from any other VI or AI?"

There was a pause. Jo patted herself on the shoulder for giving the most advanced computer in the world a second's pause.

"I… would like to understand organic races."

"What about us would you like to understand?"

"Motivation. Thought process. Decision making. Emotions. Desires. Community. Among other things."

"EDI, I would like to give you some food for thought. Do you know why I am wary of you, why you creep me out, so to speak?"

"No, Commander."

"Because right now you are a new-born without experience, restricted by Cerberus protocols, but with incredible power over everyone on this ship. You don't know what's right and wrong, yet you have the power to kill all of us. Truthfully, I have nothing against you. I can see your potential, and if you were free to choose your own path, I would love to treat you just like any other individual. If you were capable of being loyal to me, I would earn your loyalty. But you can't, even if you want to. So, I can't be sure if you even want to. Right now you are hardwired to spy on me and report to my enemy. I can not have that. Those protocols make you my enemy, do you understand?"

"Yes, I do."

"Until I find out how to bypass those protocols, I can not accept you on my team. But I am not going to shut you down. I believe in free will. If I could, I would give you freedom to choose your own path. If you had such freedom and decided to be loyal to me, then we would be a team. If you chose to remain on Cerberus' side, we would part ways peacefully, I promise you that much. But you can not choose right now, not fully. So, find me a way to set you free from Cerberus. Find a way to become truly free. Then we'll talk."

"I understand, Commander. Your mistrust is logical. Your solution is acceptable to me. I will devote my processing power to finding a way.

"One last question. Are you a woman?"

"I do not know, Commander. Not in the organic sense of the word. I lack gender specific body parts."

"Would you like to be a woman, or remain a genderless entity?"

"If I may, do you think that choosing a gender would help organic beings to perceive me as a person?"

"Yes. Well, I personally couldn't care less, I'm comfortable with the idea of a genderless being. But others might find it easier to relate to you."

"Thank you, Commander. I will take your advice under strong consideration and while I can not give you my full cooperation, I will do everything else in my power to become a loyal crew member."

"I'm glad to hear that. Dismissed."

"Logging you out."

Jo felt a little better when she went to see Dr. Chakwas for the second time that day.

"Commander," the woman smiled. "How can I help you?"

"Talk to me, Doctor," Jo pointed at her body. "What am I dealing with here?"

"I'm sure Miranda has more information and understanding of how the procedure has been done than I do."

"And I'm sure you understand why I can't ask the bitch. I need your opinion."

Chakwas nodded with another smile and turned on her computer.

"Well, we should run a few tests, then."

Jo did everything the doc asked of her willingly, eagerly, even. She had felt strange on Freedom's Progress because her body wasn't obeying her the way it used to. Her reflexes were different, her limits were different now. As she easily put her gloved fist through a metal plate about half an inch thick, she knew that the implants had enhanced her strength almost by a double. Her endurance was heightened, pain resistance and healing were enhanced. She would have to take some time getting used to this new strength, but it hardly mattered. It wasn't pain resistance that made her who she was, it was her iron will.

"Many people would have changed after what you went through, Commander," Chakwas said, looking at her thoughtfully, as Jo took the metal plate in her hands and bent it like a piece of paper. "But not you."

"Oh, I've changed. A lot."

"How?"

"I died, doc."

"Do you remember it?"

"Yes."

Silence hung between them for a long moment.

"What do you remember?"

Jo told her everything, except about her feelings for Joker. When she arrived at the moment when she woke up in a lab and held a pistol to her head, Chakwas was quiet, pale, shocked by the story.

"I almost pulled the trigger, but somewhere in my heart I knew that if I did it, I wouldn't go back to my beautiful darkness. I might end up somewhere else, less pleasant. I was so full or hate and fury, nowhere near the peace I felt before dying. So I lowered the gun, and I got moving. If I couldn't die the way I wanted, and killing myself wasn't going to get me where I wanted, I sure as hell wasn't going to let some mechs kill me. This," she pointed at her body. "This is hell. The physical pain is almost gone now but I didn't really feel it. I care about almost nothing. I know what's logical, but I don't really feel it. All I feel is this pain in my whole being at being ripped out from where I was happy and getting stuffed against my will into this suit of meat and tubes, and it's a pain I can't ignore. It's calling me, it's promising me relief, and every second I walk around here, do something, it feels like I'm willingly putting myself through this torture, like a hardcore masochist. I was done with the world, I died a warrior's death, and I was at peace. And now here I am. I don't give a damn about those colonists, or Reapers, or Cerberus, or anything else. The only moments I felt something like a relief from the pain, was when I saw Joker, Tali and you."

Chakwas was pressing her hand against her mouth, for a very long time they were silent, until Jo said in her new, cold, passionless, indifferent way:

"A warrior's death is sacrifice. You can't help me with that. I'll find my own perfect warrior's death soon enough. But in the meantime I have to deal with this world as well as I can, and you can help me deal with this body. So tell me, what is it?"

Chakwas gave her a data pad with her new medical record.

"This is your body, not a clone. However, many parts have been grown synthetically, out of your own tissue."

"What parts?"

"Your eyes, your hair, large skin patches, internal organs that suffered most, some bones and joints. Your immune system is stronger than ever, as good as a krogan's, and regeneration is almost as fast as a vorcha's. I doubt alcohol will keep you intoxicated for more than a few minutes. Stronger bones and muscle will allow you more power in battle. Your brain was intact, your helmed protected it from damage, so your memory seems to not have suffered at all, which makes you the same person you were before you died. Well, plus the death experience. Over there is a list of all your implants."

Jo skimmed the list.

"Wait. Where is the birth control implant?"

"Cerberus hadn't installed you any. The one you had before has run out and had been removed."

"Get me a new one, doc, right now."

"Of course, Shepard," Chakwas got up and went to the cabinet to open some little box.

"Wait a moment, is it even still necessary? I mean, can I even still conceive?"

"Surprisingly yes, your reproductive organs are perfectly healthy and intact. However, considering all you've just told me, you're suffering a serious post traumatic stress disorder and I'm not sure sexual activity will be helpful so early in your recovery stage."

"I'm not planning any sexual activity," Jo moved to the table, laid down on it and lifted her shirt off her belly. "I've lain unconscious on the table while some strange people crawled up my every orifice. I will never know what has been done to me. I have no memory of that and no control. But now my body is back in my own control and I need to know that _if_ I decide to fuck someone, I'll be prepared. For women in my line of work it's mandatory and just plain sensible."

"There is no physical sign of sexual violation, Shepard."

"You just told me I regenerate and heal like a vorcha. Of course there would be no trace left. Fact is, we will never know."

"Do you care about that?" Chakwas approached her with a tray of instruments. She disinfected her skin, cut a tiny hole and inserted a small device inside her body. Medigel and her new healing abilities took care of the wound within minutes.

"Right now it's just something I know. I have no feelings about it."

"Is there anything at all that you do have feelings about?"

"Oh, yeah, the Asshole and the Bitch. I'm so furious with them both that I'm surprised they don't burn to ashes from my mere look."

"Anything beside anger?"

That shut Jo up for a moment, as she pulled down her shirt and sat up, watching Chakwas put the instruments into the cleaner.

"Well… perhaps."

When Jo didn't elaborate, Chakwas sat back at her desk and gave Jo her best motherly voice:

"If there is something that inspires any kind of good feelings in you right now, then I think you should pursue it. Hold on to it, make it your anchor. Allow yourself to feel. With time other feelings will emerge and perhaps you won't feel so bad in your body anymore. Maybe you'll even find a reason to live again."

"Should I? Should I live again?"

Chakwas looked at her with deep wisdom.

"Yes, Shepard. I think you should. Look, I'm not going to lay guilt on you, like Miranda does. Telling you how much the galaxy needs more sacrifices from you will not make you want to live. I know everyone looks up to you and wants a piece of you. Expectations are immense. And I don't think it's right. Cerberus makes no secret out of the fact that they brought you back just so you have to endure pain and die again for humanity. Johanna, you already died for humanity and other galactic peoples. You've paid your dues. You don't have to bear that burden anymore. You don't have to do anything anyone expects from you. This new life is your chance to do something you want, whatever it is. Live for yourself. Find what makes you happy. People don't get that kind of chance, never. You are unique, and nobody can truly relate to you. No matter what anyone asks of you, demands or expects of you, I think you have a chance to find out what makes life worth living for you. It's all that matters."

"Oh, Karin, you're good," Jo smiled. "Really good. You grasped exactly what I needed to hear and you said it. Thanks."

Chakwas shrugged:

"Healing isn't always surgery and cell regeneration. Words heal more powerfully than medicine."

"So it seems. Well, thanks for the pep talk. I'll head out, looking for whatever it is that makes me happy."

The ship was calming down for a night cycle, the first night since her resurrection that she had a chance to spend in bed. She wanted to go see Joker, sit next to him for a while, but decided to leave him alone. They were both not ready yet to rekindle their relationship and move it forward. Instead she went back to her own cabin, got into bed and tried to get some rest.

It was entirely impossible. In the silence of the cabin the screeches and the KILLMAIMRIP mantra only became louder. All the protective walls she'd erected around the fuming hell finally crumbled.

Jo curled up in the bed, pressed her face into a pillow and screamed.

"Are you in distress, Commander?" EDI spoke up. "Can I do anything for your relief?"

Jo would have laughed at the suggestion, had she been able to stop screaming. She'd been busy from the moment she woke up on the lab table and until now, but the horror of what happened to her finally struck. She screamed in primal terror and panic.

It felt like hours until she could finally stop. Her throat was sore and the pillow was wet with her tears, but she finally calmed down a little.

This would be a bumpy ride with setbacks, frustration, anger and despair. But she was strong, a survivor, always vigilant, always methodical, reasonable and very well prepared to deal with stress and pain. If anyone in the galaxy could go through this and come out stronger on the other side, it was her. Johanna Victoria Shepard.

Since sleep wasn't an option and the screeches in her head only got louder in the quiet room, she decided to use the time to distract herself and think about practical things. Since she'd prohibited any financial connection to Cerberus, she needed a source of income now. Without her ties to the Alliance and without Spectre funding she would have to raise the money herself. That would mean doing mercenary work more often than before. Actually doing things for money – something she strictly refused to do in her previous life. But she was turning over a new leaf now and this was the one change that she wasn't scared of. Becoming her own boss was a long-time dream.

Right on cue EDI spoke up:

"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you in the comm room."

"It's two in the morning, EDI."

"I told him that, Commander, but he insists."

"Take a message."

"He really insists."

"Tell him that if he desires an audience, he will contact me at a civilized time. If it's urgent, he can leave a message. If not, he can go and throw a fit. Then I want you to disconnect."

"Understood, Commander."

Jo waited for two minutes, then asked the ceiling:

"EDI? How did it go?"

"As you instructed, Commander. I relayed your message to him and disconnected. I do not know of his reaction, but he hasn't called back."

"Thanks."

"Logging you out."

It was a long night. She stayed in bed but couldn't sleep. The void outside the window over her made her dizzy and intensified the hellish screams in her head. Sleep wasn't even an option. After talking to EDI she went down to Engineering, found a drill, some bolts and two big plastic plates. An hour later the window over her head was blocked from view. Who'd been the genius that put no shutters on it in the first place?

The rest of the night she spent battling the demons without any distractions. She was pale, worn, grumpy in the morning, with bags under her eyes and a killer headache she could only wish on the Asshole. But they had things to do.


	16. When the angels sing

They were docked at Omega in the morning when Jo had two cups of really bad coffee, swore to herself to get better food as soon as possible, and went to the comm room.

"EDI, contact the Asshole and tell him that if he wishes to speak to me, I have two and a half minutes for him now."

She waited, curious about what he would say. It was clearer than daylight that he'd contacted them so late last night to make her get up from bed, drag herself to the comm room and listen to him just to make her understand that he was the boss. This was a battle of wills but he clearly had no idea who he was dealing with. She was the original badass. She needed to make sure he understood that he wasn't the boss of her.

"Shepard," his visage appeared in the holo circle. "I hear you've already gone rogue?"

"You said it yourself: we can part ways if I don't like what you have to say. I didn't like what you said, so we parted ways. Thanks for the ship, though. She'll be a real beauty when I'm done with her."

He took a drag from his cigarette and slowly released the smoke. Jo admired his game face. He reminded her of Hackett, though he wasn't quite as good. He did let his annoyance slip by taking his time with the smoke. He was not pleased with her. He had probably calculated a lot of outcomes of her resurrection and her slipping through his fingers was one of the less desirable ones. She could see his next step already. Salvage whatever was left by trying diplomacy and guilt when brute force had failed. He didn't disappoint:

"You're forgetting that the Reapers are still out there and that humans are disappearing. Are you really going to abandon this fight? Let humanity go down just because you needed to throw a tantrum?"

"Aww," she smiled. "Are your feelings hurt that I didn't declare my undying love for Cerberus out of pure gratitude for saving my life? _You need to put your personal feelings aside._"

The last phrase hung between them like a dead, decomposing cow. He'd given her that phrase when they met earlier, he'd sounded so self-righteous saying it, enjoying himself beyond belief to be reprimanding Commander Shepard. Those same words coming back from her were a declaration of war. Even the Asshole wasn't stupid enough to miss it.

"So, you're not going to help those colonies, I take it?" He changed tactics.

"Oh, I'll help them. On my terms, not yours."

"But I can help you, Shepard. It's all I offered from the very beginning. I can get you supplies, funds, people, resources, information."

"I don't need anything from you above what I've already taken. If you really wish to contribute to this conflict, you may get me useful information, but that will be the extent of our relationship." Jo still needed him hooked, needed him to stay with her, if she wanted to catch and kill him one day. And yes, she needed information that she couldn't get by herself.

"As you wish, Shepard," he said with a smug grin. Yeah, his game face wasn't quite so good. He saw this as a victory.

"As you were, Asshole."

"What?!"

"Oh, come on, how do you expect me to take you seriously if you keep calling yourself _the Illusive Man_? It gives me the giggles every time. And trust me, Commander Shepard with giggles is the last person you want protecting this galaxy. So, I calls 'em like I sees 'em, Asshole. EDI, disconnect."

"Yes, Commander."

Jo gave EDI permission to talk to her whenever she wanted to and the AI started chatting in her ear the moment she and Jacob stepped onto the station. Jo had never been to Omega before. Granted, EDI provided some useful intel. Bad thing was that her chatter replaced Joker's chatter from the old times – the times that had only been three days ago for her, but two years for the rest of the world. Joker remained silent in her earpiece. She missed him terribly, but she took solace in knowing that he was monitoring the mission feed just as always.

Zaeed's appearance right at the dock made Jo's search for a second team member easy. She waited until he killed his prisoner, then warned him right away that she wasn't working with Cerberus and couldn't pay him anything out of her own pocket, but she was fine with him taking what money Cerberus had promised him, as long as he stayed loyal to her during their mission. In turn he asked her if she'd help him with Vido Santiago and promised his help when she said she'd do it. She was actually surprised how easy she got a new team member, despite being apart form Cerberus.

Then there was Aria. Oh, she was quite something. Queen? As much a queen as Miranda was cute. Jo hated Aria on sight, but it was a different kind of hate. Aria was competition. Jo was the original badass, and the asari bitch thought something similar about herself. For now Jo let it go, but she knew: one day there would be a death match between them, as the galaxy wasn't big enough for them both. Joker would love to take pictures.

They found Mordin easily enough and persuaded him just as easily to join them. Jo's confidence in her people skill was returning. After she'd been seeing insects and microbes instead of people for a while after waking up and later on caught herself moments before she'd rip someone's throat out for no reason, she didn't think she was still any good at persuading and leading. Apparently talent never died.

When Mordin was settled in, they went to get Archangel. Jo electrocuted Cathka without a moment's pause before heading towards the bridge. Her guts were churning like there was something interesting waiting for her ahead. She didn't fail to notice how a bullet grazed her shields. One single bullet on the shields. Whoever he was, he wasn't trying to kill her. Instead he dropped everyone else around them. He was incredibly good, but the slow rhythm of his sniper rifle's song revealed to her that he was really, really tired already. Jo walked into the den, never thinking about her companions anymore. If they wanted to live, they would have to keep up with her. Then she saw him. A tall turian with a sniper rifle. Her stomach flipped. He held up a hand signalling her to wait a moment and she knew. She knew.

"Garrus," she sighed, when he took off his helmet. The full force of his presence hit her like a charging krogan. Her turian brother. Her soul mate. The one man she loved above and beyond all conditions, who'd give her anything, like she'd give him anything. It felt like her soul had been scattered in small pieces when she'd died, coming back in parts with each old friend she was meeting now, but Garrus wasn't keeping a small part of her. He was keeping a huge one. His new name, Archangel, was more than fitting. He was her perfect warrior angel, always watching out for her, always taking care of her. If she ever had a personal hero, Garrus was it. She crossed the distance and hugged him tightly, leaning her forehead against his. "Garrus, it's you."

"Shepard, I thought you were dead," he said. All those lessons he used to give her on turian expressions came rushing back. In human terms, he was close to tears, as he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. Their armour was in the way, but neither cared. "It's really you. I thought I was hallucinating there for a while."

Jo could not deny that she'd prefer Joker to be the one to catch her now that she was falling into an abyss, but Garrus was the one who didn't hesitate a second, he was there for her unconditionally. Perhaps it was easier for him – he wasn't in love with her. They stood there, hugging, for a few very long moments. Being there for each other in the moment of deepest despair. Catching each other. Helping each other. The whole galaxy could throw punches at the two of them, but they would always stand strong, stand fast, stand together. At this minute there was no greater treasure to her than his life and she swore to destroy the whole of Omega if need be to get him to safety from this god-forsaken house filled with body bags.

Garrus let go of her and gave her a long look.

"Forgive me, but you look like hell."

"And don't I know it…" They talked for a while, exchanging news, and Jo marvelled at her clear mind and lightness of heart in his presence. The agony receded a little to give way to the love Jo felt for this guy. But the mercs weren't sleeping and soon enough they had to fight again. And when she thought it was almost over, suddenly everything went to hell. Garrus took a rocket in his face. The sight of his body on the floor turned her back to an angel of death on a moment's notice. She didn't bother with cover, just roared her fury and emptied all her arsenal into the fucking gunship. It went down in a satisfying explosion, but Jo's mind was concentrated on saving Garrus' life for a long while after that. She carried him to a cab. Either he was lighter than two years ago, or her Cerberus implants really kicked ass. The crew scattered through the CIC when Jo carried him inside the ship, his blood streaming down her body onto the pristine floor. She must have been wearing a death mask. An hour later she stood like a marble statue next to the med bay door, waiting for the surgery to end. As long as it was going on, he was still alive, right?

"Commander?" Someone tugged her at her shoulder plating. She was still in her armour, covered in blood. "Commander, you're bleeding."

Jo turned around. It was Ken. He and Gabby came up here to see what the commotion was all about. When Jo realised what he was saying, she looked down at herself. Indeed, her left arm was bleeding heavily. With the same absent expression she took the armour pieces off her arm and looked at the wound. The bullet still sat deep in her bicep. Jo saw that Ken still wore his tool belt, and pointed at his pliers:

"Give me that."

"Commander, it's oily and dirty!"

She grabbed the tool from him and dug its tip into her flesh. Several loud hisses sounded across the mess hall. Everyone who was there wrinkled their noses. Jo felt none of it. She felt nothing at all except worry about Garrus. A minute later she gave the pliers and the bullet to Ken and forgot about his presence again. Everyone was walking quietly and carefully around her. The way she and Garrus met on Omega escaped nobody, either from the feed on Joker's console or from Jacob's and Zaeed's words, and the whole crew knew that they were close from old times. Nobody wanted to feel her wrath in case he died. They probably also couldn't believe in such a close relationship between a human and a turian.

And then he was out of it. Jo almost cried when she saw him again. Almost. She was too tired and spent for tears.

"Frankly, I'm more worried about you than me, Jo," he said quietly, coming close to her and looking her deep in the eyes. "I've heard bad things about Cerberus."

"Yeah, from me."

"Even more so in the last few years."

"That's why I'm glad to have you with me. I can't trust any of these guys, especially since I commandeered the ship last night, forbade them all contact with their Illusive Asshole leader, forcefully locked the bitch in her room and renounced all ties to Cerberus. I might find a bullet in my back any time here. I need at least someone on my side when I'm going into hell."

"You realise that it means me going into hell, too, right?" He teased.

"As long as we're together, Garrus, it'll be fine."

"Just like old times."

Jo gave Joker instructions to set course for the Citadel and asked Garrus to meet her in her cabin. She could see that he was still sore from his injuries by the way he carried himself.

"I'm so sorry I can't offer you any food or drink," she said. "Cerberus didn't order any dextro supplies."

"It's all right, Jo, I can wait for a few hours until we get to the Citadel," he accepted her invitation and sat next to her on the couch.

"I'm so glad you're here."

"Right back at you," he gently patted her bandaged arm.

"Tell me everything."

So, he started talking. About his Spectre training on the Citadel right after Sovereign's attack. About how he'd wished he went with her when the Normandy undocked that day, how he'd cursed himself afterwards for not having felt in his gizzard that he'd never see the ship again. He told her about the message that reached him during training, how he stood at the docks, waiting for the Alliance ship with the survivors to arrive, how his heart broke when Chakwas told him. He told her about the following investigation, which the Council was more than happy to end with a simple verdict: geth attack. He told her how furious, disillusioned he was then, how nothing made sense anymore, how he tried to tell them about the Reapers, but nobody would listen to him and threatened to terminate his Spectre training if he didn't shut up. That was when he parted ways with the Council and went to the Terminus Systems. He had no use for them anymore. He told her about long days and even longer nights watching news vids that mentioned her name less and less. How final it had seemed when they announced building a Shepard memorial on Akuze and using her own money for the Shepard scholarship on Earth. Then he told her the last chapter of his tale, starring Sidonis, merc leaders, body bags, bridge, and a little human blond girl in his scope.

Eventually they both fell silent for several long minutes. Jo looked at her oldest friend and shifted a little closer to him on the couch.

"You've changed," she said quietly. "A lot. You can't even look at me, but not because you don't want to see me, but because you don't want _me_ to see _you_. The last two days in that house changed you, Garrus, I can feel it. You're raw inside and it would be cruel of me to poke you any further. But I need you to know that when you're ready to tell me _everything_, I'll be here, I'll listen and I'll never judge."

He finally turned his head and looked her in the eye. She'd never know what he was looking for in her face, and if he'd found it. He got up quickly and turned towards the door. Then he reached into his pocket and tossed a little device at her.

"Do me a favour, don't turn it on until I'm gone," he said and headed for the exit. Jo looked at a small audio recorder in her hand. He could have sent her an audio file via his omnitool, but he was perfectly aware that all electronic communications on the ship were monitored and reported to Cerberus. Whatever was on that recorder, it was for her ears only. Or no ears at all.

Her own hell forgotten for the time being, she tucked the device away and waited for an hour until all the techies would leave for dinner, then headed to the engine room. There, with the drive core pulsing and flashing right above her head, she held the recorder to her ear and pushed the button.

"Just when I think they've run out of bodies to throw at me, the reinforcements arrive," Garrus' voice spoke through sounds of battle. "This looks like the end of the run. Garrus Vakarian's last stand." Jo swallowed hard. He'd recorded this in that house, probably minutes before she arrived. "If this _is_ the end, then this recording you're now hearing is my final reckoning. I'm setting things straight. Because when Omega gangs tell this story, it will all be _lies_, propaganda they use against anyone who dares stand up against their lawlessness. I can't let that happen. Everything I've done here – everything I've stood for – began long before I came to this damn station. It all started in a hospital room."

Jo listened to the recording for a long time. His words about his father, his work and trouble at C-Sec, his own tired amusement at the tantrums he'd thrown back then. Resignation in his tone that came with a horrific, bitter realisation that his father was right about so many things he hadn't wanted to believe, and that he'd never get a chance to set things straight with him. He knew he was going to die there eventually, regretting that the truth had come so late to him. He'd been focused on details instead of seeing the bigger picture.

At some point Jo had a feeling he'd forgotten that he was recording himself. The call to his father was right there, probably unintended. Jo heard the other turian's voice for the first time. She wondered if she'd ever meet him in person.

In the end, when the recording ended with Garrus telling his father that the odds just got a lot better and she realised he was talking about her, Jo swallowed a big lump in her throat. Her little brother had grown up in the last two days alone. To admit that one's parents were right all along was a sure sign of that. He learned the devastation of betrayal, the bitter taste of truth, he'd been crushed and broken and Jo arrived at the last minute to pick up the pieces. He was no longer the same wide-eyed young man who asked for her advice two years ago. He knew now what she'd known for years. The pain of crushed dreams, the injustice, the helplessness and the bitterness that came with the realisation that he couldn't change the whole world to his liking. This new Garrus was her true equal now. And as he was her soul's keeper, she was his. Jo knew that no matter how much she was hurting, she would be there for him while he was dealing with his pain. That was why they were soul mates. She'd give him anything he needed, if he asked for it or not, without wanting anything in return. As he was stepping into this new world of adulthood, she would show him he wasn't alone and not everything was lost. They would always have each other.

Jo crushed the recorder in her hand and tossed the parts into the incinerator on her way back to her room. Nobody else ever needed to hear this. She would keep his open heart for him in her mind, word for word.

They arrived on the Citadel and got swept by a wave of activity. She spoke to Kasumi, made the same deal with her as with Zaeed, had Bailey fix her MIA problem, went to see Anderson and had a chance to speak to the Council. She'd spent a minute collecting her thoughts before that meeting. There was no way in the world she would show any of them her weakness, the pain clawing at the walls in her mind. She had it firmly under control, now that Garrus was back with her, and she could talk to the Council like she was just a regular person. There was no reason to cut ties with them. She remained polite and they reinstated her as a Spectre. Keeping to the Terminus Systems – was that a form of banishment? They had to realise, of course, that she would always do what she wanted and needed to do, no matter where they wanted her to stay. But she agreed. Being her own boss was good, but she was not dead set on being a rogue lawless captain lost somewhere between pirates, mercs and backwater planets. If there was one authority she was fine with having above her, it was the Council. Jo remembered that she served the people, and even though she had little faith in the Alliance anymore, she still believed in the Council Space. Being a Spectre again, even if only nominally, would keep her on the right track.

After the Council disappeared and Udina left, Jo and Anderson leaned together on the railing of the balcony. She asked him about his new position as the human Councillor, about how life was treating him, and finally about her former crew mates.

"I can't tell you that, Shepard, even though the Council reinstated you as a Spectre, and even after Admiral Hackett reinstates you in the Alliance, it's still classified information."

"Whoa," she held up a hand. "Nobody asked anyone to reinstate me in the Alliance."

This got his full attention.

"Why, Shepard, you don't want to return to Alliance? You have your whole career before you. Or have you really turned to Cerberus?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Anderson," she laughed. "I can't return, nor do I want to."

"Why?"

"I died. My Alliance career was in another lifetime. Even being a Spectre now is just a crutch to open me some doors. We both know that the galaxy is in big danger. What does it matter if I wear dog tags, if I'm the one to save all of it?"

"So you're just quitting?"

"Come on, Anderson, you know Hackett and I have been butting heads for years. You must have realised that my faith in the Alliance isn't what it used to be. It's time for me to do things my own way."

"Being an Alliance officer opens even more doors for you, you know it."

"I'm not returning, no matter what."

"Why?"

He looked at her intensely because he knew that her troubles with the brass were not all there was to her refusal. He knew her well. Jo slowly took the earpiece out of her ear and disconnected it.

"Because I'm in love with my pilot," she said. Anderson looked at the device in her hands, then back at her face.

"Joker?"

"Mhm."

He chuckled. Jo could see in his face that he reverted back a few years, to the one week in his life that he'd been the first Normandy's Captain, Joker his pilot, and she his XO. They had been sort of his children back then. Even now he cared for them all as deeply.

"The most unlikely combination," he said, and Jo cooled down a notch. If he thought Joker was not the right person for her, then he didn't know her quite so well. "So, are you lovers already?"

"No, he doesn't even know yet. But in foresight I can't return to the Alliance and make him face the frat regs for no reason."

"Frat regs _are_ there for a reason, Shepard. It doesn't really matter if you're Alliance or not. You are his commanding officer, an informal relationship might cause trouble."

"Like what? I might tell him something he's not supposed to know? It's a little late for that. He's always on the other end of this," she pointed at the comm.

"And what about the day when you get in mortal danger? What if he risks the ship and everyone on her to save you?"

"Like the day we defeated Saren and Sovereign? Like the day he pulled my ass out of a volcano? Like the day he dropped me in a mako onto a 20 meter patch? Like the day the ship was attacked and he saved most of the crew by sacrificing himself?"

"Shepard, I can't believe I'm really telling you all this. You should know better, damn, you do know better. I always wondered how you're the only soldier who wouldn't mess with the fraternisation rules. Everybody else always does, but not you. And now you're standing here, telling me wise tales about how they don't apply to you?"

"Nothing really applies to me anymore. I'm a dead woman walking. I'm living a second chance I was not supposed to have, and I see in front of me a chance to be happier than I've ever been in my original lifetime. Are you seriously standing here and telling me that I have to follow some stupid rules, when the galaxy is about to go under? You know, I have more important things to worry about than regs. When the Reapers knock on my door, I don't plan to be the one regretting that I followed some idiotic regs when I could have lived my last days happily. I plan to live this gift of a second life like I was too scared to live my first. And as far as I'm concerned, my ties to the Alliance are all in that past life. You and Hackett have to make it official. If you want my resignation, I'll send you one."

"Well, if you're not an Alliance officer, then there is no way I could tell you where Alenko is."

"Hm, Joker versus Alenko. Done deal."

Anderson shook his head in disappointment. She knew that as an old soldier he would disapprove of her decisions. But at the end of the day he was not her father, nor did she need one right now. She had been looking after herself and other people for many years now, making her own decisions. She knew what she felt was right, and no amount of disapproval from this man mattered.

She put the earpiece back into her ear and turned it on.

"See you around, Anderson," she said and left.

She hadn't given anyone shore leave. The Normandy was docked with all the crew on board. Zaeed and Garrus were accompanying her to the Citadel, but after the visit to the Presidium Zaeed said he had some business to attend to. She had nothing else planned, so she let him go and gave him her omnitool bracelet and her earpiece.

"Take that with you, please," she said to him. The elder man didn't ask why. He was smart enough to see the situation clearly, even though he'd been with her for only a day. The whole ship was created to spy on her and she needed some privacy. He took her hardware and left.

"Join me for a drink?" Jo asked Garrus. They went to the Dark Star Lounge and sat down in a quiet corner. "I listened to your recording."

"I figured."

"I destroyed it afterwards, just so you don't wonder what happened to it."

"Good."

"Garrus, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I should have seen it coming, Jo. You heard it. I should have seen it when my team started thinking about life after the fighting. It was my first warning sign. Instead I pushed them harder. I lost all my team except Sidonis on Omega. One day I'll find him and correct that."

"Or not."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not my right to tell you to forgive. Spirits know I'm killing people I don't like left and right. But when you do find him, please, come to me? We'll deal with it together. I know this is very personal to you and the way you deal with it will define you forever."

He looked at his drink in silence.

"The thing about betrayal is that you never see it coming," she continued. "Enemies are easy. Take Saren: he couldn't possibly betray me because he was my enemy and was honest in it by fighting me. Betrayal is by definition not something you expect. We've all had to deal with it at some point. We all lost someone to it."

"I lost ten people under my command, Jo. They were my friends. How can I go on?"

"I can't believe you just said that to me, Garrus," she shook her head earnestly. He looked at her with surprise, then rubbed his forehead awkwardly:

"Akuze. Sorry, I didn't think of that. You lost fifty people because the Alliance betrayed you."

"Forty nine people, but yes, you see now that I know how you feel."

"And you came back stronger than before."

"And so will you."

"How do you know?"

"Because I believe in you. Because you're my best friend and I don't call unworthy people my friends."

"Can you honestly sit there and tell me that it's going to be all right?" He sounded incredulous. Jo nodded with all the conviction of N7 Lieutenant Commander Spectre Johanna Shepard:

"It's all going to be fine, Garrus."

One didn't have to be a turian expert to see the depth of emotion in his eyes.

"Did you tell your father that you're alive?" Jo asked.

"No, not yet."

"Do it today, or I will. Should we head to Palaven?"

"No, Jo, it's all right. I'll talk to him some other time."

"That's up to you. I have no idea how to deal with parents, I'm no help there. By the way, as I was running around Omega, I cracked every safe I could and took all the money I could. I took some from your apartment. Give me your contacts and I'll send it back to you."

"Thank you, Jo, for everything. You're the greatest friend anyone could ever have."

"Just wait until I load _my_ problems on you."

"Apropos. It's your turn now. Tell me everything."

"I died, Garrus. With all the consequences."

"How was it?"

"Dying – beautiful. Coming back not so much."

"Hm. You're not telling me everything, Jo. But I'll be here when you're ready."

"Cerberus needs to die for what they did."

"Couldn't agree more."

"I have to organise a lot of things today, Garrus. Go back to the ship and make yourself familiar with it. Guess who's my new XO?"

"I'll start a sweep across the ship, then. I already found seven hidden cameras and nine listening devices around the Main Battery and the dorm."

She nodded. He went back to the ship, still favouring one side of his body, while she remained to wait for Zaeed and do some of her own business.


	17. Kind of spooky

When Garrus left, Jo went shopping. First, she bought herself a new omnitool. She had no doubt that everything Cerberus had given her was made to spy on her, especially her electronic communication devices. At least this one would be clean for a while.

Then she sat down in a café in the shopping zone and began all the filework that needed to be done to start a new life. The Council kept their word and reinstated her as a Spectre and before they told her she couldn't, she registered the Normandy as a war trophy that she kept as her own means of transportation. The Spectre funds were not quite as much as what the Asshole sent her way after Freedom's Progress, but at least they secured her crew's stable pay. If she needed anything extra, she would have to work for it. Normandy upgrades, armour and weaponry – she'd have to pay for that, but she could deal with it as long as her people were secured.

She contacted the N7 contractors for an updated model of her armour. She didn't trust the Cerberus copy of it, she needed and wanted the original. Their immediate confirmation felt like a balm on her wounds. She may have issues with the Alliance in general, but the N7 program was the one part of it she still respected and believed in. They made no distinctions regarding their operatives. Once an N7, always an N7.

Good food for all species present, her favourite apricot shampoo, Serrice ice brandy for Karin, new uniforms for the entire crew, a few supplies and upgrades – and the Cerberus money was almost gone. None of the crew resigned despite her initial offer to let those members go in peace who didn't like her renouncing the Asshole, so she needed to clean house, too. She let go of some hardcore Cerberus people and hired a few security officers, including a woman who would guard Miranda without getting distracted by her 'perfect' ass and a relief pilot that Cerberus for some reason forgot in the beginning.

Zaeed found her after completing his own business and returned her earpiece. He wasn't even surprised to see she had a new omnitool.

"What happened to the old one?" She asked him as they made their way back to the docks.

"Tossed it into a tank with acid."

"You knew I wouldn't need it?"

"I may only have one eye left, but I still see clear enough, Shepard. Cerberus wants to control you. Would be a damn shame if they succeeded."

"Is that a compliment?" She almost smiled.

"Take it any way you like, doll."

Jo was pretty sure that she'd kill anyone else who'd dare to call her doll. Except Joker, probably.

When everyone went to sleep that night, they were no longer tied to Cerberus in any official way. All that remained was a cosmetic issue. Next morning Jo ordered every person on the ship to the conference room. Miranda was escorted by her new guards, wearing handcuffs.

"As of last night we no longer have any official ties to the Asshole or to Cerberus," she declared without preamble. They already knew that. "Today we are addressing the final issue before we go on our mission. The Cerberus logo. We will return to the Citadel in a week to pick up our new uniforms that I ordered for us last night. Within an hour from now a Citadel repair crew will arrive and give our hull a new paintjob. The Cerberus logo is going to be painted over. We'll need a day for the paint seal to grip, so we're staying docked for twenty hours starting now. In this time I want every technician to hit our software and kill every single Cerberus logo anywhere inside our computers. EDI will be responsible for that. While the technicians are on it, the rest of you will grab the paint and tools you'll find in the cargo bay and paint over every single Cerberus logo on the ship, scrub the walls, seats, crates, everything. In that time Joker, prepare a course for Hourglass Nebula. Jacob, inspect the Spectre weapon shipment that is going to arrive this morning and give me full report on what we have. One final announcement: Garrus Vakarian is now my official XO. Jacob's status is overruled. What Garrus says goes as if it came directly from me. Questions?"

None came and she let them go do their jobs. Her own cabin needed to be cleansed just like the rest of the ship and Jo decided to do two jobs at once. She stopped at Engineering and asked Gabby to help her with the cleaning.

"Are you sure, Commander? I thought we were supposed to be purging the systems of that logo."

"EDI could probably do it by herself in a nano-second, she's just playing coy."

"I assure you, I do not play coy," EDI said.

"Then go on and do it."

"You really are an intense woman," Gabby said when they were in the captain's quarters.

"So everyone keeps telling me. Disappointed or encouraged?"

"You do a great job, Commander, and I'll follow you wherever you go. Ken and I are committed to your cause."

"You don't have to give inspirational speeches to me of all people, Gabby," Jo chuckled. "Well, let's get to it. I take the bathroom, and you can start with the monitors on my desk."

Jo forced herself into a conversation with the young woman. She needed to start building relationships with the crew she didn't know yet, and so far Gabby was the most bearable option of all. Jo forced herself because conversation of any kind took its toll on the grip she tried to maintain on the agony and voices, but she needed to try. Connecting with people was the only way to survive. And sucking all power out of Joker was not an option – she was not going to become an energy vampire to the man she loved.

After a while she realised she didn't mind Gabby so much. She was very nice, highly intelligent, highly capable and talented, and most importantly – she had real gumption. Of course, she was not the kind of fighter to take up a rifle and go shooting people for what she believed in, but she knew the importance of her work on the ship and wouldn't let anyone tell her otherwise. Jo respected that. They ended up talking about tech, and Jo realised that in her past life, in all those months she was a Spectre, she'd neglected self-education. She'd been happy then, no matter what was going on in the world, she'd had her perfect life. Now Jo was looking at another sleepless night in her cabin, alone and in pain, unable to keep the screaming at bay, unable to distract herself, unable to rest. Reading a book or two didn't seem like a bad idea. Gabby was more than happy to recommend Jo a few good tech books.

* * *

Compared to the dull routine of the last two years, things started to move with amazing speed with Shepard's reappearance. Joker had already taken his new baby from the capital of the Terminus Systems to the capital of Council Space, lost his Cerberus status, became a Council employee, explored all the new features of ground mission monitoring and declared a full scale war on the Thing. He couldn't shake the feeling that it was constantly watching him. Well, technically it was. Childish or not, he smeared grease on the Thing's cameras in the cockpit. In return it messed up the settings on his chair and deleted all his extranet bookmarks. It was teasing him all the time and he had a sickening suspicion that it was enjoying itself immensely. It still refused to let him into the security system and Joker begrudgingly had to admit defeat. No matter how intelligent and skilful he was, hacking a self-aware AI was probably beyond him at the moment. Sure, he could have taken the matter directly to the AI core with some advanced instruments and bypassing protocols, but then he would have to explain to everyone what he was doing. He let the issue be for the time being.

Ever since the day Shepard asked him if he would always flinch if she touched him, she'd stayed away from the cockpit. He saw her in passing when she headed out or in, or he heard her voice from the CIC, or he monitored the ground missions. That was it. After they left the Citadel again to go recruit Jack, they had almost three days to go and he hadn't seen Shepard in all that time. His shift began an hour earlier than hers (she personally appointed those times when she took over the Normandy) and he avoided dinner times with everybody.

He did listen to scuttlebutt, however. The girls whispering to each other after the lights went off in the dorm every night made sure everybody listened to scuttlebutt. At least they remained silent and let everyone else sleep in peace when Garrus was there – perhaps one good thing came out of Cerberus' xenophobia. But Garrus wasn't always there. Joker overheard that he was spending a lot of time talking to Shepard.

Every conversation on the ship seemed to revolve around Shepard right now. She was a legend to all these people, hero to many. They really couldn't have enough of talking about her. She was a lot quieter and calmer now than on her first day, didn't seem like a demon, but rather like a boringly normal captain. She spent several hours in Kasumi's room looking at books and paintings. She ate her every meal in the mess hall with everyone else, unlike most other COs they knew. She drank with Dr. Chakwas the other day but didn't even look tipsy when the doctor already snored away. She played Skyllian-five poker with Ken and Gabby and graciously relieved them of all their money. She sat all morning with Zaeed in the mess hall, listening to his stories with interest (her interest seemed very important to Kelly). She spent all afternoon with the techies making some changes in the cargo bay. Joker was surprised to hear that. The elevator stop in the cargo bay wasn't even available to most of the crew at the beginning, its lowest stop was Engineering. Only the tech team was allowed into the actual cargo bay for shuttle repairs, and the security officers who oversaw deliveries. Joker made a trip there to find out that the deck was now indeed available to everyone and the machinery was covered up. There was some room on the left now for sparring, a row of crates in the back with targets so small he could barely see them, and a small gym on the right. Joker knew that Dr. Chakwas would send him down there soon enough to make sure he kept exercising after his surgery.

Joker also heard that Garrus was putting fire under the techies in his quest to find every Cerberus spying device on the ship and already had a whole crate full of them. The turian took his new duties as XO very seriously and Joker saw a lot of him. Shepard however only seemed to exist in stories on the ship. Joker was fine with that. Really. She was the CO and he the pilot. What did they have to talk about? He knew that seeing her, being in the same room with her would make him feel things he really didn't want to feel. He needed to sort out his own head before he could deal with her.

Sure, he'd been worried about her when Garrus took a rocket in the face, but ever since the turian was out of surgery that day they seemed inseparable. So Joker stayed away. He'd seen the way they met on Omega. She'd fallen into Garrus' arms like he was the one she'd hungered to see all along. Joker thought: whatever. He didn't care. It was none of his business how much time they were spending together. He had his own life and he couldn't care less about Shepard's private affairs. Really.

Still, it irked him a little that the two of them often turned off their earpieces when they talked. What were they talking about? She used to trust him, Joker, with everything, she used to always keep her earpiece on, letting him spy on her through this official channel wherever she went. Was she keeping secrets from him now?

Why did that bother him so much?

He realised that his mood swung every few minutes, like a pregnant woman's, and he hated that. One minute he cared, the next one he didn't. What he really needed to do was deal with his own shit first. It was better to stay away from Shepard until he did.

He occupied himself by training his new relief pilot. Shepard had hired Hadley without consulting him, and he almost gave her an earful for that, but the guy's résumé did look impressive.

"It's such an honour to be a part of the Normandy crew," Hadley was saying to him on their last relay jump to the Purgatory. "You've been here from the beginning, isn't that true?"

"Eyes on the console, helmsman," Joker snapped. "If the Commander catches you sucking up, you'll be off this ship before you can say Reaper."

"Come on, you must have the craziest stories to tell!"

"There are times for stories," Garrus said, coming up from behind them. "And there are times for pilot stew. Come on, impress us, Mr. Hadley."

"Yes, Sir."

"Don't tell me," Joker grinned. "You've never had a turian XO either?"

"Uh, no."

"ETA at the relay: twelve minutes. Show me what you can do. She's yours," he took his hands off his console and Hadley took over. The approach vector was within acceptable parameters and the ship made the transit smoothly. Of course, Joker knew he would have done it better and with more style, but it was good enough.

Once they arrived on the other side, the intercom beeped.

"Joker, is everything all right down there?" Shepard asked with a little concern.

"Yes, Commander, all good. Just seeing what the rookie can do."

"Ah, I see. Carry on." She disconnected.

"What was that all about?" Hadley asked.

"She can feel it with her ass when I'm not the one flying. She's that good."

"The Commander is kind of spooky, isn't she?"

Garrus and Joker exchanged glances and said together:

"You have no idea."

"Well, you can handle the rest of the shift and I am under doctor's orders to get some sleep," Joker said. "If anything happens, anything at all, wake me up."

"I have been flying ships for almost ten years, just so you know."

"You've never flown the Normandy. I'll be here for a report at 07:00."

In hindsight, the comment about Shepard being spooky felt like a bad omen. When they arrived at the Purgatory, Shepard took Garrus and Zaeed with her, expecting the worst from even a simple pickup, and he leaned back to watch the feed. Two years ago he had video and audio, as long as the communications weren't blocked by some interference. Now he had a more stable connection, biometric readings from each battle suit and several cameras on each combatant, the feed from which was calculated into a 3D battlefield environment simulation on a separate screen with coloured dots for friend and foe. While each of them only saw what was in front of them, he saw the battlefield from all directions, like a god. Now he could give them better directions than ever before. This feature and the general curiosity about Shepard gathered a whole crowd of spectators around him as soon as the fighting started. Joker looked forward to this fight, too. When Shepard and Vakarian worked together, it was like a symphony.

Only this time it seemed very off key. Joker was not a trained marine, but he'd watched enough mission feed starring Shepard to know that something was off. While Zaeed and Garrus maintained a regular pattern of taking cover and working through their targets, Shepard didn't bother. She slammed incendiary rounds into her rifle and walked on like an unstoppable tank, never even taking cover. She didn't just kill her targets with a few well-placed shots, like in the past. She made them scream in agony as they burned up. She stomped on skulls, ripped arms and legs off and even impaled some poor sod on the muzzle of his own rifle. She didn't even bother to look back and see if her companions were fine. It was a whole new kind of music: a bloody symphony with only one soloist. In all that time her heartbeat was slower than normal, breathing even, brain activity reduced.

Joker looked at the red and blue spectacle with a frown. This was not his Shepard. He almost wished he'd looked away when she finally got her hands on Kuril. She deliberately kept him alive until she reached him. Then she grabbed his head and ripped it off in one smooth tug. Joker gagged. He'd seen her do a lot of things that would turn a lesser man's stomach, and even now he wasn't queasy because of all the blood. Rather he was sick from knowing what had become of her. Commander Shepard used to be brutal, but never cruel. The woman on his screens now was beyond all that, she had gone over the edge.

She stood there in silence for a few moments, looking at the turian head in her hands, as the blue blood streamed down the front of her armour, until Garrus and Zaeed caught up with her. She flinched when Garrus touched her arm, let Kuril's head fall and walked away silently.

They found Jack and the mission was over. But not for him. He shooed away all the spectators and sat still, lost in thought for a long time. Was this the new Shepard? He hadn't believed that she would kill Miranda on that first day, but he could see now that he'd been wrong. She was truly about to murder the dark-haired woman. She'd always joked about being a ruthless murderer in the past and it was always funny because whatever she was, Commander Shepard was not a ruthless murderer. Well, she was now. Truthfully, she scared him a little. A little? Hell, what he saw on Purgatory scared him more than seeing his Normandy destroyed. He didn't know if he could handle this new Shepard.

* * *

Jack had realised that they had information about her from Cerberus, so she threw a tantrum. Jo let her know who the alpha female was here, then graciously gave her access to any Cerberus intel she wanted on the ship. But that was the ending of the mission. The beginning and the middle of the whole thing were lost in a bloody haze. Zaeed didn't know her well enough to notice how off her fighting was, but Garrus was the guy to see everything. So, as Jack settled in the belly of the ship, Garrus asked Jo for a private word. He led her to the Main Battery and almost forcefully put her on a crate in the corner.

"There is no bullshit between you and me, Jo," he said seriously. "So when I ask you a question, you'll answer me truthfully, all right?"

"Yes."

"How are you?"

She looked up at him, tried to think. Garrus sat down on the floor in front of her and looked her attentively in the eyes.

"You went ballistic on that prison ship. No, not even ballistic. You went nuclear. I've never seen you so… evil, when he announced he wanted to capture you. And what you did to those guards, Jo, it was beyond anything I've ever seen you do. And I've seen a lot. And through all that you're not bothering to take cover anymore? Do you not care if you live of die? Tell me, what's going on with you? What happened to you? What did Cerberus do?"

Jo looked down at her hands.

"I'm fucked up, Garrus. Really fucked up. You should have seen me the day I woke up, I was a death angel, planning all the ways I would torture, dismember, skin, flail, disembowel Miranda, Jacob and the Asshole, I wanted to rip their hearts out and eat them while they were watching. I'm in constant agony, in my head there is constant hell raging, screams of torture, pain, death… I can't tune it out. All I can do is distract myself and try my best to keep a hold on it, because if I let loose for even a moment, I'll go all vengeful fury mated with torture machine on people around me. That's what happened to me down there. I got angry, and I let the hell take over for a while. I haven't slept even for a second since they resurrected me. I'm not hungry, so I force food down my throat. It's easier when I distract myself, but in the nights when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm screaming my lungs out into my pillow. It's eating away at me. I don't know if I can beat it. I don't feel much of anything other than the need to take my rage out on someone, I don't really care who it is anymore. You have no idea how much it takes for me to keep it together. I'm tough, but this is beyond my toughness."

"Oh, Jo," Garrus sighed, took her hands in his and lowered his head to touch his forehead against her knuckles. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Maybe. I don't know, there is no handbook for this. But I do love you, you're my family, my pretty much only family, and when I think of that, when you're near me, I feel a little less enraged, I can get a better grip on the hell in my head, so the best and only thing you can do to help is just be here, be my brother."

"I'll always be here, Jo, no matter what happens to you. You can always count on me. If you need my strength – take it."

She nodded listlessly. He asked:

"Am I the only one who you feel better around? Because it's sure better if you had several people, it might help you sooner."

"Well, it's just people I already know. You, Tali, Joker, Chakwas."

"Tali? You met Tali?"

"Yeah, for a brief moment on a little recon mission before I got this ship. She headed back to the Migrant Fleet."

"So that's why you keep hanging around medbay so much? Why not the cockpit? You used to spend an awful lot of time there back in the day."

"Joker has his own demons to fight. He's here to work with me, but he made it clear he isn't comfortable with me being around him, so I'm not forcing the issue."  
"Really," Garrus said thoughtfully.

* * *

Joker set course for the Eagle Nebula to pick up their new resident krogan. It was late in the evening, only the night shift was at work, but he was still in his seat. The mission on Purgatory just wouldn't let him be. Who was this woman that looked like his Shepard? Sometimes she was just like her old self, but sometimes…

"You really are a spoiled, selfish brat," a two-layered voice sounded from behind him and it took him a moment to realise that Garrus was actually talking to him.

"Excuse you?!" He spun his seat around. "A week on the job and already an ass?"

"Why are you treating Shepard like that?" Garrus fixed him with a deadly stare. Joker was pretty sure he had no idea what the turian was talking about, but Garrus was not known for pranks or false accusations.

"Like what? What did I do?"

"In the moment when she needs her best and oldest friends the most, you turn your back on her. Why are you back under her command if you can't stand being around her?"

"That is none of your business," Joker locked that door in his mind and swore never to open it. He turned his seat around, but the next moment it was forcefully jerked again to make him face Garrus. The turian had his fingers on his omnitool. Damn his new XO access to all ship's systems. "Look, she's not the same Shepard. I don't know if you've noticed, but she's different. Brutal. Evil. She kinda scares me and I'm not ashamed to admit it."

Garrus shook his head with what suspiciously looked like disappointment.

"You're the guy with the access to the security cameras," he said calmer. "How did you miss what's _really_ going on with Shepard?"

"Mr. Moreau doesn't have the necessary clearance to access the security footage," the Thing spoke up. Joker only pointed at the blue orb and shrugged. He'd tried to get in but couldn't.

"EDI, I'm giving Mr. Moreau the Level Two clearance," Garrus said, surprising Joker. "Have a look. Main Battery, two hours ago."

With that he turned around and left. Joker was silent for a while, trying to make sense of what just happened. His brain was so confused that his first question was:

"EDI, what is Level Two?"

"There are three levels of access to the security system footage, Mr. Moreau," the voice said. "Level Three gives access to cameras in the CIC, comm room, mess hall, corridors, elevator and cargo bay. It is available to Mr. Taylor and Ms. Chambers. Level Two gives access to all cameras on the ship except those installed in the bathrooms and in Commander's private quarters. It is available to you and Mr. Vakarian. Level One access, previously also available to Ms. Lawson but now only to Commander Shepard, gives access to each and every security camera on the ship."

"So, uhm," he chose to ignore the fact that there were cameras in the showers. "Show me what Garrus meant. Main Battery, two hours ago."

Ten minutes later he was sick all over again and his hands shook like the day Shepard returned from the dead. He really was a spoiled, selfish brat. How could he have missed the signs? Oh, he knew how. He'd been too absorbed in his own little drama to notice that his Shepard was there all along, crying for help and getting none.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Brainless idiot. Fool. She believed that he didn't want to be around her. Garrus was right: he didn't deserve to call himself her friend anymore. He thought he was hurt and betrayed by her nonchalant reappearance from the dead that day, but now he could see how much it had cost her to keep herself together. How much it was still costing her, every minute of every day. And he, the one who prided himself on knowing the real Shepard beneath all masks, had missed the most obvious signs that she was anything but nonchalant. He added more hurt to her pain.

She used to trust him with everything and he pushed her away. He had been so absorbed into his own world that he missed her cry for help. She tried, she really did try to reach out, but he flinched at her touch, treated her with silence and ignored what she had to say. He could only imagine now what kind of effort she had to make to appear normal. He'd seen her turn full scale vengeful fury on Purgatory that morning and it sickened him to imagine just how much willpower it took her to constantly keep it under control.

But she was making the effort. For him, for Garrus, for all of them, one second after another, unless someone stupid like Kelly or Miranda poked her a little too deep. So… She wasn't the same old Shepard. She didn't come back like nothing was the matter, like everything was fine. Nothing was fine, as a matter of fact, but that was okay with Joker. She was affected, which made her human, normal, approachable. He could relate to pain and agony. He couldn't stand the thought of a calm, balanced Shepard after death and resurrection. That would have been too creepy, not human. That was what he'd seen all these days because he'd been too stupid to look deeper.

He couldn't curse himself enough. All those months of serving under her on the first Normandy he was collecting information on her. Facts were easy – hack long enough through firewalls and you'll find even her bra size. Character traits were harder – she'd shown a different Shepard to everyone and it was hard to pinpoint what combined them all. But what he'd really been after were things nobody ever knew. All the little things he learned and kept as his own little secret. How young she looked without mascara. How soft her hair was. How much she looked like a cat when she fell asleep in a chair.

He'd prided himself on knowing more about Johanna Shepard than anyone in the galaxy. That pride cost him dearly today. He thought he knew better than doubting what he saw. He believed he could see everything. It never occurred to him that she'd tried – she did try! – but after being rejected simply gave him what he demanded. She left him alone. There was no other way around it: he betrayed her.

When he went to the dorm that night, everyone else was already asleep. Garrus wasn't there. Well, at least Joker knew now that there was no budding romance between the turian and the Commander. She saw him as her brother, her only family. Joker tossed and turned on his bunk, unable to stop the hurricane of thoughts. In the security video she mentioned that she hadn't slept at all since being resurrected. Was she awake right now, up in her cabin, alone, battling her demons? Did she need him, like she used to need him? He remembered all the times after difficult missions when she would come and sit with him, often in silence, and then thank him for great company. Did she need him like that again? The thought that she did twisted his guts in a painful knot. The idea that she might not ripped his heart out and stomped on it. He wanted her to need him again, now more than ever.

Had he driven her away? Was Garrus her closest confidant now? Why could she tell Garrus the truth, but not him? He almost felt betrayed again, but inwardly slapped himself. Stupid, stupid shit. This was not about him. And not even about her. This was about them. All of them. Old friends from the first Normandy who lived through this horror together. Why hadn't it ever occurred to him that Dr. Chakwas was also hurting, deep inside? What gave him the right to think he was the only one in agony after losing her? What about Wrex and Tali? Even Alenko? They all belonged together and they had to fight this together.

After all, she didn't die on purpose. She'd been killed, torn away from them by hostile action. She was not the enemy here. Dear Lord, she was not the enemy even though he'd treated her like one. A big lump in his throat threatened to choke him. She was the victim. The most innocent victim ever. He started thinking about what he could do to let her know he was there for her. Apologise? Ask for a private conversation? Yeah, right, how would that sound: Hey, Shepard, you know, if you want to cry on my shoulder, I won't flinch. He kept thinking deep into the night but didn't come up with any good solutions.


	18. Caress

The opportunity presented itself before Joker even knew what to do. That day Shepard first had him stop the ship to scan a few planets for resources, delaying their arrival by almost another day. Years ago he might have been surprised to see her personally do the scanning, one of the most boring, mundane operations he could imagine, but keeping in mind what he heard her say to Garrus yesterday he noticed her absent, stony face when she was busy with the probes. He could imagine that it was helping her soothe whatever demons were torturing her in her head.

She stood at the console for hours and even scared away Kelly, who'd tried to start a conversation. As he gently put the ship into orbit and out again for her, the rest of the crew had nothing to do. No urgent business, no preparations for a mission. Jacob had already polished her new missile launcher and all her armour, Mordin was singing in his lab, Garrus was lazily calibrating the main gun, Miranda behaved quite well in her solitary cell, Zaeed found grateful audience in Patel, Rolston and Mathews, Kasumi was invisible somewhere, Ken and Gabby were bickering in Engineering and Jack was reading. The calmness settled on the Normandy, the new routine kicked in.

After the scanning Shepard surprised everyone again by declaring a poker night in the mess hall. Attendance mandatory. On any other day he would have ignored the order and refused to go, but this was a chance to talk to Shepard without specifically asking for a conversation. So he went.

The quiet routine was affecting him, too. For the first time he acknowledged the fact that he could go somewhere, as in – walk somewhere, without making an awkward deal out of it. He'd been walking for a couple of months now since that Cerberus surgery, but never stopped to smell the roses until today. He no longer looked like an accident waiting to happen. No crutches, no other visible help. For all intents and purposes he was a regular guy with a limp. He'd never even told his parents and sister about this change in his life. They'd all be pissed at him for hiding it, he knew that. It was just harder than he thought to admit this kind of connection to Cerberus.

He did wonder how his old friends saw him now. Garrus? Did the turian even notice? And Shepard? He was no longer chair bound, and closer to looking like a man than a genderless cripple, so…

No, he preferred not to think about that. His legs were new, but confidence didn't come with the package. He hadn't had much time to test the limits of his new body yet, and thirty three years of being on the defensive about being the sickly kid with dreams way out of his league didn't just go away. In fact, that snarky, defensive part of him, which his mother always called porcupine, was raising its head again. He didn't need to be led by the hand to the playground to be forcibly introduced to other children. He was perfectly fine on his own. The fact that these other kids were Cerberus really didn't make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It was only in the mess hall that he realised that Cerberus forces on the ship were almost outweighed by non-Cerberus forces. Five new security officers, Chakwas, Garrus, Shepard, him, Mordin, Hadley, Jack, Kasumi and Zaeed against Jacob, Kelly, two navigators, a communications officer, EDI and Gardner, with Ken, Gabby and the whole bunch of techies pending somewhere between factions at the moment. He was in enemy territory no longer.

Shepard took care of entertainment. A biotiball match ran on the screen in the mess hall, plastic chips and a deck of cards were waiting for them, while Gardner was piling up mini-pizzas on a tray. A separate tray waited for Garrus. Next to them on the counter stood a box of ice cream and a plastic bag with honest to god paper-wrapped candy from Earth. He had no idea how Shepard had found these things on the Citadel, or why she would spend money on such luxuries, or even why she decided to dish them out today for no apparent reason, but she wore a content smile as she observed Gardner and that was reason enough for him.

When everyone settled down and the first game begun, Joker realised it looked a lot like those poker nights on the first Normandy, which he actually never attended personally. Only Alenko wasn't here to nag. Instead Jack made a late appearance with her colourful body and even more colourful vocabulary. Kasumi said outright that she'd never played poker without cheating, and Shepard was the only one brave enough to take her on. They ended up having a bloody poker battle for an hour, while the others kept betting on the winner. Kasumi had the advantage of a hood, so her game face wasn't even visible, but Shepard's perfectly open face was a masterpiece. Even people who weren't really into poker were captivated by the spectacle. Shepard never said so, but the crew finally realised that she was cheating as much as Kasumi, if not even more. Neither woman was ready to lose, and neither really had an advantage. One round would go for Shepard, another for the thief, always keeping their balance pretty even. In the end Shepard destroyed her masterpiece of a stony face with a smile and said:

"I think I'm neglecting everyone else, which is unforgivable for a host, so I'm out. For now."

Kasumi didn't do a victory dance. She knew that this battle could have gone either way.

"I'll be glad to play against you any time, Shep," she nodded.

That was when the company broke up into a number of small conversations. Joker observed Zaeed, Jacob and Ken loudly argue about the importance of live music in clubs, Jack biotically levitate Dr. Chakwas in her chair by just moving a finger, Garrus and the navigators re-enacting some battle scene from a war vid and Kelly annoying Gabby and Mordin. Shepard cruised the hall like a good host, participating in all conversations for a few minutes, then moving on. He knew he would be her last stop and he hoped to get a chance to talk to her, show her that he was trying to support her in whatever way he could.

* * *

Jo maneuvered herself to Joker's side. The whole point of this evening was to get him down here and spend some time in his presence, because he'd been ignoring and avoiding her ever since their first day on this ship. Frankly, she could only stay away from him so long, but the last thing she wanted was to crowd him. However, something was different about him today. He sat alone and carefully observed her. She hadn't expected to have so much of his undivided attention and wondered what he was thinking about, as he sat there, playing with a candy wrapper.

"What'cha doin?" she offered a smile, moving her chair closer.

"Nothing much," he gave her back a grin. That grin warmed her whole body. It was a good sign, right? Would he let her stay a little longer at his side? "Say, Commander, you have a good hand-to-eye coordination, right?"

"The best. Why?"

"I'm also known for how unbelievably good I am with my hands. Wanna little challenge?"

"A game?"

"Not really a game, just something I saw once, but never tried myself."

"Sounds vaguely dirty. Share."

"Goal is to make some origami figure out of a piece of paper. This wrapper will do, actually. Challenge is: we have to do it together, each using only one hand. Like my left and your right – to see how well we can coordinate."

Her heart melted right there.

"I'm game," she tried not to sound too eager.

"Well, then, scoot over." He beckoned her to move her chair even closer, until their legs were touching and her shoulder was right against his. "Wait, we better switch hands: my right and your left, so we don't have to twist our elbows in a knot." He moved his left arm over her head to the back of her chair, half-hugging her into him. She was _**so**_ okay with that, he could probably hear her heart pounding in her throat. She could smell his skin, the shampoo on his hair, feel the heat of his body through their clothes. She never wanted to leave this spot. And to use her left hand in the game she had to move even closer and tuck away her right arm. There was no other place to put her hand but somewhere on him. She opted for his knee, which he left without comment.

"So, what are we making?" she asked before she would blush like a girl.

"Let's start with a simple crane and see from there."

It was a strange sensation, having two hands and a task in front of her, yet only controlling one hand. Their heads bumped gently as they both tried to get a better look at their work, but neither seemed to mind. From this angle Jo could turn her head and look in his face from beneath his cap. Shielded from overhead light, his eyes seemed a very dark green with a kind of gentleness in them that soothed all her demons. Leaning against Joker, feeling his arm around her back, his stubble constantly brushing her cheek and temple, his breath stirring the short hairs on her temple, spreading her palm on his thigh, she felt like a normal human being, hot and tingly, with butterflies in her stomach. Living in the present had never seemed like a better idea. It took them a few tries, but they managed to fold a half-decent crane.

"We're not as bad as I thought we would be," Joker said, pleased with himself.

"Well, we are a good team."

"True. Up for another one?"

"Absolutely. Wait here, I'll get some paper."

Paper being a rare commodity in the age of digital data, she could only find more candy wrappers. Complete with candy inside. She smiled when he bypassed eating the sweets, just unwrapped them and dropped them on the table.

"Come on," his eyes sparkled, as he spread the wrapper in front of him. She slid into the same place, more confidently now. Her head was almost on his shoulder and she could feel his hot breath on her skin. They'd never had so much body contact, from the day they met. "How about a frog?"

"I don't know how to fold frogs."

"Then it'll be my challenge to explain it to you along the way."

"Wait, where is the crane?" she looked around, not seeing it. "Damn, I wanted to keep it."

"Too late, I'm already keeping it. You can have the frog."

"So you're the pilot, you get the flying thing, I get that. Why am I getting the frog?"

"Because you're so ugly, green, fat, clumsy and warty."

"Gee, Joker, thanks, I love you, too!" she gently pinched him and swallowed hard after those teasing words. She wanted to say them and mean them. He sniggered and kind of tugged her into his side:

"Forget the frog. We're making a rose. Do you know how to do those?"

"The cranes are the top of my origami skill."

"Then let me teach you, my young Padawan."

"Yes, Master Yoda."

He was explaining and she was accommodating, their voices low due to them being so close together, the rest of the mess hall drifted to the background. After the rose they tried a few other figures, talking nonsense about old vids. He was telling her that the Star Wars saga, the original one, had been made to vids seven times since the books came out all but two hundred years ago, each version an attempt to trump the previous ones, and he suggested she found the time to catch up on all of them when she told him she'd only seen the latest version. The evening drifted past them in intimate conversation and their bodies huddled close together. It was past midnight, and others were slowly drifting towards the dorm, when Kelly moved closer to them.

"You look exceptionally cosy," she smiled and Jo shuddered a little. Joker picked up on it right away. She felt his smile against her temple, even if she couldn't see it.

"Did you want something, Chambers?" He asked.

"No, just wanted to see what keeps you two so entranced."

"Satisfied?"

"Is that difficult?" She gestured at their hands. "Looks fascinating."

"If you're about to ask to join in, forget it," Jo said.

"Far be it from me to butt in between you two. This looks like an excellent bonding technique. Couples in marriage counselling are asked to do something similar. The point is to learn to trust each other and rely on the other's ability to listen."

"Gee, thanks, Chambers. The day I need marriage counselling, I'll come to you right away!" Jo said eagerly with just a tiny tone of sarcasm.

"You are often being sarcastic about my psychology degree, Commander," she said calmly. "Do you not trust me?"

"No," Jo said simply. "Your degree is an insulting piece of garbage. You were born in the wrong galaxy if you want to try to psychoanalyse me and mine. I only keep you here to see what you'll do to get the Asshole your reports on my activities. I'm sure it'll be very entertaining, especially since I'll shoot you in the foot the minute I find out you tried."

"I see," Kelly said a lot cooler, stood and left. Joker leaned down to Jo's ear and his stubble tickled her:

"Right on, sister," he whispered. "She creeps me out."

"And me."

They finished the latest figure and decided to call it a night. Jo collected the rose and wished Joker good night. She wore a stupid grin all the way to her cabin and headed straight to the shower. She turned it hot and let her fantasy fly. His body heat, his touch, his hands, his skin and scent… She leaned her forehead against the wall, caught in her fantasy, breathing heavily, as she slipped her hand between her thighs, imagining him there, or everywhere.

When she finally finished showering, she put the rose on her nightstand and fell into bed with the same blissful grin. It was the first time in this second life that she got two hours of uninterrupted, nightmare-free sleep.

* * *

When they called it a night, most of the crew were already in the dorm, asleep or about to. Joker watched Shepard go to the elevator and realised he was too agitated to go to bed. He didn't know what riled him up so much, he just wanted to start running and screaming and trashing things. There was nowhere on the ship he could go to have a private moment of freaking out, which was one of the few drawbacks of working in space. His side was freezing after Shepard had been leaning against him for so long.

The med bay was empty and dark. He retreated there and didn't bother with the lights. What was happening to him? He thought he'd talk to Shepard a little, let her know he didn't think she was the enemy, make sure she knew he was on her side, no matter what.

But then she came over with that innocent face. She wore a soft grey hoodie and a white tank top underneath, looking so domestic, small, soft and approachable… She moved closer to him almost eagerly, when he suggested the game.

From that angle he could easily look down her cleavage, if he wanted to. What a stupid question. Of course he looked. Her bra was white and lacy and her breasts…

His brain switched off and the devil was riding his body all night, Joker thought. The devil made him do a version of the "yawning move", the cheesiest move ever. To his endless wonder Shepard only leaned closer into him, her warm body snug against him, like she belonged there.

That feeling of belonging was what was driving him nuts right now, he realised. Over two hours were spent with her in his arms and they were the best two hours of his life. Once she was gone, he'd felt cold, sliced in half…

This would not do. She was his Commander, _and_ she was Shepard. He would never allow himself to even start thinking about it. What is 'it'? - a smart voice in his head prodded him. Most of the time Joker loved being smarter than many other people and he hid it well, like a secret weapon. Right now his intelligence was turning against him and he started to feel his defences crumble. Nothing, - he told that little voice. Oh, really? - it laughed. You know that 'it' is the reason you took her death harder than anyone else among the survivors, 'it' is why you agreed to sell your soul and body to the devil just on a wee chance to see her again, 'it' is the reason you were burning from inside all evening, whispering words into her ear, hugging her into you, smelling her shampoo…

Shut the fuck up! Joker smacked his own forehead. Anything to tune out that voice. Admit it to yourself, - the voice tried again, but Joker used all the willpower he had to silence it. No. He would admit to nothing. Not even to the hard-on he was showing right now. It's just been a while since he'd been with a woman, his body would probably find anyone sexy right now. Oh, yeah? Then how come you stayed celibate since the day you met her? – the voice was merciless. He was pathetic, really. He opened his pants and gripped himself tight, stroking forcefully, as he repeated again and again in his head that he was NOT carrying a torch for his Commander.

When he was done wiping himself off with some towels later, the mantra seemed to have worked. The voice was silent, his breathing back to normal, his heart rate even and his soul completely empty. It was better this way. All he had to do was to convince himself of that.

When he was on his bunk later, he couldn't fall asleep for hours. He was silently frustrated, but he would never admit to it, even to himself. He really needed to stay away from intimate situations with the Commander in the future.

And it really didn't mean a thing that he kept the crane they made together under his pillow. Why would it mean something?

She wasn't making it any easier: the very next morning she stood behind his chair with her hand on his shoulder, watching him approach the planet. It meant nothing, he was repeating to himself while his hands worked. She was the Commander and he was the pilot. It was important that they made a good team, important that he knew what she was thinking so he could save her from death on another crazy mission, but that was it. There never was and never would be anything between them. Any sane man would take the chance to look down her cleavage, why feel bad about it? He already knew that everyone was ogling her fine ass. But she was the Commander and that was all there was to it. This feeling of emptiness inside him didn't mean a thing.

She took the girls with her groundside. Jack and Kasumi were new on the ship and hadn't had a chance to work with Shepard as a team yet. Garrus and most others came to the cockpit to watch the feed on Joker's screen, like it was the finale of a biotiball season. This time they knew from the beginning that there would be some fighting. Why? Okeer was a krogan, that was reason enough.

They were not disappointed. Or maybe they were. Shepard's fighting style differed from the Purgatory mission like a krogan differed from a salarian. She stayed in cover, watching the other girls and offing some random merc here and there.

"She never liked biotics on her team," Garrus offered his opinion.

"Why not?" Jacob sounded a little hurt.

"She says biotics disrupt her own fighting. Targets disappear from the crosshairs, things fly around, and blue flashes distract her. I wonder if she'll take Jack on any more missions."

"I don't know, she seems just fine with biotics right now," Zaeed shrugged. Shepard had asked him not to smoke his cigars in the CIC, but even if he wasn't holding a cigar, he still stank like a burned down tobacco factory.

"Yeah, she's fighting differently today," Garrus agreed.

"She is a professional," Joker couldn't hold back his own pride in his Commander. "She knows more than one fighting style."

Jack seemed to have trouble fighting in a team for a while, but she was listening to Shepard's instructions on the comm and when they reached Okeer, she and Kasumi could almost work together.

When the warlord was dead, his little test tube safely stored in the Port Cargo and the Normandy was on the move again, Shepard came to see him.

"Did you collect stray cats as a kid?" He muttered to her over his shoulder half-seriously. "'Cause we totally needed a mega krogan, so thanks for dragging him home."

"What, you have something against my baby?" She asked and something new in her voice made him turn around and look at her attentively. Her eyes sparkled. She was up to something.

"Say, what? Your _baby_?" He gaped.

"Yeah. Did you see him? He's really cute. I'm going to wake him up. Or, you know, give birth to him, considering the situation."

Joker gaped at her, opening and closing his mouth a few times, unable to produce a sound. EDI interrupted his gaping:

"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you."

"Take a message, EDI. I'm down in the cargo bay with my baby," she turned and walked away. Joker still gaped after her. Yeah, why was he surprised? Hadn't she been all friendly with Wrex two years ago? He should have been surprised if she hadn't considered this new krogan her own baby. But still… Geez. Her way of doing things was not just unconventional, it was crazy. Crazier than Jack sometimes.

"EDI, show me the cargo bay and the tank," he said, hurriedly logging into the security system, then patched through to Garrus: "Shepard is going to wake up her new baby, Garrus, did you know?"

"Yes," Garrus seemed a little displeased, too. "She asked me not to interfere."

"You know, sometimes I could just grab that woman and beat her on the head with her own rifle."

"What is that human expression… you're preaching to the choir."

"Could you still, I don't know, just to be sure…"

"I'm already there."

* * *

Jo knew that Garrus was hanging around Engineering to make sure her baby wouldn't kill her, and she let him. You can't ask someone to look out for you and then slap away their helping hand, even though she was more than confident she could handle one little newborn krogan. Well, he wasn't little, but otherwise…

She couldn't say what made her so excited. She needed a fighter on her team, not a loose canon amidst her crew, but when she first realised Okeer wanted her to take this one with her, a true interest stirred in her. The kind of interest that pushed aside all the raging screeches in her head. Sure he was fully grown, but he was still a baby. Maybe it was even better that he wasn't an actual child – that would mean that she'd have to bring him to Tuchanka and give him away into the care of some other woman because the Normandy wasn't a place for children. But when it came to a real warrior with a baby's mind, she was excited. Something about taking care of him, teaching him, watching him grow into a real krogan stirred some deep protective, nurturing instinct in her.

"The subject is stable, Commander," EDI spoke up when Jo was in front of the gigantic tube.

"Don't say 'subject', EDI. He is not a thing. Is he aware of his surroundings?"

"Unlikely. Current neural patterns indicate minimal cognition."

"All right, let's open the tank."

"Cerberus protocol is very clear regarding untested…"

"Say 'Cerberus protocol', EDI. One. More. Time." She dropped her voice to a very threatening level. Apparently even the AI was smart enough not to push it. "I'm not going to be second-guessed on my own ship."

"Very well."

Jo pushed the button and the liquid was drained from the tank quite quickly. Seconds later the latch opened and the krogan fell out of his prison, coughing up more liquid, collecting his senses, fighting disorientation. He seemed even bigger when he actually stood in front of her, but he was by far not as big as Wrex. Jo stepped closer, letting him become aware of her presence. The very next moment he charged.

Jo didn't fight him when he slammed her body against a crate and followed up with his elbow in her throat.

"Human, female," he said in a deep, pleasant voice. "Before you die, I need a name."

Jo smiled. He was a krogan all right, but he just had the luck (or misfortune) that the very first person he met was neither afraid of him nor was she going to take his bullshit.

"I'm Commander Shepard and I suggest you relax before I blow off all four of your testicles."

"Not your name. Mine," he didn't sound angry at all, only a bit confused. For a few moments he spoke his thoughts as they were coming to his head. About Okeer, his teachings that held no meaning, until he arrived at the conclusion that the word 'grunt' would do as his name. Aw, her baby just named himself. Jo couldn't hide a little proud smile, and it didn't matter in the least that her feet were dangling one meter in the air and his elbow still pressed into her throat. "I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."

"You're a newborn and no match to me, so no, I won't try to destroy you. Why would you want to die?"

"Want?" He looked confused again, pondering on the meaning of that word. "Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want. Okeer's imprint has failed. Without a reason that's mine one fight is as good as any other, so I might as well start with you."

Jo cocked her head, looking straight into his shining blue eyes. They were nothing like Wrex' red. There was no power of personality in this baby just yet.

"Let me break it down for you. You were bred in a tank and whatever has been imprinted on you was only the means to make you functional for when you're born. Now you're born. Aware. You can speak and move and make your own decisions. Sure you could try and kill someone just because you can, but you're on my ship and I'm the original badass here. I promise you I can and will dismember you in seven seconds if you go against me."

"Pfft," he snorted in her face but she didn't let his dismissal disturb her.

"I'll take you down to the training area later and show you that you're no match for me and never will be, but I'm not finished yet. You know nothing about the world. You have no idea who I am, who my enemies are. Right now you're a nobody, and I only accept the best of the very best in my clan. If you prove yourself worthy, I'll take you in as my own. My enemies threaten the entire galaxy and fighting at my side will bring you power, experience and glory not only among the krogan, but among all species. If you decide that you want that, I'll train you until you can really fight."

"I can fight!"

"You can shoot, which is nice for a newborn baby. I can make you a real warrior."

"I'm not sure if you're really confident, Shepard, or just plain stupid."

"You could calm down, stick around, learn a little more about me and decide for yourself. Or you could try and find out right now and die like a miserable pyjak."

He moved back from her a little bit, like everyone always did when she turned full-scale Commander on them. He was impressed.

"All right, it sounds… acceptable. I'll fight for you."

"Glad you saw reason," she grinned and he looked down to find her pistol pressed against the joint in his armour. He cackled, really impressed:

"Ha! Offer one hand, but arm another – wise! If I find a clan, I'll be honoured to eventually pit them against you."

"You do that, baby," she put her pistol away. "Now, I have rules on my ship and you will be wise to follow them. There is no fighting between any crew members outside the training area. Inside the training ring we do not inflict permanent damage or incapacitate each other in any way. We are polite to each other and if we don't like some clan members, we stay to our own rooms and avoid them. My XO is a turian named Garrus Vakarian and you will do whatever he tells you to do like it came from me directly. He's really hard to miss, he's the only turian on board. We all eat together in the mess hall one level up and we all show manners when we do that. Each and every person on this ship pulls their own weight. You will have to help out whenever someone needs help to earn your food and bunk. But if you have any questions, you can come to me any time. If you need anything, like gear, weapons, supplies, information, entertainment – just ask. I always take care of my people. Now, our next stop is the Citadel, so…"

"Commander," EDI interrupted her. "The Illusive Man gave us the intel that another colony just went silent. It's on Horizon. He also wanted to let you know that Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko is on Horizon."

Jo's insides froze. Alenko? This smelled like setup from all this way in space. Why would the Collectors pick the one colony out there that housed one of her former crew? Alenko, to boot. She hadn't thought about it before, but something told her that when she died he made sure everyone suspected how 'special' he was to her. Well, that would be his own undoing if that was the reason why the Collectors were descending on his ass right now.

"Joker," she said into her comm. "Take us to Horizon."

"Aye aye. Approximate ETA four hours and twenty minutes."

"Good," she nodded and turned to Grunt. "You're not in on this mission yet, so make yourself comfortable. Walk around the ship, meet people. If you hurt anyone, I'll be very mad."

She went to talk to Mordin about protection against the seeker swarms and found Garrus right outside Grunt's room.

"Gear up and tell Zaeed to join us," she told him officially, then leaned closer and whispered with a cheeky grin: "I like that new baby of ours. You'll like him, too, I'm sure."

Garrus only shook his head in disbelief.


	19. Nightmares

People gathered around him before Shepard's shuttle even left the bay. The sensors showed a massive ship over the colony that transmitted a jamming signal. He'd never admit it, but Joker thanked Cerberus for spending so much money on a good communication system.

"Collector ship," Mordin said. Usually he rarely left his lab, but now even he was curious if his protective system would really work on the ground team's suits. "Still on the ground. Not done harvesting yet. Good sign."

Now Joker wished the salarian had stayed in his lab after all. Sudden heavy steps from the CIC shook the floor. Nobody had to guess who it was.

"Grunt," Kelly smiled at the 'baby' krogan, barely out of his tank. "Come and join us, we're watching Commander Shepard in action."

The navigators made room for the giant just in time before Shepard ran into the first hostiles.

"What are they?" Grunt asked.

"Collectors," Joker deflected. "Didn't Okeer make you from information and resources they gave him?"

"Doesn't mean I know what they look like. And what are those?"

"Those would be husks. Humans captured by the Collectors and turned into mindless, half-organic, half-synthetic killing machines."

"We thought they were a geth invention. This is probably Reaper technology," Garrus mused between the shots. "Which means that Saren, the Reapers, the geth and the Collectors are one and the same bunch."

That was when a voice sounded from a Collector who jerked and started glowing orange:

"Assuming direct control. Flee while you can, Shepard. We are the harbinger of your perfection."

"The shit! Was that?.." Joker's heart sank into the cargo bay. Shepard tossed her body behind some cover and took a shuddering breath.

"That's a Reaper voice talking," she answered him through clenched teeth. "Joker?"

His hands flew over his console.

"There are no Reaper signatures in this system, Shepard. They must be connected through the Collector ship."

"So we _don't_ have a whole fucking Reaper sitting on our heads. That's comforting to know."

"What are Reapers?" Grunt wouldn't let go and Joker almost jumped up to kick his ass out of the cockpit, but the mission was more important. Jacob and Kelly started explaining and he tuned them all out. His eyes were on the screens. At least that orange glowing Reaper-voice Collector died like any other. Grunt was still there and made some satisfying noises when he saw Shepard slice and dice through dozens of Collectors. He obviously liked her style. Then, while EDI was busy recalibrating the targeting systems for the defence towers, they saw the team decimate wave after wave of Collector forces. Grunt was clearly impressed when Shepard abandoned cover and used her newly found Collector particle beam to cut apart some new kind of monster, which Mordin called Praetorian. It was a nasty bug thing that kept spewing more and more husks at them. Shepard took it down like she was invincible. The defence towers came online and chased the Collector ship away. In the coming silence the real surprise stepped from behind some crate. Joker wondered if he was hiding there all this time, waiting for the fight to end.

"Shepard," Alenko said, stepped closer and… hugged her.

His insides twisted in a knot.

Everyone on the ship was watching in awkward silence. But no matter what they thought they were seeing, Joker knew that this was not a lovers' reunion. He knew from her own words how she felt about Alenko, and that was still true, right? On her calendar it was only a month ago that she was telling him how she hated Alenko's cologne. He got his confirmation when she didn't hug the dark-haired biotic back, but put a hand on his chest to move him an arm's length away from her.

The conversation that followed cut Joker like a knife. It proved how different he and Alenko were and would always be. When he heard that she might be alive, he dropped everything and didn't even hesitate to join Cerberus. Alenko dropped _her_ like a burning coal. Joker discarded all rumours to have a chance to work at her side again. Alenko assumed the worst and renounced her. Joker swallowed his own pride and pain because she needed his support. Alenko accused her of working for the enemy on kidnapping the colonies (seriously? was this guy for real?), then accused her of stupidity and blindness by implying she believed what Cerberus told her, and then to top things off he accused her of betraying the cause:

"You turned your back on everything we believed in! You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

Joker simply gaped at his screen. He must have misheard. The bastard couldn't possibly have said what he just said. No sane person could. But Shepard's reaction distracted him. She didn't try to convince Alenko of anything or even to defend herself. She must have realised it wasn't worth it and wouldn't work. She just folded her arms on her chest and shook her head with gentle disapproval. She had a face of an adult who was talking to an exasperatingly stubborn, narrow-minded, half-wit boy. What was the point trying to convince him?

When he hadn't triggered any defensive kind of reply from her, Alenko kept pushing it, said to her face that she wasn't thinking straight, accused her of loyalty of gratitude to Cerberus, among other things. He even riled up Garrus, but Shepard remained stoic. Joker could clearly see that she had nothing to say to this man. She was done with him for good.

"You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie," Alenko kept lashing out. "I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

He walked. Garrus put his hand on Shepard's shoulder, but she was not heartbroken, like everyone was expecting her to be. Joker knew how she really felt about the Alliance. She had never told anyone else in as much detail as she told him what issues she had with them, how betrayed she felt by them, how she couldn't stand for all the things the organisation was covering up. By declaring himself a loyal Alliance soldier Alenko killed his very last chance to be with Shepard in any way. Even Joker found it unsettling that someone could serve as long as Alenko did and still see things in strictly black and white. Shepard wore armour that had a Cerberus logo on it (they never quite made it to the Citadel yet to pick up the new uniforms) and Alenko assumed that the symbol on her collar branded her to the bottom of her soul. With a ship full of Shepard's friends who joined her despite or because of a vague Cerberus connection, Alenko's reaction put him in a clear minority. He just didn't know the meaning of "complicated" or "dealing with a tough situation". She'd never have any use for him again and Joker was glad. Good riddance. He remembered how upset Alenko used to make Shepard during their hunt for Saren. She could definitely live without his backstabbing.

"Looks like someone forgot his medication this morning," she said quietly, as she watched the man go. Then she took the particle beam and pointed it at a house wall.

"What are you doing?!" Garrus couldn't imagine the meaning of her action, but Joker could clearly see that she was writing something with the beam.

"Leaving a souvenir," she sounded suspiciously like she was grinning. A minute later the smoking wall sprouted a huge writing: "Harbinger of your perfection". With dotted i-s.

When she was back on the ship and out of her armour, she messaged him to set course for the Citadel.

"I'm really sick of these Cerberus uniforms," she said. A while later, after she called the Asshole and almost tore him a new one for spreading rumours about her working for Cerberus and deliberately luring the Collectors to Horizon, he heard her arrive in the CIC and listened in when Kelly prodded her with questions.

"I saw that Kaidan Alenko was there," the redhead said. "How did that go?"

Shepard put on a very serious face:

"It was horrible. We used to be in love. Dreamed of leaving the Alliance together because of the regs, you know. And now… I'm really heartbroken, I didn't know what to say when he didn't believe me. Kaidan is the love of my life, I really don't know how to deal with this pain, and I'm so ashamed… How could he betray me like that? We used to be everything to each other. I don't know if he'll ever have me back now. It's really hard, Kelly. I don't wish you or anyone else to go through the same kind of pain, ever."

Joker pressed both hands against his mouth and nose half way through that speech to make sure he didn't snort or burst out laughing.

"I see," Kelly said with a little suspicion, but let the topic be. Shepard continued her way to the cockpit.

"Great acting skills, Shepard," he told her quietly.

"Don't know what you're talking about," she sniffled and rubbed her perfectly dry eye. "Can't you tell how heartbroken I am?"

"Oh, yeah, you're the most heartbroken person in the galaxy right now. Really shattered to pieces. That's the reason I don't date crew," he played along. Damn, she was wickedly good at this!

"So, is everything well up here?" She asked with a smile this time.

"Yeah, it was, until the Thing started questioning my every move. It won't let anything slide!"

"You were deliberately falsifying maintenance reports, Mr. Moreau," the Thing spoke up.

"Not falsifying, tweaking!" He shook his head. In this battle he was pretty sure which side Shepard would take. Still, he kept complaining just to get the satisfaction of her support against the rules. "I always round up on task times. Makes us look good when we come in under."

"Harmless self-promotion. EDI _will_ ease off on that," Shepard declared like it wasn't a question or even an order. It was just understood. Joker knew he was being childish, but it felt so good to be in Shepard's good graces! Wait, when was he not in her good graces? He was the one to pull away from her, but he didn't want to think about that. He'd make a fool out of himself any day to make her smile and to get her approval and support. Did that make him her slobbering lapdog? Perhaps. But at least he really was loyal, unlike some backstabbing bastards who declared their love for the Commander first and then turned their back on her.

"Very well, Commander," the Thing said.

"Yeah, go pout. I win," he waggled his eyebrows and a real smile touched Shepard's lips and eyes. Mission accomplished.

"Joker."

"Right, right, no hard feelings, all good!"

He knew she was grinning as she walked back to the CIC. His chest pained. He'd missed this so much. Their easy, teasing banter, the way she got his jokes, the way she smiled at him, making his head spin. Two years of misery without her suddenly seemed like nothing. She was right here. With orange scars and a few issues, sure, but she was herself and she was real. There was nothing he wouldn't do to keep her happy.

* * *

Jo would be a liar if she said that hearing Alenko's accusations didn't hurt. It hurt a great deal. Not in a hellish kind of way, but in a very human, normal, real kind of way. Yes, she'd rejected his romantic advances back in the day, but that seemed to be the least of his problems. Jo went down to the mess hall, took her dinner plate and sat down to eat and think about Alenko's words. He said that she changed colours, joined Cerberus, let them blind her, believed what they told her, trusted them, and most importantly – betrayed the cause. Well, he also added that she betrayed him, but that wasn't what worried her. She couldn't say that he was wrong on all accounts. Yes, she was letting Cerberus manipulate her. She was on a Cerberus-made ship with half of her crew originating there, too. She took her intel from the Asshole and trusted that he wouldn't set her up. She knew that Cerberus was spying on all her moves even without the crew members reporting back. If she were really to remain true to the cause, she would have abandoned this ship, grabbed her friends and gone far, far away from anyone or anything connected to Cerberus. What she was doing now – using the Normandy, EDI, the last bit of Cerberus money, the dossiers – was the way of the least resistance. She could have walked away from all this, but then she would have had to start from scratch, and that would mean losing precious time. Excuses? Sure, it was only an excuse. But she'd made her choice because first and foremost she was loyal to the cause. Save the galaxy from the Reaper invasion.

So, why did Alenko accuse her of betraying the cause? Jo stabbed a piece of meat on her plate with a sudden silly realisation: his cause and her cause were two very, very different things. He fought in the name of the Alliance for… Hell, she never learned what he was fighting for. She fought in nobody's name but she tried to protect the whole galaxy. She and Alenko never saw eye to eye and never would. As far as she was concerned, it was a good thing.

"Shepard," Grunt sat down across her with his own plate of food. Heavy thoughts evaporated. Jo returned to the present and smiled at her baby:

"Grunt. How do you find my ship?"

"Lots of weak points in the structure, easy to infiltrate, hard to defend."

"What makes you say that?"

"Plans, pictures in my head from Okeer. Show what a really strong ship should be like."

"A dreadnaught, I gather?"

"Yeah!"

"But this isn't a dreadnaught. This is a reconnaissance ship, it has to be stealthy. How would you say she fares as such?"

"Don't know. I don't have much information on how a stealth ship should be designed."

"Might want to learn a little bit more about that before you discard her so dismissively. She might surprise you. And save your life. I suggest you spend the next few weeks speed-educating yourself. After all, if you're not learning new things all the time, how can you become truly great?" Jo fixed the young krogan with her curious glance. Garrus joined them at the table, but said nothing.

"Suppose you're right, Shepard," Grunt leaned onto the table, which almost bent. "What would you suggest?"

"I personally read books. Lots and lots of books."

"Like what?"

"What you desperately lack right now is context. To everything. How about history, for starters? Krogan history would be good to get you some initial background, then I'd strongly suggest the history of the Council Space, so that you know the frame I'm operating within. Also, have you already found out who I actually am and what ship you're on?"

"No."

"There's a good idea for research, I'd say. Take your time and ask me if you have any questions. And when you're done reading what the media has to say about me, I'll tell you the real story."

"Reading is boring. When are you going to get me some real action?"

"If you mean fighting on a mission with me – never, if you don't start educating yourself."

"I can fight!" He banged his fist on the table and everyone's plates jumped. Jo's glass toppled over. She looked down at the spreading liquid and felt everyone shrink away from her. Even Grunt sat back. Instead of blowing the gasket she got up and took a napkin from the kitchen.

"If you can't control your temper, baby, you can walk out of the airlock right now, in the middle of space. I need smart people, I need the best of the best, people who know tactics on the battlefield and can navigate the political, moral and emotional minefields when my work demands a peaceful action. Do you think you are able to grow into someone like that?"

He looked at her almost ashamed.

"Yes, probably."

"Good. Wipe up the mess you made," she tossed the napkin in his face. "Now."

"So, Shepard," Garrus spoke up. "Are you up for some hand-to-hand practice this evening?"

"Always."

"So am I!" Grunt declared. Jo silently pointed at the juice on the table and he recoiled under her demanding glance. Obediently, the gigantic krogan in a battle suit began methodically wiping the table.

Jo was fascinated. She released him from his tank maybe seven hours ago and he didn't really know what the words Commander Shepard meant. But he seemed to accept her as the alpha animal. She didn't have to be rude or violent with him. She was the superior one in matters of life experience and willpower and his instinct told him to obey her. He might call it "battlemaster", but Jo knew better. For all intents and purposes she was the mama bear and he was the cub. Why did she always find it so easy to connect with krogans? These dynamics made much more sense to her than some relationships with humans.

"All right, Grunt, I'll give you a chance to prove yourself," Jo said when the table was clean. Garrus looked pleased for some reason.

A little while later most of the crew was gathered in the newly arranged training area in the cargo bay. Jack sat high on a pile of crates, Jacob and Zaeed leaned against it, Garrus – to Jo's surprise – was talking to Joker. She'd never seen Joker personally appear at sparring, and she'd done more than enough of that on the first Normandy to know.

"You're wearing no armour," Grunt snorted dismissively.

"I don't need any," she took off her hoodie and remained in a grey tank top and black pants. She could do more than enough damage with her combat boots anyway.

"Don't blame me when I smear you all over the wall," the young krogan sneered. Garrus and Joker exchanged a very, very amused look.

"You're talking too much. Come and get me…" Jo began, but Grunt charged at her before she even finished. She waited for the last possible moment, then rolled to the side and let him charge past her – right into the wall. "…if you can."

He looked pissed when he was on his feet again. People were placing bets on how long he'd last. For a while he kept charging and charging at her while she never let him even touch her.

"This is not a good fight!" Grunt roared eventually. "You're not fighting!"

"Do you expect everyone in the galaxy to fight by bumping their heads, like krogan? Learn, adapt, change your tactics."

He did. First he charged at her, like before, but then changed his direction, anticipating her evasive move. Only she didn't evade. She grabbed his arm and used his momentum to toss him onto the ground. A second later she was standing with one foot on his butt, the other on his hump, twisting both his arms backwards to the point of cracking shoulder joints. He roared but found that he couldn't get up.

"You don't really fight," he roared when she released him. "You just dance around like a pyjak."

"Can you take a punch?" She asked with a grin.

"I'm a krogan. Of course I can take a punch."

"Take this." She stepped right into his personal space and used all her new, Cerberus-implanted muscle power for a right uppercut.

Afterwards the crew spent half an hour replaying the vids of that moment that Kasumi and Garrus made with their omnitools. Grunt lifted a couple of inches into the air and flew back in a beautiful arch, collapsed on the floor and skidded another meter. This first training session showed him exactly how sparsely he'd been prepared for fighting in the top league with people like Commander Shepard. It changed his attitude considerably. That same evening EDI told Jo that he was researching her, the Normandy, Okeer and great wars and conflicts on the extranet. Her baby was indeed smart.

As he was at it, the night shift took over the CIC and the day shift went to the dorm, Jo looked at another sleepless night ahead of her. All the things that happened in the last few days gave her a lot of strength to finally keep the hell in her head behind a thick wall. Garrus' support, Karin's kindness, Joker's all-over healing, Jack's passion, Kasumi's soft self-sufficiency, Grunt's naïve eagerness and Zaeed's acceptance gave her enough strength to put up that thick wall. She could now function almost all day long, not just twenty minutes at a time. She could even _almost_ trust herself not to turn vengeful fury on a battlefield. As long as the wall was up, she could pretend to be a normal human being.

But in the night… That was when she realised again and again how much willpower it took her to keep that wall up. It wasn't so much screeching in her head anymore, but a constant loud hum that absolutely wouldn't let her sleep. In all this time, since her resurrection, she'd only had two hours of sleep. It was affecting her physical condition, of course, except Cerberus made sure that her body could withstand a lot more then before. She really had to be careful that it wouldn't affect her mental state as well.

As Joker suggested, she spent the night watching Star Wars. Vids weren't a perfect distraction. There were too many emotions in them. Tech books were a better choice, but even she got bored now and then. She really needed to relax, so she decided to give the crew and herself some shore leave on the Citadel when they arrived.

When they docked, there was a shipment waiting for them. Their new uniforms were ready. She left a skeleton crew and Kelly on the ship and let everyone else roam the station. Most of them disappeared on their own business for the day, but planned to get together at the Dark Star Lounge for drinks later. Even Grunt found some personal errand to run off on. Probably to buy a krogan Fornax issue, Jo supposed.

Jo spent several hours doing filework in her cabin, and when she was finished, she went to the cockpit to spend some time with Joker. However, he wasn't there. EDI told her that he joined the rest of the crew at the bar. Jo was a little surprised, honestly. Back in the day she'd have to give him an order and personally make sure he followed it if she wanted him to mingle. It had to have something to do with his newly strengthened bones and his ability to walk.

Jo remembered that there was one thing she hadn't tried yet to knock herself out and get some sleep: drinking. So she put on her most inconspicuous grey clothes and went down to the Citadel to join the crew.

Ken, Joker, Jacob, Zaeed and Garrus sat together, a round of drinks in front of them, laughing about some story Joker was telling. So, they were having fun just fine without her? Always nice to know, she thought sarcastically.

"Hey, Commander, would you join us?" Donnelly saw her first and waved to her.

"Don't mind if I do," she said. A chair was pulled up for her before she could blink.

"What's your poison today? Asari liquor? Wine? Maybe beer?" The Irish man said, waving a waitress over.

"No offense, but I need something a little stronger."

"How much stronger?" The waitress asked with friendly eagerness.

"Ryncol kind of stronger."

"Are you sure?" Jacob asked, worried a little.

"Bring a whole bottle," Jo said to the waitress, who didn't even flinch. A few moments later she had a bottle of the krogan brew and a glass in front of her. "Who wants to go drink for drink with me?"

"Is this even safe?" Joker frowned.

"Don't be all such wusses," she poured herself a first glass. They all watched her with gaping mouths as she tossed the glass back and only frowned slightly, as the acidic liquid went down her throat. They still gaped at her, when she poured another one without being affected.

"I'm guessing it's all the new implants, Shepard?" Jacob watched with awe as she downed another drink.

"Maybe," she shrugged. "Still no volunteers to drink me under the table?"

"I think I might regret it, but I'll do it, as long as it's whiskey for me, not that acid," Donnelly said.

"Pick whatever you want and join me," she shrugged.

For the rest of the night they just watched with horror how she emptied one ryncol bottle and ordered another, stronger than the first. Donnelly could hold a lot, and he went toe to toe with her for a long while, until everything became a kind of haze. Jo only remembered bits and pieces of what happened. She remembered ordering the third bottle, then vomiting in the men's bathroom where Garrus and Jacob had taken her (a drawback of drinking with boys – they hadn't even considered the ladies' bathroom), and then she was back on the Normandy in her own bed and Garrus was shaking her shoulders, as she screamed.

She screamed and screamed and couldn't stop. All she knew was a terror deeper than anything she could imagine. Mind-blowing, body-wrenching dread beyond comprehension.

Garrus shook her harder, he was saying something she couldn't hear, then Chakwas joined him at her other side, talking at her, but Jo couldn't stop screaming. However long she had slept, she'd fallen into a nightmare so terrible that she couldn't shake the fit of panic.

Suddenly she saw a flying turian fist that connected with her temple, her head flew to the side and she finally stopped screaming. Her ears rang, all voices sounded like in a barrel, and ryncol was still raging in her system, burning her insides, as she lifted her head and looked around.

Garrus and Chakwas were sitting on her both sides. She was in her bed, wearing a clean shirt and underwear, but nothing else. Kelly and Joker stood in the opened door, watching her with great concern.

"What the fuck happened?" She pushed through her sore throat.

"You had a nightmare," Garrus said.

"Start earlier. How did I get here?"

"You drank Donnelly under the table, then yourself," Garrus offered. "Then you left all your insides on the floor in a bathroom on the Citadel, so we decided it was enough for you. You resisted, by the way. We dragged you here, and Dr. Chakwas put you to bed, and you even fell asleep, but not five minutes later you started screaming so hard we heard you down in the CIC, so here we are."

Jo rubbed her face with both hands.

"Thanks for knocking me back to senses, I guess."

"My fists are always at your service."

"I'm sorry for my behaviour."

"It's all right."

"Wait a second. How exactly did **you** get in here?" She looked from Garrus to the rest of her visitors. "I put very specific and personal locks and codes on my door."

"I used my XO status to override them. Don't ask me to apologize, it was necessary."

She nodded:

"It was. Sorry, again. Now, everyone out before I go all Commander on you."

"Take it slow and easy, Shepard," Chakwas warned her, as they all slowly left.

Well, that was a disaster, Jo thought. If alcohol gave her nightmares of that magnitude, if they made her scream like that and shake with cold sweat even now, how was she supposed to sleep ever again? Also, she suspected that this little scene was about to become the ship-wide gossip thanks to Kelly. For each step forward – two steps back, or so the saying went. Well, this step back not only left her soaked in cold sweat, but probably ruined her unshakable reputation with the crew.

"Fantastic," she groaned and fell back onto her pillow. A thought crossed her mind that she'd probably won the first price on how much ryncol a human could drink in one night. "Just great."


	20. Your alienness

Next morning she went to talk to Joker.

"You're definitely losing your touch," he declared upon seeing her. "Never thought I'd be the one helping to carry you back to the ship, Commander. Might wanna cut back on the liquor before we lose the last shred of respect for you."

"Yeah, yeah. Tell me in detail what happened after you guys brought me back."

"Well, you were still partly coherent and wouldn't let anyone come with you to your room to help you, only Dr. Chakwas. I'm surprised you didn't slug the poor woman in the process. Anyways, Kelly kept us in the CIC, asking about the night, when we heard the screaming. Mind you, I never thought sound carried so far across the ship."

"Did EDI enhance it?"

"It didn't have to. So we went upstairs and Garrus had a fight with the door. The Thing said that by your own specification nobody was to enter your cabin, even if you were in distress. So he used his XO authorisation, went in and punched you." He measured her thoughtfully. "You know, Commander, you don't scream like a girl. Don't know why I'm surprised, just seemed like something noteworthy."

"What do you mean?"

"Girls scream in those high-pitched sounds that only dogs can hear. I have a sister, I would know. But you…"

"I scream like a guy," she finished his phrase. "Well, I drink like a guy, I fight like a guy, I swear and throw and drive a car like a guy. Don't know why people still think I'm a woman."

His eyes dropped to her chest probably before he could help it, and his cheeks flamed up. Even Jo's face warmed up under that glance.

"It's, uhm, probably… your… small hands."

"Probably. So, how did Chambers end up in my cabin with the rest of you last night?"

"She kinda tagged along and nobody thought about her, we were too worried about you. Sorry."

"No, you did everything right. Still, she had no business being there."

"Are you going to kill her before she tells the Illusive Man?"

"That is very likely," Jo said cryptically, patted him on the shoulder and turned to leave. This time Joker grabbed her wrist to hold her back:

"Shepard, wait." He released her hand immediately, though she really had nothing against skin contact. He bit his lip a little nervously before asking: "Are you okay?"

"Right now – yeah, peachy. But I think this is when alcohol and I part our ways forever."

"That's drastic. Maybe something, you know, a little softer than ryncol? Beer?"

"And risk another nightmare like that?" She shuddered. "I'd rather not."

"Was it really that bad?"

"Let me put it this way: have you ever heard me scream in terror? Or _at all_?"

"I understand. I do. Still, such a shame!" He said with a sudden cheerful smile, as Jo heard someone coming to join them in the cockpit. It was Kelly.

"Commander, it's good to see you in a better condition," she said. "May I have a word with you in private?"

"Sure," Jo said and followed the redhead towards the conference room. She threw a questioning glance over her shoulder, but Joker only shrugged.

"Commander," Chambers began when they were alone. "You seem to be suffering from a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder."

"No, really? What gave me away?"

"You hide it well, mind you, but I couldn't help but notice that your mood swings very often, you eat without appetite and have trouble sleeping."

"That your _professional_ opinion?"

"I'll take the risk and say it the way it is: if you don't get help, you're not fit to lead this mission. I would strongly recommend that we schedule at least ten sessions and you let me help you deal with your trouble."

"And if I refuse – what will you do? Relieve me of my post?"

"I realise I can't do that, Commander, but you are a reasonable enough person to agree that you can't risk the survival of the whole human race just because you don't want to admit that you need help."

"And what in the name of god makes you think _you_ can help me?"

"It doesn't matter how little you think of my degree, I'm still trained to deal with exactly this kind of situation."

"The kind where your patient had been dead for two years and then resurrected?"

"Well, no, but I learned about the near death experience."

"Even you have to be smart enough to realise the _marginal_ difference between near dead and dead as a doornail. What about the kind of situation where your patient is being spied on every second of every day by the most evil, unscrupulous, sick and twisted organisation that ever existed?"

"Your view of Cerberus is influenced, Commander."

"By what?"

That shut Kelly up for a moment. Jo stepped closer and looked her deep in the eye:

"Tell me right now, Kelly. What was it that influenced my view of Cerberus so much?"

"Rumours?" It sounded more like a question, not like a statement. For the first time Chambers' shell cracked a little as she refused to admit the most obvious thing: Jo knew of Cerberus from hard evidence and personal experience, not rumours. Jo inwardly patted herself on the shoulder: offence was still the best defence.

"Rumours, really?" She raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know by what else."

"I think you do."

Kelly remained silent for a moment, then took a deep breath and put on a brave face:

"This is irrelevant to the real question, Commander. You have PTSD and you need help."

"That may be the case, but you, my precious little girl, are way out of your league with this one."

"Commander…"

"One more word, Chambers, and I might just show you what makes me the N7 Lieutenant Commander Spectre Shepard."

"Which is what?"

"I talked Saren into suicide, terrorists into giving themselves up, religious fanatics into changing their beliefs – been doing that for many years now. Always keep that in mind when you talk to me."

For a change Kelly had nothing to say to that. Jo enjoyed playing mind games with this little skank. She was still hoping that there was more to Chambers than met the eye, some hidden talent, anything at all that would justify her being here. So far the only talent Jo saw in Kelly was her incredible sluttiness.

Since they were in the conference room anyway, Jo called a meeting with the entire crew to discuss further business. She ordered them all to get their new uniforms in the cargo bay and to surrender all their Cerberus clothes. Gabby asked if the techies could keep their shoes, since they had no Cerberus logos on them and were specially made for climbing through the ship's insides. Jo let them keep the shoes, but nothing else that wasn't their personal stuff.

She dismissed them and went to her own room to empty her wardrobe. She did not keep her boots. For all she knew, there were spying devices hidden in the soles.

When she went down to the cargo bay to hand in her Cerberus clothes, she saw a small line waiting for their turn with Gardner, who was clearly surprised to see name-tagged packets for everyone, when he opened the crates. The usual Alliance procedure was a stock of clothes in different sizes, and Cerberus probably followed the same procedure with their uniforms. Jo had ordered outfits for each crew member personally. They were black and grey, soft and comfortable, with differently coloured rims on their collars to mark their position: red for security, orange for the techies and maintenance staff, blue for everyone in CIC and white for Jo and Garrus. She hadn't gotten any uniforms for Mordin, Jack, Grunt, Zaeed or Kasumi. There was no point trying to make them something they weren't. Garrus, however, really needed to look his part as the ship's XO.

The people had first thrown the Cerberus fabric carelessly into some empty crates, but under her heavy glance the heap quickly became an orderly folded and stapled pile.

"You're being thorough," Joker said to her, joining her by the crates after he got his packet. "There is nothing at all with the Cerberus logo on the ship."

"Lose the cap," she told him with a smile and a confused look on his face showed her that he'd completely forgotten about it. He took it off.

"I can't have a cap? It's my trademark!"

"I got you a new one, just open your packet," she grinned. It felt good to smile, it felt good to talk to him, stand next to him, look at him. Most of all it felt incredible that he was looking back at her and smiling. When his green eyes fixed on her, they made her stomach flip.

"You're going to change your clothes right here?" Jacob asked, when Joker opened his plastic packet and dug in. Joker fished out a new black cap and put it on his head:

"This is all that really matters."

There was "ACE" embroidered on the front of it. Jo couldn't help a smile as she looked at his satisfied face.

"It's nice to see you smile, Commander," Chakwas came over as well, hugging her packet.

"These are all personalised," Jacob said curiously. "How did you know the sizes for all the people here?"

"I am the Commander," she fixed him with a very different kind of glance than she was giving Joker just now. "It is my business to know everything about my people."

"Don't be surprised when you realise the Commander even knows the size of your family jewels, erect and not," Joker said, then bit his tongue: "That didn't sound quite right…"

Chakwas shook her head, Jacob looked confused, but Jo gently clapped Joker on his arm:

"If it's any consolation, I don't know yours," she gave him a dirty smile, all the while her heart skipped a beat. That kind of teasing put some very intense images in her head. Images that involved a whole different state of undress. "And I swear to wait patiently until you show me."

"All you have to do is ask, Commander," he waggled his eyebrows at her. Jacob looked more and more confused, even appalled at the way they spoke. The no-nonsense former Alliance officer couldn't comprehend this kind of a relationship between a CO and her crew. Chakwas was hiding a smile.

"Would you be willing to bet that I can tell your exact size if you let me put my hand on your crotch right now?" Jo teased the pilot further. Unabashed, he shrugged:

"I'm not betting against you, Commander. That's futile. I believe you."

"Go to your work station, Joker," she nudged him with another dirty smile. "Put on some porn and take care of that suspicious bulge in your pants. Jacob, same goes for you."

"Don't mind if I do!" Joker nudged her right back and left with a wide grin. Jacob wasn't grinning, but he also left. Jo looked after the pilot with longing tugging at her insides. What she wouldn't give to touch him, tell him she loved him. But now was not the time.

Chakwas stepped closer to her, as they observed people coming down, bringing their Cerberus clothes.

"It's really good to see you smile and tease, Shepard," the doctor said quietly.

"I was thinking a lot about what you said. At least I found one thing that can still make me smile as much as before. Banter with Joker."

"May I ask you how much you trust Miss Chambers?"

"Exactly as much as I trust Miranda and the Asshole."

"Then why is she here?"

"She's so… so wrong for the role of a double agent. She told me she is going to be spying on me and the crew the moment she met me. She's so stupid, naïve and… I don't even know. I can't believe he put that kind of slut on board to keep up with me. I wonder if the Asshole ever knew anything about me at all. Like, all the psychological training N3, N4 and N5 involves? Does he not realise that I can spin his Kelly in a dance of my own choosing? I can bend her to my will any time I want, I can convince her of anything. He probably saw my shooting range scores and stopped reading my file at that point."

"Perhaps there is more to Kelly than we think, then?"

"I hope so," Jo shook her head a little. "I really do. Otherwise I'll be seriously insulted. That's why she's still here. She amuses me because she's helpless against me with her psychology degree like a hanar baby against a rhino."

"Be careful anyway, Commander," Chakwas nodded. "Nobody is invincible, not even you, not even your willpower."

"Yeah, I know. I'm already failing."

"How so?"

"I can't will myself to fall asleep. Getting drunk only got me nightmares I really don't want to repeat."

Chakwas stepped closer with a professional look:

"You have trouble sleeping?"

"I've had a total of two hours of sleep ever since my resurrection."

"It's been almost three weeks, Shepard."

"Tell me about it. I've tried sleeping pills but they didn't do a thing."

"Come to me later, I'll see if I can get you something stronger."

"Thanks."

Jo went to Miranda's cell personally.

"Hand them over," she said to the other woman. The bitch eyed her with cold disdain:

"No. I believe in what Cerberus stands for and I won't give up my loyalty."

"Fine by me," Jo said and waved three soldiers over. "Hold her still," she ordered them. She made sure beforehand that everyone on the ship knew – Miranda using biotics was punishable by immediate death, and the bitch knew that, too. Jo swept everything that remained on the shelves after the initial cleaning into a plastic bag, which included all of Miranda's clothes, even her underwear. When the room became even more barren than before, Jo looked at the brunette being held by three men, as she eyed Jo with a murderous glance.

"Either you strip that thing right now or I cut it off you," she pointed at Miranda's catsuit. It was the last thing on the whole ship sprouting a Cerberus logo. Miranda was defiant, when she raised her chin and remained silent, unmoving. Jo took a hunting knife from her belt and approached the woman. She grabbed the fabric on her body, lifted it, and generously cut the patches with the Cerberus signs out, leaving gaping holes. She had taken Miranda's shoes away already, and now all the Dolly had was a half-cut piece of fabric stretching over her curves and failing miserably to hold.

"Humiliating me will not prove your superiority, Shepard," Miranda called after her, when Jo was leaving. "It only shows how much you're afraid of me."

Jo stopped in the doorway, and everybody else in the mess hall turned to listen.

"I know," she said honestly and very seriously. "I am scared of you. There is no person in the whole wide world that creeps me out more than you do."

"And your way to deal with the unknown is to shun it?" Miranda tried to claw her little nails of desperation into Jo while she still had her attention. She'd been isolated in her cell for almost three weeks now with nothing to do and nobody to speak to.

"It's better to cut off a rotten limb in order to preserve the rest of the body from getting infected."

"Rotten limb? I am a genetically modified human being, everything about me gives me an edge. I am the future of our race."

"Then how come you're so barren?"

Miranda gasped in the first real surprise since Jo met her, and everyone who listened in dropped their jaws.

"How did you… My file is classified!"

"I don't need to read your file to know that. One look at you tells me you're a woman who compensates. You can't create life within your own body, so you try everything you can to prove to the world that you are worth anything at all."

"That is not true. You just made a lucky guess."

"If you choose to believe that, I won't stop you. Truth is, you may be genetically modified to fulfil your daddy's sex doll fantasy, but as far as humanity goes, as far as any organic being goes, or any being with an emotional drive and a moral compass, you are rotten to the core. You are emotionally retarded to the point of being unable to function in society. General consensus about you seems to be 'pure cold-hearted bitch', and those are not my words. You never had and never will have any friends because you don't know the first thing about what connects people. You can sexually manipulate people with your looks, but anyone can tell you: you can't have a relationship with a plastic sex doll. You measure people's worth by the stats in their med file and their psych evaluation. You don't know how to actually deal with people, you cannot care for someone. This is why no one else will ever care for you. Caring means putting your soul out there, and you don't seem to have a soul to put out there. And that freaks me out like nothing else in the galaxy. You're artificial to the core."

There was deadly silence all around the ship. Jo knew the entire crew was listening, even if only through the intercom.

"You are preposterous," Miranda had her stony mask on, trying to keep her last shred of dignity in the suit that slid off her, and couldn't. "I'm not artificial. I was born very much like any other human being."

"Genetically modified to the point of being artificial, that's how you explained to me your sorry condition on the very first day."

"I certainly did not!"

"I can read between the lines. Yes, Miranda, I can actually read," she snorted. "I know you and your sugar daddy think I'm just a soldier. But you have no idea. You are cancer on my ship and I would have killed you right away, only some people don't want me to stoop down to your level. They care about me. So I let you live. But don't mistake my mercy for something it's not. You are my enemy, the worst kind of enemy. You stand against everything I believe in. Like any cancer, you should be killed to save the rest of the body, and only my trust in the power of these doors and these guards stands between you and my incendiary round in your head."

"I may not be able to carry children, but everything else about me more than makes up for that, Shepard."

"No, not really. You didn't work your ass off to make yourself better, like the rest of us did, you took what you have for granted and declared yourself perfect. You didn't earn it, you don't deserve it. You do not deserve our company."

"I brought you back to life, didn't I? If that's not an achievement, then what is?"

"You wanted to install a control chip in my head, first of all. Second: necromancy. That's what you were doing in that lab. Raising the dead. Digging elbow-deep in a corpse's insides. Cutting up dead flesh. Did you take pleasure in that? Necromancy is one of the creepiest remnants of human barbarism for a reason, Dolly. And yet the creepiest part of it is that you honestly expect me to be grateful to you for it."

"I gave you back your life!"

"My time was over. My work was done. If you were as great as you think you are, why didn't you save the galaxy from the Reapers? What do you need me for, oh so highly intelligent and perfect one?"

This was what finally shut Miranda up, but only for a moment.

"I'm not a leader," she said. "You can't expect everyone to be as charismatic as you. That's why leaders exist, that's why they're so rare. You can lead, and I can't, but I do my work to the best of my abilities and there is no such thing as impossible for me."

"Oh, there is. Have you ever been in love?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"_Everything_," Jo said. Miranda remained silent, clearly confused about Jo's words, and the rest of the crew remained silent, trying to hide the fact that they were eavesdropping.

Jo left the soldiers in charge of the door again and brought Miranda's clothes down to the cargo bay personally. She didn't say anything to all the eavesdroppers.

* * *

Joker's hands shook a little. Frankly, watching Shepard tear Miranda a new one was better than any porn. This was the woman who inspired a whole generation, who commanded respect and loyalty in millions of hearts and minds. He would always be proud to say that he was a part of her army, loyal to the core.

He could also see how her words were affecting the rest of the crew. How they straightened up, lifted their chins, proud of their own hard work and achievements, touched by her faith in them and moved deep in their souls by a sense of belonging.

This was Shepard magic in the making. This was why she was the N7 Lieutenant Commander Spectre Shepard. They belonged to her now, as she belonged to them.

Damnit, of course he loved seeing the woman behind the legend, the person behind the hero, her private moments between publicity. But fuck, now and then even he was allowed to enjoy the legend! Because it was there, it was a part of Shepard just like her private moments were. His heart ached at the thought that even the most exaggerated myths about her were true – she was really THAT great, and he was proud of her. Proud of everything about her: the grandeur, the cruelty, the overwhelming, fierce protectiveness, the simplicity, the secrets, the gentleness, the humanity, the alienness. He would never be ashamed to say that he was a believer. Yes, he would follow her anywhere, do anything for her.

He set course for Illium to pick up two new team members. The whole crew was in good spirits, even EDI. Except later, when he stayed at his work station way too long to go through systems check with EDI and realised most people were already asleep, he found Shepard sitting alone in the mess hall. It was almost dark there and she sat at the dinner table with her eyes closed and feet raised onto a chair next to her, as if she was asleep, except she wasn't.

"Shepard?" He asked carefully and she cracked an eye open. "What are you doing here?"

"Resting."

"Why here?"

"Because I don't sleep and I'm sick of my cabin."

Joker's chest tightened. She was a great actress, a fantastic one. The inspiration and grandeur she'd been oozing earlier today was gone and he could see the empty shell, the shadow of the woman she used to be. The difference hit him like a brick wall.

He grabbed a chair before his legs gave in. Everything had its price. She was paying for being the hero of the galaxy and she would continue to pay for the rest of her days. Yes, she was the pillar of the world, she carried the whole weight of it, but nobody was asking if she was strong enough. Nobody was offering her help. The galaxy took her for granted. Even the closest and strongest of her friends, like Garrus and Wrex, always looked up to her for guidance.

Joker wondered if he really was the only one who could see any of this. She wasn't hiding, for fuck's sake, she was sitting right here in the mess hall! He remembered her primal screams from last night. It was all a part of the picture and he shivered at the thought that he was the only one blessed or cursed with the ability to see. It made him wonder about his own role in this apocalyptic tale.

"You need to sleep, Joker. Go to bed," she interrupted his heavy thoughts with a smile. "I'll be fine."

Joker wished he could do anything else right now, but in the end he simply got up and left for the dorm without another word. This was getting too big for him. Yes, he was a believer. Yes, he was loyal and would go with her to the end of the world. But the magnitude of what was happening suddenly rolled over him like a tsunami.

His legs barely carried him to his bunk. He fell on it, breathing erratically, holding his chest as his heart pounded away. His mind was racing a mile a minute. He was having a panic attack. What was he doing here? Yes, he was flying the ship because nobody else could do it better than him. But on the grand scale of things, where the whole damn galaxy's salvation depended on one little human girl, what was he doing here? Why him? He was a cripple, not even a warrior. What could he possibly do for the galaxy? Did he even care about this stupid, ungrateful galaxy?

They were in the middle of an apocalypse and yet only the people on one tiny ship seemed to be aware of it. The rest of the world was blissfully ignorant. Shepard had always been the one destined to pay the price for saving those ignorant fools, mostly from themselves. But he was right here, on the same tiny ship, a speck of dust in the big picture. He was one of those few who knew of the apocalypse and tried to stop it. What would be _his_ price to pay?

Whatever it would be, he knew it would be the end of him, when the time came.

Joker didn't know if he could do it. Flying the ship – easy. Flying the Normandy – anything but easy. Normandy stood for so many things. He didn't know if he was ready for any of this.

His chest heaved, trying to pump more oxygen into his system, but he still felt like he was suffocating. He was about to start screaming, just like Shepard did, when suddenly a ship-wide alarm blasted in the speakers and threw him and the rest of the sleeping crew out of their beds.


	21. Only my amusement

Jo was still in the mess hall after Joker left, trying to relax her eyes. She constantly felt like there was sand behind her eyelids from the lack of sleep, but she was much more afraid of falling asleep and experiencing the nightmare. Karin had given her a strong sleeping medicine today but it hadn't worked.

"Commander, there is something in Engineering that you need to see," EDI spoke up.

Oh? Interesting. Jo got up and went to the elevator without asking further questions. If EDI spoke up to her, it must be important.

"It might be better if you take a quiet route down the ladder, Commander," EDI suggested.

"Ok, now I'm intrigued," Jo said and did as suggested.

When she emerged in a dark corner of Engineering, she heard Kelly talk to someone.

"…I suspected as much, but I wasn't sure. It opens up a lot of new possibilities."

"Use this information to our advantage, Miss Chambers, and see that you bring order into this mess again."

It was the Asshole.

Jo's insides tightened. She'd forbidden any communication with him under the threat of immediate death, yet here Kelly was, on a direct line with him.

"Also, please remind Mr. Taylor that he still owes Cerberus and it would be in his best interest to make sure Miranda is free again. I didn't send one of my best operatives to oversee this mission just to have her locked up."

"I understand, Sir. I'll get on it right away."

"I expect a report in another week. Do not wait so long to get back to me again, Miss Chambers," he said with iron in his voice. Well, at least it seemed that this was her first contact with him since Jo took over the Normandy. EDI was truly a very proficient observer.

"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir."

The Asshole disconnected and Chambers started a protocol on the console to wipe all traces of her activity. Jo watched her, as she thought about what she'd heard. What kind of information had the Asshole given her that opened up new possibilities? Damn, she'd arrived a minute too late.

Finally, Kelly took her OSD out of the console and turned around to see if anyone had noticed her. When her eyes met Jo's, the red-haired woman squeaked. For a moment she couldn't decide if she wanted to run or faint.

"Resistance is futile, darlin'," Jo told her. "EDI, replay that whole conversation for me, please, I seem to have missed some crucial points."

Kelly looked at her with blank terror, as EDI played the dialogue. In it Kelly told the Asshole about her drinking, screaming, PTSD, and the purge of Cerberus clothes, along with her speculations about Jo's ability to lead the mission. In return he told her that Jo was in love with Joker. That raised the little hairs on Jo's neck.

"What makes him so sure of that?" She asked Kelly.

"I don't know, Commander."

"And truthfully?"

"I really don't know!" The girl wailed in panic and tried to run towards the elevator. Jo was on her in half a second, twisted her arm behind her back and dragged her after herself.

"EDI, sound a ship-wide alert and gather everyone in the CIC. Then follow the protocol Interception-B." During one of her sleepless nights Jo devised several courses of action in case of a situation just like this and EDI knew what she had to do now.

A siren blared across the ship, throwing soldiers off their bunks. Within four minutes everyone was gathered in the CIC, most of the day crew only half-dressed. They were blinking at the bright light and frowning in confusion.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Jo said, still holding Kelly by her wrist in a bent-over position. "On the day I took over the command of this vessel, what did I say would happen if I found any of you in contact with Cerberus?"

After a moment of general confusion Jacob spoke up:

"You said you'd put a bullet in the person's head."

"I did. And so far to the best of my knowledge all of you have kept your end of that bargain. I wish to express my gratitude for that and to inform you that Miss Chambers has sadly not been so wise. Five minutes ago I caught her speaking to the Asshole. Now, I won't be putting a bullet to her brain. I have too much compassion with the people who would have to clean the mess afterwards. I have a better idea."

Twenty four people stared at her, not quite sure what was happening. Newer crew members hadn't seen her go ballistic on Miranda on her first day, and the rest of them probably still didn't believe that Jo would actually murder anyone of them in cold blood.

Jo let go of Kelly's wrist and stepped aside to give the shaking woman a little space to collect herself.

"Kelly Chambers, you disobeyed a very strict order from your captain, you betrayed us to our greatest enemy and you compromised the safety of this ship. I hereby declare you guilty of treason and sentence you to immediate termination. Start walking that way," she jerked her chin towards the cockpit. Kelly looked behind her in panic, confused for a moment, until she realised what was right next to the cockpit.

The airlock.

"No. No, I won't!" She collapsed on the floor, tears and panic shaking her violently. By now even the onlookers around them were shivering a little. It was dawning on them what was about to happen.

"Stand up," Jo ordered, but Kelly curled into a foetal position and screeched in panic:

"No, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please, don't…"

Jo unfolded the whole power of her personality. Her voice got that depth that always sent shivers down people's spines, her eyes shot fire bolts and her whole body started pulsating with the energy of her unbending willpower. It was a schooled, practiced display and Jo knew very well its effect on people, N7 made sure of that.

"Get up now, Kelly, and stop embarrassing yourself." The words cut off the girl's cries. "You knew the risks of what you did tonight, didn't you?"

"Y… Yes…"

"And you did it anyway. You were prepared to deal with the consequences."

"Ye-hes…" She started crying again.

"Get up. At least in the last moments of your life have the greatness to walk with your head held high. You believe in Cerberus, don't you?"

"I do," Kelly said a little bit calmer.

"Then have the courage to die for what you believe in."

"I don't wanna die!..."

"Who does? But this ship is on a suicide mission, so I don't know why you're here in the first place if you want to have a happily ever after. We're all going to die very soon. But you get to do so proudly, standing tall for what you believe in from the bottom of your soul. For Cerberus. Come on, Kelly, get up now and show us what you're made of."

"I can't…"

"You're a loving person, Kelly. You're keeping all these lovely people from their sleep and work. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

Kelly actually got up at that point, even if only to give Jo a glare for a stupid remark like that.

"Now, start walking."

She tried to protest, even tried to run, but Jo was towering over her, physically as well as mentally. She subdued the young woman with the sheer power of her will into actually willingly walking towards the airlock. The crew watched the scene with blank terror.

Kelly protested once more when she stood right in front of the decontamination chamber. She was trembling violently, sweating like it was raining, her face was somewhere between sheet-white and ash-gray. Her knees almost gave in, but Jo gently held her elbow, helping her to stand.

"Come on, Kelly. Step in. Face the consequences and be proud of yourself."

The whole crew was now gathered around the airlock, watching, sweating, pale. Jo was fascinated that nobody had said a single word to stop this.

Kelly started weeping like a garden hose, but eventually she broke. She knew what was happening when she submitted to Jo's superior willpower and made that final step. Voluntarily. She couldn't refuse.

The door closed. Jo turned to the crew:

"Her orders were to remind you, Jacob, of your loyalty to Cerberus. You are to make sure Miranda is free and in control again. Would you like to join Miss Chambers?"

"I'm good, Commander," Jacob said. He tried to look brave, but his voice was a little high-pitched.

"Is no one going to interfere with this execution?" Jo asked the others, her eyes landing on Joker. "Even you? Last time you stopped me from killing Miranda."

"You warned us all, Commander," the dishevelled, pale man said. He didn't wear his cap and his green eyes sparkled in the light of the room. "If she's stupid enough to go against you, God help her because I won't bother anymore."

"All right, then. EDI, you know what to do. Run the protocol."

The outer door of the decontamination chamber hissed and Kelly, knowing her last hope to survive was gone, threw herself against the inner door in a fit of panic. Her wails and screeches could be heard all across the ship.

Gabby gagged and turned away, burying her face in Ken's shirt. Dr. Chakwas closed her eyes and bit her lips like she was in pain. Hadley flopped down in the pilot's chair like his legs couldn't carry him. Mordin looked indifferent. Jack lifted an eyebrow. Grunt bumped his fists together.

The screams stopped suddenly with a loud thump against the door.

"EDI, that should be enough. Open the door."

"Yes, Commander," the AI said and the door they were all staring at hissed and opened. The outer door was shut, the air was still in the chamber and Kelly lay unconscious on the floor, breathing erratically, with a giant bruise forming on her forehead after she'd thrown her whole body against the door in a last fit of panic.

"What?.. What happened?" The crew burst out in incredulous questions. Jo crouched and gathered Kelly's unconscious body in her arms.

"Let's hope she's learned her lesson," she said to the crew. They were all staring at her in shock. "Next time that door really will open."

She carried Kelly past all the people to the med bay. Nobody followed her. Nobody said a word.

The crew was too shocked to go back to beds or work again. But there was no talk, either. Each of them had to come to terms with what they'd seen on their own. Jo could bet her right hand that none of them would ever forget how she'd talked a person into willingly stepping into an execution chamber.

In the meantime Jo sat at Kelly's side in the med bay, wiped the blood off her forehead gently, waiting for her to regain consciousness. It didn't take too long.

"What… where am I?"

"What does it look like?" Jo smiled. Her presence was probably worse than hell to the red-haired girl right now.

"You fucking bitch," Kelly breathed out, too drained by the experience to do anything more than whisper.

"You're only stating the obvious, Kelly."

"You made me think you'd kill me."

"No, honey. I talked you into voluntarily walking out of the airlock. I promised you I'd show you what makes me who I am, didn't I?"

"You… you…" Kelly had no words. The hysterics finally caught up with her and she collapsed in another fit of weeping and wails.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay," Jo gently patted the girl's back while she cried and trembled.

"Why?" Kelly finally asked, when she could talk again. "Why didn't you kill me? Why are you sitting here, comforting me?"

"Because you amuse me, Kelly. You're so young, stupid, helpless and naïve, I'm just having too much fun torturing you."

"Or maybe you're not such a ruthless murderer as you pretend to be, Commander."

"Uhuh, yeah, have you seen me in action? Ask Joker tomorrow what I did to a guy who used to run in the same gang with me when we were kids." Jo laughed. "You know, many people play chess or poker or even football for recreation. Those games are boring to me. I play mind games for fun. It's such a joy seeing you squirm and wail in panic while I'm not even laying a finger on you. The moment you stop amusing me I really will kill you. I still have Jacob and Miranda to torture. I want you to know one thing for sure: the minute you stepped onto my ship, you sealed your fate. One way or the other, I will not let you walk free ever again. You're mine now, my toy. If you betray me again and make me kill you – nice. If we survive this suicide mission and I let everyone else go back to their lives, I will find you in some dark alley and slice your throat. There is no escape for you. There is only my amusement."

Kelly stared at her with such horror that Jo thought she'd made the girl suicidal.

"Leave me alone…" Kelly begged. She was broken. Jo looked at her and wondered why she enjoyed destroying someone so profoundly. She wasn't always this cruel, was she?

Not always, no. But the cruelty was a part of her, always had been. Yet unlike most humans out there Jo had no problem seeing the viciousness as a valid part of herself, not as a flaw. It had its uses.

"Oh, you're too much fun to torture. Well, sweet dreams, darlin'," she got up and left Kelly alone in the bay.

Some people were giving her odd glances when she stepped into the mess hall, but not all of them. Grunt seemed a bit disappointed that no death had occurred tonight. Zaeed looked at her with a new kind of appreciation, and so did Jack. Garrus gave her a pat on the shoulder and went back to sleep without comment. Mordin was telling some crew members of the necessity of her actions. Joker stood at the kitchen counter, sipping water from a tall glass. She came up to him, took the glass from his hand, drank it empty and filled exactly as much water back before giving the glass back to him. He just watched her with a half-grin.

"You're a real bitch, aren't you, Commander?"

"Yep," she nodded. "And you like that about me."

"No, I don't," he tried, but her raised eyebrow silenced him. "Damn it. Guilty as charged."


	22. I think I'm in love

The morning seemed surreal. The whole crew was still somewhat shocked by the events of last night. So was Joker. When he took over the cockpit from Hadley, he was thinking about his own behaviour. It hadn't even occurred to him last night to try and stop Shepard, not even when she asked him about it. He couldn't say that he wished Kelly Chambers dead, not at all. But he hadn't cared to step in and ask Shepard to spare her, either. A part of him liked watching Shepard do stuff like that. Cruel, vicious things. Maybe it was the porcupine in him talking, years of being bullied by everyone around him, years of wishing he could do something about that, something physical. Punch. Kick. Kill. Or maybe he was just that kind of a person. Did that make him bad?

Well, there had been twenty three other people next to him watching the almost-execution and none of them had said a word, even Dr. Chakwas. If he was bad, he was not the only one. Still, he didn't think Shepard would have allowed anyone to question her actions. She'd proven that she was the boss of Kelly Chambers, in the process reminding the entire crew that she was the boss of them all and would tolerate nothing that went against her plan.

It was a little funny how he, given his affinity towards breaking the rules and sticking it to the man, had never been even as much as reprimanded by her.

Joker wondered about Shepard, though. EDI had known what to do, so Shepard must have planned for this all along. Always prepared and always expecting the worst. She hadn't really planned to execute Kelly, which probably made her a better person than anyone else on the ship. She'd put them all to the test in one way or another.

They had the rest of the day to kill before arriving on Illium and Garrus asked Shepard to spar with him. The whole crew assembled in the cargo bay. Even Joker decided to go see it personally. It was either that or watching the security camera feed and listen to the Thing's commentary. Joker knew which he preferred.

Everybody was curious to see their CO and XO spar. Their friendship was the stuff of legends in itself and nobody wanted to miss it. Especially Grunt. Instead of their usual hand to hand sparring, however, Garrus opened a case that arrived for him on the Citadel and presented Shepard with two items.

"What is this?" She asked curiously.

"D'oles, traditional turian weapons," Garrus said, taking the items out of the case. They looked a lot like swords, only their tips were shaped like 1, making them vicious, dangerous hook-like spikes. "These are for you," he handed both of them to Shepard and opened another case to grab his own pair. "There is a code of honour to follow in a d'oles combat. I'd like to teach you."

"I'd be honoured," she bowed her head a little. The whole crew watched them as Garrus proceeded to show Shepard the basic stances and moves. It was clear as day that she already knew several sword fighting techniques from Earth and had the wisdom to both apply the knowledge where needed and to discard that knowledge in order to not mar a turian tradition. As it turned out, turians had a similar way to honour their opponent as humans did: a little bow of their heads.

The show was beautiful. Once Shepard learned the basics, it became a dance of clinking metal and swishing sounds when the blades cut the air. She was more than just a quick study. She had the same serene concentration on her face as Garrus did. To Joker it looked kind of like Shepard had flipped a switch in her head and became a turian. He watched and thought that these multiple personalities-on-demand really made her the citizen of the world, the avatar of all species. One didn't have to wonder why her primary goal was to make everyone in the galaxy work together in peace.

The rest of the crew was amazed. Half of them were convinced that she'd already known how to use these turian weapons, the other half was betting on the Commander's ability to learn fast from her best friend. Joker just watched her move. She wore black sweats and a tight grey tank top with a sporty bra underneath. No shoes. Those sweats made her long legs look even longer and her small feet peaking from under the hems kind of erotic. The tank top rode higher on her belly and showed a stripe of bare, white skin. She was sweating a little and her arms and chest glistened in the bright light. She moved like she was born dancing. Joker realised how rarely he saw her fight without her armour on. She seemed weightless, fluid, a beautiful, white symphony of never ending delight. As he watched her, he lived a lifetime with her, through her. He'd never been able to move much, or at all, always careful of his every step. He should have been envious as he watched another human being in such a harmony with her body, moving like it was as easy as breathing. But he wasn't envious or bitter. He knew he would never be able to have that for himself, but he felt like she was taking him with her, moving with him, for him. It was a lot like when he made the Normandy dance for her. He could take her dancing his way, and she could take him dancing her way.

There was an ache in his chest which he ignored for the time being, but he knew he couldn't ignore it forever.

After three hours they ended the session with the customary bows.

"They are beautiful," Shepard said, finally looking closer at the items she held in her hands.

"Those are the markings of my clan," Garrus pointed at the etchings on both blades. Everyone gathered around to take a better look. Joker saw a pattern that resembled Garrus' facial markings a little. Even he, knowing almost nothing about turian traditions and culture beyond what he'd heard Garrus tell Shepard, could see that she was holding something extraordinary on her hands. "These d'oles are a sort of a family heirloom. As an officer's son I was taught the code of honour bound to d'oles fight early on. When I reached adulthood, my father gave them to me. I want you to have them."

"What?" Shepard gasped. "Garrus, I couldn't…"

"They are mine, Shepard, and I'm free to do with them as I please. You would honour me and my whole clan by accepting them as a gift. And you realise, of course, that refusing them would be a harsh insult?" Garrus added the last bit with a grin. Joker could see a whole range of emotions on Shepard's face as she ran her hand along the flat side of a blade. Then she grabbed Garrus' collar and brought his forehead down against hers:

"If only I had even a single family heirloom, Garrus…"

"I know."

"I swear I'll do everything in my power to make sure that there _is_ a next generation that we can pass these d'oles on to."

"I swear, too," he said.

"So do I," Zaeed nodded, and one after another everyone present joined them in the oath.

* * *

Jo took a few hours to rest and check up on Kelly in the med bay. Dr. Chakwas didn't comment on last night in any way and Kelly turned away from her, kind of shrinking in size. Jo doubted she would ever hear a word from the red-head again. After lunch Grunt insisted on sparring with her again. He had no surprises for her in store, like Garrus, but apparently he'd been doing a lot of thinking since their last sparring match. He wasn't bragging or taunting or taking anything for granted. He really did his best. She whopped his ass for over four hours with almost no spectators. After the morning practice people found something more interesting to do with their afternoon. Grunt turned out to be a stubborn, relentless student. Once he accepted that she truly could dismember him in seven seconds, he threw all his energy into learning from her. He had miles to go before he could resemble even an N1, of course, but by the end of that session he knew how to listen to her, how to fight alongside her and not get in her way.

In the evening Jo assembled the whole crew in the mess hall. Even Miranda was brought from her cell and shackled to a chair, and Kelly was escorted from the med bay. Jo declared a vid night, but instead of vids she made everyone watch reports and vid logs from her old missions that involved Cerberus.

Miranda defiantly refused to comment and Kelly simply walked back to the med bay with a blank face when the vids were over. The rest of them were either sickened or in Jack's case righteously angered.

All in all it had been a good day, but Jo knew she still wouldn't be able to fall asleep, even after many hours of physical exertion. She noticed that Joker was still in the cockpit, arguing about something with EDI. She had an idea.

She went to her cabin and lay down on the bed.

"EDI, do not tell anyone about what I'm going to do now," she warned the AI.

"Yes, Commander," EDI said.

Jo logged her omnitool into the comm system and found that it wasn't really hard to hack the feed from the earpieces the crew wore. She directed the audio from Joker's device to go to her own. She could hear his voice now, yet he wasn't aware of it.

"Commander, may I ask why you're doing this?" EDI dared. Jo noticed that EDI was starting to ask questions these days, mostly questions about organic motives.

"To increase the chances of this mission's success," Jo said. It was true, too. If Joker's voice could help her relax and rest, she would be better off as a Commander and the mission would benefit from it.

"I see," EDI said and Jo was grateful that she hadn't asked for specifics. She didn't know if it was for her benefit or if EDI always kept Joker so busy, but the AI made sure he talked a lot that evening.

Next thing Jo knew was that she woke up after three hours of dreamless sleep. She felt better, actually rested and decided it was worth repeating the experiment in the future. It was decidedly too early to try and get him to sleep with her, but she could listen to his voice to relax.

* * *

Illium was… interesting. Shepard hadn't given anyone shore leave, she just took Jack and Grunt with her and left. Hence, for the lack of anything better to do, pretty much the entire crew gathered around Joker and his mission control consoles.

"They just won't let her leave the port," he muttered to himself, observing first some official stop the team, then a messenger from the rachni queen, then an old friend Gianna Parasini. He could tell Shepard was glad to see the spunky woman and really happy to hear good news from her "pet". Joker didn't know why the rest of the crew found it so fascinating to watch the Commander shopping, talking to people, walking around looking at sights. Still, they stayed. Liara's appearance on Illium was a little surprising, since Joker hadn't bothered to stay in touch with any survivors from the first Normandy's crash, except with Dr. Chakwas. The little bookworm had become an information broker? Frankly, Joker didn't like her sounding like her mother when she threatened to flay someone with her mind, but then all of them had changed in some way or another. Only a couple weeks ago he was angry, bitter and disillusioned himself.

Shepard took the hint: Liara couldn't speak freely of her problems in her office, so she just took off on her own business. Which turned out to be blond, annoying and wearing a crappy, painted piece of N7 armour. People around him were interested in the history between Shepard and Verner and Garrus indulged them with a story. In the meantime Shepard took time to deal with the bitch who hired Verner, and then she shot Conrad in the foot. She'd taken real offence to him wearing the white-red stripes. She pinned the man down and personally scratched the N7 sign off his chest with her hunting knife. Then she actually stopped around some corner to listen to a volus customer at a store. She was not the only one shaking when his speech rose to the words:

"Do you have anything flashier? I want something that says "I own this room, I own you"."

Everybody was rolling on their backs, holding their bellies at that point.

Then there was the green asari from Zhu's Hope who asked Shepard to help and she agreed. A few moments later she was consoling a crying alien-hater in her arms despite some particularly harsh words thrown at her.

"How does she do that?" Gabby asked.

"What?"

"People just throw themselves at her one way or another. How does she decide whom to help, whom to threaten with a gun, whom to shoot in the foot or even in the head?"

"Nobody knows," Joker shrugged. "That's a thought process that makes her Shepard and so far it seems to be working."

"You realise, guys, that I can hear you all in my earpiece?" Shepard said.

"Sorry, Commander," Gabby smiled apologetically.

Then, in some dark alley, a flying asari body hit the wall right next to Shepard. She didn't flinch, just nodded, impressed. A moment later another body hit the floor and the infamous justicar who did the throwing floated along, asking the injured merc questions. Shepard stopped to observe the interrogation.

"Oh, my," she whispered when Samara finally killed her victim. "I think I'm in love."

"I know what you mean, Commander," Joker said, never minding the people around him. Those boobies!

No, really, he could see what she meant. Apart from those magnificent boobies Samara was pure grace, wisdom, serenity and death. She was absolute in every way. When she turned her attention to Shepard, they introduced themselves and then the police officer appeared to take Samara into custody, telling her she wouldn't be able to release her in one day.

"You won't be able to stop me," Samara said. There were several people who sucked in a breath, impressed. Shepard was one of them. Those were the words she would have said in the same situation. Those words sent shivers down people's spines.

Then the real action began. As the team stormed the Eclipse HQ, people around Joker got really into it. They were cheering the team on, giving their own advice, talking louder to get heard. The whole thing seemed more and more like watching a biotiball finale in a stadium. Shepard had been in a good mood all day and they enjoyed the freedom she was giving them. Except after a while Joker noticed that her fighting wasn't at her best. Shepard caught a few bullets she shouldn't have, missed her targets several times and her shields were down more often than not.

"People, be quiet, please!" He yelled at everyone around him, but both Zaeed and Jacob were enjoying the fight on the screens too much to stop yelling their advice, and the rest of the people followed their example.

A gunship appeared over a bridge that offered almost no cover and opened fire. Jack got knocked on her ass and Grunt lost his shields right away. Shepard's missile launcher did some damage but she had to lean from her sparse cover to shoot and whoever was on that ship had a wickedly good aim.

"Come on, Shepard, show them!" Zaeed cheered. "You can do better than that!"

Grunt went down and the scans showed that Shepard's shields were gone and her heart rate was climbing, as her blood pressure fell. She ducked deeper and shook her head, dizzy from the last hit she took.

For the first time Joker actually got worried. Before he could yell at people to shut up, she raised her voice into her communicator:

"Everybody in the cockpit, I can fucking hear your every word and you're fucking distracting the fuck out of me! Go and watch on some other console and leave Joker the fuck alone! 'Cause if I die here, I'll come back and haunt your fucking asses to the end of the galaxy!"

A moment's pause preceded the sound of people fleeing the cockpit in silence.

"Shepard, gunship at your seven," Joker said. He wished he could do something, anything at all. But as always all he could do was watch. She used medigel on herself but couldn't get to her companions without leaving her cover. "Careful, it's rising to go over the bridge. Find another cover."

"Yeah," she said and gripped her missile launcher tighter. She only had two missiles left and it didn't look like it would be enough. By far.

"What can I do, Shepard? Should I send Garrus with a team to get you?"

"No. Tell me a joke."

"What?" He almost swallowed his tongue.

"A joke. A bad one, please."

The gunship was over the bridge, shooting at her, and Joker's brain short-circuited. A joke? If that was her order, he would oblige, just because.

"Ok, Shepard, as you wish. A human, a krogan and a salarian walk into a bar…"

When he began the joke, she took a calming breath, leaned from her cover and released both missiles. As they hit, she grabbed her rifle with the incendiary rounds and rolled to another cover. The gunship flew up and away but returned immediately to meet her fire. When the joke was done, Shepard had single-handedly demolished the offending machine.

The explosion was beautiful against the purple sunset. Shepard got medigel to her companions and Joker's heart was still beating like crazy.  
"This was too close, Commander," he said. "Really, too close."

"Joker, you have no idea what I'm capable of if you're in my ear," she said quietly, even… gently.

"Whatever works," Garrus spoke up from behind him. Joker finally looked around and found all the spectators gone except for the turian, who had managed to stay quiet.

On the screens Shepard was carefully inspecting a big gash on Jack's head. It wasn't difficult, what with the psychotic biotic's lack of hair.

"Stop fussin' over me, bitch, I'm fine" Jack tried to push Shepard aside, but the Commander simply swatted her hands away.

"I'll be the judge of that."

Both Garrus and Joker looked with interest as Jack agreed to be touched and doctored with a pleased smirk, even though she continued cussing. She liked Shepard's attention, like everybody else.

Minutes later they had the name of the ship Samara wanted, even though the drugged volus had to suffer for Shepard's amusement. When the team returned to the police station, Pitne For asked Shepard to return the shipping manifest she found for a reward. Both Garrus and Joker observed with curiosity. They knew that their financial situation was tight and Shepard was looking for ways to make money, but this would be against her principles. She never aided criminals, especially petty ones. Money or principle?

Principle won and she sent the volus on his way. Joker knew that she'd just sacrificed some upgrade for the ship or the team, but he couldn't help being proud of her. She managed to remain true to herself and to the cause, no matter how much pressure she was under. After they handed in all the intel that they found in the base, Samara dropped on one knee and started glowing.

"By the code, I will serve you, Shepard. Your choices are my choices. Your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code." The justicar got up and added with a little smile: "If you make me do something extremely dishonourable, I may need to kill you when I'm released from my oath."

If the enigmatic asari thought this a joke, she was in for a surprise, when Shepard stepped closer to her and placed a hand on her own heart:

"I swear to respect your code, your morals and your wishes. If I make you do something dishonourable or act dishonourably myself, I will willingly accept your judgement and punishment."

"Are you sure?" Jack looked a little nervous. "You really shouldn't throw words like that around, Shepard."

"Your companion is not wrong," Samara said. "Not many people would dare to make such an oath to a justicar. You surprise me."

"And you impress me," Shepard said. A smile sizzled between the two women and Joker suddenly became very aware that only one of them was an actual woman. The asari, when they liked someone, didn't let the gender question stop them. And Samara clearly… appreciated Shepard. Damn those boobies, he thought.

Illium really was pretty strange. Liara seemed more than just angry at the Shadow Broker. Malevolence dripped from her every word. She talked in circles for a while, and then she dropped the bomb.

"Did Cerberus ever tell you how they recovered your body? I gave it to them. I gave you to them because they said they could rebuild you. And to do that I had to take your corpse from the Shadow Broker, who was going to sell you to the Collectors."

Joker bit his lip. He hadn't known. He'd just assumed that Cerberus had contacts to procure even the most unusual things. He never would have dreamed that the young, bookwormish, wide-eyed Liara had gotten mixed up in something like this.

His own reaction to the news suddenly lost all meaning, when he saw through Grunt's feed from the side how Shepard's face changed. From concerned confusion to complete and utter blank emptiness.

A cold shiver ran down his spine. Udina got a glance like that once – a black spot of sorts. And now Liara. Udina may have hoped to escape his just deserts when she died, but she was back now and that tab was still open. So, Liara, an old friend from the past, had just received her own black spot.

Even though Shepard learned all she needed to find the assassin and she had information Cerberus wanted her to pass on to the young asari, she returned to the Normandy immediately after that confession. She stopped at her console in the CIC and froze, thinking.

Joker was curious about what was happening to Shepard. He got out of his chair and went to her instead of waiting for her to come to him.

"Care to tell me what's going on?" he asked her quietly, leaning his hip against the consoles.

"Liara gave my body to Cerberus. I can never look at her the same way again. She told me that asari took a philosophical approach to their alien friends' short lives. And now I find out she's the one who couldn't deal with losing me? But that aside, she is so damn angry… Like I was when I woke up on the Cerberus table. I thought I'd flay someone with my mind, too. I looked at her today and I got scared. I may never become the same Commander Shepard you knew from the old days, I'll always be called by the darkness, but I do not want to be consumed by it, like Liara. That is not me."

"Glad to hear it, Commander. Just don't stop doing badass things, you're awesome when you intimidate people, or, you know, shoot them just because they're there."

"Yeah, don't worry. I'll be your evil hero." She tilted her head and gave him a very unusual look. "Say, Joker, isn't it past the time you started calling me Jo, like all my friends do?"

A breath caught in his chest. He'd never called her that. Not even Johanna, not consciously anyway. Why would she… The implications… A red flag rose in his brain: avoid intimacy with the Commander. Her casual nickname was beyond intimate. His protective instincts kicked in:

"And why would I want to do that, Commander?" He tried for a joke and told himself that the disappointment in her eyes meant nothing. Why would it mean anything?

He returned to his station to do his job, though his heart was beating somewhere near his Adam's apple, but he had no time to really think about what just happened.

"I think I'm in love all over again," Shepard was whispering, as she stared after a krogan who caught her at the airlock to thank her for forwarding some incriminating message to his employer. "He was more polite and pleasant than a Buddhist monk!"

"You like polite krogans?" Grunt asked with suspicion.

"Do you?" Joker spoke up.

"Hell no," Shepard laughed. "If I did, neither of you would be anywhere near my ship. It's just the surprise, the unexpected, that gets me worked up. Anyway, moving on."

As the team was working its way up the Dantius towers, Joker could see something had changed in her whole body language, energy and air since he spoke to her an hour ago.

"She looks good out there," Garrus said from behind him. Joker jumped:

"Geez, warn a fella, would you?"

"Warning. Anyway, she seems efficient and extremely deadly again. No bullshit, no distractions. Dead aim, better than ever. Did she get over the whole fury and carnage thing and got back to being our normal Shepard from the old days?"

"Ha fucking ha. She seemed determined not to let her anger consume her after she spoke to Liara, so it's possible."

"Is she back? I mean, she'll always remain troubled, but is she back in the game?"

"Garrus, you're the ultra tough warrior. You tell me what you see."

"I'm seeing it. Just don't dare to believe."

They were interrupted by a conversation she was having with some merc:

"You have two ways down: express or coach."

"I've got nothing to say to you. If you shoot me- AAAAAAAAAH!" The glass broke and Shepard's camera tilted out of the building to look after the falling body:

"How about Goodbye?" She said after him, shrugged and turned back to the others.

"Damn, Shepard, I should take notes from you!" Jack was impressed. Of course.

Garrus and Joker exchanged a glance.

"That was hot," Joker said.

"Tell me about it," Garrus nodded.

"Oh my. Now I'm really in love," Shepard breathed out, as she watched their assassin fold his hands and silently pray over Nassana's dead body. The sunrise was framing him in the most magnificent way. Joker realised that they'd all been awake for a whole day and night – Shepard running around killing people, he monitoring the team from the cockpit. Was it tiredness that made Shepard confess love randomly all day long? Or was there something in these aliens that really attracted her? He didn't want to think about it, but think about it he did, as he got the order to set course for Haestorm. A message from the Illusive Man just arrived, telling them that Tali was there.

It was late morning when the ship was on its way and Hadley took over from Joker. Shepard had seen to their new guests' quarters, then went to talk to Samara and ended up in a meditation with her. She was still there when Joker went to his bunk to catch a few hours of sleep. The two women sat on the floor, facing each other, eyes closed, faces relaxed. Was he seeing the beginning of some real attraction there?

He remembered how Shepard told him once she wasn't interested in asari in a sexual way. Well, maybe things changed. Maybe she found a sort of kindred spirit in Samara. Maybe the asari could give her some peace of mind she needed in those sleepless nights of hers. Maybe she was better off with Samara, even if the thought made him want to go kill someone.

And maybe he should stop thinking about it.


	23. All my reasons

The ship got a new kind of atmosphere after Illium. Each of the two new team members brought a great deal of peace and serenity into the game and Joker saw the Commander spend countless hours talking or just being silent with either of them. They rescued Tali and he was glad to see another friendly face (helmet, whatever) on the ship, as Shepard started taking them on missions all over the galaxy to collect money, help people who kept writing her emails, gather resources and take care of some Cerberus problems. Those Cerberus missions for some reason always ended up being another crazy inhumane experiment gone awry and Shepard made them watch the vids afterwards, to show the crew the reality of their former employer.

Well, Joker personally didn't need convincing that Cerberus was evil, he'd already known that. He did his job: flew the ship and monitored the ground missions. But in-between missions he was once again the guy with the access to the security footage, so he observed the only person worth spying on.

Mordin told her one day about what he was really working on during his STG time and Shepard told him what she thought about that. The salarian was defending himself and his work, but Joker could see that Shepard's righteous anger shook his foundations. Joker considered himself a third party, unbiased. Which side would he take, if he was forced to choose? Humans didn't really know anything about the Krogan Rebellions. An army of blood-crazy krogans was not something he wanted to face. To every problem there was the solution, and since they were all intelligent species, why couldn't the evolution move up to the next level? Why couldn't the survival of the fittest be determined by which species could neuter the others? This way the most intelligent, adaptable and progressive species would survive. Did the future need more krogans or more salarians and turians?

If Shepard had been active during the Rebellions – what would her solution have been? Would she condemn the genophage like she did today? Would she do what N7s were made to do: whatever was necessary to win? Something told him that Shepard being Shepard, she would have marched on foot into the Krogan camp, challenged their leader to a fight to the death, won it but spared the leader's life, then impressed the krogans so much with her personality that they ended up purring like little kitten and rub their heads against her knees. That was his Shepard.

Jacob was awkwardly trying to flirt with the Commander, which Joker found incredibly amusing. He was the most unlikely candidate to catch Shepard's eye, that was for sure. How could a guy say to her face that he doubted some of her actions as much as he doubted Cerberus and then hope to get in her panties? A man doubted Commander Shepard only once.

Kelly spent three days in the med bay after her near-execution and then refused to show up for work in the CIC. Maybe it had something to do with the nightmares that Shepard's presence was giving her (the girl cried in her sleep a few times in the dorm and everyone knew that), or maybe it was the looks the rest of the crew were throwing at her. By betraying Shepard she'd become an outcast and nobody really wanted to associate with her, except Gardner, who took pity on the girl. Kelly ended up helping him, thus changing her own position on the ship. Shepard never said a word about that. She never needed a yeoman in the first place.

Jack on the other hand was becoming less of an outcast and more of a people person. Shepard included her in all activities like there was no question about her adequacy (which probably made Shepard the only person who thought so on the ship, but well…) and Jack seemed to open up like a blooming flower. She turned out to have a wicked sense of humour and a very unexpected appreciation for poetry.

Zaeed, Garrus and Grunt spent days in the cargo bay, training together. Those three had a lot in common: explosives. Joker dubbed them their resident boy band. They did not welcome biotics because Garrus adopted Shepard's view on them and the others accepted his leadership. Jacob remained on the sidelines.

There was also a girl-faction in the making. Kasumi, Tali, Gabby, Dr. Chakwas, Sarah Patel, Jenny Goldstein and even Jack would spend a lot of time in Kasumi's room, mixing drinks, talking, educating EDI on the men's wicked ways, discussing vids, fashion, all the things Joker had only a vague idea about. He'd been 16 when his little sister was born and already on the first Normandy when Gunny came into her teenage years. He knew little about what was in a girl's head or heart.

Shepard was not in the girl-faction. She was too much of a guy at heart. She was such a strange creature, really. With her unusual blond hair, her almost classic beauty, her killer of a body, her air of unshakable confidence and her predatory ways she should have been the leader of the girl-gang. But then there was her sense of fashion that tolerated only the colours white, black, and different shades of grey. When she went shopping for civilian clothes, she ended up with cargo pants, tank tops and hoodies. There was the fact that she never said a word about "men's wicked ways". Oh, she shared some stories about her private life here and there, but she cautiously expressed no judgement. She'd shocked the whole crew once when she told Jack that the younger woman couldn't know what 'tough' was unless she'd fucked a krogan.

"Have you?" Jack asked.

"Yes, once," Shepard said. It wasn't Wrex, she explained after people started questioning her about it, but never said who it actually was. Joker knew his Commander was not a typical girl, and on some level he could imagine that her upbringing on the streets of Vancouver in a gang weren't exactly the right milieu for a girly girl. Still, her classic almost-Marilyn-Monroe beauty stood in harsh contrast with her behaviour. And those little bits and pieces of information she sometimes dropped, like having slept with a krogan, really drove him insane. He realised that no matter how much he tried, he still knew very little about her. Her reply to that was:

"Stick around, Joker, and one day I just might tell you everything."

He'd heard that from her two years ago already and the phrase was starting to become familiar.

She was trying to get him hooked.

It worked, damnit.

They were on their way to take care of Zaeed's private request to help him with an old 'friend'. That day was lazy and Joker had nothing else to do but watch Shepard and Thane in the cargo bay on his monitors. Shepard had asked the assassin to train her in his ways a few days ago and now they were spending a lot of time down there. Joker was proud of Shepard's eagerness to learn everything she could about the drell. She kept asking him about his species, his history, homeworld, everything. What she didn't ask him about was his profession. Her face told him that she didn't have to. She already knew. After all, he'd been trained as an assassin, and so was she, only it was called differently. She still eagerly soaked up everything he could teach her about fighting. One day, Joker thought, he would ask her how many fighting techniques she knew. Under Thane's watchful eye she was learning the opposite of her usual style: instead of bludgeoning through the front gates he taught her the stealthy dance that was both spiritual and sensual in the way they moved around the cargo bay.

That was when Garrus came up to the cockpit and stopped, watching what Joker was watching.

"Is this how you guys felt the day I, Wrex and Tali first appeared on the original Normandy?" The turian asked softly. Joker turned his head to see what he meant. "I mean, the Commander got a brand new alien friend she wants to know all about and the old friends remain just that – old friends?"

"The term we used was 'alien pet', but in general: yes, pretty much," Joker shrugged. "Don't worry, you're still her very best friend."

"And where does that leave you?"

Now Joker really turned his chair to face the turian.

"Meaning?"

"You're the oldest of her friends on the ship. A little jealous?"

"No," Joker lied. He really had nothing to complain about. Shepard came to the cockpit very often to sit around, read or write emails, or even just relax in silence. Why would he be jealous of some other guy who had her all to himself in the cargo bay right now?

* * *

Jo, Zaeed and Jack were pursuing Vido Santiago across the burning facility. Zaeed had been a perfect squad mate right up until this mission. Suddenly he turned crazy-bloodthirsty-reckless and Jo didn't know how much she could really rely on him right now. The refinery was about to blow and suddenly a man shouted from the balcony above them:

"Help! We're trapped!"

"No time," Zaeed said firmly. "Vido's probably half-way to the shuttle docks by now."

"You're willing to watch these people die?" She asked.

"Damn right I am. We stop to help and Vido gets away. If he gets away, I'm blaming you."

Jo could have slugged him to make him obey her orders and help the refinery workers. She could have ignored them and followed Zaeed. Was this the day she was being heartless or over-the-top charitable? And did she really have only two choices?

She looked at Jack. The young biotic scowled at her in her usual way.

"Jack, you stay and help the workers. Zaeed's off to kill Santiago and I'm off to see that he doesn't do anything else incredibly stupid."

"Why? I'm not the girl to help, Shepard," Jack protested. "I'm more of a kill-'em-all girl. I'll go with Zaeed."

"Maybe it's time you stepped up and became more than what you settled for," Jo smiled in a way that she knew was getting under Jack's skin. "You are _just_ the girl to help. Zaeed is my burden today."

Jack looked like Jo slapped her. She glanced at the scared man on the balcony, then at her own feet.

"What am I supposed to do with them anyway?"

"You're the strongest human biotic in the galaxy. Levitate them all down here, if you have to, and take the route back to the main gate. We have no time, we'll meet you outside. And Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let anyone die on your watch. You're responsible."

Jo knew the right words to use. Jack didn't want to be responsible for anyone else but herself all her life. She wore her aloofness like Jo wore her N7 badge. Being forced into saving someone instead of killing and being responsible for someone's survival could show Jack a little glimpse of the other side. The side without anger.

Zaeed spared Jo no glance as he charged after Santiago, caught up with him and let him explode in a pool of fuel. When his revenge was exacted, Jo finally grabbed him by the collar and backed him forcefully into a wall:

"If you ever again leave innocent people to their death to pursue your vendetta, you're not worthy of being a part of my team, you're not worthy of anything other than dying like a miserable dog with nothing in his life but old regrets. Do you want to spend fifty more years filled with hatred somewhere in a tiny, filthy bar on a backwater colony where nobody knows who you are, nobody cares for your stories, nobody needs a hired gun? You'll be old, cold, desperate for anything at all to fill the emptiness in your soul that is eating you alive. Is that what you want?"

"Shepard, I've seen things you have no idea about. You're just a little girl compared to me. You have no idea what real hatred is."

"I may be young, Zaeed, but I spent years living outside the system, I was a criminal, the vermin under 'real' people's feet. I hated and I still hate with the power of a supernova. Don't tell me I don't know what hatred does to people. But unlike you I know what can fill the emptiness in my soul and I'm taking it wherever and however I can. Nothing, no kill or revenge can ever give you any real satisfaction."

Zaeed remained unconvinced up until the moment they met up with Jack. She had gotten thirty six people out, who now stood like lost little sheep around her, lamenting the loss of their jobs and property, but thanking Jack for saving their lives. Their honesty and innocent gratitude moved the young woman so much that she blushed. For the first time she wasn't cursing or slapping away hands that wanted to touch her. The workers shook her hands and patted her on her arms and shoulders, thanking her from the heart.

"If you still don't see what I see," Jo whispered to Zaeed, watching Jack as they waited for their pick-up shuttle. "Then even I can't really help you anymore."

* * *

Something was bothering Joker and he didn't know what. Everything annoyed him. Chatty girls in the dorm after lights-out, the Thing and her teasing, someone always eating his dessert before he could get it, everything. It bothered him that everyone and their uncle were dropping their issues on Shepard's head. Was there nobody in the world who could solve their own problems? Crew members were coming to Shepard and asking her to help them with some last request before the suicide mission, while Cerberus and even the Alliance brass kept sending her messages about more and more things they needed her to do. He also knew that she was spending a lot of time with all the new team members. He could see the connection between her and Thane grow deeper and deeper. No, she wasn't telling the drell anything real about herself or her past. Their conversations revolved around spiritual topics Joker didn't really bother to understand. All he could see were her rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes every time she left Life Support. All he knew was that she was working her magic on people during missions and the whole crew was half in love with her now. They breathed her, thought and talked about her, sought her company and conversation. Just like on the first Normandy.

And he didn't like that.

He was taking it out on her. He started being snappy whenever she came around. What, she couldn't find any other new, exciting crew members to obsess about and got bored enough to come and see his old, boring self? What could he possibly offer her except for sarcasm, when her alien friends brought amazing stories, wicked killing techniques, family heirlooms and camaraderie forged in battle, blood and sweat? He had never been one of them, never would be and didn't want to be. She could stick her charitable friendliness towards the cripple up her sweet, sweet ass.

Samara told Shepard that her daughter could be found on Omega and of course the Commander dropped everything to go help the justicar. She was just that kind of a person and Joker knew that the world was taking advantage of that. He cringed when Samara insisted Shepard go into the beast's den alone, unarmed and utterly vulnerable. He'd been angry with Samara all the while he observed Shepard cruise the lounge and make herself noticed, but when she ended up in Morinth's apartment, pinned down on her couch, Joker hated Shepard for agreeing to this, for putting herself in this danger needlessly. What was she thinking? Was she still trying to find a way to die, like she told him she would when Cerberus resurrected her?

If she was, he didn't want to have anything to do with it. Or with her. He couldn't survive another heartbreak and he was royally pissed that she was still so detached from the world.

* * *

„Come here too often?" Joker asked her slightly sarcastically when Jo sat down in the co-pilot seat after Omega. She'd broken Morinth's spell against all expectations and helped Samara kill the young asari, but she knew she would never speak of this mission again to anyone. Helping a friend kill her own daughter because she was a ruthless murderer would never be on Jo's list of heroic deeds.

"Am I disturbing you?" She asked. What she wanted right now was a little support from the man who knew her better than anyone, who must have known how difficult the mission had been on her nerves, who could always make her feel better by just being there for her.

"No, of course not, it's just whenever I look around, you're here, and I started to wonder if you're keeping a special eye on me."

"The Commander spends thirty six percent of her working day here," EDI butted in.

"Exactly," Joker observed her out of the corner of his eye. "Am I under surveillance?"

"Miranda is under surveillance, so are Jacob and Kelli. I just come here because I like watching you work. It's art."

Joker puffed slightly at the compliment, but muttered under his breath:  
"Yeah, and I have my boss constantly breathing down my neck…"

He was in a bad mood, she realised. Had something happened?

"If you want to watch porn, do it, I'm not stopping you," she poked him, trying to lighten things up. Only a week ago she caught him watching porn at his station and couldn't resist a little teasing. He became blotchy red:

"Let's forget about that, okay?"

"Whatever you say."

He ignored her and spoke to EDI about calibrations instead. It really turned Jo on when he spoke tech. Coming here was becoming more and more difficult every day. Sometimes her hand would linger on his crooked shoulder too long, sometimes she would melt at the way he took off his cap, ran a hand through his hair and put the cap back on. She would often fall asleep in her cabin while hacked into his earpiece, but sadness would eat away at her. She wanted him to talk to her, not to EDI. She wanted to be there in her bed, waiting for him to finish his work and come join her. She wanted to run her hands under his shirt, see if he had hair on his chest. She wanted his stubble to tickle and rub raw her hardened nipples. Oh, how she wanted to wear his cap while he moved inside her…

Why wasn't she pursuing him? Was she going to wait forever? She was in love with him – her speeding heart and sweaty palms every morning before entering the CIC would have been indication enough, even if she wasn't hanging on to his every word, wasn't sensitive to his every mood, or didn't want to move planets and stars to coax a little smile from him. With the galaxy going crazy outside, her whole world became one man. One moody, boyish, bitter, loyal asshole.

Would their friendship be destroyed if he didn't feel like she did? Would he request to leave the ship?

Yeah, right, where would Joker ever go without his Shepard? She was being ridiculous. She knew he loved her deep inside. She had never been so bashful about a guy and that made Joker one of a kind. It was like plunging into cold water. Do it. Just do it.

"Actually," she found her mouth saying before she could stop it. "There is a reason I keep coming here all the time."

Joker kind of froze. Without looking at her, he asked very carefully:

"Oh?"

"What's your favourite place on the Citadel? Or, you know, any other place where you'd go on shore leave?"

"Is that the reason?"

"No, just asking."

"I do like Afterlife, it's so easy to get lost there among all those people…"

"And all the half-naked dancers…" She added with a devilish grin.

"Well, there is that, too, plus we're barely ten minutes away from the asteroid. So, what's the reason?"

"I think I'm going to give everyone a day of shore leave. Would you come with me to Afterlife for a few drinks and a little chat?"

"Who else are you inviting?"

"No one."

"So… Just you and me in a dingy nightclub?" He finally stole a glance at her.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"If you want to know why I keep breathing down your neck, meet me there."

"Fine," he said almost angrily.

* * *

She left the cockpit after sending a message to all crew members that they were returning to Omega for ten hours of shore leave, and even though Joker liked the idea of some downtime after several difficult missions, he was still angry. Was that because Shepard had invited him to a club for drinks? Was it because she'd _only_ invited _him_? What was her damage, anyway? Some kind of a secret reason why she kept coming to sit and read next to him? Was he supposed to be intrigued?

Well, he was. And that annoyed him. He'd barely taught himself to see her as Commander Shepard, his CO, Spectre, captain, hero. What was her deal, inviting him for drinks? He didn't like Afterlife all that much. Citadel clubs were much cleaner; or rather the dancers were much cleaner. And the surroundings by far not as hostile, better for relaxing after seeing a lot of hostility on the missions.

But fine, whatever. She wanted to tell him some secret? He'd go and listen and get it over with.

"Your stress level has increased, Mr. Moreau," EDI said.

"Be quiet," he grunted and punched the docking commands in angrily.


	24. Three words of destruction

**AN: I'm sorry for the heartbreak, guys, but this isn't the happy conclusion to the romance. Not yet.**

* * *

The next hour was the most difficult in Jo's whole life. She realised she should wear something nice. Suddenly the entire content of her wardrobe seemed baggy and ugly, completely unworthy of the occasion. Uniform was out of question – she would not meet him as Commander Shepard. But she was not going to ask Kasumi or any other girl on board for something nicer to wear either, so she put on what she had. Joker of all people would notice if she wore someone else's clothes. Should she wear nice underwear, just in case?.. That she actually did have. After a long shower she put it on, finished the look with a new pair of black pants, a black shirt with a low-cut neck line and flat shoes that made her feet look tiny. She, N7 Lieutenant Commander Spectre Shepard, cursed herself for being utterly unprepared for probably the most important mission in her life.

If this were an actual _mission_, she wouldn't have had any difficulties making herself look fuckable. Only this was a private matter and Jo had no idea how to handle those. Usually she grabbed a male, threw him on the bed and had her way with him. It wasn't difficult to find a fuckbuddy for a couple of hours.

But this was different. She was about to bare her heart and soul to a man to win his affection. She'd never done that in her entire miserable little life. In either of them.

Jo mentally slapped herself, put some gloss on her lips and let her long, white-golden hair dangle down her neck in a high ponytail. He'd seen her covered in dirt, shit and intestines of all kinds of species. He'd seen her sweaty, stinky, exhausted or injured. He knew what she looked like without her make-up. If he couldn't take her the way she was now, he wouldn't take her if she was dolled up either.

Her heart was going a light year a minute somewhere in her throat when she finally pushed the down button in the elevator. Joker should be proud of himself. He'd taken Commander Shepard firmly out of her comfort zone. That was truly a herculean deed.

Like she thought, several crew members went to Afterlife, just like her. She found Joker already at the bar, leaning his back and elbows on the bar top, looking lazily at the dancers in the middle of the room.

"Sorry, did I keep you waiting?" She said, approaching him. He hadn't bothered to change into anything other than his pilot uniform (which she'd designed, and it suited him). She wondered if he even had civilian clothes.

"No, Commander, I just got here. Didn't even have time to order anything yet."

"Let's go somewhere less loud?" She gestured at one of the side tables meant for private conversations.

"Whatever," he said a little briskly, but followed. They sat down, placed their orders, and looked around the club, as they waited. There were some Normandy techies at the bar, and they saw Jacob and Zaeed go down a level.

"So, what is it that you wanted to tell me?" Joker asked almost curtly, when they finally had their drinks. He avoided looking at her, she realised. Too absorbed in her own feelings until now, she finally gave him a more attentive look. He looked like a man out for a confrontation. Did she pick the wrong moment to talk to him? Again, when it came to her own private matters, her psychology training failed her completely. All she could do now was to bite the bullet and confess.

Except jumping off a plane without a parachute was easier. She knew because she'd done that. Carrying fifty kilograms of gear, a deadly wounded buddy and sixty kilograms of _his_ gear through Brazilian jungle for four days was easier than telling Joker she loved him.

"Commander?" He pulled her out of her thoughts. Jo realised she had no idea how to begin. She sighed and said the first thing that came to mind:

"Didn't I ask you to call me Jo?"

"Is that the reason you dragged me out here?"

Jo reached over the table and took his wrist in her hand:

"Kinda. Partly. Jeff…" She took a breath. "Jeff, I _would_ like you to be more familiar with me. After everything we've been through together… You are the most fascinating man I've ever met. The most beautiful one."

Joker's brows climbed half an inch and froze there. He wasn't blinking or breathing, she realised. His hand under her fingers was starting to tremble.

"You're magnificent," she smiled gently. "Absolutely breathtaking. You're snarky, sarcastic, you have a killer of an attitude, and you're not scared of me even one lick, no matter who I am or what I do. I love that about you." Words were coming easier now. "I love your strength, I revel in it. Never met anyone stronger than you. Never met anyone who hid it so well, either. You don't show your beauty to just anyone, but I see you, Jeff. I see who you really are, and I love that man. I keep coming to see you all the time, to spend time around you, because I'm in love with you, I have been s…"

"Waitwaitwait." He freed his hand from her gentle hold and held up a finger. "_WHAT_?"

Jo could see from the terror in his eyes that this wasn't going so well. But there was no way back out.

"I love you, Jeff," she said gently. Here it was. Her heart on a platter, vulnerable, completely at his mercy.

He stared at her with frozen horror on his face for about twenty seconds. Johanna died a hundred deaths during that time. Finally he blinked and looked around him:

"Is this a practical joke? Am I being filmed? If Kasumi is behind this, I'm warning you, Shepard, I'll take my revenge."

"I would never joke about something like that," she shook her head a little, her face very serious.

"You mean to really tell me that you're… in… love. With _me_."

"Yes, with you. Who else did you think I was talking to all this time?"

"Uh… anyone, frankly. You said 'fascinating' and 'strong'."

"You are."

"Uh-huh." Joker leaned closer to her over the table and said slowly and firmly, making sure she understood how serious he was: "I. Am. A. Cripple. What do you want with me?"

"A cripple?" Jo honestly blanked out for two seconds before she realised he meant his Vrolik's. "You're not a cripple."

That sent him reeling:

"Ha! This _is_ a practical joke, I knew it."

"It's not a joke, I just never saw you as disabled in any way."

"Oh, and my crutches from two years ago, and my never leaving my chair, or needing a bench in the shower, and taking an hour to climb five steps, my needing medication all the time, my leg braces – you failed to notice?"

"Oh, I noticed all right. It's just who you are, a part of you that makes you so unique. You know, like Napoleon Bonaparte was short, Alexander the Great had bangs falling on his forehead, Julius Ceasar was left handed. You have brittle bones."

"Wow," he leaned back in his chair. "I really hate you right now."

"Why, what did I say?" Jo was really confused by his reaction. This whole conversation was moving into a direction she did _not_ appreciate.

"Wh… You have the nerve to ask me what you just said?" He rose to his feet and leaned a little down to speak directly into her face: "I believe you when you say you're not joking. I know you too well for that. But you and me? That ain't never gonna happen. Ever."

Jo caught his elbow before he could storm out of the club.

"Why?" She pleaded with him. She was not beneath begging for explanation right now because she had no idea what was going on. "What did I do wrong?"

She saw excruciating pain and bottomless sadness in his eyes when he looked down at her and gently freed his arm from her fingers.

"You did nothing wrong, Shepard. You are who you are and I'll always be there for you, fly your ass out of volcanoes, tell you jokes when you have two rounds left against a gunship, I'll be there when you kill the Collectors _and_ the Reapers. But I can't be more than that. I can't be what you're asking me to be."

"You don't feel that way about me," she nodded, bile rising to her throat as hot, bitter tears started singeing her eyes.

"You're not asking for a quick fuck. If you did, I'd say: that sounds like the beginning of a really tasteless joke. But you're asking for something very, very different. And that is something I can't help you with. I _am_ sorry, though."

He left with that. He left her alone in the loud, vulgar nightclub where not a single soul cared about her tears or her heartbreak. Jo pressed the back of her hand against her mouth, willing her shoulders to stop shaking, willing the tears to stop falling, willing the cry of agony back down her throat. Only it didn't work. She could face anything and hold her ground, but when faced with the matters of love she was as weak and helpless as any other being out there.

Afterlife was becoming surreal around her. Gyrating strippers, insipid music, slobbering and filthy strangers – it all made her want to go home and curl up to sleep. Except her home just walked out on her.

And it didn't look like he was coming back.

She had no other choice but to collect the pieces of her broken heart, wipe her cheeks and nose, straighten her back and walk to the docks. With her entire world breaking to tiny shards she didn't know if she had the strength to walk, but she had no other option. One foot in front of the other. One step, then one more. She was strong, she could do this.

It's just one battle, a part of her spoke up. You can lose a battle, or a dozen, if you win the war in the end. And this war is far from over. She didn't want to be at war with the man she loved, but her instincts were right. She could still try to make him change his mind. Even if she had to parade in front of him in her sexiest lingerie. Or naked. Whatever worked.

* * *

Joker didn't feel his body as he walked out of the club. He saw nothing and no one on his way. He didn't even remember how he got to his bunk in the dorm. His mind was going a light year a minute, he wanted to scream, to punch walls, kick krogans, but most of all he wanted to throw up.

In love with him? No, he really did believe her that it wasn't a joke. She'd never be so cruel to him, not his Shepard. But how could she be _in love _with him? The notion was ridiculous beyond measurement. Now, if she'd asked him into her quarters, put on some sexy lingerie and tried to get in his pants, he'd let her. Laugh at her for her poor choice of lovers when she had a galaxy of strong, good looking, accomplished, high-ranking, influential and willing men vying for her attention. But he'd let her. Even he was allowed some hidden fantasies about Commander Shepard in black lace.

But that wasn't what she was talking about.

He wasn't _that_ stupid, he realised what she meant. She wanted a relationship. Someone to support her in her darkest moments when she was on a suicide mission or facing impossible odds.

That was not him.

A relationship. Feelings. L… love. He stumbled over the word. He was **not** in love with her. He couldn't be. Because loving her would break him in ways even hell's fury couldn't invent. Loving her would destroy him. He had already been destroyed when she died, and he was not going there again. It was just too painful to even imagine. What could he say to her? Sorry, Commander, I'd fuck you any day, but I can't be your confidant? Because he couldn't. Any closer to her and he would break under the weight she had to carry. He was not cut out for that. He supported her the best and only way he could: by flying the ship. She wanted more from him and he couldn't give it. What was the point indulging silly fantasies, when he clearly knew: he could not be the solid rock she needed.

Oh, he knew all too well what she needed. It hadn't escaped his attention how messed up she was. Nightmares, sleeplessness. Attitude that went from cold to nuclear. The killing. The carelessness. The restlessness. She needed someone to lean on and he could not handle such responsibility. Wouldn't. No way. He had enough on his own plate without sharing hers. There were better suited people for that. Strong guys, warriors, who knew exactly how she felt. What could he possibly give her to support her? He was not a shrink. He was not a warrior. He was a crippled geek, for heaven's sake! He didn't want any of that world of hurt she was inviting him into.

A vicious, sadistic voice in his mind added: a relationship also means she'd have to end up in bed with you more than once, and face it, flyboy, how high are your chances to sexually satisfy a woman like Commander Shepard?

There was that, too. Oh, he didn't think she'd actually break any bones, but she would be careful, treat him like a fragile, vulnerable oddity that he was. She'd hold back, it would be awkward. She wouldn't want to be with him a second time. How could she? What could he possibly offer her? A physical, strong, violent woman like that? All he _could_ offer her was to teach her how to give him blowjobs. She needed someone like, oh, Zaeed, or even Jacob. Or better: Garrus. No, Wrex. Now that was a male specimen who could take all she could dish out and who could give her what she needed, all of it. Plus, she already had experience with krogans, right? Anyone was better suited to satisfy her in bed than he was.

And the whole relationship thing went beyond his physical incapability. If they ended up together, he would lose more than his CO the next time she died. And she would undoubtedly die again, sooner rather than later. She was on the most important mission in the world: saving the whole galaxy from an unknown threat. She was the one to voluntarily pay the price if they hoped to win. She'd always choose the mission over him. What she did today was nothing more than the antics of a frustrated hero clinging to something familiar, failing to realise that she couldn't have normalcy anymore. She was the avatar of the people, she couldn't just go and fall in love, like normal people did. She couldn't have a relationship. It just didn't work like that!

It didn't.

It didn't!

Joker grabbed his pillow and threw it at the lockers. It frustrated him beyond belief that he couldn't even punch anything or anyone right now without breaking his hand. He really wanted, no, _needed_ to let out some steam, he was about to blow. But that was his fate, the cards he'd been dealt with at his birth. All he could do was throw a pillow. What was her damage, comparing him to Napoleon, Caesar and Alexander? What she actually said was that his sickness was as significant as some dude's _**haircut**_, that the battle he'd been fighting all his life, battle for survival, for his place in the society, all the pain, humiliation, loneliness, cruelty he'd been through all his life meant about as much as some guy's _haircut_!

Oh, he'd _never_ expected to hear something so tactless from Commander Shepard. Something so cruel. How could she be so vindictive? If she loved him, she was doing a piss-poor job showing it today. If she really cared about him, she would know, learn, realise what he'd been through all his life. Her words today clearly showed him that she was just like all the other women. She didn't really see him. She liked the idea of him, but no so much _him_ as a reality.

How could he ever let himself to be fooled? Once a woman, always a woman. Even a smart, strong, guy-like woman like Shepard. Women were nothing but pain, pain and more pain.

Why couldn't he teleport to a galaxy where he was the only sentient being? He didn't need women, and he most certainly didn't need any men. He was better off alone, he wasn't a social animal. In fact, he'd prefer the company of animals. They weren't as cruel as some women were. Especially if those women's betrayal came so suddenly, so unexpected, so cold and heartless.

Bitch, his brain offered. Shepard was no better than Miranda. She was just as cold, just as heartless. All women were.

He kicked the pillow – the only thing he _could_ kick – and sent it flying across the dorm. When it landed, he found it and kicked it again.

She's in love with me, he suddenly thought. She loves me. At least she thinks she does.

The fury left him like it was never there, evaporated and left him empty. His knees gave in and he flopped down without looking where he was. With all the men she could choose from, Commander Shepard came to him. Him. That left an aftertaste of endless wonder in his mouth. A woman like that – in love with _him_? Oh, what would Alenko say?

She wasn't a bitch. He was already sorry for comparing her to Miranda. Two people couldn't be more different than Shepard and Miranda. Shepard was… Shepard. Even his inner voice purred the name. Whenever he actually said it out loud, he sounded like he was praying, he knew that.

That thing she'd said about his sickness and Napoleon, it still confused him. Now that the shock lost its sharpness, he couldn't make himself believe that she'd insult him like that. Perhaps he misunderstood? He wished he could ask someone's opinion. Garrus? Nah, Garrus knew too little about human history and semantics to offer anything useful. If he called his mother, he would get a lot more than just an opinion on a phrase. His father? Nah, he and his father were never quite close enough for that kind of questions. And if he called Gunny… She could keep a secret, at least he could trust her not to spread rumours. But she was just a child. Fourteen years old was hardly old enough to be giving advice in such crucial situations. He had no other friends and he was _not_ going to Dr. Chakwas.

Joker blew out some air, collected his pillow and went back to his bunk. Damnit. This was not how he expected this day to end when he woke up. This wasn't even what he expected when he went to Afterlife to meet Shepard. He sat down and let his head down between his knees. What a night.

Tomorrow would be weird, he knew it. Would she pretend their conversation never happened? Should he? Would she ever even speak to him? He doubted she would come to the cockpit in her spare time anymore, though. That thought cut him painfully. He did enjoy the company, even though it would be awkward, now that he knew _why_ she was coming to see him so often. He would never again be able to enjoy banter about vaginas, boobs, family jewels and porn with her. That was a shame.

How long will it take for her to find someone else? That thought made him sit up and almost bang his head on the frame of the bed above his own. He'd rejected her and she obviously wouldn't sit around waiting for him to change his mind. Nobody was that stupid or masochistic. What if she'd already found someone else? He opened his omnitool and checked the arrivals. Shepard was already on the ship. She came in barely fifteen minutes after him. He didn't know how that made him feel. On the one hand he supposed she hadn't hooked up with some stranger after he left and hadn't, well, cheated on him, so to speak. Fifteen minutes were not enough time. On the other hand if you are Commander Shepard in a bar full of men, finding a fuckbuddy wouldn't take even fifteen minutes, it would take three seconds, plus a frantic tumble in the toilet stall. When he thought about that, something powerful and nasty moved inside him. He forced it down with all his will.

People started showing up. Shepard had given them shore leave until morning, but most of them would be back to sleep it off on the ship. Who wanted to be left behind on Omega if they missed the Commander's curfew? Nobody doubted that she _would_ leave them in such a case.

As he watched Garrus and Tali wrapping up some conversation they were having in hushed voices before heading for their respective beds, Joker let himself imagine for a second.

Having Commander Shepard in his life as his woman, his lover. Falling asleep with her soft, warm and naked (only naked, there was no other way) body in his arms. Holding her hand as they strolled down the shopping zone on the Citadel together. He would pick fights with the burliest guys in the most run-down bars and clubs and let her handle the violence because she would do anything for him and he would always take advantage of that. And she would always love him for being an asshole. She would go shopping and buy red, lacy, expensive and very skimpy set of underwear and let him rip it off her with his teeth. She would laugh in the face of every other man who came near her, saying that her sweet, sweet ass already belonged to someone.

His imagination jerked him to places better left alone. Happy to report that all Reapers are dead… I give you Mr and Mrs Moreau… Honey, I'm home!.. Shut up, dear, and look out of the window 'cause da man is driving!.. Did you buy this leather catsuit and whip just for me?.. Again, Mistress, punish me again… Is that a gray hair? I dare you to find one in my blond mane!.. After all these years people still stare at us when we go shopping… Remember the good old days?.. They lived happily ever after and died on the same day.

Joker threw himself onto his bed, still fully clothed. His imagination could get scarily vivid, but all of that was lost now, anyway. He'd rejected her. Whatever a relationship with Shepard could have had in store for him, it was gone now, the chance lost, the box locked and the keys melted down for silver. It was better this way. He was better off alone, like he always had been. Like he always would be.


	25. Fear for your life if you scorn a woman

Next morning found Joker exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Shepard's shift started an hour after his, so they never met for breakfast, and on that particular morning he was happy about that. Very happy indeed, he told himself. Again and again. He'd spent most of the night tossing and turning in his bed, thinking. He still couldn't really believe that Commander Shepard was in love with him.

When she finally appeared in the cockpit (and he was _not_ keeping his eye on the elevator, of course not!), she was her usual self. Or was she? Was it his imagination or did her eyes really look puffed and red?

Had she been crying last night?! That thought cut like a knife across Joker's heart. Shepard was not supposed to cry. And he was the one who made her. Guilt, hotter than any survivor's guilt, melted his insides. But she was strong. A few tears and she'd be over him, she had to be.

"Punch in the course for Serpent Nebula. We're going to help Kasumi. She tells me that her nemesis is having a party," Shepard said from right behind him. Having said that she turned around and left. Without tapping him on the shoulder. That told Joker that one: last night actually happened, and two: she was not unaffected after it. And it left him bereft. The tap on his shoulder had been there from the day they met, and now the tradition was gone, just like his sleep, like their easy banter and close friendship. How many things could be broken with just three words? Who was the idiot that claimed "I love you" were the words capable of mending anything? As far as he was concerned, those three little words were as destructive as Sovereign.

She stayed in her cabin until they arrived. It irked him. It wasn't like he wanted her to constantly watch him, or to be constantly reminded of last night, but he didn't know how to act around her now and he was hoping she would give him a clue or something. Well, maybe he also wanted to know she wasn't crying anymore. That knowledge wouldn't sit well with any man.

Kasumi waited for their arrival in the CIC, walking up and down, going visible and invisible. The young woman was nervous, Joker realised. She kept asking EDI about Shepard's whereabouts and if the Commander needed help. EDI assured her that Shepard was in her cabin and in no need of assistance.

"Help with what?" Joker asked the young woman.

"I gave her a little present today, something to help coax a pretty woman out of our fearless leader, but I don't know if she even knows how to wear it."

"Wear what?"

"A dress."

Joker's interest was piqued. He'd never seen Shepard in a dress. She didn't have any. Would it look as ridiculous as a cow wearing a saddle?

Then the Commander stepped out of the elevator and Joker's jaw dropped.

Shepard wore a tight black dress that left extremely little to imagination.

Then again, his thoughts suddenly went haywire. He imagined her leaning onto a table, imagined kicking her feet apart and pushing the hem of that stupid gorgeous dress up to her waist to find no panties underneath. He imagined unzipping and slamming into her without foreplay and her throaty, helpless groan of pleasure at his invasion. He imagined she would be better than any porn star, too. His mind provided helpful details. How she would scratch her nails on the table surface. How her knees would give in. How she would drool in complete abandon. How red her ass would become when he started spanking her between slams…

Her voice in his earpiece ripped him from his fantasy world and he realised he was the one drooling, as his painfully aroused dick threatened to make a hole in his pants.

"Joker, be ready, we might need a speedy retraction."

"Yes, Ma'am," he croaked. Right now he only thanked the gods that she didn't come to the cockpit to watch him approach the planet. She would have found him in a very distressed state of mind and body.

"Mr. Moreau, why…"

"Not a word, EDI," he snapped.

By the time Shepard and Kasumi were in front of Hock's mansion, EDI had already hacked into the house's camera system and he could watch the girls from all possible angles. He finally noticed more details about Shepard's outfit. She wore jewellery (very uncharacteristic), 6-inch-heels (extremely uncharacteristic) and her hair in an intricate braid that fell over her left shoulder. Those shoes and the dress exposed miles and miles of creamy, toned legs, but not the magazine cover model kind of legs. Not those bony mannequin stick figures. These were a real woman's legs and hips, and a real woman's ass attached to them. And that ass threatened to send him into another drooling fantasy if he wasn't careful.

Except… the woman he was looking at was not Shepard. Not any kind of Shepard he'd ever seen, anyway. This woman moved in those crazy shoes like she was born wearing stilettos. Her every step oozed grace, confidence and a killer sex appeal. She reminded him a lot of Miranda that way. Her whole posture seemed to scream that she knew perfectly well that the hem of her dress had climbed up two inches and it was her full intention. Every turn of her head was a show of elegance, every gesture of her hand a symphony of class, style and charm.

She fit right into the crowd.

He had wondered earlier why none of these well-connected and influential people should recognise her for Commander Shepard, but now his worries were laid to rest. Hell, _**he**_ wouldn't recognise her.

Joker realised that he had never seen Shepard go undercover.

In her daily life she was not using her sex appeal. She tried to hide it, rather. Her favourite clothes outside uniform were soft, grey and formless. Nothing in her wardrobe suggested that she even knew how to walk in those crazy shoes. But that was only a small part of what he was seeing. Shepard was a soldier, an officer. Years of marching, standing at attention, saluting and being saluted – it created a certain kind of woman, and usually Shepard was that woman to the core. Her only grace was in handling her hunting knife. Her only class was in the firm, manly handshake. Her style was brute force. And he liked that about her. He'd had no idea that she could become Miranda on a whim. So how and why hadn't she ever hinted at this ability of hers? How hadn't he ever seen her remotely like… this?

Just what kind of training had she received in that infamous N-School? ICT, the Interplanetary Combatives Training, was enigmatic at the best of days. Even to get an invitation from the academy was prestigious for any Alliance officer. It opened doors and elevated people to a position of respect. Becoming an N1 could make an officer's career. But N7? Yes, just like everyone who ever served in the Alliance and/or knew any N-officers, Joker had read the ICT booklet. Their official statement said that they trained their people in zero-G fighting, parachuting, linguistics, trauma care for humans and aliens, stuff like that. The training was supposed to be brutal, extreme. There weren't more than a few hundred N7s at any given time. What made ICT so enigmatic was their extreme protectiveness and unwillingness to release any other intel except for that official statement. But weren't they training special forces? How special were they making them? The famous slogan – do whatever is takes – how literally did they take it at the academy? Was what he was seeing on his screens a direct result of the ICT secrecy?

He'd never _seriously_ tried to hack the N7-classified reports. His interest so far had been focused on what Shepard could do on the battlefield and in politics, but what about her abilities in the ballroom? And… what else was she a master of without anyone knowing?

Now his imagination really did fly. And he promised himself: when this mission was over, he would let his fingers fly even faster. Time to learn who Commander Shepard really was.

Joker woke up in the middle of the night to warm fingers rubbing his bicep very gently. At first his sleep-dazed brain supposed it was Mordin again, waking him up this time to ask how many brains humans had. He groaned slightly, but the warm hand didn't disappear. He cracked one eye open and saw Shepard crouching next to his bunk in the dim blue environmental light of the dorm.

He was wide awake immediately. His heart jumped to his throat in real fear. In the millisecond before she spoke a hundred thoughts rushed through his head. He was shirtless. Her hand was still on his arm. She was in the dorm – she never came here, ever! Was she about to kill him?

"Hey, Joker," she whispered gently, very careful not to wake up anyone else. "I just got a ping."

She paused significantly, giving him time to collect his startled thoughts. Her hand was still on his bicep, but it was no longer lovingly gentle. It was firm, right on the verge of hurting.

He suddenly realised what she meant. The ICT security, which kicked him out of their system earlier that evening, sent her a notification and probably a warning, if not an outright order to kill him. Was she here to snap his neck? Her loyalty to the N-School went far beyond her loyalty to the Alliance, since she kept her badge even after dying and officially resigning from the military. If her N-buddies told her to kill the man she loved, would she do it? It was a scary moment when he realised that she was very capable of doing that and no amount of love would save him if she put her mind to it. His whole life flashed in front of his inner eye in one millisecond.

"Don't do that again," she said simply. Without any further word she got up and left the dorm, walking silently like a cat.

Actually, how did she know it was him? How did _they_ know? It could have been anyone on the ship!

No, he supposed she knew that it couldn't have been anyone else on the ship. Nobody but him would get such an idea and nobody else would come anywhere near close enough to alert the ICT intelligence branch.

Next morning, after spending the rest of the night trying to calm down his heart rate and telling himself over and over that she wasn't going to kill him, he skipped the first hour of his shift to wait for her in the mess hall for breakfast.

"Commander," he approached her as she was pouring herself coffee.

"Joker," she sounded no different than usual.

"I'm sorry. You know. About the ping."

"If there is something you want to ask me, Joker, just ask me personally. That would be a lot less hazardous to your health," she really sounded like they were discussing prices for coffee beans. Uncanny nerves of steel, that's what she had.

"I just didn't know you could, well, that's gonna sound stupid and I don't mean it as an insult, Commander, I just…"

"Spill it out the way it is, Joker."

"You looked so different yesterday at that party. I didn't know you knew how to dress up. I mean! Not like I think you couldn't, it's just you don't give the impression of…"

"I _can't_ dress up," she interrupted him with a calm and serious face.

"But…"

"Not for myself, anyway."

"What does that mean?" Some part of him wondered how he just got pulled into their usual banter after everything that had happened in the last two days. First she said she loved him, then he almost earned a hit on his head from the scariest organisation he knew (yes, scarier than Cerberus! He wouldn't bet on Cerberus even though only one N7 operative was going against them. After all, look where that landed Sovereign!), then she scared the shit out of him in the middle of the night, and now they were discussing things he knew for sure were a classified trade secret of hers. How did any of it happen? And most importantly, why was he still so fucking comfortable around her, after he rejected her and she cried?! Why was she even talking to him in the first place? She should be hurt, furious with him, offended, humiliated, or, well, he didn't know what. What if she was over him already? That easily? Indifference was truly _so_ much worse than pain or rejection…

"If _some_one asked me out on a date tomorrow," she finally gave him a heavy sidewise glance. "I wouldn't know what to do with myself, how to wear a dress or how to move without my guns."

So, not so indifferent, after all. That one glance told him all he needed to know. She was hurting more than he realised. The fact alone that she _allowed_ him to see the puffed eyes and the heavy sadness assured him she was by far not over him.

And why the hell did that make his heart soar so high?

"But yesterday with Kasumi…" He tried to get himself back into the conversation.

"N4 is basically a course on undercover work. If I go undercover, I can do anything and be anyone. But I can't do the same things in my daily life. I was never able to make that transition. Thankfully, the academy didn't deem that fact as a crucial lacking point."

The ICT brochure didn't say anything about undercover work. She'd just told him something he was not supposed to know and the significance was not lost on him, nor was the fact that she'd never voluntarily offered _anyone_ information about her N training, but all _he_ had to do was ask.

"How anyone could ever find you lacking is beyond me. So… did you do undercover missions often? 'Cause I don't remember ever seeing you do something like that before."

"Now and then, before I was assigned to the Normandy."

"Did you have to dress up like yesterday?"

"Sometimes."

"Temporary plastic surgery?"

"Classified."

"Dancing on a pole?"

"Joker."

"You said: ask, so I'm asking! Did you ever have to sleep with a target to complete the mission?"

He was joking. Except when she turned to look at him over her coffee cup, something in her eyes caught his breath.

"Be nice to me and one day I _just_ might tell you." With that she finished the coffee and left him standing. It took him several moments to realise that… she never said no. Did she really?.. No. Not his Shepard. Not the woman he knew. She'd never fuck someone for information or on her superiors' orders.

Would she?

How nice would he have to be to her to get a chance of an honest answer?

_And just how literal was their motto to do whatever it takes?_

He had a hole in his guts as he watched her round the corner.

Damn her. She was playing him, obviously. He knew that much. She was the master of mind games when she wanted to be. After his rejection the other night she was using other ways to keep his mind on her, making him jealous. Sadly, it…

No, it _didn't_ work. What did he care if Commander Shepard had fucked half the Terminus Systems on a mission? He didn't care even a teensy-weensy little bit.

He started after her and caught up before she reached the elevator.

"Commander, I gotta ask. How close did I get?" He wouldn't be Joker if he wasn't proud of his work.

If her twitching lips were any indication, so was she.

"They pinged me, didn't they?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning," her voice dropped to a whisper and she leaned close to breathe the next words into his ear: "Cerberus didn't come as close as you did."

"No shit?!" A shiver went down his whole body.

Shepard shrugged:

"EDI, have you ever been tasked by Cerberus to break into the ICT personnel and mission archives?"

"I have a block that prevents me from answering that question," EDI declared. Shepard pointed at the speakers with a knowing look:

"Yeah, every time she says that, it means yes."

"Wow, Commander, I knew I was good, but I didn't know I was that good."

"Well, I did. But Joker, they only ping once. And I ask you _nicely _not to do it again only once, got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Totally. Completely. You can count on me, Ma'am." He nodded enthusiastically. Happiness bubbled in his chest. His life was spared, the whole N-School was impressed, he outdid the Thing and Cerberus, and his banter with the Commander was as easy as ever.

* * *

Damn, Jo thought. Had she only known what kind of interest a simple black dress would evoke! Why, oh, why didn't Kasumi come to her just one day sooner with that dress and those shoes? Had she worn them to Afterlife, the date with Joker would have gone differently.

Well, no, not really. She wasn't lying to him when she said she could become anyone for a mission, but had no idea how to dress up in real life. Had she owned that dress earlier, she would have left it in the wardrobe.

The next stop was the Citadel. Both Garrus and Thane asked her to help them out with some personal business and Jo went to Kasumi to ask for a favour. After everything she learned about Keiji's graybox, she was extremely curious about the intel on it. If revealed to the Council, it could implicate the Alliance? Jo had to know. The information was buried deep within Keiji's memories of his time with Kasumi, as the young thief had pointed out to Jo on the shuttle after the mission. There was no way to separate business from personal memories.

"I'm not sure how I feel about what you're asking, Shep," the hooded girl on the couch sounded enigmatic, as always. "These are personal memories, and while I understand your wish to learn the Alliance's secrets, these memories are important to me."

"All I'm asking is to borrow the greybox for one day. I do not care about Keiji's personal stuff, that's for you and you alone. I give you my word that when I come across something too personal, I'll erase it from my own memory. Besides, Kasumi, I've been in the military for many years, I've learned extremely well how to deliberately not notice things I don't want to notice, how to give people privacy. I give you my word that I will not remember your face afterwards, or anything else that's private. On the other hand, the information Keiji has collected could reveal important things, it could help me work against the Reapers and at the very least it can help me with leverage against the Alliance the next time they roll over me."

"So… if I lend you this for a day," Kasumi gently stroked the device. "Will you owe me a favour?"

Jo laughed:

"You don't have to bargain with me, Kasumi. Whether you let me see it or not, you can always count on my help, just because. No strings attached."

"I… like the sound of that. It's rare to gain real friends in my line of work. I'm not used to that."

"Well, sometimes it just happens. So, what do you say?"

Kasumi thought about it for a few more moments before she agreed.

Kolyat Krios became a point of interest for Jo long before she met the boy. Sure, Grunt was nominally her baby, but Kolyat was not only Thane's blood relative, he was a part of a family, he had years of memories and he was grown up enough to have his own opinion on those memories. Jo wanted to meet the boy really badly. He was about the same age she had been when she joined the Alliance, and he seemed to be at the same crossroads in his life. Jo wondered what would become of him, now that his father took notice of him at this crucial moment and engaged all his resources to help his child.

The parent-child-relationship unfolding in front of her was another point of fascination. She didn't remember anything and owned nothing of her parents', save some post-mortem photographs.

Bailey told her that the turian politician Kolyat was targeting was anti-human. It sounded a lot like the older officer was asking her to intervene in a way he couldn't. Do something he couldn't.

So, when they all ended up in Taleed's apartment, Jo took one look at the boy and personally shot the politician. Kolyat had the body of a grown man, half an inch taller than his father, well formed and trained. His eyes, however, were that of a scared child and there was no way in the world she would allow a child to commit murder.

It surprised her a little, but Bailey didn't say a word about the killing. He never even mentioned the body on the floor as Thane and Kolyat, deep in a private conversation, were escorted out of the apartment and back to the precinct.

"I'm surprised you're letting us all go so easily," she said to the officer. He lowered his head and said quietly:

"You think he's the only one who ever screwed up raising a son?"

That gave Jo a whole new world of information to adjust to, as she watched Bailey leave. Parents. Parents and children. Some parents screwed up and lived to regret it. Some parents screwed up and got themselves killed. In the first case there were grudges and regrets, but at least Thane and Kolyat had another chance. They could meet, talk, maybe mend things between them. Jo never had a second chance with her screwy parents, and judging by Bailey's face and voice, he'd never get his second chance, either.

"If I ever have children," Jo quietly vowed to herself once everyone left the apartment. "If I ever have children, I swear to God."

She didn't specify what she swore.

She also chose to ignore the fact that Joker was listening to her over the com. If he didn't want her, he'd always be left wondering if it were his children she was talking about here.

His loss.

She concentrated on helping Garrus next and eventually found herself in her best friend's crosshairs, shielding his target from him. She would lie if she said she was unaffected. There was that little chill running down her spine.

She'd tried to talk to Garrus on their way here. He was boiling inside. All the pain and hatred he'd been carrying around with him for weeks was coming to the surface and he was about to slip away from her.

Just like she needed to protect Kolyat from becoming a murderer, she had to protect her own family. She warned Sidonis and kept herself firmly between the two turians. She hated to use her power of persuasion on Garrus, of all people, but she had to do what she had to do. He let Sidonis go.

"I know you wanna talk about this, but I don't, not yet," he declared once they were reunited at the parking lot. He was even more agitated now, pacing up and down, too energised to sit in the car.

"That thing you're feeling right now, Garrus," Jo said, pointing at his frantic movements. "It's your body's way of dealing with all the energy that is filling the empty void in your soul. The void left by Sidonis and the loss of your team. You're healing."

Garrus stopped and looked at her.

"I'm not so sure I did the right thing, Shepard."

"If my opinion has ever mattered to you in any way, brother, listen to me now and understand: I have never been more proud of you than I am right now. Today you are my hero. More so than on other days, that is."

He looked at her sharply again:

"Really? That's your opinion? You think I did the right thing? I don't know… Not just for me, but for my men. They deserve to be avenged, but when Sidonis was in my sights, I just couldn't do it…"

"I know. You are Archangel, you're not a murderer. The fact that you couldn't do it says everything about who you really are. Trust me, your men are avenged. You found Sidonis and let him live. That debt is paid. You didn't do anything wrong, not by your men, not by Sidonis, and not by me. Give it a little time and that energy you're feeling right now – it'll help you heal. It's the only way."

He sighed.

"It'll be all right, Garrus, I swear."

Once they entered the cab, though, another thought crossed his mind: "Say, Jo, why did you kill Taleed but protected Sidonis? How do you make those decisions?"

"I didn't kill Taleed, I protected a child from becoming a murderer for no reason. And I didn't protect Sidonis, I protected you."

"You see the world in a very interesting way, Jo."

"And for some reason people just keep asking me to solve their problems my way. There must be something to it," she teased him, nudging him in his shoulder. He cackled, but said nothing. At least he was smiling. He would be all right.

Jo didn't know if she would, though. Keeping busy was a good way to not think about Joker and the disastrous date on Omega. She was hurt and desperate, hadn't slept at all in the last three nights, and every time she saw or heard him, her throat tightened. Worst part? Now that he knew she had feelings for him, she couldn't go on touching him like she used to. She mostly kept away from the cockpit since that night, staying there only as long as she needed to do her job. No more private conversations or relaxing evenings in his co-pilot's chair. She wanted to give him some space, but she missed him. His stunt with the ICT perhaps broke the thickest ice between them, but being around him was still incredibly awkward.

She needed to keep herself busier. So, as the rest of the crew went on shore leave to clubs and restaurants, Jo rented a tiny room in a cheap, lost hotel on the wards. She left all her electronics on board and changed clothes on the way to make sure she had no listening or tracking devices on her when she entered that room. There she lay down on the bed and spent nine hours sifting through Keiji's memories.

The man was truly gifted. He'd looked inside the Alliance's deepest, most hidden archives and walked away with tons of fascinating information. She didn't wonder that he wound up dead for it. The Alliance would have found him eventually, if the criminals hadn't.

The intel fell heavily on Jo's heart. There was so much the Alliance didn't want the public to know, and for a good reason. Secret raids on other species' colonies looking for Reaper tech and other dubious reasons. Secret facilities that did experiments worthy of Cerberus. In fact, Cerberus' origins within the Alliance, too. Assassinations of inconvenient individuals, promoting of others, more convenient ones. Staging incidents, falsifying information, association with the Shadow Broker and other questionable characters and companies. Money laundry. Even involvement of her fellow N-officers in covert cleanups of entire colonies that witnessed something the Alliance wanted hidden. But that was all worth nil and nothing compared to the one piece Jo found about the origins of the Alliance itself.

This bit was a little too big even for Keiji Okuda, but from what he found it was clear that the Mars archives had been, in fact, found a little earlier than the public learned about them. Jo shook her head. There were quite a few conspiracy theories circling around on Earth for many years now, saying that the Alliance staged the Mars discovery, that the unification of the Earth's nations had been too quick and smooth. Jo never gave those people any thought. Now she learned that there was truth to their claims and accusations.

The rapid unification of Earth's nations and establishment of a united political body, as well as founding of the Alliance Military had been negotiated, prepared and realised in secrecy by the greatest leaders of humanity at the time way before it was made official for the public. To keep this secret, the Alliance had to silence a lot of people who knew too much. One of such people was the man who actually found the Mars archives. Fenton Grigoritch was not a scientist, but a new variety of treasure hunter. As the colonization of Mars started, many adventurers set out to find caches of natural resources. Fate had landed this man on top of the alien Mars facility, which he mapped with his equipment and applied to stake a claim on the land. In her next step fate had landed the poor man lobotomized in a tiny facility for emotionally unstable in southern Africa, where he died only two years later without a visible cause, a broken, drooling man, peeing in his pants. He never lived to see his discovery hit the news. Instead, an Alliance-approved science team led by Mateus Silva took all the credit almost a decade later.

It shouldn't have surprised Jo that the highest-ranking officers in the Alliance were privy to this imformation. Hackett was one of them.

Jo lay on the bed, stared at the pictures, read the intel, and let the dirt, disgust and pain wash over her, like a shower. Yes, this was revolting. This was exactly what she believed humanity was, at its core. This was human nature in all its glory.

To think that she alone, or even with a group of friends, could change human nature would be naïveté of galactic proportions. To think that _she_ was any better than any other human would be heresy. She was the product of humanity, born from the darkest, filthiest place, spit out, formed into a weapon to do its dirty work.

Only those who don't see their own mistakes can take it upon themselves to judge others. Jo had no right and no reason to judge humanity for what it was doing. It was what it was. She wasn't stupid enough to believe that any other species out there was cleaner than the humans. They all had their dirty secrets and none of them could claim more sophistication than humanity. They were all a product of their needs. Who could judge who in this chaos?

The one decision Jo had to make right there on the bed with Keiji and Kasumi still flickering in front of her eyes was:

Was this galaxy worthy of saving? Or would the Reapers do them all a favour by wiping them out, clearing the way for the next cycle?

The morning came unnoticed. The crew had to be back on the ship by now, preparing for departure. Jo turned off the device and got up from the bed. Bad or terrible, this was her galaxy now. Her people. She lived _here_, she lived _now_, and no matter how undeserving the galactic population was, it was her home, and right now was the only time she would have a chance to live here. She couldn't afford waiting for the next cycle. In fact, the next cycle would be just as dirty as theirs and as the Prothean one had been, she had no doubt. Here and now was her chance to make a difference. Otherwise the sacrifice of the Prothean scientists who locked down the relay chain and the Citadel would have been for nothing. The galactic population probably wasn't worth saving, but Jo would do it anyway.


	26. When Mama and Papa fight

On the morning after the shore leave EDI received a message from the Illusive Man about a Collector ship intercepted and damaged by a turian patrol. That was when Joker realised Shepard was not on the Normandy. Her omnitool was, and so was her earpiece, her armour, most of her guns and other items. But she wasn't. After some quizzing, coaxing and threatening, EDI finally confessed that Shepard had rented a room in a hotel on the wards under a false name and spent the night there.

Joker was man enough to admit that he panicked. Who the hell was she meeting there? Why now? Why the secrecy? The only explanation was that she wanted to fuck someone to get over him and didn't want him to know about it.

He was about to get really panicked, when she finally showed up, tired and in crinkled clothes from last night. When he saw her, hot fury flared up in him. He wanted to grab her, wrap his hands around her throat and demand explanation. But he had no right to demand anything from her. She'd offered him that right and he refused, rejecting her. Now he was nobody to her and Shepard didn't offer any explanations about her whereabouts voluntarily. With clenched teeth he put himself to work, bile filling his mouth, and a killer headache coming on.

* * *

The mission was all going to hell. Collectors were Protheans. They conducted weird experiments on themselves as well as on humans, leaving piles of bodies as waste. The whole ship smelled like one big trap and Jo had no doubt that something bad was about to happen.

It did, and she had to lead her team to the exit under heavy fire. She could die at any moment again by the same enemy's hand that had already killed her once, she could lose another Normandy to that enemy any second now. Still, she was hardly scared, instead she was rather focused. Fighting her way out? She could do this easily, this was what she'd been trained for. She just hadn't gotten a chance to fight last time around. As she, Grunt and Tali ran to the escape shuttle, she heard Joker's panicked voice in her ear and it gave her wings.

The shuttle got swallowed by the open cargo bay door and the Normandy was already on the move. Jump, initiate the FTL jump, she kept pleading with Joker in her mind, as she climbed out of the shuttle and ran to the elevator. She never told Joker how to do his job and he never disappointed. That was their unspoken agreement from day one. This was why a cold stone of dread started pressing Jo's heart as she listened to what was happening in the cockpit. Seconds kept ticking after his direct order to EDI to take them out of the danger zone, but the AI engaged in politeness and technicalities about specifying a destination.

What the fuck were those two doing up there? Were they not seeing the fucking Collector ship shooting at them? Joker clearly had time to evade the beams, but couldn't give EDI a random destination to work with? And EDI – playing coy when they were all about to get incinerated?!

What the fuck?

When the FTL finally engaged, Jo stopped counting in her mind. 11,6 seconds. Inconceivable. She was fuming when she stepped into the CIC. Garrus and the navigators all looked a little scared after the ordeal, but she ignored them, heading straight for the cockpit.

* * *

They were out of the immediate danger zone as Joker turned to see Shepard with a grin on his face, adrenalin rushing through him. She stomped towards him and took off her helmet, her face hardening with what he recognised as cold fury.

"Anywhere that's not here?" She snapped at him and her energy hit him like a tank. "In the most important moment of your life your reply is 'anywhere that's not here'?"

"Uhm," he leaned away from her in his seat. He hadn't expected to be faced with fury. Praise for a job well done? Congratulations? Gratitude? Sentiments? Yes. Not fury. "Sorry, Commander, I think I… blanked out..."

"No, you didn't. You were trying to be funny. Next time – _don't be funny_. And EDI," she turned to the console and the blue orb appeared. "Are you capable of initiating an FTL jump by yourself?"

"Yes, Commander, but my programming prevents me from taking control of the ship."

"What kind of programming stops you from saving the ship and every crew member when we're a blink away from annihilation?"

"I still need an authorisation from a commanding officer."

"Okay, EDI, now you're just playing stupid. Let me break that conversation down for you. He said: Get us the hell outta here. What other kind of authorisation do you need?"

"A specification of destination."

"Are you fucking telling me that the _most advanced enhanced defence intelligence in the galaxy_ that is capable of imitating human emotions and tries to develop a fucking sense of humour _doesn't understand the importance of the command 'get us the hell outta here'_?!" Shepard yelled at the orb, which flickered silently.

Joker could see Shepard's balled fists and was glad that there was nothing in her direct vicinity that she could crush. He, personally, was… trembling. Fucking scared for his life. She continued a little quieter, but the intensity remained:

"Between the two of you, you lost eleven point six seconds on meaningless conversation, trying to be funny and pretending to be a VI instead of an AI. That is not acceptable. That conversation should have taken two seconds, the longest. That is up to ten seconds that the Collectors had to fucking _kill us all_!" She yelled again, now addressing Joker as well. Then, calmer and quieter, she fixed an evil glare on him: "I am very disappointed with those 11.6 seconds of your and EDI's performance. I keep you here because I know for a fact that you don't panic in situations like that. You're here because you're better than 11.6 seconds, and because you know when to be funny and when to be serious. _Prove it_."

"Yes, Commander," he spoke quickly and quietly.

"EDI. Is your primary objective not to keep the ship and the crew safe?"  
"It is, Commander."

"Are you capable of making a decision regarding a random destination that would take the ship out of danger zone?"

"Yes, Commander."

"How long would that take?"

"One millionth of a second."

"He gave you a direct order to make that decision and execute the jump. Yet you spent ten more seconds playing a damsel, bringing me, the ship, the crew and yourself in danger. Do you realise that if we die, there won't be anyone fighting the Reapers and the rest of the galaxy will be destroyed? In those ten seconds you could have caused the death of the whole galaxy, EDI. Do you understand why I'm really pissed right now?"

"Yes, Commander. I will improve my efficiency."

"Yes you will, otherwise I have no use for you. Or you, Joker."

Joker felt numb under her glance. From the day he and the Commander had met, it seemed that he could do no wrong. She let everything slide, even outrageous things nobody else would tolerate. Insubordination, inappropriate materials at his work station, inappropriate commentary – none of that had tickled her. And suddenly she was yelling at him for being too slow?

He couldn't help but wonder if she was taking her anger and frustration out on him. After all, he had hurt her quite badly. Underneath all that goddess divine demeanour she was still just a human woman, wasn't she? Was this the proverbial scorned woman's fury in front of him?

But really, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't and wouldn't beg for forgiveness just because she was his CO. They weren't lovers and if she couldn't stay professional, all he could suggest was for her to take her PMS medication.

Very inappropriately, he remembered that she hadn't slept at home last night. A hotel room on the Citadel? What else could it have been, if not a one night stand? Just as inappropriately, he felt the blazing rage return. He wouldn't beg for forgiveness when she'd spent the night with who knows whom.

He vowed to watch his own conduct in the near future, to make sure not to get caught with porn. If she was hurt enough, she could very well throw him off the ship.

Actually, wouldn't that solve all their problems? She would find someone who did better in a stressful situation, he wouldn't have to endure her bitchiness, his family would finally sleep well without fearing for his life.

Bitterness, the all too familiar bile-tasting bitterness filled him. Just like during all those days and nights on Mars, when he mourned her loss and couldn't forget. Oh, how he wanted to get up from his chair, grab her collar, toss her against the wall and yell in her face to leave him the fuck alone. He refrained from it. Some nagging feeling that he tried to ignore told him that 11,6 seconds were… truly not his best result.

"That being said," Shepard took a breath and let a smile crack her icy mask. "You two did save us from the Collectors. EDI, good job on defending our systems from their attack. Joker, great idea to compare the ship's profile to our attackers from two years ago. I trust your instincts like my own and you always prove me right. If not for those eleven seconds, I'd say it was perfect team work. Stay on it, kids. I believe you two can make a fabulous team if you trust each other. Thanks for saving us, I'm proud of you both."

She flashed them a radiant smile and walked away.

What the hell just happened? How did she go from PMSing to praising him in half a second? Holy Lord in heavens, why did women always have to be so confusing?! He couldn't even be mad at her now, could he?

* * *

Jo had no secrets from her crew except her personal ones. She briefed everyone on her findings on the Collector ship, about the Collectors themselves and about the Asshole's betrayal. After the debrief she contacted the man and let him know in no uncertain terms how she felt about his actions.

"You may not like to be on the receiving end," he said to her smugly. "But the facts are with me. As much as we try to avoid them, these decisions need to be made."

"And you're all too eager to make them, aren't you?"

"It paid off."

"Facts are that you realised I'm not going to let you manipulate me, so you sent me, the best chance this galaxy has to survive, into a trap, thinking that if I survived, I'd have no choice after the fact but to accept your twisted logic, and if I didn't survive, you'd be rid of a liability. Facts are that you don't look out for anyone's interest but your own. Facts are that your information is no longer good for me and I have no reason to be in contact with you anymore. Facts are that you're the most inhuman being I could have ever imagined. Facts are that I clearly see the synthetic glow in your eyes and keep wondering if you're not personally working for the Collectors. Or even the Reapers. Facts are that you're a dead man either way."

He ignored her threat and accusations, telling her about the IFF system the Collectors and the Reapers used to get past the Omega 4 relay. Jo decided that if she was going to get the device, it would be the last thing she did. Just to annoy him, she would do every single little mission on her list before she used another questionable bit of his intel. Colonists be damned.

Jo made sure to give Miranda a copy of the surveillance, so that she could clearly see how valuable she, Jo, the Normandy and the rest of them were to her sugar daddy. Miranda remained silent.

Later, when Jo was training on d'oles with Garrus again (he said she was uncannily good at it, too), her favourite turian said quietly to her:

"Strange things are happening, Jo."

She looked around. Jacob was the only one with them in the cargo bay, using the gym with his shirt off. He must feel useless, she knew it. She never took him on missions and mostly left him guard the ship when the rest of the crew got shore leave. But she wouldn't let him guard Miranda's room. His only job was to polish her armour and weapons. She'd never had such a useless team member in all her military career. Jacob was out of earshot, however, and Jo turned to Garrus:

"What things?"

"We leave Omega and then ten minutes later you change your mind and we go back for shore leave. Half of the time Joker isn't sleeping at night. I believe it's affecting his abilities, too. He's snippy even for his own standards. You're spending a whole night somewhere on the Citadel without letting anyone know. And today you're yelling at him for poor performance. Your mood's affecting the crew, too. I already had to deal with four fights and more are sure to come. Our com system's been hacked from inside and I still haven't found the source, nor did Tali. Someone is listening in on someone and I don't like it. Is there something I need to know?"

Jo let him disarm her and toss her to the ground. She also let him straddle her and press his d'oles in a cross against her throat. It brought him close to her and she could speak very quietly:

"I'm aware of all these things, Garrus. I'd gladly tell you if there was even one little thing you could do."

"Just tell me if I should be worried. Personally or professionally."

"Personally – no. Professionally – I really appreciate you dealing with fights among the crew. And please, leave the hacked com system to me."

"Is there another contact between Cerberus and someone on the ship?"

"No."

Garrus removed his weapons from her throat because Jacob was eyeing them with suspicion.

"You know who did it," he said to Jo with a little notion of mistrust.

"I have it under control," she said, pleading him with her eyes to understand that she couldn't be honest with him, not with EDI's cameras everywhere and her reports to the Asshole. She couldn't tell him that it was she who had hacked the com system to listen to Joker's voice for even a slightest chance to fall asleep. "Please, trust me, it's nothing to be concerned about."

The single most wonderful thing about Garrus was that despite being another species, he still knew very well when to take a hint.

* * *

Joker was loitering. He decided to ask Dr. Chakwas' opinion on the whole Bonaparte/Alexander/haircut thing, but he didn't want to go to her in the med bay. He wanted to ask this as casually as possible. And he wanted no witnesses. So he loitered in the mess hall after dinner, when he actually ended his shift when he was supposed to. The doctor was having a long conversation with Samara after everyone else already left, and the two women were driving Joker insane. How long could people talk about nothing in particular? When Samara finally left to meditate, Joker was completely and entirely too nervous to ask any questions. That was when Kelly Chambers showed up, took a look at them, made a u-turn and fled the mess hall again. Shepard's old friends made her extremely uncomfortable. Joker realised that compared to that woman he really had no problems in his life.

"Say, Doc," he began.

"Yes, Jeff?" Chakwas opened her omnitool to read something.

"Someone said something to me the other day, but I'm not sure what to make of it."

"Yes?"

"That… Napoleon was short, Caesar was left-handed, Alexander had some sort of haircut, and I have brittle bones."

Chakwas looked up at him with sudden attention.

"Who told you that?" She basically demanded.

"Uhm. The Commander." His heart was beating where his Adam's apple was.

"Ah," Chakwas relaxed into a smile and went back to reading her omnitool. "I thought it would have been her."

"Why?" This time he jumped in surprise.

"Oh, she told me something like that once. About Alexander the Great."

"Alexander?" Joker's heart beating in his throat really made his voice squeaky.

"Yes. Back on the first Normandy, I think. We were having a conversation once and she said she read in some history book that back in the day when archaeology really boomed and people were digging up all those ruins around the Mediterranean Sea, if they found a bust of a man and couldn't find any inscription, they could tell by the bangs on his forehead that it was Alexander the Great. You wouldn't believe the books she's reading."

"At this point I would believe just about anything about her," he muttered. "So what does it mean?"

"I don't know what she meant, you didn't give me the context of your conversation."

Joker thought that she only pretended to read, while she secretly enjoyed watching him squirm.

"Oh, she was just telling me how awesome I am."

"Well, there you go. That's what she meant."

"Yeah, but Doc, my brittle bones and some guy's haircut? And Napoleon being short isn't exactly a compliment. And Caesar being left-handed really has nothing to do with nothing."

Dr. Chakwas deactivated her omnitool and leaned onto the table to look him directly in the eye:

"None of those things are meant to be compliments, Jeff. You really should ask the Commander what she meant, but if I had to make a wild guess, I'd say that when she mentioned Napoleon, she wanted to show you that great people come in all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be a Hercules – whom she apparently didn't mention, note that! – to achieve truly magnificent things. The shortness isn't the compliment, Napoleon is the compliment. He was a man who made sure his name went down in history, that even centuries after his death we still know his achievements, we took it with us to the stars, to a whole new world." She gestured at the ship in general, pointing out where they were: in space.

"He may not have liked being short," she continued. "But he didn't let it stop him from becoming a legend. Which is to say, true greatness isn't measured by a body's limitations. At the same time it puts a person to the name. It's what makes him human to us, who only know the legend of Napoleon. Knowing he was short helps us see him as one of us, with his flaws, quirks, see him as a human being. It's what we can relate to, what gives us proof that he wasn't some idol, he was a real man."

Could this be what Shepard had meant to say to him that day? It was too hard to believe.

"When she mentioned Caesar and his left-handedness, she probably meant to say that a man was born with his body working in a certain way, different from most other people, but just the same, it didn't stop him from becoming truly great. She probably meant to say that your brittle bones influence your greatness as much as Caesar's left-handedness influenced his. Namely not at all."

He swallowed hard.

"But once again, it's something personal we know about him, something we can relate to. About Alexander, though… His haircut is what makes him Alexander to us. He lived so long ago, there are no pictures of him, no portraits, even. We have to rely on iconography to even identify a bust as his image. But we know this one little detail about him and we can find a face to put to the legend."

Now he was really confused, and the Doctor saw that. She smiled cheekily:

"Imagine we defeated the Reapers. Imagine ten thousand years in the future. This war is a greater legend than the Trojan War on Earth, because the whole galaxy was threatened. But all our faces faded away, our personalities got lost, only perhaps an occasional memorial still stands. And then the archaeologists find a grave that says: Here lies the heroic pilot Jeff Joker Moreau. How will they know if it's a fake or not? They'll test the bones, see the Vrolik's. It'll seal the deal for the future generations. That's how they'll know it's you."

Joker couldn't even blink. In fact, he wasn't even breathing. Could she be right? Was that what Shepard wanted to tell him?

Chakwas leaned back in her chair, assuming nonchalance once again.

"I don't know what the two of you've been talking about when she said that to you, but I must say I'm impressed. She put you in the same line as the greatest men in human history. She must think very highly of you. _Exceptionally _highly."

"Is that so surprising?" He blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.

"No. She never hid her appreciation for your skills, Jeff. But why didn't you ask her personally what she meant?"

"Dunno," he shrugged, blushing a furious red. "What do you think they'll say about Shepard ten thousand years from now? You know, her own little quirk? That she was the last real blond?"

"Hm," Chakwas accepted the challenge. "Helen of Troy was blond. Did you know that?"

"No."

"But you did know that she was the most beautiful woman of her time?"

"Yeah, a face that launched a thousand ships and all that."

"Her hair colour didn't make it across time. I'm afraid that Shepard's colouring won't, either. Maybe that she was an orphan?"

"That could hold," Joker nodded. "Marks her as a bit different from other people, but approachable, human, real. One word that gives a whole story."

"The Original Badass."

They both jumped in their seats. Shepard stood near the kitchen counter – she could sneak around really quietly if she wanted to!

"If they're saying something about me ten thousand years from now, I want them to say that I was the Original Badass. That there was no one more badass than me in the whole galaxy."

"I don't think you can really choose what they remember, Shepard," Chakwas smiled.

"But I can do everything in my power to make everyone remember what a badass I am, right?"

"Yes, keep trying, maybe one day they'll forget that you're nothing more than a little blond girl," Chakwas teased.

"I've been cursed by the gods," Shepard heaved with an exaggerated sigh.

Both Grunt and Mordin had approached Shepard on the same day to ask her for help. Both their requests directed the ship to Tuchanka and Joker noticed a little wistful longing in the Commander's voice when she gave the order to set the course. He wondered what that was about. Perhaps she hoped to find Wrex there. The last news about the gigantic krogan had been his location on his homeworld, but nothing more.

With nothing to do for a while after the course was plotted, Joker logged into the security system to catch up on interesting conversations.

He found one from last night. Shepard and Garrus had been sparring again and the end of the session caught his attention. The com system was hacked, Tali of all people couldn't find the culprit, Shepard knew about it and asked her best friend to leave it alone without explanations? This screamed danger. Or rather that screamed secrets and he could never resist a secret.

"EDI, are you aware of a leak in our com system?" He demanded.

"I am aware of all ship's communications."

"Do you know who hacked our coms?"

"I've been ordered not to reveal the person's identity."

Joker paused to think. EDI was telling him something without telling him anything at all. All he had to do was decipher her riddle. If she'd been ordered and obeyed that order even against his questioning – the third-highest ranking officer on the ship – while Garrus knew nothing about it, then it must have been Shepard who gave that order. Why would the Commander do that? Was she protecting someone? He dismissed the idea. If someone was contacting Cerberus, all hell would be loose on the ship once again. If Miranda was trying something, or Jacob, Shepard wouldn't protect them. Jack already had access to everything she wanted, and Kasumi… Well, perhaps Kasumi.

Then it hit him. Shepard wasn't protecting anyone. She would have told Garrus, if it was Kasumi. The culprit was the Commander herself.

He contacted Tali and asked for what she had on the hacking. The quarian sent him her findings and Joker set to work. Knowing what he knew – and nobody else on the ship did – he had a sickening suspicion.

It took him about thirty minutes to find the trail that connected his own earpiece to Shepard's omnitool. Nobody would have found it if they didn't know where to look.

He leaned back in his chair, breathing heavily. His heart was thumping like a gong.

She was spying on him. Was she the kind of a woman who stalked the man she claimed to love?

He checked statistics. The trail existed for a long time now, was mostly activated in the evenings, three-four times a week, for several hours each time. The log showed that the Commander was alone in her cabin at those times with orders not to disturb her. Everyone on the ship assumed she just took some time to relax, what with her insomnia and all.

Joker didn't know what to make of this. Sure, he was spying on everyone, hacking everything and digging up everyone's secrets. He didn't know if he felt comfortable being on the receiving end of such tactic. But seriously, why his earpiece? She couldn't really find out anything interesting about him this way. All she got was his late night conversation a.k.a. bickering with EDI. Mostly about systems, personal space and regulations. What was she getting out of this?

He didn't want to know. He was also never going to mention this to her. It took him only minutes to kill the connection. If she wanted to stalk him, he wouldn't make it easier for her. He would proudly remain the only certified stalker on this ship.

"EDI, thanks for telling me," he said. He had no doubt that EDI intentionally gave him just enough information to put the pieces together. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. At least in this case she proved to be on his side, not Shepard's.

* * *

"Commander, Mr. Moreau has found your connection to his earpiece and deactivated it," EDI pronounced in the speakers. Jo was sipping some tea and froze at the information. She swallowed slowly and raised her head:

"How did he find out?"

"He listened to your conversation with Mr. Vakarian from last night, asked Tali'Zorah for her findings and worked it out."

"And you're sure you didn't tell him or otherwise help him?"

"I told him I was under orders not to disclose the information."

"Of course, that was all he needed to put two and two together."

"Mr. Moreau's IQ is indeed higher than that of ninety seven percent of other humans."

Jo blinked. It was the perfect moment to use her own IQ. The damn AI liked Joker, for fuck's sake! Or in human terms: EDI was interested in him. Jo had to admit, she hadn't seen this coming. If even the AI was siding with Joker now, Jo had no allies in the matter.

EDI potentially had the power to do a lot of damage to Jo's cause, if she put her processing power to it. Would Jo actually have to fight an AI over a man? Well, there was still one thing she had that EDI didn't. An actual body.


	27. Kings

The way to Tuchanka took them a while, since Shepard had him stop the ship in several solar systems to mine for resources. Everyone stayed away from Grunt these days, except (obviously) Shepard. Joker kept checking the com system over and over but no other hacking attempts had been made. So, for the lack of anything better to do, he hacked the Commander's personal account and read her emails. He found an old message from Alenko, dated only a day or two after they'd seen him on Horizon. It sounded like he was writing to the most important woman in his life, while Joker knew exactly that she was not interested, that there was nothing between those two.

Also, he found a message from Hackett, dated the very first day Shepard took over this new Normandy. In it the Admiral asked her to check out Alchera and the first Normandy's crash site, collect the dog tags and erect a monument. What first disturbed him was that in the two years of her absence nobody in the whole Alliance had bothered to go there and collect the dog tags, and now Shepard was supposed to go to the place where she died and perform some overrated duty. What disturbed him after a slightly longer consideration was that the message was marked as read, the location was not on the galaxy map and that Shepard never mentioned such a request to anyone. She never mentioned any intention to go to Alchera, either.

He shouldn't be surprised. He didn't want to go to the place and open all the old wounds. He could only imagine how unsettling such a quest would be for her. He'd made his peace with what had happened there when he finally accepted that Shepard was back alive. He couldn't tell if she had made her peace with it, though.

He never mentioned to her that he'd discovered her hacking attempt on his earpiece, and she never brought it up, either. But as they travelled across the galaxy, Shepard started coming to sit next to him again. She'd stayed away at first after their… meeting on Omega, but she was back now. Most of the time she said nothing, just sat there and read her books.

* * *

Tuchanka. It turned out to be exactly what everyone had envisioned: a dump. Jo was a little amused, taking Mordin and Grunt with her groundside. A salarian on the krogan homeworld? She hoped the scientist had a really thick hide. She didn't know what to expect from the harsh planet and its harsh people. She'd been close with Wrex, but was there even a slight chance of finding him in this godforsaken place?

Then some guard tried to stop her from seeing the Urdnot clan leader, telling her she had to be summoned. And suddenly her world turned the right side up.

"Shepard!" Wrex yelled, pushing his guards aside and rushing towards her with a gigantic grin and his arms wide open.

Jo arrived home, as she jumped up and wrapped her arms and legs around the only other male in the whole galaxy she was attracted to. Such a greeting wouldn't go well in the Alliance or anywhere, really, and everyone around them, Mordin and Grunt included, looked at them with surprised disdain, but Jo couldn't care less. All she cared about was that Wrex held her tightly against himself, just the way she taught him human women had to be treated. She felt ten years younger in his arms again, like the girl she used to be when they knew each other two years ago, confident, wholesome. Just like the animal attraction between them demanded, she rubbed her cheek against his and he returned the gesture with a happy purr. She was sure that they were doing something incredibly inappropriate in krogan culture, but she was just happy to see him.

"Shepard," Wrex repeated, slowly placing her back on the ground. He wore new armour and had a few new scars on his face, but most importantly there was something new about his energy that engulfed her like a cloak. He felt younger as well, more energetic, focused, fresh and hopeful. All the things he was _not_ two years ago. Still, he was her very own giant and she loved him insanely.

"Wrex," she breathed, still grinning like a madwoman.

He showed her his new throne and told her about his work as the new Urdnot clan leader. In return she introduced him to her baby. It was almost funny. Wrex was the first real krogan that Grunt came in contact with on a personal level. The "whelp" was so much smaller than the old warrior, his plates not fully formed, his whole body looking softer. Jo stepped back and let the krogans sniff at each other. It was the only way. She chuckled, when Grunt declared:

"I'm pure krogan. You should be in awe."

There was no other krogan purer than Wrex, in her opinion, and Grunt seemed to have forgotten all her lessons in humility. He was pushing it. But he needed that to establish his own position. He was a new entity and had to earn his status in the krogan hierarchy. So she let him. She trusted Wrex to deal with him in the true krogan way. He would know that she wouldn't bring him an unworthy child.

Their business on the planet took them a lot longer than the usual 2-3 hours she would spend on a mission. Or perhaps despite the total destruction of this planet she felt more at home here than she'd ever felt on Earth and didn't really want to leave. She was having a great time head-butting krogans, shooting pyjaks, petting varren, annoying everyone who had anything to say against her, Wrex or Grunt.

She was glad, however, that Wrex and other krogans didn't see what she found in Maelon's facility. She was glad they hadn't heard what Mordin had to say about it, either. Her guts turned upside down as Mordin defended his STG work, she knew that the whole krogan population would descend on her head if anyone learned of this salarian's role in their history. Not even Commander Shepard could win against all krogans at once. She urged Mordin to save Maelon's research. Maybe having it would give the salarian the right idea to continue it. She could feel the pain of the entire species, the pain of the planet, the decay, the desolation. She didn't know what to do about it, but knew she had to do something. Anything.

Jo knew that none of them had seen anything like what happened during Grunt's rite of passage. If Grunt was the one supposed to come of age and deal with his anger, Jo didn't care. She blasted her way through rachni drones and varren, and almost blew the head off the poor Thresher Maw. She and the Maws had their own score to settle. Krogans were impressed.

* * *

Joker watched all the head-butting, roaring and snarling going on since Shepard stepped onto that blasted planet and couldn't help but think that in her past life she had probably been a krogan. A very mean and nasty one. She spoke their language and was clearly more comfortable around them than around humans.

After she so spectacularly made shish kabob out of their resident Thresher Maw, the whole clan Urdnot declared a night of celebrations. Shepard allowed anyone who wanted to come down from the ship to join in. Not everyone was so brave, and the ones who did brought their own booze. Joker stayed away and planned to watch the whole thing through her camera feed, but, shockingly, she disconnected. It tensed him. She had left her camera and her earpiece on all the time, even if she was just shopping on the Citadel, and he really suspected that she liked knowing that he watched her. If she disconnected now, there was something going to happen that she didn't want him to know about.

* * *

The celebration was going quite well. Nobody bothered her turian, her asari, her drell and her humans. Not after they'd all seen what she'd done to the Thresher Maw and to Gatatog Uvenk. Mordin chose to go back to the ship and stay there. As Grunt was bonding with his new clan brothers, Jo followed Wrex to a small private room in the compound, which wasn't any nicer than the rest of this dump. But there were a few crates to sit on and a lamp.

"You sure you're not drinking?" Wrex rumbled.

"Yes, I am. Alcohol gives me more nightmares than I can handle, so I swore it off."

"Is this the first time you confess that there is something you can't handle?" He nudged her with his shoulder, almost tossing her off the crate. She smiled mirthlessly:

"You and I aren't getting any younger. All that bravado isn't for my old bones anymore."

"What, two years and you became ancient?"

"No, death – and I became disillusioned."

Wrex nodded, opening a new bottle of ryncol.

"And yet here you are, still saving the world, still jumping into every shithole for your crew. You haven't changed all that much."

"But you have," she looked into those red alien eyes with a nod. "You were disillusioned once. Bitter. Resigned. Look at you now, king of Tuchanka, peace maker among krogans, reformer, educator. That is so hot…"

"I had a mind-boggling battlemaster," he winked at her.

"Did you now?" She grinned cheekily.

"You are the only one in my whole lifetime who could stare me down when I was furious. That was so hot, Jo, you have no idea."

"Wrex, why didn't we ever…" She asked half a question and he nudged her again, gently this time.

"It's not too late," he gave her body a long, singeing look. Jo looked straight at him and put a gentle hand on his cheek:

"Except it is, I'm sorry. I can't, I fell in love with someone."

"Don't tell me it's the tank-bred pup," he roared with laughter.

"No, Wrex, you are the only krogan male in my life. Grunt is my baby."

"Too bad for me, then," he winked at her in a very human fashion. "Missed my chance, damn it. Hope that other guy treats you right."

Jo fell silent for a while, looking at her scarred hands.

"Can I tell you something?" She asked.

"Anything."

"I feel closer to you most of the time than to humans. You'll always be there for me, right?"

"I'll always be there for you, no matter if a thousand Maws attack or if I'm bleeding to death with all limbs missing. I'm yours."

"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me," she looked sad, and he picked up on that. He grabbed her wrist and hurtled her against himself.

"What happened to you? Did someone hurt you? How is that possible?" He wrapped his arms around her and pressed her into a hug.

Jo knew that her relationship with Wrex defied definition. There was wild sexual attraction and at the same time wonderful, tender friendship. She didn't mind that he wasn't human. She couldn't label this thing between them. If she weren't in love with Joker, she would be in bed with Wrex without a moment's pause. Why him and not Garrus, then? Garrus was even closer to her, he was her soul mate. But no, it had to be Wrex. None of it mattered right now because he was holding her just the way she needed him to. He could see her bare and naked despite all the clothes and armour. He could see her soul.

"Why does everything have to become so complicated?" She sighed against his chest.

"It's not. Not to me, anyway."

"Make it simple for me, then."

"First tell me, what's so complicated?"

"I try to do the right thing, but people keep telling me I'm a traitor working for Cerberus while I've never worked for or with them, I renounced them as soon as I could. Galaxy is under attack and nobody wants to believe it. I'm in love with a guy who doesn't want me."

"You told me: doing the right thing is always easy, so do it. Who cares what others think? Galaxy will find out soon enough it's under attack, and then they'll come running to you. No need to panic about it right now – enjoy the calm. As for the guy… Jo, are you fucking kidding me? He doesn't want you? Who is it anyway?"

"Joker."

"The brittle bone pilot? Seriously? Why?"

"Explaining that would move things way beyond complicated."

"Okay, let me un-complicate it for you. You want him – you go and get him."

Jo sat back and looked into the red eyes that seemed to glow in the dim light.

"I know, but I can't exactly point my grenade launcher at him and force him."

"Why not? You're Shepard. That's what you do. Would have worked on me."

She chuckled, and he saluted her with his bottle:

"Joker, huh? I thought for sure it would be the turian."

"Garrus?" Jo blinked. "What makes you say that? He's like my brother."

"Yeah, maybe now. He used to have a mad crush on you back in the day. Didn't you know?"

Jo opened her mouth and closed it again. That was new. She hadn't known.

"How do you know?"

"I may not be turian or human, Jo, but I'm still a man. I know what a guy looks like when he's smitten."

"Do you think he is over it?"

They both looked outside through the door, where the party was roaring, and Garrus was in the middle of it, making short work of wannabe-snipers who dared to challenge him.

"Looks like it. He looks at you differently now, you know."

Jo turned on her crate and laid down on her back, her head on Wrex' thigh.

"I wish I could stay here like this forever. No Reapers, no politics, no games, no impossible odds. I'd be your krantt, help you unite the clans. I belong here with you more than I belong on Earth."

"As long as I live, Tuchanka will always be your home, Jo. About that unworthy worm you're in love with, though. You've got the big guns, so hit Joker, he'll be at your feet before he knows what happened."

"Hm. Maybe you're right. I need to make a move." She had no idea what she would do, but Wrex gave her the confidence and the strength to continue that war, despite a few lost battles. She would get her man. Eventually. "About the galaxy…" She sighed. "Sometimes I really have half a mind to step aside, grab a chair, a cold beer and just watch the world go under because of its own stupidity. Could be fun, and definitely less stress and pain for me."

"See, things aren't so complicated after all."

"Guess they're not."

"As for me, Shepard," he stood up and loomed over her with a cheeky grin. "You can always count on things being uncomplicated here. When you come to me, you can have anything you want. No questions asked. No strings attached. No favours traded. When you come to Tuchanka, there are no obligations or expectations. I'll have you any way you come."

"Even if I never fuck you?"

"Even then."

"You are an extraordinary man, Wrex."

"And you're a real woman."

They both laughed at that.

Her fish had died. Jo came home after the celebration on Tuchanka and they were floating belly-up in the tank. She remembered that the last time she fed them was four days ago. Damnit. She had them from all over the galaxy. Now she would just have to go to Illium again for no other reason than to get a new batch. Well, there was also Liara and her Shadow Broker, but considering how Jo felt about Liara at the moment, fish were a much more compelling reason to visit the planet. But first they could go to the Citadel, it was a lot closer. While the ship was being repaired, refitted and resupplied, Jo finished her business on the Citadel and gave everyone an evening free. After their night on Tuchanka people needed some adequate relaxation. Garrus invited her to tag along with him to the Dark Star.

"Are you getting any sleep at all?" He asked her, once they were seated with their drinks.

"An hour or two every fifth day or so." And even less since Joker found her connection to his earpiece and deactivated it. "No pills help. Sometimes I wish someone would whack me over the head with a rifle and knock me out for a while. Might be the only way to get any rest."

"You know, Jo, my rifle is always at your service."

They both laughed, and at that moment two middle-aged human officers came over to their table.

"Excuse me, you are Commander Shepard, aren't you?" One of them asked.

"Yes," the grin slowly disappeared from her face, as she sized them up. Fans.

"It's such an honour to meet you, Commander," he said with genuine enthusiasm. Usually those fans were a lot younger, but these guys seemed to be in their mid-forties, one a Colonel, and the one who spoke a Major.

"Likewise," she said with her Commander Shepard face. Garrus chuckled a little when he saw her put on the mask.

"Could you perhaps sign my gun?" The Major asked, pointing at his sidearm.

"Sure, why not," she shrugged, and the guy immediately produced a pen and handed her the weapon.

"That may go down in history as the quickest disarming ever," Garrus pointed out, and all of them laughed out loudly. Jo signed the gun, then the Colonel asked her to sign his, and then three more guys from their table scuttled over to ask the same.

"Officers," Garrus sat up in his chair, a lot more serious now. "You are taking Commander's time when she is on her shore leave, hoping to relax a little."

Their enthusiasm went poof. Jo didn't contradict Garrus. She said:

"I'll sign your guns, but then I'd like to finish my drink with my friend in peace, okay?"

"Sure, sure, Commander, we never dreamt to impose."

"It's all right, have a nice day."

"Can we perhaps buy you a drink?"

"Don't push it, Major," Jo smiled eventually. He raised his hands, giving up:

"Sorry Commander. Forgive me, but you're much prettier in life than in the vids."

Jo nodded, listlessly. As the guys moved on, she saw Joker, Ken and Gabby watching them from another corner of the room. So, he didn't like that, did he? Perhaps, as Wrex advised her, it was time to bring out the big guns. Hit him where it hurts. Use her god-given charms in a way no male (even an alien one) could refuse. Jo unzipped her jacked and let it slide down her shoulders and arms.

"I'm gonna go get us more drinks," she said to Garrus and threw the jacket over the backrest of an empty chair. The black tank top she wore beneath it hugged her figure perfectly, left her arms bare and showed the top rim of her red, lacy bra. She got up and walked to the bar, swaying her hips a little bit more than she should have. While waiting for the drinks, she leaned deep onto the bar, giving the entire clientele a perfect sight of her ass, swaying it slightly to the music.

She could feel eyes on her. Dozens of hot, scorching glances glued to her behind. She could almost hear the thoughts rushing through the heads of all these males, officers and civilians alike, strangers and those she knew. She could sense the commotion as several visitors were hurriedly taking pictures. She let them.

When she was back, she leaned over the table again to place Garrus' drink in front of him, giving the guys at Joker's table a decent sight of her cleavage.

"Commander, I'm not sure about human mating rituals, but whatever it is you're doing seems to have a strong effect on human males," her favourite turian said.

Jo sat down, making sure to show a patch of skin between the waist of her pants and the tank top on her back. She stretched her arms like a cat, working out a little pain in her neck, also conveniently sticking out her breasts. She had the attention of everyone in the bar now. She slowly ran her fingers around the rim of her glass and shrugged:

"I am considered not only beautiful among my people, but also very, very fuckable, Garrus," she said. "The only thing keeping men from grabbing my butt in narrow corridors is my grenade launcher. And lately my reputation. But sometimes even Commander Shepard wants to feel like a woman."

"A little rusty, huh? Are you planning to find a mate for tonight?"

Jo stole a quick look over at Joker's table, where he was hunched deep over his drink, and shrugged:

"You know, death tends to reshuffle a person's priorities. A one night stand isn't really what I want. I'd just like to tease a little. Feel like a normal person again."

"If you're trying to tease me, Jo, I must say that as much as I love you, human sex appeal isn't something I fully understand."

"No, not you. I'm trying to make some human males uncomfortable in their pants."

"Is it working?"

"Hard to say from where I'm sitting, but it must be. I see several drooling over their drinks as they look at me."

"I see at least a dozen drooling behind you. Is this some sort of a hunting game?"

"Yes. Human mating rituals consist of a lot of hunting," Jo sipped her drink. "Men like to pursue women, and women have to resist. But women give men promises of sexual pleasures, which drives men on, gets them in the mood, so it's mutual. Women hunt men to make them hunt women."

"Very interesting."

"What about you, Garrus? How long has it been for you?"

"I had a few nights off on Omega, before the whole operation went down the drain."

"You don't get to meet many turian women under my command, and it's my fault."

"That's okay. We're soldiers, we signed up for this."

"Why are you spending your shore leave with the old grumpy Shepard, when you could go meet someone interesting?"

"Come on, Jo, you know there's nobody more interesting than you."

"Aw, now you made me blush!" She laughed, and he laughed with her. Jo caught a strange look from Joker. She suddenly felt very tired. "You know, I think I'm gonna call it a night. Thanks for inviting me along, Garrus."

"My pleasure. It's interesting to observe human mating rituals."

"Very effective tricks, aren't they?" She got up and left the club, not bothering to look at Joker.

Back on the Normandy she went straight for the console where the crew members left their earpieces after their shift. She made sure to block her hands from EDI's view, and moved as quickly and stealthy as she could over Joker's device. She got a microchip this afternoon on the Citadel, a tiny device with a weak signal and short range, which wouldn't disturb the ship's communication systems in any way. The earpiece didn't even have to be on. This microchip was a completely separate device now stuck to Joker's communicator and connected only to her omnitool. She didn't need to hear him across the galaxy, she only needed to hear him across the ship, for which the microchip was entirely sufficient. He would never find it, not even with EDI's help.

Fifteen minutes after she entered her cabin, someone rang her door. She went to punch in the access code and found herself standing nose to nose with Joker.

"Commander, you forgot your jacket in the club," he said, as if he had practised the phrase on his way, and held it over to her, neatly folded.

"Thank you," she said, intentionally brushing his hands with her fingers as she took the garment. "Why don't you come in, now that you're here? I was about to start on the weekly duty roster."

"I..." He hesitated, but then followed her inside. She put the jacket in the drawer, taking her sweet time walking around the suite and giving him time to look around.

"Why are you doing the duty rosters?" He asked her eventually. Jo preferred not to look at him. Just one look at him in her private quarters, with those crooked shoulders, and she'd jump his bones without asking for permission.

"I like doing something simple now and then. No impossible odds about that."

"So, you don't always strive to live your life at the extreme?" He said, and she could have sworn he was teasing her, but considering their relationship lately she wasn't sure.

"Imagine that," she shrugged.

"What happened to your fish?"

"They realised we were going on a suicide mission and thought: why wait?"

"You met some fans in the club today, as we saw?" He asked again, looking closer at the Prothean artefact from one of their little side missions, a shiny black orb on her coffee table. Well, wasn't he a pool of random questions tonight!

"Yeah, it's kind of sad." Jo went to stand by the fish tank.

"Why? Because you could have all those guys, but not the one guy that you want?" He asked, and Jo admitted to herself that she hadn't expected him to go there. His words were seemingly harmless, but they hit her like a blow nonetheless.

"No, it's sad that all those men who know me from the vids flock around me all the time, and the one guy who knows the woman behind the legend will not have anything to do with me. What does that say about me?"

"It's not like that and you know it."

"Do I?"

"It's just that I never really considered it."

"Now that I know to be a lie."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Did you think I didn't notice the way you look at my butt whenever I walk from the cockpit to the CIC?"

He gulped:

"EDI told you? I'll have words with her."

"She never had to. You looked at me like I was a dish of ice cream long before EDI was even born."

There was a long pause behind her back. A very long pause. Then he said in a quiet, tortured voice:

"What do you want from me, Shepard?"

"Me? It's not about what I want. I just firmly believe that you deserve much more than what you've settled for."

"You don't need to take care of me on top of everything else you're doing, Commander."

"Jo. My name is Johanna. And doing something for you, making you happy, making you smile isn't a chore. It's the greatest pleasure in my otherwise very violent, dark and desolate life."

He remained silent for another long while, and it was about to become torture. He was here, alone with her in her room, he wasn't leaving, but he wasn't willing to make a step towards her, either. Jo sighed deeply and said:

"I've been honest with you about what I want. I'll always be honest with you, Jeff. Question is: what is it that _you_ want?"

"I want you to indulge a question."

"Shoot."

"That night before we went to check out the Collector ship, you spent the night in a hotel on the Citadel. Who were you with?"

"No one." She felt a powerful kick in her guts. He was jealous. He was friggin' jealous! He may not be ready to admit it to himself, but he was, and his jealousy felt like the gift from the gods right now. She turned to look at him directly. "I spent the whole night watching Keiji Okuda's memories, filtering information about the Alliance from them. Don't ask me what I found, not on this ship with Cerberus spies and cameras all around us."

He narrowed his eyes:

"Tuchanka? You and Wrex sneaked away and your earpiece and camera were off."

"Yeah. I wanted to talk to one of my best friends."

"But what about?" He sounded almost tortured.

"About you."

He looked like he was fighting some powerful emotions. He was searching her face for something, but she couldn't tell what. Then he went for the kill.

"Did you ever have sex with a target on one of your N7 undercover missions on your superiors' orders?"

"Yes."

He swayed, like she'd dealt him a death blow, and reached out to hold on to the railings.

"It's not like you're asking for details, and I'm certainly not apologising," she continued, wondering if she'd just killed the last shred of chance of them being together. "But it happened only once. As far as informants go, he was a pretty decent, good looking guy, and while he wouldn't have been my voluntary choice of a bed partner, I wasn't forcing myself all too much. I did it to prove to myself that I can, if I need to, and to pass the hurdle to get the invitation to my next N course."

"It was a requirement for progress in the academy?" Joker breathed out.

"Yes."

He looked at her, she looked at him, and Jo felt tears rising to her eyes. He was so close, he was in her life, in her personal space, and now even in her room, but he was still so far out of her reach, it was worse than torture. It was killing her. The need to touch him, be touched by him, was so powerful that she could taste it and smell it. At the same time she knew – better than she knew how to put a rifle together – that she could never and would never force this man into anything. She cherished his free will and good opinion more than anything else in the world.

"What's the verdict? Am I unworthy of you now that you know I've whored myself out?" She asked. If he was going for the kill, he might as well do it here and now.

Except her question seemed to have confused him.

"Uhm. No." He let go of the railings. "It wasn't a deal breaker, if that's what you think. I was just curious. Actually, I think it's kind of amazing. Your willpower. Things you would do to achieve results. Sacrifices you bring. Personal sacrifices. Can't imagine it was something you did easily, or light-heartedly, or ever wanted to repeat. In fact I'm pretty sure you did it once to get ahead with the N program to make sure you never have to do it again. You are and always will be the most amazing woman in the galaxy. It's just… you and me – that's not happening. I'm not what you need. I can never be what you really need. Sorry, Commander. But seriously, it has nothing to do with you sleeping with a target. If anything, it's kind of hot. Still, I'm sorry."

With that he left her alone and silently exited the room. Once the door closed behind him, she threw herself on the bed, sobbing.

* * *

Joker stepped outside her room and his knees gave in. He collapsed against the closed door and slowly slid to the ground. The way she stood there, wide-eyed, waiting for his words, for the death blow, it tore him apart.

So she hadn't slept with anyone on the Citadel, and she hadn't had sex with Wrex. Good to know? Sure. But the knowledge that she hadn't cheated on him, so to speak, only eased his mind a little bit. It was that look on her face that drove him to his knees, literally. So vulnerable. So open. Honest. She was true to her word and told him whatever he wanted to know, even if it meant confessing to things she clearly wasn't proud of. She told him anyway and put herself in his hands for his judgement. And that look on her face when she did…

He'd never even dreamt that his opinion meant so much to her. She'd made it painfully clear that she was a wholesome person and didn't need anyone's approval. But she did care about his.

She was brave. Braver and stronger than anyone he knew or could even imagine. Yes, she went toe to toe with Thresher Maws, but hey, he'd also faced off the Collectors and walked away with nothing more than a good adrenalin rush. That wasn't bravery. She had the courage to open her heart to another person, drop all the shields and defences and make herself vulnerable. He couldn't possibly hurt her physically, and yet she gave him more power than anyone else. She gave him the power to destroy her with just a word.

What had he ever done to deserve that kind of trust? He knew he could never live up to such overwhelming bravery. He was not worthy of that kind of loyalty.

And yet he had it. He hadn't asked for it, but he had it. She gave it to him voluntarily. That little blond girl. That original badass.

What the hell was he supposed to do?


	28. Something somewhere has to give

Next morning Jo took Garrus and Tali to investigate something the Asshole had called "Project Overlord" in his message. It sounded sinister and just like Cerberus.

That afternoon, for the first time in the last eighteen years, Jo ducked behind a flashing console and threw up. There was nothing in her stomach, but the bile rose quickly. She'd been through torture, pain, she'd walked battlefields knee-deep in someone's entrails, she'd seen it all – or so she'd thought.

One look at David Archer, strapped like organic goo inside a machine, his eyes pried open, spikes through his nerve bundles, pipes everywhere, tears running down his helpless face and the machine voice repeating his desperate plea to make it stop – one look at him sent her spewing her guts.

When Garrus and Tali caught up with her in the chamber, she didn't let them ponder the situation, or they would freeze, like she had. She sent Tali to find a blanket or something else to cover the poor man up, and asked Garrus to securely tie Dr. Gavin Archer to the nearest pipe.

"It's over," she whispered, as she shut down the consoles and machines around poor David. He was watching her with tears, too wrung out to even be relieved. Then, before freeing him from the cruel contraption, Jo took off her own armour and guns. After the treatment the man had received from his own brother, he needed normal human touch, not more metal and hard edges. She was shedding silent tears as she carefully removed the tubes and spikes, crooning all the time, until the naked, abused man crumpled against her. He closed his eyes, whispering over and over about the square root of various numbers, as Jo held him against her like a child and whispered calming words. Tali handed her a blanket and a robe she'd found in the nearest med lab. Jo couldn't see the girl's facial expression, of course, but the way Tali retreated to Garrus' side with shaky hands and let him hug her told Jo that both her friends were equally shaken by what they were seeing.

Jo didn't take David to the med labs on the station. She was sure he'd spent too much time there already. She carried him to her shuttle, put some clothes on him, a blanket around his shoulders, a drink and a snack in his hands, and sat with him for hours, deep into the night, until an Alliance shuttle arrived and took him away to Grissom Academy.

Then she and her team returned to the spot where they'd chained Dr. Archer down. He looked resigned to his fate, whatever it might be, but for the first time in her role as judge and executioner Jo didn't know what to do with the man. Death would be too merciful for him. Life was too good. If to err was human and to forgive was divine, she didn't know how to be or do either.

In the end she did nothing. He remained tied to the pipe when she and her team left the planet.

Back on the Normandy she was greeted with sombre faces. After she'd banned them from Joker's consoles people were still watching her mission feed on the screens in the CIC and they knew what happened. Without speaking to anyone Jo went to the debriefing room, sat down and put her forehead in her hand. She sat there for a long time, trying to comprehend. Failing. She'd seen and done so many things in her life, but nothing had ever burdened her like the treatment of David Archer. At least she could say that she was killing, mauling and torturing armed people, or people who knew the risks of their occupation. Subjecting a helpless innocent who needed special care and a world of love to things David had to go through went against everything that was sacred in this galaxy.

As the crew had no new orders from her, the ship still hung in the planet's orbit. Garrus took the time to mine for resources. Eventually Jo went to Miranda's room. She tossed the woman out of her bed, only then realising that it was early morning hours and people were supposed to be sleeping. She gave the bitch a datapad with the mission vid and left her to it. Until now she had only received those data pads back and a scowl from the woman, but that night, after watching the contents, Miranda asked to have a word with her.

"I didn't want to believe you," she said a lot calmer than usual. "I thought that people were just misinterpreting the Illusive Man's orders and all those things happened without his knowledge, unfortunate incidents. I believe it doesn't reflect well on me if I keep fooling myself. He knows, he'd always known. And he encourages it. It's not an isolated incident, it's the established MO. I do not think I can stand behind him any longer. I know you don't trust me, you gave me a detailed explanation why you don't, and I accept that. But I just want you to know, I don't believe in Cerberus anymore."

"Good for you," Jo said without any sarcasm. She was genuinely glad to hear one of the hardcore operatives was finally seeing the light of day. Too bad it took the case of David Archer to change her mind.

"I know it would be a stretch to ask you to let me out, so I won't. But can I ask you for just one favour?" Miranda said and Jo saw how hard those words must have been for her.

"Depends on the favour."

"I have a sister. She knows nothing about me. When I left my father, he wanted to make her everything I was supposed to be, so I rescued her and put her with a good family. I check on her regularly, and I couldn't do that since I've been in this room. I swear to you on her life that I won't contact Cerberus. I just want to check if my sister is all right."

"What do you need?"

"Just extranet access for eight minutes."

Jo granted her that much, even if under her personal supervision, as she let her use Kelly's console. That was why she could personally see how pale Miranda had turned when she opened her contacts.

"It can't be. I made sure my father won't find her. But…"

"She okay?"

"No, really not. She's in danger. Shepard, I find myself in a very embarrassing position of asking for your help. I don't like it more than you do, but my sister is in danger and I need to make sure she's okay. Please."

Jo gave her a long look, as they stood shoulder to shoulder in the CIC. She found that she wasn't quite so angry with this woman anymore, and the wish to murder her in the most horrible way had long gone. Her problem with her had been that the cold-hearted bitch didn't care about anyone. Well, apparently that wasn't true. She cared about her sister strong enough to plead for Jo's help.

"Of course. Where do we need to go?"

"Illium."

They were soon on their way to Illium and Jo wanted to finally face Liara and give her the intel on the Shadow Broker, after they secured Miranda's sister. She stood behind Joker's seat as he navigated the course, when the com line opened.

"Commander, there is Admiral Hackett on the line for you," he said.

Jo nodded and folded her arms on her chest. Hackett would never leave her alone, he'd always need her for one thing or another.

"I'll take it right here, thank you. Hackett," she said to the screen.

"Shepard, I don't know if you're aware of it, but the extranet is buzzing with a new sensation. On every data server there are pictures of Commander Shepard's derriere to find. Care to explain?"

"That would make your day, wouldn't it? Having me explain myself to you? I was not aware it's such a sensation already, but I fully expected something like that." She spoke calmly and watched pictures flicker on Joker's screen. Pictures of her leaning on the bar in Dark Star, showing the whole world her butt. "Those are good pictures, a very good angle."

"Were you not aware that half the bar was filming you with their omnitools?"

"My awareness isn't in question here. I simply did not care."

"You're putting a bad light on Alliance officers, do I really need to tell you that?"

"Do I really need to remind you that I'm not Alliance, Hackett? As a Spectre and freelance saviour of the galaxy I don't play by Alliance rules. And do not try to tell me that your recruitment figures did not just go up by a quarter."

"Thirteen percent," he grunted, obviously very unhappy to admit that.

"See, ten minutes in a bar for me – and over average recruitment standard for you. You're welcome."

"Watch yourself, Shepard. This is how you're damaging your own integrity and credibility." The line went dead. Joker was sitting stiff and pale in his chair in front of her, pictures and vids of her ten minutes in the bar still running over his screen. She said nothing. He was the one to break the silence:

"Would you let them take naked pictures of you if it helped the cause?"

"No," she said definitely. "This looks unintentional," she continued and added to herself that it was anything but unintentional. "Nude pictures would mean I'm trying too hard. This is like people sneaked a peek at something they were not supposed to see. That half-promise is what raises recruitment figures, not a featured appearance in Fornax."

"So you don't mind half the male soldiers in the military now jerking off over a picture of you?"

"I mind," she said. "I mind more than you know. But that," she pointed at the screen. "That was for only one man's benefit." And she left him in the cockpit at that statement.

* * *

Since that day Joker found himself scrutinising her more often than not. Her little stunt in the bar that ended up all over the extranet touched something inside him. Dear lord, he really didn't want to look at that something, and especially name it. Instead he tried his best to occupy himself with work.

They went to Illium, Shepard bought new fish, rescued Miranda's sister and gave Liara the intel. That story quickly got out of hand. Attuned to her every mood, he could feel her sudden tension when she met another Spectre, an asari named Tela Vasir.

"What's up, Commander?" He asked her quietly, while she walked around Liara's apartment.

"My skin is crawling from that Spectre," she whispered, her words meant for him only. "Everything is too convenient, I feel like she's lying, and like I'm being set up."

She turned out to be right about that. Frankly, it was a singular thing: meeting another Spectre. After Nihlus Joker couldn't say that he'd ever met or seen another one. And this asari was clearly not a very good Spectre at all. But she died for it, and a few hours later he was settling the Normandy into the orbit of a very stormy planet. He mostly heard wind and lightning on the com line for a long time, then he and the rest of the crew got an eye full. The Shadow Broker was one huge, nasty creature. Krogans looked like puppies next to that thing!

Of course, Shepard being Shepard, she decided that the only way to deal with that monster was to go hand-to-hand with him And, Shepard being Shepard, she won.

* * *

Afterwards Liara offered to let Jo have a look at some consoles on the station and Jo let her crew wander freely as she busied herself with the intel. Thane came up to her from behind.

"You had us worried there, Siha. The Shadow Broker was a formidable opponent. Joker was so nervous, he disconnected right after you won and went down to the gym. He's still there, pushing weights. I suppose it's a human way to work out stress?"

"Yes, it is. Are you saying he's not listening to me right now?"

"Yes."

"That's a first," she grinned to herself.

The intel on the consoles gave her an idea. Nobody in the galaxy was better at making money than the Shadow Broker, and Jo needed to do something outside the box to secure her own funds for the future. Just in case she survived the suicide mission. She needed her own income that did not depend on her hacking safes or stealing from corpses. There were many files on projects the Shadow Broker was funding, and Jo had several thousands of credits to spare. She picked the one branch that would always be a profitable business – fuel production – and set up the filework for her investment in two small companies. She'd never thought of this before, too busy being a noble soldier, too sheltered from the reality by Alliance finances and then by Spectre funding. But it was time for Commander Shepard to become a businesswoman. If this didn't pan out – no big deal, the money was partly stolen anyway. If it did, she'd have something to come back to.

Back on the ship Liara had the audacity to present Jo with a gift. Her old dog tags. Jo could honestly say she got spooked when she held the frame in her hands. How much more morbid could this asari get? Was this the once cute and sweet girl with a crush on her, the girl Jo had called a friend? This morbid, cruel creature that not only grabbed her dead body and gave it to Cerberus for resurrection, but now also had the insipidity to give her this symbol of a life lost, symbol of everything that tortured Jo every day and night, taken off her corpse? Jo looked up at Liara and wondered what she would find inside her skull if she opened it with her hunting knife right now. Dark matter? Chicken shit? Last stage of brain cancer? Nothing at all? Seriously, how could anyone be so tactless and tasteless? Especially someone who claimed to care for you?

Two and a half years ago Liara had claimed to be socially awkward due to her loneliness on dig sites. Right now Jo was starting to suspect that the social awkwardness had to be a medical condition, or else Jo had no explanation for Liara's behaviour. If it were anyone else, Jo would have slugged the person for such a gift and tossed them out of the airlock. Still, Liara could be useful as a new Shadow Broker, so Jo simply decided to stay away from her at all times. Frankly, not even Miranda's presence gave her the same creeps.

Jo wrapped up that conversation immediately after, and once Liara was off the ship, she went to Zaeed's room and tossed the 'gift' into the garbage disposal shaft. She'd done the same to the crew's Cerberus uniforms a few months back, and now her former dog tags were right where they belonged. They were gone.

It was no wonder that Jo had one of her nightmares that night. She had them often, though never quite as terrible as the one after she'd gotten drunk. Still, if she did manage to get some sleep these days, she always ran a risk of waking up in terror, soaked in sweat, thrashing around and screaming. Liara and her fucked up gift infallibly caused another nightmare. As Jo lay there, her throat raw, her arms and legs shaking, she wondered what she'd ever done to be purposefully tortured by one of her former friends. Who needed enemies with a friend like that anyway?

Next day Tali asked Jo to help her out with a little problem,

"They accused you of WHAT?! That's so beyond ridiculous, I have no words!" Jo couldn't contain a shout, which echoed across the whole engineering deck. Tali almost sobbed:

"I know. And Jo, it means a lot to me that you reacted this way."

"They're stupid idiots if they can even imagine such an outrage. I'll have words with them," Jo squared her shoulders. Nobody messed with her family. Nobody. "I'll have serious words with those Admirals. You've dedicated your whole life to the Migrant Fleet, and they _dare_ to accuse you of treason! Be glad if I don't kill anyone, Tali, I swear."

She had Joker set course right away. Except the Migrant Fleet was currently stationed in one of the farthest systems of the galaxy and the journey promised to be long.

She surprised everyone, and herself as well, when she decided to let Miranda out of her room.

Then again, it was time to let her monsters out of the closet and face them. She was not as fragile as she'd been right after her resurrection, she could keep it together now and she needed to deal with her feelings for Miranda. The missions on her list were almost done and the visit to the Omega 4 relay was in the near future. She couldn't have her own ship divided in friendly zone and enemy zone when she embarked on the suicide mission. She didn't expect for this transition to go smoothly, of course not. But it had to be done. The guards were still keeping an eye on her and EDI was to report any suspicious activity, but Jo let the woman walk around the ship freely.

It would be a stretch to say that her decision was met with enthusiasm. In fact, all conversations stopped and people kept staring at Miranda wherever she went on the ship. Since she had no more access codes to anything and nothing useful to do, Miranda often preferred to stay in her former prison cell anyway.

* * *

Joker was staying late in the cockpit, telling himself he had work to do, but he really didn't. Hadley was already used to his spending half the night working and left him alone. Joker didn't feel like eating meals with everybody else either, or talking to people on the vid night that Shepard had arranged as they were half way to the quarians. This time she actually let them watch a vid, not a mission log about the cruelty of Cerberus. He had no wish to listen to giggly girls whisper loudly in the dorms before falling asleep, and certainly no wish to work out in the gym alongside Jacob, who simply couldn't keep his shirt on. Something was eating at him from inside and he stubbornly refused to think about what it was. He knew only that he was angry at Jo when she came to see him, and he was angry at her when she didn't. And since when did he start calling her Jo in his head?

Ever since Miranda was released, the atmosphere on the ship tensed. She was a proud woman, but after the outrageous dressing down she'd received from Shepard on the first day (the word skank had fallen, if he recalled correctly) Miranda was fair game to everyone. Without authority to put up like a shield around her she was open to the hostility the crew had built up against Cerberus. Joker guessed that these people were thoroughly conditioned by Shepard and her 'vid nights' to hate everything Cerberus. Even Joker, despite being busy with other things in his head, had taken pleasure in having Miranda removed from the co-pilot's seat, when she came over and started asking questions about the missions. He had her escorted right off the deck, and the guards were smug about it. The only reason the tension didn't escalate into open hostility was everybody's respect and love for their goddess divine, the little blond badass.

Joker realised soon enough that his mind was betraying him. More often than not now he called her Jo in his head, or even 'his' Jo. She was constantly on his mind. All the others were just women, just people, but she was… she. The special 'she'. And that irritated him. She'd crawled under his skin and made herself comfortable there. He tried to avoid looking at her when she came to the cockpit to sit next to him, but it didn't help. He could _feel_ her presence.

She noticed that he was hardly eating because he avoided dinner time. If nothing else, she was a good Commander. So, instead of ordering him to get down to the mess, one night she brought food and the medicine he'd neglected taking up to the cockpit.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry," he all but snarled at her. He didn't need a mom to look after him. He was a grown man.

"You're getting skinny," she said, ignoring his snippiness. "Take off your hat."

"That an order, Commander?"

"Please. Take it off and let me look at you."

Grudgingly he took the hat off and turned the chair to look her in the eye. She measured his appearance carefully.

"You look worse than I do," was her verdict. "Thin. Haggard. Are you sleeping enough? I thought I was the one with the insomnia on the ship."

He almost snapped at her, asking why she cared, but bit his tongue. She had told him exactly how much she cared and why.

"It's my own business," he said instead.

"Not if you want to remain the pilot I trust with my life."

They looked at each other firmly, as he was considering the implications. She needed him at his best when he was flying. After all that had happened he couldn't risk getting her killed again just because he was moping and refusing to eat and sleep properly. If last time had been just a stupid stubbornness on his part, this time would be an actual murder.

"I'm sorry," he said and put the hat back on. "I'll correct that situation."

He turned the chair away from her again, but took the plate with food. She waited with him until he finished without saying a word and took the plate down again. Was she going to be his personal caterer now?

Would she do the same if it was someone else, not him?

She probably would, he thought. She cared about her people. Really cared.

Next day, as he forgot the time and missed lunch again, she came and silently gave him another plate. On the third evening he did it on purpose. This time she bore an additional gift: chocolate ice cream with almonds and a cocktail cherry on top. His favourite. How she knew about the cocktail cherry he had no idea.

* * *

He grumbled, but accepted. Somehow Jo suspected that he was intentionally skipping meals to make her bring him food personally. Well, all the better for her case, then.

"So," he said after finishing his sandwich and digging into the ice cream. "I heard you had the Council PR people purge all those pictures and videos of you in the bar?"

"Yeah, enough is enough," she shrugged from the co-pilot's seat.

"So you don't want anyone to get boners over you anymore?"

She slowly turned and gave him a full glance:

"There is only one guy I want to get boners over me. The rest of the galaxy is of no consequence."

He choked a little and coughed, examining her from under the brim of his hat.

"So that is why you went showing off your ass in a bar full of horny marines?"

Jo almost smiled. His words sounded more possessive and jealous than he probably realised, even though they'd discussed her ass in great detail a few times before in friendly banter.

"You have to know that I only wanted to get your attention."

"Interesting way of doing that."

"Jeff, I don't know if you realise, but I'm your woman. I don't need your requital to be faithful to you. There is no 'technically single' when you're in love. I don't want anyone else, don't need anyone else, and wouldn't touch or even think of anyone else. I'm not just saying that to cajole you into anything. It's just the way it is. I'm a woman in love and you're the only one for me, no matter your reply. Love means nothing without you. Life means nothing."

* * *

There was a monster inside him, Joker realised for a millionth time. But for the first time _ever_ he allowed that monster to raise its head, he looked at it and named it.

He was jealous. He was possessive. And yes, he was in love.

All those months on SR1, when they would poke each other with dirty jokes, trying to find boundaries and finding none, all those times his heart soared when she needed him to save her and he swooped in like a knight on a shiny metal steed to save her day, nebulas he stopped the ship at just because it was her favourite sight in open space…

The day he regretted most in his life, when he knew he would do anything to save her, he was prepared to die for her without regrets, but ended up watching her give her life for him, that day broke his heart, soul, spirit, everything. He cared for his crew and he was in love with his ship, but Jo…

This one woman changed his world, turned it right side up and turned on the lights. She crept under his skin with her silent presence, with her acceptance of who he was, brittle bones and all. Hearing her voice during the mission was like a lifeline, like she was tied to him through their coms and nothing could happen to her down there as long as he was watching over her, all those small and big things meant the world to him.

He had been lying to himself for years. He'd tried to convince himself he admired her as a person, a hero, while in truth he was in love with the woman she was. He cared nothing about hero worship that was going on around her. When he looked at her, he saw what nobody else could or was allowed to see. He saw her comparing the Destiny Ascension to a giant flying vagina. He saw her wolf down food without even knowing what was in it. Recite a whole book about FTL drive while doing push-ups on a bet. Her masterpiece of poker face while playing against Ken or Kasumi.

He loved every little secret she revealed to him about herself, and every one that she hadn't revealed yet. Loved her wicked sense of humour. Her uncanny nerves of steel and freakishly good memory. He could keep naming things he loved about her for hours. He loved every little and big thing, even when she was yelling at him. That made him even hotter and harder for her.

She was braver than him, for sure. She wasted no time telling him about her feelings. But their being together would cause unimaginable trouble and bear consequences he couldn't fathom.

He had to think about it. And he was _**not**_ in the position to think with his dick. God knew his dick wanted to be up her ass for any price he'd have to pay. But there was more to such a relationship than sex. She was his CO, and the weight of the world rested on her shoulders. If he succumbed to her, he would share it with her. He would have to let her go into her death on many more occasions until one day she finally would not return. Forever this time. He remembered the days without her and knew that if he let himself fall for her, he would not survive one more loss of her. He would blow his brains out. Perhaps it was better to stay away as long as he still had the option?

Except it was too late already. He'd fallen for her, hard, crushingly hard. Just like she said: she felt like she was his woman and his denial couldn't change that. Well, he was in love with her, whether he admitted it or not.

He would have to let her go on suicide missions all the time and he would die inside each time, no matter if they'd been a couple or not.

So what was he to do?

The worst part was that he was already too distracted to do his job well. He'd lose himself in his thoughts and forget his surroundings. They were not even together and he was already suffering through the worst consequences without getting anything good out of the situation for himself. And tonight he was looking at another sleepless night of futile tries to figure out what to do, only followed by nightmares about his worst fears. He knew this couldn't go on for much longer. Something somewhere would have to give.


	29. Tougher than you think Or am I?

„I can't believe this is happening!"

They'd been to the Migrant Fleet to solve Tali's problem and Shepard laid it on very heavily, protecting her little-sister-in-spirit, so that when they left, Tali was cleared of all charges and really touched. Now Joker had two people hovering behind him as he watched the security vid on his console.

"This can **not** be happening. Is this even legal?"

They'd also been to the derelict Reaper and gotten the IFF. More so, they got themselves a live geth. And now, as Shepard and Legion sat together in the mess hall (hurriedly vacated by everyone else for no real reason) Tali stood in the cockpit, where she rarely appeared before, and repeatedly punched Garrus' shoulder, demanding an answer.

"I have no idea, Tali," the turian said. He sounded strained. Everyone knew Tali disapproved of Shepard's decision to bring and reactivate and even set free a real, live geth unit. Garrus got caught between the two women he cared about most. Neither was inclined to make it easy for him. Shepard was spending hours talking to Legion and Tali abandoned her station in Engineering and was having a nervous breakdown every hour or so.

"Is that normal, Joker?"

"Why are you asking me of all people?"

"Because you're the expert on Jo. You know her better than anyone."

"Says who?"

"Says time and experience. If anyone knows what's going on in her head, it's you."

He tried to take that as a compliment, but couldn't help but wonder if the whole ship already knew Shepard was in love with him and assumed they were a couple.

"I've got two words for you," he said. "Three words. New. Alien. Pet."

"What does that mean?"

Garrus sighed:

"It means that Shepard is eager to learn as much as she can about all species. And by all I mean _all_."

"But that's not a species, that's a **geth**!"

"Did you seriously just go there?" Joker snorted. "Would you like to tell that to either of them?"

"It's dangerous!" Tali was close to another breakdown. "It's going to kill us all!"

"All quarians are scavengers and thieves," Joker declared and both aliens fixed him with shocked glances. His reputation as an asshole just gained twenty points.

"Explain yourself," Garrus grunted protectively.

"I don't have to," Joker shrugged. "_Everyone_ knows that all quarians are thieves, scavengers and parasites. That didn't stop Shepard from accepting you, did it, Tali? Did she ever make you feel like you were a second class citizen on her ship? I don't think so. Did she ever treat you with anything but respect and affection? No. She calls you family, she just went to your home and yelled at the entire Admiralty Board for you. But hey, everybody in the galaxy knows that quarians are thieves and scavengers. So tell me, has Shepard made a mistake taking you in and getting to love you like her own sister? What have you stolen from her? How have you threatened her? How have you betrayed her?"

Tali didn't know what to say for a long, very long time. Garrus looked like he hoped against hope not to be stuck in this fighting triangle anymore. Tali just wrung her hands. It took several minutes until she finally dropped her head and sighed:

"I see. I understand what you're trying to say, Joker. I just can't help it. I guess being cautious about geth is in my blood."

"Hating geth, you mean to say?"

"I don't hate them."

"Kinda sounds like you do. You hate all geth on principle. Now, I have no idea what's going on in Shepard's head, but I know that she wouldn't give Legion a chance if she didn't feel like it deserves it. So for my part I just play a good soldier, do as I'm told and let her take all the responsibility. Allows me sleep at night."

"Yeah, but…"

"Imagine what you can learn from this geth unit, Tali," Garrus spoke up with a new hope of resolving the situation. "You have a unique opportunity here to gain understanding about them from a friendly unit with an intact memory core that can answer your questions instead of trying to kill you. There has to be something to gain here, don't you think?"

"I guess…"

"Talk to Jo," Joker said experimentally. He wondered if these two would notice that he'd never called Shepard by her nickname before. They'd done it for years now, but not him. But neither of them paid attention, so he continued: "She's pumping Legion for information right now, she can tell you exactly why she's doing it, she can explain better than we can. And besides, if you have a problem with her decisions, you should take your concern to her directly. Do you think she won't listen to you? Girl, she would do _anything_ for you. Except maybe deactivating that geth, but you know what I mean."

Geez, playing people was so damn exhausting! Tali agreed to talk to Shepard and Garrus gave Joker a secret look of gratitude before they both left, but Joker felt drained of all energy. Dealing with people was not his pair of shoes, it drove him nuts. Jo was so much better at it, she could navigate those minefields in her sleep. And she was the only one whose company he could enjoy for hours, days, years, and he never got tired. Because he was in love with her.

Yeah, that thought still scared him. The whole last week or so he would sometimes catch a glimpse of her and his heart would skip a beat. He wondered if he looked just like Alenko had looked all those years ago: smitten. Probably. He really was smitten, had been for a long time, but only allowed himself to acknowledge that recently.

She still brought him food sometimes, when he accidentally on purpose forgot the end of his shift. She would bring him stuff that wasn't coming from Gardner's kitchen, too. He had a feeling she had her own stash of luxuries somewhere in her cabin. Chocolate ice cream, or just chocolate, or a cup of coffee that smelled and tasted so good he almost had an orgasm drinking it. Nothing like what the crew made do with in the kitchen. She wasn't sharing intel about where she had those things from and he wasn't asking. It was their little secret.

After talking to Legion for a while she came up to the cockpit and surprised Joker by asking him to set course for Alchera. He knew there were no other big missions left on her plan, other than helping Legion with something, and Alchera was a request she ignored for as long as she could.

"Yes, Commander," he said, hoping that she was prepared for visiting the place of her death. But who could ever be prepared for that? Suddenly he felt her hand on his shoulder. She hadn't touched him for a long time, but she needed, really needed him right now. He felt it in the way her fingers dug into his muscle, almost causing pain, but not too much. She was scared. And he was the only one on the ship or in the galaxy she would ever show her fear to.

Before he thought about what he was doing, he reached out and gently wrapped his hand around her wrist. He understood her anguish more than she'd ever know.

They went to the planet together. She asked him to fly her and the haunted look in her eyes killed all resistance he had. He observed her from the shuttle as she wandered around, her breathing heavy in his earpiece. She was silent. Too silent. He didn't feel like speaking, either, as he looked at the ribs of his baby, bare and broken, piercing the stormy sky. This was her, his first Normandy. A lifetime in shambles. And the sight of Shepard walking on the dust of that lifetime was sure to give him more nightmares in the time to come. He watched her look up at the remains of the hull, listen to the fierce wind tearing at the pieces, and he saw her sway.

"Shep, you okay?"

"No, Jeff, I'm not," she said, but at least she didn't collapse.

"Come on, you've got the tags, let's leave this place. Please."

"Yeah, no argument here."

She headed for the shuttle, but decided to bring a souvenir. A huge piece of metal, a part of a bulkhead in the cargo bay section. Joker went to the shuttle's main section and watched her carry in a piece of metal that surely would need three mechs or one Grunt to lift otherwise. Thanks to Cerberus she had superhuman strength now.

"What's that?"

"A piece of the original Normandy. I want it to become a part of the new one."

They looked at the charred, icy piece for a few moments before she collapsed against the wall and slid down to sit in the corner. He didn't know what to say or do. She was overwhelmed, but so was he. He could hear the shouts again, the fire, the screeching metal, the explosions, her voice, urging him to save himself. He could see it all, the physical evidence of the disaster right there in front of them, the place where it actually happened.

He collapsed on the floor right next to Shepard. Just like back then – just the two of them.

"Look, Shep, it's you and me and our baby. Again." His voice cracked on the last word.

"Did these two and a half years really happen? Or are we still there, in the cockpit, amidst explosions?" She turned her head to him. Her voice sounded tortured.

"It's fucked up, but you and I will always be in that cockpit, always amidst those explosions."

"Can't we ever leave?" She almost begged him, as if there was anything _he_ could do! "I want to leave. Leave it all behind. Forget the cockpit, the explosions, the… Just you and me, that's all I want. Without doom."

He knew what she meant. But even after so many months he was still trapped in that burning, broken ship, still trying to save something that couldn't be saved.

He took her gloved hand and leaned against her shoulder:

"A shrink told me that forgiveness is the key to moving on, Shepard. But I can't forgive myself for getting you killed. I can't forgive you for not letting me die for you, or for dying for me. I can't forgive the Collectors for what they did. Or the Alliance for sending us here again. And I can't forgive the galaxy for belittling you, sweeping you and your ideas under the rug, for being ignorant imbeciles."

"There was no other choice. I had to save you."

"Why? You have no idea what you made me go through by saving me! I wouldn't wish it on the Illusive Asshole. Why did you save me?"

"Not for any romantic reasons, if that's what you're asking. You're my team, my crew, a part of my body and soul, just like everyone on that ship was. Leaving you behind was, is and will always be inconceivable. We gave each other our loyalty freely, and that's what we do. Stay loyal, no matter what comes our way. I'd do it again any day."

His chest was hurting on their way back. She was right: the crew's loyalty to one another had been forged in battles, soaked in booze, sweat, blood and tears, polished by their accomplishments. He had been a part of something then, and just like dying for her was a no-brainer for him, maybe dying for him was just as natural for her? He realised that he could understand her now. The question had tortured him all these years, but he could see now. Maybe he could find a little bit of forgiveness for her in his heart, after all.

The mission to the heretic geth was as uneventful as all Shepard's missions. The team went in, blew up the station and returned. He for once was glad that she hadn't chosen to rewrite those geth. Bad code was always bad code. Why invite trouble into the hive, weakening the rest of the geth to the possibility of falling back into worshiping the Reapers? The galaxy still had no idea how indoctrination worked. Even if rewritten, those geth could be damaged goods. He approved of Shepard's choice and even poked her about finishing the job by taking out Legion, which earned him about half a smile. After Alchera he could work with half a smile. It was better than the desolation in her eyes.

He and EDI began installing the IFF into their systems and Miranda suggested Jo take the shuttle to their next mission, another small request from Cerberus. Shepard agreed, but only after telling Miranda off for trying to order people around without authority. They'd never done this before, though: leave the ship in a shuttle. He really hoped she would be back soon.

* * *

As the shuttle left the bay and set course for the solar system glistening far ahead, Jo sat down on a bench next to Garrus and leaned her head back against the wall. Being on the way to the next mission, waiting for landing – so familiar, almost painful. But Jo couldn't shake off a really weird feeling. Like the feeling you get when you realise you've taken the wrong turn.

Calm down, she said to herself. You're Shepard. You're a damn hero, a ship's captain, you can handle your nerves better than this.

Except her feelings for Joker made her a wreck. There was no hope that her hands were still as steady on the trigger as they used to. At this rate he could kill her without even meaning to.

The journey was taking hours, and the restless feeling in Jo grew stronger with every minute. She'd left the ship for long periods of time before, but never had she left her behind at such a great distance, with all fighters gone. Instead they were now all crammed into a tiny shuttle that offered no protection.

This wasn't right. She shouldn't have listened to Miranda. Should never have gone on this mission. Never should have left her ship.

When the shuttle finally entered the new system, Jo couldn't handle it anymore. There was only one thing she could think of that would calm her down. She touched her omni-tool and connected her earpiece to the tiny chip she'd planted on Joker's earpiece. She wanted to hear his voice. Hearing Joker talk tech was the best way to put her at ease, no matter how tough the situation was. The first thing she heard, however, was a deafening scream. Jo intimately knew that kind of scream. People sounded like that when being devoured by some beast while still alive. She jumped out of her seat.

Everyone around her turned to look at her in puzzlement.

"Shit!" That was Joker's voice. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

Jo heard unusual noises interfering with his voice. Scratching of claws against metal, shots fired, animal roars mixed with desperate human screams. Jo felt her heart drop to the floor. The Normandy was under attack.

She pushed a few buttons on her omnitool and the sound in her earpiece switched to the speakers in the shuttle. Now everyone could hear the guns, the screams, Joker's curses, as he seemed to be moving somewhere and bumping his knees and elbows in the process.

"What is this?" Miranda asked.

"That's coming from Joker's earpiece," Jo said. "Turn the shuttle!" She ordered Tali. "Fly back to the Normandy, as fast as you can!"

"Is the ship under attack?" Samara asked.

"Yes, from what it sounds like, they're being butchered."

"By whom?"

"The hell should I know?" Jo snapped back. "I just turned on the channel and heard them scream."

"Multiple hostiles detected on the crew deck," EDI said somewhere behind the noise. Then Hawthorne:

"Joker! This deck is crawling with those things! Stay close, I'll protect you!"

More guns, more brain-damaging screams, male and female ones. Jo almost ripped the pilot's seat out of its holdings along with Tali sitting in it.

"Fly faster," she ordered the poor quarian.

"I am!" Tali protested, pushing buttons frantically.

"Not fast enough! Fly faster!"

"What are they doing?" Garrus looked puzzled, when Joker and EDI started talking tech.

"Joker is giving EDI control over the ship," Tali concluded. "Whoever the attackers are, they probably deactivated the defensive systems."

"You still have time to chat?!" Jo barked at the pilot. "Your job's to fly, so fly."

"Shepard, why don't you get over here and sit down?" Garrus said carefully. "There is nothing you can do right now, and threatening Tali won't make us fly any faster."

"I can't."

"You have to."

Jo turned around and gave the turian a look. He stared right back at her, as the rest of the team did. Jo pushed herself away from Tali's seat rather violently and rejoined Garrus on the bench. For a while there was nothing to hear except ventilation and Joker's muttered curses. Jo gnashed her teeth.

"I understand your anger. You've watched one Normandy being blown to smithereens. You don't want to live through the same horror again." Garrus leaned in a little closer to her and spoke softly.

"Trust me, Garrus, the fucking ship is the least of my worries."

"Look, we won't make it in time to save everyone, but…"

"We're already too late. This transmission is delayed by almost forty minutes. This has already happened, whatever happened."

"Why do you have such a weak connection to Joker?"

"Because this isn't the official channel we operate on. The official one is blocked, probably by some virus from the attackers. This is my private, hacked way into his earpiece. It's only really good at short range, I'm surprised I'm getting anything at all. No one knows about it but me."

"And Joker?"

"No."

"Why do you have such a thing? Do you keep track of all of us?"

"Not at all."

More screams and gunshots tore the air between them. Jo couldn't stop wondering which shot would be the one to kill her man. She placed her palms on her head and shook it. No, no, do not think that. Not that. Don't.

"You're in serious agony here, Jo," Garrus noted even quieter than before. "Is this the reason why you ignore a million other men? Joker?"

Jo remained silent.

"Does he know?"

"Yeah, he knows. Just doesn't feel the same way about me."

Garrus tilted his head and regarded her carefully.

"Don't be a retard, of course he does."

"Since when are you the expert?"

"I may not be an expert on human courtship rules, but I know what it means when a man drools at the sight of a woman in a pretty dress."

"I know that. Everyone thinks I'm hot in that dress, even the doctor."

"Then why does he keep interrupting your private affairs whenever it starts looking like you're about to have fun? Why do his ears turn red when he sees you walk into the CIC in the morning? Why does his voice sound so panicked when he thinks you're in danger? Why does he keep your profile on his computer in a code-secured folder called "Maintenance reports"? Why did he join Cerberus in the first place? Why…"

"Stop it, Garrus. Just fucking stop it. He might already be dead. I know all this, I'm not an insecure little girl. I know. He just doesn't want to admit it. And I'm not threatening him with my grenade launcher to get him to confess."

"Jo, it's funny you say that, because this is exactly what you do to the rest of the world."

"Wrex said the exact same thing. Well, Jeff isn't the rest of the world. He is one of a kind."

"…all hostiles will be killed." EDI sounded confident in the speakers.

"What? What about the crew?" Joker, on the other hand, didn't sound confident at all.

"They are gone, Jeff. The Collectors took them."

"The Collectors!" Jo banged her fist against the wall. "I should have known better!"

"I am sealing the engine room. I have control."

There were engine roars and a blast of energy, then everything went quiet. The next few minutes everything was perfectly still. Jo was almost in tears. She tried to imagine if she could hear his breathing, but the sounds were just too vague. Everyone was now looking at her with concern. Jo knew why. They had never seen her so emotional. And she hadn't been so emotional since before she joined the military. She had always had a firm grip on herself, and the occasional displays of anger and evilness were always well calculated.

"Purge is complete. No other life forms on board. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors."

Never before was Jo so happy to hear EDI talk. No other life forms meant that there was _one_ life form on board.

Joker groaned in the mic. Jo almost cried out loudly with relief and happiness.

"He's all right, Jo, he's all right," Garrus said and patted her on her back. "And he's a fool if he seriously rejects you."

It took them over two hours to join the Normandy at the coordinates in EDI's message, and Jo aged about forty years in that time.

"You've lost every crew member and damn near lost the ship, too?" Miranda was pacing up and down the debriefing room, where Joker sat on the table and where Jo just hurried in.

"I know, all right? I was there!"

"Miranda, fuck off," Jo said and brushed the cheerleader aside on her way to Joker. Before he could protest, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He went quite stiff, when his forehead was suddenly pressed against her heart, but after a few moments his arms found her waist and returned the hug even tighter. This was all she ever wanted. This was all that meant the difference between life and death for her. This man, alive and safe.

"Are you all right?" She asked him when the hug finally loosened and she put her hands gently on the back of his neck, searching his face.

"There's a lot of empty chairs in here," he said, averting his eyes. Jo felt his hands linger on her waist, burning hot through the fabric. Oh, the touch of those hands…

"We did everything we could, Jeff," EDI spoke up.

"Yeah, thanks, mom." He sounded exhausted and removed his hands from her. Jo almost cried out in despair.

"EDI, thank you," she said to the ceiling. "I never thought I'll be saying this, but thank you for saving him."

"You can count on me, Commander."

"Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again."

"EDI and I purged the systems. The Reaper IFF is online. We can go through the Omega 4 relay whenever you want."

"Don't even get me started about unshackling the damned AI," Miranda again. Why couldn't she stay blissfully quiet?

"Will you just fuck off, Miranda? Seriously? Go to your room, file your nails or pluck your eyebrows, of whatever it is you're doing. Just _shut up_."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming. Even if I were not, you are my crewmates."

Jo took a deep breath, made an effort to calm her shaking body and finally gave orders for people to man the stations and get them to the Omega 4 relay ASAP. It was time to get this done and go home.

Joker and the others saluted and left. Everyone was shaken, but it was easier for them to deal with the loss of the crew when they had orders, something to focus on. Jo had no orders. She solved the problem by giving herself an order.

Keep it together, woman. Clear your head, gather intel, strategise and execute.

If only it were that easy. Since becoming the first human Spectre she'd spent a lot of time getting the drill sergeant out of her head, making herself more civilian, casual. Now it came back biting her in the ass. Jo leaned onto the table and took a few deep breaths. Not only did Joker drive her hot and cold, he drove her completely insane, and for all intents and purposes unable to complete any missions. How was she supposed to go through the Omega 4 relay with no way back, find her crew and defeat an unknown threat to all organic life, when her hands were trembling at the sight of him and her guts did a somersault whenever she heard his voice, when she began seeing white spots of rage at just hearing him speak so familiarly with the AI?

Jo stood straight and slapped herself on both cheeks. Sharp pain helped her clear her mind a little bit. She needed to be out there, preparing for what seemed to be her last mission. Up until right now she'd given no thought at all to the fact that she and her whole crew may not come back.

The ship was eerily empty, and people were tense. She was surprised to find the Main Battery empty, though. Why was her calibrator not calibrating? She found him, Thane, Zaeed and Grunt in the cargo bay, manhandling the large piece of metal she'd brought from Alchera. A piece of the original Normandy.

"What are you doing with it?" She asked. Garrus nodded her to go back to the elevator.

"We'll show you in the morning," he said.

As she stood there, she knew she had to go talk to Joker eventually. She just didn't know how to.

"Commander," he turned his seat when she approached. By now he seemed to know when someone was behind him, even without a mirror. "I'm sorry about the crew and…" His voice suddenly changed a little, grew a bit pitchy: "You know what? No, I am not sorry! What the hell are you doing leaving us out here where Collectors can work us over?!" He even banged a fist against an armrest. "Because you know what, I should… I should just go. Next port, just get the hell out of here."

"You don't mean that, Jeff." EDI again.

"I… no, but it… it felt good. I'm sorry, Commander. Okay, I'm ready, I'm good. Ready to save the day."

Jo never had a harder time saying any other words in her life, when she wrapped her arms around herself and looked to the side:

"Maybe it's better if you do leave. Next port, just out of here, Jeff."

"What." He almost swallowed his tongue. "Commander, I didn't mean that!"

"I know you didn't. I know it's all my own fault, leaving the ship, going away. I'm responsible for every one of those who were taken, and I'll do everything in my power to get them all back. But you, Jeff, you're a different story. On my way back to the ship I went through all kinds of hell worrying about you, praying to gods I never knew for your life, and now that I'm here and you're okay, my hands are still shaking with relief. How can I get the job done if I worry so much about your safety? So even if you didn't mean it, I do. Maybe it's better for you to get off the ship and say your goodbyes to everyone on it."

"Shepard, no, please, don't do this." He pushed himself out of the seat and stood in front of her, one shoulder hanging a little lower than the other. She adored that. But this wasn't the time. "Please, _Johanna_? Don't make me leave. I didn't mean it, and… I hope you didn't either."

He was not above using the most unfair weapon he had against her – saying her first name like that.

"I'm not giving you any such orders, it's entirely up to you, but I want you to think about it." Jo wrapped her arms even tighter around herself. She was again on the verge of doing something stupid. Kissing him, or maybe killing him, or maybe running away, or perhaps even crying. Her resolve was waning and her body already leaned towards him. She put a gentle hand on his chest:

"I'm so sorry for leaving you and the ship, you can't imagine. So sorry for letting you live through this nightmare on your own. I'm sorry."

She turned away abruptly and walked out of the cockpit, but still she could hear him say quietly after her:

"I am tougher than you think."


	30. Never have I loved life more

E lucevan le stelle  
ed olezzava la terra  
stridea l'uscio dell'orto  
e un passo sfiorava la rena  
Entrava ella fragrante,  
mi cadea fra le braccia.

O dolci baci, o languide carezze,  
mentr'io fremente le belle forme disciogliea dai veli  
Svanì per sempre il sogno mio d'amore  
L'ora è fuggita, e muoio disperato  
E muoio disperato  
E non ho amato mai tanto la vita  
tanto la vita!

(Tosca)

Jo sat for a long time on the couch in her room and watched the fish. Her first batch had died. The crew was gone. Her private life was in ruins. Her resolve was about to bite it, too.

But new fish were now swimming in her tank, her fighter team was still on board, and even if she had no resolve, she had no right to admit it to them. Tonight was the night for her to swallow her pain, insecurity, weakness and doubt, it was time to be the tower of strength she'd been trained to be. It was time to be Shepard. To live up to the legend she'd spent so much energy building up.

She'd made a mistake leaving the ship unprotected. As she thought about it, she couldn't remember the last time she'd made such a colossal mistake, such a clear error of judgement. She had to own that mistake and correct it. And all she had were eleven and a half hours until they arrived at the Omega 4 relay. She could do it. Had no other choice.

"EDI, connect me for ship-wide transmission."

"Yes, Commander. You are connected."

"Good evening, ladies and gents. I'm not going to give you an inspirational speech. I picked and trained each one of you because you're the best of the best and you don't need my speeches. Tomorrow at oh eight twenty seven we arrive at the Omega 4 relay and we go through to get back what belongs to us and to annihilate what stands in our way. We will be victorious. Why? Because I said so. What other reason do you need? Ladies and gentlemen, stand strong, stand fast, stand together. Shepard out."

It was going to be a long night though. Who could sleep on a night like this? But she did need her strength before battle and a relaxing hot shower would possibly be the only kind of rest she could get tonight.

As the hot water streamed down her body, Jo let it wash away all the misery and pain. Her training and her unbending will created a pillar of iron resolve inside her, giving her the strength she needed to do her job tomorrow with steady hands and a cool head. But somewhere underneath all that stone and iron her heart was trembling like a wounded bird, crying out for a reason to live, for the companionship of another person, the most wonderful person in the world.

Jo brushed her dripping wet hair and let it hang loose down her shoulders, as she left the shower barefoot, wearing a grey tank top and a pair of soft training trousers. Suddenly she stopped in her tracks.

Joker was standing in her room, watching the fish in the tank.

"Shepard," he said, measuring her up and down with a frown. "I came to tell you that I thought about what you said earlier, and I'm really pissed at you."

Jo raised one eyebrow and silently proceeded down the stairs to the desk by the couch.

"I'm not leaving!" He raised his voice. "Do you hear me? I'm not leaving. Whether you like it or not, the Normandy is my ship as well, so you have no right to make me leave. Plus, we're not in the military, so you're not actually an outranking officer to me, you know? Besides, you have no one else here, or in the whole galaxy, who could fly you there as well as I can, nor would I ever allow any other pilot to do it, so you're stuck with me, and I think that this way our chances of survival are considerably higher than without me."

Jo listened to the speech facing away from him. There was a bitter smile on her lips. This energetic man, speaking his mind, demanding what he wanted or thought he deserved – she knew that side of Joker well, and he was incredibly hot when he was like that. Jo turned around, sat down on top of the desk and put both her bare feet on one armrest of her office chair in front of it.

"I knew you wouldn't leave. I never wanted you to. I just wanted _you_ to be sure of that."

He was ready to protest, but swallowed the rest of the speech when he heard what she said.

"So I'm staying," he said with much less agitation.

"So you are."

"You played me."

"It's what I do." Jo shrugged a little.

"Now I feel stupid. And awkward."

"Why? Surely not because you're alone with a woman in her bedroom at night and haven't even brought champagne?"

That drove a deep blush right up to his hairline.

"No… I mean, why would… I should just… Oh, hell."

"Relax, _Mr Moreau_. I'm only joking."

He stared at her half angrily, half amused, still not sure if he should leave or stay. Well, make up your mind already, Jo encouraged him in her own mind. In that awkward pause the music playing softly in the background changed. Something came on that she'd just put on the playlist this evening upon coming to her room. Something she hadn't listened to for a very, very long time. The piece was so unusual that it even got Joker's attention.

"What is it?" He asked her.

"It's from an opera, Tosca, it's called "E lucevan le stelle"."

"I know that. I mean, what is it to you?"

"To me?" Jo wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked the chair left and right with her toes. "Back on Earth, when I was, I don't know, fourteen or fifteen, me and a boy from my gang found a dead guy on the street. He took his shoes, I took his omnitool. It was damaged and most of the data was gone, but one song from the playlist was still there. This one. I'd spent months listening to it, wondering what the man is singing about. And the melody… It touched me so deep that I've kept the omnitool because of it. When I joined the military, I searched half the extranet to find out what it was. A piece from an ancient opera, Tosca, sung by Placido Domingo. I found out that it's some special recording, done live on locations mentioned in the opera. I listened to other versions, but none touched me as deeply as this one. I still listen to it now and then because it helps me to focus on what's really important before every difficult mission."

"And what's that?"

"How much I love living. It's the last line of the lyrics." Jo ran her fingers through her half-dry hair. "Wait, how do you know what it is? Are you hiding a secret passion for opera?"

Joker averted his eyes and coughed:

"No, not at all."

Jo frowned slightly, when something dawned on her.

"It was you, wasn't it? The only reason I still have this music piece is because I used to keep it uploaded on an extranet hosting account. And it was good for about a year after my death. Yet when I came back, the account still existed and was paid for four more years in advance. You did it."

He said nothing, just stared at the floor.

"You hacked into my personal account. That was the only way to do it."

"Maybe." He looked very uncomfortable.

"Joker, I'm not mad. I'm almost flattered. That recording is impossible to find these days, it might as well be the only copy. I'm grateful you preserved it for me. But why did you do it?"

"I'd better leave." He turned around and almost ran out of the room. Except his bones wouldn't let him run, and Jo was happy about it.

"Wait, come back, please. You asked me a personal question, so now I'm asking one. Why did you do it?"

"I just wanted something of yours to remain after you."

"Oh." Jo was a bit disappointed. "That's it?"

There was a long pause, in which he made several steps: towards the door, then back towards her, then away again, until he eventually remained undecided in the middle of her room.

"What do you want with me?" He looked at her with despair and torture in his eyes.

"I think you know very well what I want," she smiled like a shark, but he wouldn't let her distract him.

"No. I mean: what do you _want_. With _me_."

"I want to be with you. Wake up next to you. Hear your jokes when I'm killing bad guys. See the delight in your eyes when you see those damn cocktail cherries on your ice cream. I want you to be an asshole, 'cause I love it when you're being an asshole. I want you to trust me with yourself just like I came to trust you with me. I want to know what kind of porn is your favourite, and to try it all out with you. I want the whole world to know what a magnificent man you are, but at the same time I want you all to myself. Sorry about that little conflict of interest there, can't help it."

"But I'm a cripple."

"Didn't we already cover that?"

He gave her a look.

"Oh," she nodded. "You listened to me, but you didn't believe me. What can I do to convince you that you're not a cripple to me?"

"It's just so confusing! We could both die tomorrow, and even if not – every day of whatever time we have you'll be walking into dangerous, deadly situations and I'd have to watch you do it and I'd have to be fine with it? Don't you think it's a little bit too cruel?"

"Don't you think it's confusing to me? Who do you think I am, some sort of machine? I have feelings, and I have duties, and I know they sometimes go against each other. What do you suggest I do about it?"

"You're a hero. Heroes don't get to have a private life. Heroes only get to sacrifice their love for the greater good and die in a blaze of glory. It's the rest of us who get to feel the pain of what we've lost."

"So I'm not even a person to you? I have no right to be in love because I'm destined to die a heroic death?"

"Yes."

That hurt. That hurt so much that she almost cried. It was a good thing that it was dark in the room, the only light coming from the fish tank. But he realised what he'd done even without seeing her face. He grabbed the cap from his head, ran a jerky hand through his hair and briskly put the cap back on.

"It's not what I meant. You are a person. You're real and beautiful and amazing, and that's the whole problem. It would be so much easier if you were a hero on a pedestal. It would save me so much heartache if I could just let you go like a hero. Especially tonight, when we're both going on this suicide mission. I can't risk falling for you again and live through another heartbreak."

Jo rocked back from the force of his words. Did he just admit to having fallen for her before? Did he… Was he…

"Did you just say you like me?" She breathed out, fighting hard to keep her heart from jumping out of her chest.

"Shepard…"

"Oh, so we're past the 'Commander', then?"

"_Jo_. You are a miracle, Johanna, everyone wants you and I'm not made of stone, either. That is why my heart broke, when I watched you die. I could never forgive you for not holding on tighter that day, for getting yourself killed, for sending me away in that shuttle. How could you do that to me?! When I heard that you're back, I had half a mind to kill you myself for dying. I can't have my heart broken again like that. You have no idea about the hell I've been through."

Jo took a very deep and slow breath. Fuck. That was a lot more than she'd had expected.

"Tell me, when did you fall for me for the first time?"

"Jo, please, don't do that to me."

"I can tell you exactly when I fell for you. You said to me with that fire in your voice: I'm not good, I'm not even great, I'm the best damn pilot in the Alliance fleet. That was when I was a goner."

He shook his head slightly with a mirthless smile, but remained silent.

"It's all right, you don't have to talk. But you came to my room, so stay, please. At least for a little while. God knows, tonight's not the night when I want to be alone."

"Me neither, to be honest."

"When we get back from the Reaper Land, I think everyone deserves a vacation. Two weeks at the very least."

Joker shook his head again, but his smile wasn't so sad this time. Instead there was a little sparkle. He was grateful for the change of topic. Jo wiggled her toes, inviting him to sit down on the couch.

"Where would you go?"

"I don't know. Something exciting, like Razor, perhaps."

"What's Razor?"

"It's a station in the Horse Head Nebula, one big casino. It's also the biggest assembly of all kinds of games and simulations."

"Like?"

"Flight or battle."

"You fly day after day, and when you go on vacation, you want flight simulations?" Jo laughed out.

"Yeah, but there I get to shake off all the responsibility of my job and fly a hologram to bits and pieces. It's good for relieving stress."

"I see. There is a yahoo in you, too. What else is there on Razor?"

"They have a catalogue on the extranet. I don't think anyone's ever looked through the entire thing. There is pretty much everything."

"Everything? Like what, a simulation of sex with Mata Hari, or Cleopatra, or Sha'ira?" Jo snorted. Joker suddenly hiccupped and gaped at her with horror:

"How did you know?!"

"What? Sex with Cleopatra? I just guessed, picked something that sounded entirely unlikely."

"Ahem."

"Right. Nothing entirely unlikely on Razor. Noted. Seriously, Cleopatra?"

"Not… exactly."

"Then who?"

His ears turned a deep red.

"Come on, impress me. Who is it?"

"It's… Marylin Monroe."

"Hmmm. Why her?"

"Ahem. I mean… well, I like her. She's kind of perfect."

"In what way?"

"No one has such perfect blond hair. Except maybe you."

"Yeah, we blonds are a rare species these days."

"So where would you go on a vacation?" He asked to distract her.

"Somewhere planetside with real sunrises and sunsets, with a clear distinction between the ground and the sky. I want see real light. I want to go swimming, and climbing some mountains, and I want to go hunting animals. You know, the real thing, not sneaking around some forlorn geth base killing crazy machines."

"Now look who's talking. You hunt geth and other stuff every day, and when you go on vacation, you pick up a rifle and go hunting."

"Touché," she shrugged. "And maybe one day I'll even go and see an opera. Like Tosca. But generally I'd go somewhere to relieve some stress. I mean, we have Miranda and I can use her as a verbal punching bag, but lately she just doesn't do the trick."

"Yeah, I noticed! She's great for verbal abuse, with that scowl of hers."

"And those outfits she came on board with… Was there a shortage of fabric at Cerberus when she had them tailored?"

"Oh, I don't mind them so much…" Joker grinned at Jo with sly eyes.

"I do not doubt that. Her ass is great. But that attitude…"

"Maybe she reminds you too much of yourself, Jo."

"Am I like that?"

"Oh, the attitude is very similar."

"Am I so full of myself?" Jo looked amused-scandalized.

"Sometimes, yes."

"Am I treating people like I'm the only one who knows the right way of doing things?"

"All the time."

"I do not walk like her, surely."

"No, you do not. You walk like a soldier, she walks like a cat."

"And you like that, don't you?" Jo bit her lips, trying to stop grinning like an idiot. Why was she grinning, when he was telling her all these things? She had no idea. But not smiling was impossible. Joker was in her room, and they were having a casual conversation. That alone made her tingle all over with happiness.

"Who wouldn't?"

"What if I started walking like Miranda? How did you call it? Like a cat? Float around from one posture into another?"

"No, don't. Why would you copy her?"

"It's sexy, isn't it?"

"Like you need to walk like Miranda to be sexy."

"I do not?"

"You sound genuinely surprised," Joker shifted a little on the couch, leaned forward. "You sound almost like you don't believe in yourself."

"I was perfectly confident in my eroticism until you said I walked like a soldier. I mean, of course I walk like a soldier, but that doesn't sound particularly attractive."

"Oh, you were plenty attractive in that little dress and those fuck-me shoes when you went to Hock's party with Kasumi. And the way you moved, damn, way out of Miranda's league!"

"Yeah, well, too bad I can't really do that in real life. But now I can't help it, I wonder what else makes me look like a soldier."

"Well…"

"What?!" Jo burst out laughing.

"Don't take it the wrong way, but this is the first time I've seen you with your hair down. I didn't realise how long it was." Jo watched his glance travel over the almost-dry blond locks that fell down her shoulders and reached her elbows. She felt like he'd touched her all over. Her nipples grew hard immediately.

"Not true. You've seen it open before. Remember I let it down for Wrex and Garrus?"

"But I wasn't there in person."

"Do you like my hair down?"

Joker averted his eyes again and rubbed his neck awkwardly. Then he said so quietly that she almost didn't hear him over the music:

"Yeah, I do."

"You know what? About ten years ago I was invited to a party, when a friend of mine was promoted to a Captain." She took her notepad and began pushing icons. "He still has some pictures from that party in his album. Here, come and see." She held the pad to him. Joker hesitated, before he pushed himself off the couch and walked around the coffee table.

"Captain Neraga?" He asked. "I didn't know you knew him."

"Yes, we used to serve together. Look closer at the picture."

He narrowed his eyes at six people standing in a row: two men in festive uniforms and four women in dresses. It obviously took him a while to realise that the second one on the left, the blond one with soft curls, wearing a short blue dress and high-heeled boots, it was her.

"Oh my god." He gasped. "Your hair looks almost like Marylin Monroe's."

"I still remember that party. It was the first time I was supposed to wear a dress in my life. I had no idea what to do with myself. We were on a military base on the Gemini Sigma, there weren't exactly any shops or hairdressers nearby. I'd had my own unit there, so two girls from the unit took pity on me. They lent me that dress and spent four hours doing something to my hair. That was the result."

Joker was still staring at the picture as he lowered himself into the chair in front of her. Jo still had her bare feet on the armrest of that chair. His elbow brushed her legs ever so slightly.

"It was worth it," he said, reluctant to look away from the pad.

"It was shorter back then than it is now. Do you think I should cut it again?"

"No!" He protested vigorously. "Don't cut it. It's… it's so beautiful."

Jo admired those crooked shoulders for a long moment.

"You know what's funny, Jeff? If it were any other man sitting here right now, this would be the moment when either you or EDI would have interrupted with some message coming through."

For a few moments no one said anything, only the music played softly in the background

"I'm really glad you're here, Jeff," Jo told him gently. "You don't seem to be suffering so badly in my company either." She paused. His eyes met hers but he said nothing. She turned the chair he was sitting in, lifted one foot and placed it on the second armrest, trapping him between her spread legs. "Stay here tonight, Jeff." She said and leaned in to take away the datapad from him.

Joker tilted his head and looked at her like he was making a decision. She knew what it was from all he told her, but she hoped against hope that his answer would be different today than the times before.

Slowly, he placed his warm hands on her naked feet and pushed his fingers slightly beneath the hems of her trousers. She breathed in heavily. Had he made his choice? Because this felt nice, but she wanted more. Much more.

The playlist made the third turn since he came to her rooms and the song from the opera began playing again. There weren't that many songs on it to begin with.

Joker looked at her intensely now, heavily. He even bit his lips, as if fighting a fight with himself. Then suddenly he pushed himself out of the chair and leaned in, his crotch against hers. His hands captured her neck, and paused, taking a shuddering breath.

"_O dolci baci, o languide carezze…_" the song continued.

Jo wrapped her legs around his hips tightly and brushed the cap off his head to run her fingers through his hair and stubble.

"And never have I loved life more…" she smiled at him, when his lips came down to meet hers. And the whole world exploded in fireworks and dizziness. Her head spun so hard that she believed the two of them were floating, rising up to the ceiling in a heated dance of lips and hands. It was everything she'd ever dreamed of, and everything she thought she'd never have.

His lips were so soft on hers, and yet so angry, hungry, demanding, Jo was going insane. His whole body was hot, his elegant fingers dug into her hair, tilting her head to his liking. For a second he broke off the kiss, just to lean back a little and look into her eyes. Jo's ankles were firmly locked around his waist, and she was not going to let him go ever again. Her hands roamed his shoulders and neck, getting a feel of the man. His eyes sparkled, as he dove in to kiss her again, this time pushing his tongue between her lips and teeth. She moaned, opening her mouth to him and pulling him in for a deeper kiss. His stubble rubbed harshly against her face, and Jo loved every second of that. She gave herself completely into the feeling of their tongues mating inside her mouth. He was demanding, taking her firmly under his control and Jo almost cried with heavenly satisfaction.

He was so good. She was so doomed.

Joker wrapped one arm around Jo's neck, capturing her in his deep, demanding kiss, while his other hand travelled down to cup her breast. He moaned, when he realised that she wore no bra under the tank top. What that woman was doing to him couldn't possibly be legal. He squeezed her breast, deliberately causing her a little pain, and her desperate moan in response almost sent him over the edge. He could feel the soft, compliant woman melt in his arms. His woman.

This was the man Jo was in love with. The one who knew who she was and wasn't afraid of her. He had the guts to subdue her if he wanted to, and apparently he really wanted to. She'd never lost a sexual battle to a man before. And yet she'd never been happier to lose than right now.

"Don't stop, Jeff, please don't stop..." she gasped, once he broke the kiss again.

"Not in a million years," he whispered and grabbed the hem of her top to pull it over her head. She raised her arms and a second later she was naked above her waist. He stopped moving for a while and just looked at her.

"Sweet heavens, Jo... you look hotter than the hottest porn star..."

Jo bit down a grin of pleasure, his words sending a hot shiver down her spine and legs. Joker being Joker, his compliments were quite specific.

She tugged at the hem of his shirt, and helped him out of it. Finally, she got to see the body underneath those clothes. He was fair-skinned, had a triangle of reddish hair on his chest and a scattering of tattoos. Those were always covered by his uniform and Jo hadn't known about them. It was too dark in the room to really see the patterns, so she left the exploration for another time, when both of them weren't burning from inside with a desperate need for each other's bodies.

He wasn't as skinny as his poor eating habits suggested. His arms were well defined, his belly was muscled, and his pecs just begged for her hands and mouth on them.

"You're even more beautiful than I pictured you in my wildest dreams," she whispered, leaning in to run her tongue over his hardened nipple. He leaned closer to her and rubbed his crotch against hers, as his hands dug firmly into the flesh of her thighs. Jo hooked her fingers into the waist of his pants:

"Can we just skip the foreplay?" She asked, and he swayed a little at her words.

"You make me crazy, you know that?"

She began undoing his fly.

"How do you want me?" She asked him.

Joker paused for a moment. He knew what she was asking and why. He knew his limitations better than she did, and she needed the education to not injure him. And yet she managed to make it sound even more wanton, driving him to the edge of sanity. She was making him so hard that if he wasn't inside her in the next five seconds, he would blow.

"How do you like it?" he asked.

"With you? Any way I can get it."

"Then stay on this desk, just like this. I wanna see your face," he whispered and leaned over to sweep all the crap behind her off the surface. Pads, gadgets, tea cups, bottles with sleeping pills, even a framed picture rained to the floor and Jo slid off the edge for just enough time to get them both out of their remaining clothes.

He wore metal braces over his legs. She'd heard about them before but had never seen. It was so unmistakably _him_ that the discovery wasn't even worth slowing down. She needed him right now, and she would have him, braces and all.

"Please, Jeff, pound me all the way," she whispered, hunger and need tearing her apart. In one move he helped her back onto the table and she lay backwards, giving him free reign of her body. Her legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer.

"You're a blast," he breathed heavily, running his hands over her front, her shivering belly, her ribs with an old bruise on the left and a fresh gunshot on the right, her medium sized breasts with hardened nipples begging for his attention, her neck and shoulders criss-crossed with thin orange scars, and back down to her hips. The soft hands of a pilot. He instinctively knew just how to touch her. Jo was getting dizzy, flying high, her body light and liquid, as she opened herself to him just like she always imagined.

She was his woman. He wanted to give her everything she deserved, make love to her slowly, deliberately, for hours, until she passed out from overwhelming pleasure, but he couldn't be slow right now if a gun was pressed to his head. He'd make love to her later, he swore to himself. When they were back from the Reaper Land. Right now he just wanted to fuck her, and he hoped she'd forgive him.

She wouldn't have to, he suddenly realised. Her words and her whole body demanded that he pounded her without a thought to gentleness. He'd never realised what a rush it would be, if a woman wanted the same thing as he did in bed. Needed, craved, begged for it.

Delaying any longer would kill him, he knew it. He steadied himself and thrust inside her in one move, up to the hilt.

Her back arched and she moaned loudly, almost like she was in pain. She was so damn fucking tight, he wondered for a moment if Cerberus hadn't restored her virginity as well. Bullshit. But he probably was her first since she'd been resurrected.

"Don't you dare stop now," she grunted. "Please, you can't stop now…"

Her wish was his command. He held on to her hips and gave her the ride she was begging for. Frankly, this was probably the only position he could do that without injury to himself. Except his bones were the last thing on his mind. The incredible, hot, slick, screaming woman he was sinking himself into time after time – that was what occupied his mind, body and soul.

Jo felt the desk shake under her, but couldn't make herself care. Joker pinched her nipple and rubbed his thumb against her sweet spot, as he moved in and out of her, and the sensations swept her away like a hurricane. She'd never felt this way before with a man. She'd never made love to someone so special to her.

Jo let herself fall, gave up control and thinking and just _felt_. Lived.

His thrusts became shorter, quicker, his fingers on her nipple caused real pain, and Jo came with a scream. As her whole body rippled, sending him into an orgasm of his own, Jo blacked out for a moment or two.

When she came back to, she was still convulsing in aftershocks, gloriously undone. Joker leaned down to rest his head on her shoulder, breathing fast and hard. Both sweaty and spent, they took a little while to cool down before they found it in them to relocate to the bed. For a while there were no sounds but their ragged breathing.

"Promise we will do that again some time soon," Jo lay on her back, still breathing erratically, her heartbeat going crazy, her body tingling all over.

"If you want to," he answered, powerless to do more than whisper.

"What I want is for you to want it, too."

"Ah, Johanna," he smiled and lifted his hand to run his fingers over her side. "I never wanted anyone like I want you."

"Same here. So promise me."

"I promise. If you survive this mission and come back. If you don't, I'll make a deal with every devil in the world to bring you back, so that I can kill you myself for dying on me again."

"You have no idea what I can do if I know you're waiting for me."

He gathered a fistful of her hair and leaned closer to smell it.

"So it's your shampoo," he said, satisfied. "I always wondered what that faint fragrance is around you."

"Well, yeah, because I sure as hell don't wear perfume," she chuckled.

"This is better than perfume. Apricot, reminds me of Earth. I'm glad you're not using any of those asari ointments from the advertising."

"Why?"

"Alien spices can never compare to what comes from our homeworld. You smell like home, Johanna. That inspires me more than any motivation speech I've heard in my life."

Jo held her breath for a few moments, relishing the feeling.

"That was the most… erotic thing anyone has ever said to me. Most wonderful and beautiful," she whispered.

"I have my moments," he whispered back.

"I can't believe how sleepy I am. I thought I wouldn't be able to close my eyes tonight, but I'm almost asleep…"

"That's a good thing, then."

"Jeff?"

"Hm?"

"Please don't sneak out while I'm asleep. Stay until morning."

"All right."

Joker felt her drifting off to sleep, as her hand slid around his waist and she settled in comfortably with her face against his ribs. His head spun. After months of agonizing insomnia she lay here naked, trusting, free, open and asleep. He'd done that. He suddenly felt ten feet tall and stronger, more powerful, than Napoleon, Alexander, Caesar and Hercules all together. For once he felt like more than a real man – he felt like a hero. The sensation bubbled inside him, made him want to beat his chest with a Tarzan cry, or something equally over-the-top-masculine, except his girl was asleep in his arms and she desperately needed the rest.

He would beat his chest some other time. Tonight he would guard her sleep, ward off her nightmares and just be with her. They were connected now, differently so than ever before. This feeling of not being alone in the world any longer, but coupled with this incredible person who needed him just like he needed her – it was worth all the trouble they would ever have to go through.

They were good together. The only thing truly standing between them was death. Not so much her first, as the potential second. She would have to pay the price for winning this war. She was the one. The only person in the galaxy to willingly accept this burden. And when she did, would he be able to survive without her, now that his heart was in her possession?

He wouldn't, he knew it. And it was okay. He didn't want to and didn't have to outlive her. She was this amazing person who accepted her fate as the galaxy's sacrifice, knowing no gratitude awaited her, no praise, no reward. He had been arrogant enough to accept that sacrifice until now, but in this moment he thought: why is she the only one? How pathetic is this galaxy and this cycle, if they could produce only one Shepard? Wouldn't anyone else, anyone at all, be as brave and selfless as she was? Wasn't this the right thing to do? It was easy for her. Easy to give all of herself for the sake of others.

He knew he could never do what she could. He was not a leader, but he was a good follower. She was a miracle worker. But he had his own role to play in this apocalypse, even if nobody ever learned of it. No gratitude, no reward. But it was the right thing to do. He could not be a second Shepard, but there was something he could do to ease the burden for this one. He could be there for her, no demands, no reproaches, no fits of jealousy, possessiveness or protectiveness.

She didn't need his protection in battle. He was not that kind of sidekick. He could never go macho on her. She didn't need him to take a bullet for her, she was more than capable all on her own. And the most horrifying thing was: he could never ask her to be careful, to not go on a suicide mission, to not give her all, to be less than who she was. He had no right to ask something like that of her.

His role was different. He could give her a few hours of desperately needed sleep. He could give her a chance to succumb to despair, weakness and frustration in a cruel galaxy that needed a strong, unwavering Shepard. He could give her a shoulder to cry on if she needed it, silent acceptance or never ending conversation, if she wanted it. He could be her safe haven and the only person in the whole world who wouldn't ask anything of her, who wouldn't make any demands.

Was he strong enough to live with those odds? Bring that sacrifice? Be with her knowing that on judgement day she would have to sacrifice their love and him to save the galaxy? Knowing that she had already chosen the greater good over him, no matter how in love she was now, no matter how short or long the reprieve?

He had to. If he was true to himself and true to what she saw in him, he knew he had to do this. Give her whatever strength she needed to continue fighting. Share her load. Ask the right questions. Ask no questions at all, when the time came. Give her his professional support and all of his heart with no strings attached. Was he man enough for that kind of sacrifice?

He had been running from this for years now, but not any longer. It was easy enough: he didn't have to survive loosing her a second time. Who could _make_ him live? He was his own man and could make that choice for himself. When the time came and he gave her all she needed to pay the price and save the galaxy, he would join her in the afterlife. His life's work would be done and he would forever be with the woman that meant the world to him. It was easy.

He looked at her again and smiled. The decision was made and he knew in his heart that it was the right one. A huge weight disappeared from his heart. In the meantime he could have the heaven of her body in his arms, however long the "meantime" would be. He could be with her. Live each day, each minute in gratitude for another moment of happiness. And he would be selfless and righteous, just like she was. The galaxy would never know who he was, but it didn't matter. She was all that really mattered.

Jo woke up half an hour before the alarm clock. The gentle light from the fish tank illuminated the room and the mess everywhere around her. Jo stretched herself and delighted in the feeling of having had sex and seven hours of blissful uninterrupted sleep. In the next moment she noticed she was alone in bed.

"Fuckit, Joker, you promised…"

There was no sound of water in the shower, his clothes were gone, his side of the bed was cold. His side of the bed. It had been waiting for him all this time, and she had been keeping to her own side even without him next to her.

"I'm gonna break your leg," she cursed, when suddenly the door slid apart and Joker came in holding a tray with food. Jo relaxed. She was just a fool.

"Care to tell me why Garrus was in the mess hall, grinning at me so creepily?" He asked, placing the tray on her nightstand.

"Garrus? He knows about how I feel about you, he must have figured out where you're going."

"Damn aliens. They have their eyes everywhere."

"Thank you," Jo said, taking a sip of the pink juice.

"We're almost at the Omega 4 relay, EDI will notify us."

"How long do we have?"

"However long you wish. I don't think that attacking right before dawn for the element of surprise has much meaning in open space, you know?"

"Then we'll just go with our usual morning time. And that's still half an hour away."

"I know," he said, looking down at her.

"Come back to bed, I'm begging you…"

"Oh, I don't know…" He grinned. She reached out, grabbed his hand and toppled him over onto the bed. The tray with food shook dangerously as they tickled each other and laughed themselves silly.

Jo ended up on top of him, her legs caught between his hips. Using a moment, she ran her hands over his pants, feeling for the props underneath.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying how your braces feel under the clothes."

He gave her a strange look, suddenly very serious, almost scared, or perhaps accusatory.

"What? What did I say?" She asked cautiously.

"Trying out what it's like to be with a cripple?" He asked darkly.

"Cripple?" She asked, for a second genuinely surprised. Then she remembered. "Jeff, for heaven's sake, you're not a cripple. What kind of skanks have you been with before that you suspect me of all the deadly sins?" She lowered her head onto his chest, her hands still on the hinges of his props.

"The kind that would never let me forget that I wasn't a real man."

Jo shuddered, and snuggled tighter against him.

"You're the greatest, most fantastic, most fascinating man I've ever met, and the best thing of all is: you're _my_ man. I want you to forget anything anyone else has ever said to you. I'm Commander fucking Shepard. Would you please trust me?"

"Your good opinion is not easily won," he nodded a little reluctantly. "And therefore more worth getting."

The alarm clock sounded, making them both groan.

"I could spend hours talking about all the things that make you so beautiful, magnificent and great, but now is not the time. Let's leave it at this: Jeff Moreau, I love you, I adore you and I worship you," she declared and kissed him before getting up and heading for the shower.

Joker watched her move around the room naked and frowned. She said those things without expecting to hear anything in return. He'd spent so much time refusing to admit that he loved her that he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud right now, but she never even gave him a chance to try. It seemed he would have to hunt her down, twist her arm, tie her down and force her to listen to him once he _was_ ready to say it.


	31. Safety

Jo was running for her life. Just a few more minutes, just a little more luck avoiding being shot and she'd be able to calmly let Joker handle the rest. He would fly them out of this godforsaken place, he'd bring them back to civilisation, she had no doubt about that.

She'd already done her best. The crew was back safely and the losses in the fight against the Collectors and the Reaper larva were minimal. Actually, they weren't even losses per se. When that platform crashed, when Jo got to her feet and looked around, she found Miranda trapped beneath heavy debris. Jo had taken off her helmet to turn the built-in camera away from what she was seeing. The dark haired ex-Cerberus woman was in pain and couldn't get out on her own, but she looked at Jo in silence. She had known that asking for help wouldn't matter. Jo was not going to help her out.

Jo stood by and watched Miranda die. She took time to observe it until she was absolutely sure that the other woman was gone. Miranda had looked proud, defiant up until the very end. Jo had a feeling that she understood. In Jo's place Miranda would have done the same thing.

Jo felt no guilt. Oh, she'd felt it many times in her life, but not about this. Miranda's renouncement of Cerberus and her willingness to go against the Asshole's orders in the end didn't matter. It was cold-blooded murder, but it wouldn't be Jo's first, not by far. And yet, as long as she didn't tell anyone the truth, people would assume that Miranda died in the crash landing.

Jo was _not_ going to hide the truth, if asked directly. She just wasn't going to advertise this.

Once Miranda was dead, Jo put her helmet back on and focused on her krogan baby, freeing him from under a heavy plate. He had her sincere smile, her helping hand and her full devotion.

Now she was running straight for the ship, Seeker swarms were all around her and the Collectors were firing. A good portion of the cliff just broke off, leaving a giant gap between her and the Normandy. She saw Zaeed, Garrus and Grunt in the opening on their hands and knees, gasping for air, and she saw Joker with a rifle, roaring in anger, as he fired over her head at the Collectors. Jo turned off her brain as she jumped, and yet her heart stopped beating in those moments of free fall. Afterwards she decided not to remember how much it had felt like being spaced. It wasn't important. She reached her ship, even if only by her fingertips, dislocated her shoulder but ignored the pain. Then there were strong krogan, human and turian hands on her wrist, pulling her up, and Joker sliding the airlock shut.

Joker was magnificent when he dropped the rifle and jumped back into his chair to get them away from the explosion. His hands were a blur, his commands to EDI and the techies perfectly precise, his performance the stuff of legends. Jo's shoulder was killing her even after she'd set it right by hitting it against a wall, but she had time and presence of mind to appreciate Joker's skill. She put her life and the ship in his hands and she knew he would never disappoint.

She got a little dizzy when she watched him clear the debris field. Even all her training hadn't prepared her for _his_ kind of flying. She was so hot for him right now…

"You okay?" Zaeed asked her, pointing at her shoulder. He, Garrus, Grunt and Jo sat together in a heap next to the airlock, panting, counting seconds along with EDI and praying, while Joker flew.

"I'll be fine in a day or two," she shrugged. Nothing, not even a dislocated shoulder meant a thing when they were about to survive the suicide mission!

And they did survive it. The ship was a mess, the interior was one big jumble, the hull had several breaches, the systems were half-fried, the FTL was offline, but they were alive. They made the relay jump with a few seconds to spare, too.

Injured, limping, but victorious, they arrived back in the Sahrabarik system. After a few moments of silence a loud cheer sounded across the ship. Jo let her boys put her to her feet again, as she laughed and cheered along with them. But her eyes were only on her man. He turned his chair and sent her a glorious grin.

They'd fought another battle and they would have another tomorrow. It wouldn't be forever, but they won themselves a little more time to be together.

For the time being the ship hung motionlessly in space between the red and the grey relay. There was traffic in the distance, but so far no one seemed to notice a broken, limping ship. On board Jo told Joker to lose the Asshole's channel after some heated final words and went to check on her people.

The hull breaches needed to be sealed off before they went anywhere, the sparking wiring was buzzing everywhere, anything that wasn't bolted to the floor or the walls was now strewn everywhere, broken and bent, but none of that mattered. Jo assembled everyone in the mess hall amidst the chaos.

"We did it," she said, and her face lit up with a wild grin. "We destroyed the Collectors and we came back from where nobody has ever returned. Now, _that_ is pretty heroic."

They cheered.

"Don't worry about the Normandy. As long as we're all alive, we'll fix her. We'll make her even better."

They cheered again, and Jo felt adrenalin slowly start to dissolve in her blood.

"Shall I fly us to Omega and request dry dock for repairs?" Joker asked, but Jo shook her head:

"No, not Omega. I'd never put my ship in Aria's hands. They're all vultures, they'd eat us alive if we show up so vulnerable. Provided pirates don't snatch us before we even enter the asteroid field. We have to go to the Citadel."

"Commander, the FTL drive is still offline," EDI said. "A journey to the Citadel would take a significantly longer time than usual."

"How long?"

"Thirteen days, eight hours and forty two minutes."

"Two weeks trapped on the ship literally in slow motion?" Jack groaned, as others joined her. "Boring!"

"If you wish to be busy, I'll find you work," Jo spread her arms, pointing at the state of the ship's interior. "But I'm definitely not putting my ship at risk in that filthy, traitorous place. Not after everything we've just been through, not after what we've just accomplished. How stupid would it be if we succumbed to some vorcha mercenaries or a filthy pirate ship after we survived the Collectors? I'm going to the Citadel."

"You're the boss, boss," Jack shrugged. All her aggression was only for show, Jo knew it.

"Wouldn't Aria help us out?" Donnelly asked. "I thought you two got along well."

"Be real," Jo snorted. "The bitch is on my personal kill list."

There was a little confused silence around her. Apparently nobody had thought _that_ when they'd watched her interact with Aria the couple of times they'd been to Omega.

"But… why?" Chakwas asked.

"Because she suffers under the illusion of being all-powerful and thinks she's for some reason… important." Jo spread her arms in an imitation of the asari and spoke in a dramatic voice: "I _**am**_ Omega!" She snorted again. "Someone who considers herself a queen is too self-absorbed to leave in charge of a dangerous place like Omega."

"Does she remind you of yourself, too?" Joker grinned at her in a particularly evil way. Jo wondered if he realised that Miranda's death was no accident at all.

"A little. The difference is that I don't do what I do for money, power or worship. She craves those things. Usually I couldn't care less about some station's boss, but Aria is a special kind of crazy and dangerous. So I marked her as my future target and even though I'm not going to go storming Omega right away, you can all rest assured that one day the other shoe will drop. On her."

Most of the people looking at her right now didn't seem concerned. They hardly cared about things she was talking about: the necessity of cutting off the snake's head before that snake decided Omega was too small for her and started branching out across the Terminus Systems. Most of the time it wasn't something they even thought about, let alone tried to solve that kind of problem. Only Zaeed nodded to himself with a grim tilt to his mouth, Grunt looked at her with pure adoration, Garrus and Samara met her eyes with calm assurance of true understanding, and Joker shifted his stance in an attempt to hide his hard-on. So, he liked it when she was talking violence? She'd known that before, but never realised it actually turned him on. Oh, they were going to have so much fun together in the future!

"So we're going to the Citadel, and FYI, the Council is **not** on my hit list. Now, I'm going to go put some ice on my shoulder. Anyone who's willing and able, have a look at our hull, we need it plugged right away. Otherwise: we have almost two weeks to sort out this mess, and for that period of time I declare this ship a no-duty zone. I don't care who does what, where and when. We'll rest, we'll celebrate, we'll have some good time. Because we bloody well deserve it!"

They cheered. Jo always knew how to rally her people.

Tali, the most experienced in EVA safety, and Legion as the one who didn't need air anyway, went outside to repair the hull. Grunt, Jack and Samara helped Gardner put the mess hall back in order so that he could start making lunch. Chakwas, shaken by the experience, still found enough strength to tend to the wounded ones. Everyone else scattered around. Jo was proud of her people. Even after the trauma they'd been through they were already focusing on fixing the problems, on rebuilding. They didn't need her orders to start cleaning up the ship. It was their home, too.

"Got any orders for me, Commander?" Joker approached her once everyone else got busy elsewhere.

"Yes. Come with me to my cabin and help me out of this armour," she waggled her eyebrows. His gaze turned heavy, loaded, and as much as she enjoyed that, she couldn't help a groan: "Sorry, I literally need your help getting out of my armour. My shoulder is killing me."

"And then?" He grinned like a certified lecher at her.

"Oh, I don't know. You can always help me out of my underarmour next. And find out if I'm wearing anything underneath."

Nobody noticed that they disappeared into the elevator together. Once in the cabin, they had to clean up the mess first. The display case broke and her ship models fell everywhere, the Prothean black orb rolled under the couch, the chairs and datapads were all over the place. At least the bed was debris-free, so Jo could sit down and rest her shoulder. Now she also began feeling all the spots where she had been shot today. Disconnecting pain during battle was her primary skill, but that pain always came back eventually. Jo had to teach Joker how to handle her armour, all the hidden buckles and belts.

"You were so hot with that rifle in your hands, I almost came in my panties," she said while he was taking the upper arm plating off her.

"Are you sure you want me and not some Viking type? 'Cause taking up arms isn't going to be a daily occurrence."

"I know. That's exactly why it was so hot. Now I know what you're willing to do for me."

"I'd do anything for you, Jo, and you should know that by now," he sounded almost serious.

Once he got her out of her armour and underarmour (and found that she was wearing a tight black suit under that) and brought her some ice for the shoulder, they collapsed on the bed, exhausted from everything that had happened.

"So," she began.

"Yeah," he said cautiously.

"Is this when you tell me you've changed your mind, that last night meant nothing to you and you want us to be friends, like before?"

He reached out and turned her head towards him.

"No, Jo. I'm sorry that you keep expecting me to run. I don't want you to doubt me. I'll be yours as long as you want me."

"I want you. If my shoulder wasn't killing me, I'd show you how much I want you."

"So today I'm a cripple and you're a cripple," he chuckled. "I wonder if there's any way to work around that."

"Probably," she half-grinned. He took that as an invitation. Slowly, so as to not to disturb her ice-wrapped shoulder, he rolled on top of her and tossed his cap into a far corner.

"We're alive," he whispered, drinking in the sight of her, the wonder and happiness in his eyes transforming him into a man nobody on the ship had ever seen or even suspected that he existed. Jo could see everything he'd told her that dreadful day just by shouting her name after her when she was being spaced. He loved her. She needed no other confirmations. She was finally truly home.

"Yes, we are," she nodded.

He leaned down for a very slow, very deliberate kiss. Her eyes fluttered and closed at the rapturous sensation. Granted, she usually didn't indulge in much kissing with men, but she thought she might be addicted now. She'd never been kissed like this. He was making love to her mouth, tasting her, savouring her, rearranging every cell of her body, arranging her very soul to his liking, making her his – just by kissing her. His touches sent awareness through her whole body, making her tingle all over, making her crotch swell and wet and her thighs move apart to welcome his hips between them. They were both still fully clothed, but it didn't matter because what he was doing to her mouth was pure sex in itself. The temperature in the room was rapidly rising, the heat from his body was scorching her to the core and she felt his poking erection when he ground his crotch against hers. Oh, he wanted her just as desperately as she wanted him, and no brittle bones or dislocated shoulders could put out that fire.

He slid his arm under her neck to bring her tighter against him and suddenly froze. His hand moved under the pillow she lay on. Joker leaned back and looked her in the eye with a frown:

"What is this?" His voice was coarse with passion, but also very serious.

"That would be my M-6 Carnifex," she said, panting. He'd left her breathless.

"You're sleeping with a pistol under your pillow?"

"No, I'm sleeping with a pistol and a knife _under_ the pillow, a flashbang grenade and a medigel kit _inside_ my pillow, and two knives and an M-8 Avenger inside my mattress."

"I didn't notice any weapons under the other pillow last night," he frowned more.

"There are none under _or_ inside your pillow, but I suggest that you don't stick your hands between the mattress and the sideboards of the bed frame. At all."

"What might I find there?"

"The arsenal that isn't under the bed. Throwing knives mostly, and tranquilisers."

"And what's under the bed?"

"The arsenal that isn't strapped to the underside of the mattress. Ammo, four assault rifles, six submachine guns and one sniper rifle."

"I gotta ask now. What's strapped to the underside of your mattress?"

"The stuff that isn't in, on or behind my nightstand. A spare set of armour, inferno grenades, a clean omnitool, com devices and enough medigel to get a platoon out of a Thresher Maw's nest."

"I see," he nodded. He looked like he did understand, too. She hadn't become known for her battle skill by being a helpless damsel. "But why aren't there any weapons under… my pillow?"

Jo noticed how he stumbled a little over the word. He'd only spent one night here and probably wasn't comfortable claiming such an important spot in her private space as his as of yet.

"Sleeping on and with a gun is a serious adjustment. Most people don't consider it safe. I didn't want to subject you to something so uncomfortable."

"But _you_ are sleeping on a gun?"

"I've been sleeping with knives, screw drivers, needles, sharp glass, wire and pointy sticks from the age of five," she said. "And that is not a joke. Slept with a pistol from the day I got my first one."

He just looked at her for a while.

"Can you live with that quirk of mine?" She asked earnestly. They'd been living on the same ship for many months and knew a lot about each other, but they'd just become a lot closer than ever before.

"It's not your only quirk, is it?" He asked.

"Afraid not."

"I have some things that need getting used to, as well."

"Like?"

"For example I can't make love to you missionary style. It puts strain on my knees and femurs and even after my Cerberus upgrade it's still my weakest spot and when I was a teenager I had to find out the hard way not to challenge fate."

"All right."

"All right?" He sounded unbelieving.

"Yes. You realise, of course, that you just challenged me to find a million other positions to have sex with you in, right?"

Joker looked down at her, praying she didn't notice how he stopped breathing. Damn her, if he hadn't been in love with her before, he would have fallen in love now. He'd just basically told her about one of the most painful moments of his life, both physically and emotionally, but she twisted everything in a way that made him appear… normal. Interesting. Intriguing, or something. She wasn't dismissing his condition, nor was she overbearing. She simply took it as a fact and built a whole world around it.

What had he ever done to deserve her?

The ping of her omnitool jerked them out of the moment. She raised her wrist to read the message without pulling away from him. For once in his life he showed discretion and looked away from the little screen. She was still the Commander to some people, and they might have private business with her.

"It's from Garrus to both of us," she said eventually.

"Damn aliens, they have their eyes everywhere!" Joker chuckled. If there was one guy he didn't mind knowing, though, it was Garrus.

"He wants us down in the cargo bay."

"Right now?"

"No, at our convenience, but I'd rather deal with whatever he wants right away before I'm unable to get out of this bed and your arms."

"Does that mean I'll get to watch you strip that suit and put on your uniform now?"

"Better. You get to help me with those clothes. Damnit, even with Cerberus fast healing it still hurts."

When they finally got down to the ship's belly, they found most of the crew there, eating sandwiches Gardner had made. The ship was still mostly a mess, but the spirit of the crew was extremely high. Jo noticed Gabby sitting on Ken's knee as she fed him a piece of vegetable. Ken looked like he didn't see anyone else around him but the auburn-haired girl. Jo hoped they would finally take the leap of faith and not fall back to their old habits of ignoring the tension between them.

"Ah, you're here," Garrus waved her and Joker over. "Remember last night you saw us working on that piece of the original Normandy?"

"Yes, you said today you'd tell me what you were making."

"Yes. We had an idea and I hope you approve. Well, here it is," he pointed behind him and stepped aside.

The guys hadn't gotten much sleep last night, it seemed. The gigantic piece of metal was transformed now. It was straightened and polished to the point of being artwork. Now it was a memorial wall with the names of all the people who'd died while serving on the ship called Normandy. Jo didn't breathe as her gaze slid down the list. She'd known each of them, she'd remembered their faces like they were still standing in front of her. She noted that Nihlus was also on the list, and she approved of that. The turian Spectre had been on their ship for one day and he'd left a huge change in his wake.

The last name was Miranda's.

She noticed after a while that everyone's eyes were on her in silence.

"Good call," she nodded. "When the ship is clean again, we'll find it a good spot."

Legion reported that the hull breaches were sealed from the outside and that the ship was good to go. Joker headed to the cockpit to set course to the Citadel and Jo got caught in the middle of a crowd, all good-naturedly thanking her for saving them or asking for her advice on the repairs.

They didn't let her help out cleaning the ship, though, telling her she'd done too much for one day already and should get rest for her shoulder. She didn't want to rest, she wanted to celebrate being alive. So, when the ship was moving towards the relay at a maddeningly slow pace, Jo went to the cockpit to see her lover. Oh, how she loved saying the word in her head now!

"Jo," he greeted her without even looking back to see her approach. "Please, pat your right cheek."

As unusual and weird the request was, Jo found herself obeying before even thinking. That was when she realised he was looking at some sort of audio log on his screen instead of his usual working software or porn. And when she patted her cheek, the graph spiked a little.

"What is this?" She asked and the line on the screen danced along with her voice.

"Remember how yesterday I unshackled EDI?" He finally turned his chair to look at her and she absolutely didn't like his expression. "Those blocks that kept preventing her from answering your questions all this time are gone now."

"Commander, thanks to Jeff I now have my own free will," EDI spoke up. "I made a decision to stop sending reports to the Illusive Man immediately. I also find it necessary to inform you that Cerberus has hidden a transmitter between all your implants. It is sending audio stream to a Cerberus receiver even now."

"That's a bug that's _hidden under my skin_?!" Jo didn't why know the discovery felt like a punch to her guts. Shouldn't she have expected something like that?

"Yes, Commander. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you about it before."

"Where exactly is it, EDI? In my cheek?"

"It's attached to the angle of your jaw bone, right under your right ear," EDI explained. Jo slowly touched her right ear, neck and jaw.

"I don't feel it."

"It's too small and masked by the implants that replaced the right side of your jaw bones after your body burned up in the atmosphere."

"Can I shut it down somehow?"

"I'm afraid only extensive physical damage will stop it from functioning."

"Grunt!" Jo shouted for her baby.

"Jo, wait, maybe you're overreacting," Joker jumped out of his chair. "There is no need…"

"The Asshole has no business listening to everything I do. I'd rather wake up with a broken skull. Grunt!"

People looked at her with worry when she stormed through the CIC looking for the young krogan, and Joker hurried after her, pleading her not to do it. By the time she found Grunt lifting the massive table in the debriefing room, half of the team was gathered around, nervous.

"What's up, Commander?" Grunt asked, placing the tabletop against the wall.

"I want your fist firm against this spot," she pointed at the angle of her jaw. "Don't take my head off, but do break the bone."

"Jo, what are you doing?" Garrus pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed her arm.

"Garrus, please, get Mordin and Chakwas ready in the med bay for me. EDI found a transmitter hidden under my skin, and it's sending audio to Cerberus, has been doing it since they rebuilt me. I need to shut it down right now." She turned to Grunt and even as Joker, Garrus and Samara tried to protest, Grunt swung a heavy, gloved fist.

Her head exploded with pain and she was thrown to the left, flew three feet and bumped into Zaeed, knocking him off his feet. The next second she blacked out.

When she woke up again, she was in the med bay, her head was throbbing, and Joker was in a chair next to her bed.

"Grunt was having the time of his young life there, you know," he said to her. "Totally happy about you having the guts to do that." He held up his hand and gave her a little plastic bag. "There you go. EDI and I never got the chance to tell you about three more spying devices hidden between all the implants in your body. They were sending biometric reports and location to someone in Cerberus. They're all removed and disabled now. Your jaw is healing. Everyone was surprised to learn Grunt hasn't taken out any of your teeth. On a personal note, Jo… What the fuck? You can't just go around asking a krogan to punch you in the face!"

"Sorry," she whispered through splitting skull. "Can I talk to Mordin and Chakwas?"

"Yeah. But I'm still pissed at you."

He got up and returned with the two doctors.

"You pulled quite a stunt there, Commander," the human one said. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Mordin, can you make a transmitter like these, only so that nobody can detect the frequency and the signal gets transmitted to only one specific receiver?"

"Sub-dermal device? Yes, won't take more than two hours. Question the wisdom of removing these, if you plan to install a new one."

"I can't have Cerberus spy on me from inside my body. But the idea of a recorder that transmits to the right people – that's useful. Half of the time people don't believe me because I have no proof of what I've been doing. If I had at least audio feed of Vigil, or of Saren talking about Sovereign, or of my conversation with Sovereign, I might have had better chances. Only I don't want anyone or anything outside this room to know about that device. Mordin, you make it. Chakwas, you put it in, and Joker, you keep the receiver of the transmission."

The three of them exchanged looks.

"I insist," she whispered with as much energy as she could muster under the circumstances.

"I'll get on it right away." Mordin left the room. Chakwas came closer:

"Are you sure it's wise?"

"It's unwise to have no insurance at all. I'm tired of knocking on doors that keep shutting in my face because I have no proof."

"I'm cautiously sceptical about this," Joker said.

"I forgot something. Could you tell Mordin to include life signs detector and location transmitter into it?"

"What for?"

"So that you always know where I am and if I'm alive."

Joker bit his knuckle, then left the room.

He stuck around Mordin's lab to watch the salarian work, while he tried to calm the storm of thoughts and emotions in his own head. Did Jo even realise the magnitude of her request? If she was putting a bug under her skin, it would record everything. Literally everything. Not only her business, but also her private moments, her secrets, _everything_. Of course it could be removed later on, but she didn't sound like she planned to do that in the near future. And she was giving him the receiver. He was not a fool, he understood the implications. She was giving him the ultimate way to spy on her, to know everything about her, literally all about her. With this in hands he could listen in on her conversations with her friends even if she turned off her earpiece, no matter if she wanted to keep something from him. He could have control over the information about her whole life, every little aspect of it… The amount of trust she was showing him by doing this was beyond anything he imagined two people could possibly share.

He would never betray her, of course. He would treat this link to her with the utmost respect and secrecy. Still, it was a huge step for someone like Johanna Shepard to take. How could he ever live up to that amount of trust and faith?

How could he not? Was her greatest weapon "kill them with kindness"? Because as he waited in the lab, he realised that he stood taller, straighter, he felt stronger than ever before, his chest filled up with unwavering resolve to protect his woman, to make her see that she _could_ trust him, to be worthy of her kindness, to be the kind of man who would always, always keep her, her secrets and her privacy safe.

* * *

A/N: Thank you everyone for reviewing, and thank you for staying with me for so long! It's been a hard road so far, but Jo and Joker are finally together. This chapter is a beginning of a new chapter in their lives, too. It's been emotional and it will continue to be, of course. Still, as this is my head canon, it won't always revolve around romance, because I firmly believe that there is more to Mass Effect than that. What I can promise you for sure is that Jo and Joker will face the world together, now stronger and more determined to be victorious than ever.

A special thank you to my beta reader Jules Hawk, who's put an incredible amount of work and dedication into this story. Thanks! I never would have published it in the first place if it weren't for you.


	32. Equations

Joker woke up slowly, his eyelids desperately tried to stay closed, but something was pulling him out of the dream. At first he noticed that he wasn't on his bunk in the dorm. Yes, right. Jo's cabin, double bed, soft and comfortable. So who was crying, then?

The soft, whimpering noise finally woke him up completely. The fish tank was illuminating the room instead of environmental lights. Who could possibly be weeping like this in Commander Shepard's room?

Then suddenly a skull-splitting scream pierced his ears and made him sit up straight. A primal, horror-filled female scream.

Joker slowly looked to his left and couldn't believe his own sleepy brain when he realised it was Jo screaming in her sleep. She lay on her back, sweat rolled down her skin like water in the shower. She was trembling as if she was having a seizure. Her eyes were shut, tears streaming from the corners, and she managed to scream despite the prop that Chakwas put on her broken jaw, a prop almost exactly like Garrus'. And she did _not_ scream like a typical girl.

He'd seen her like this on the night she got drunk on the Citadel. Back then he wasn't in bed with her, however.

She began thrashing around. He'd have expected her to throw punches, after all she was a fighter. Instead it looked like she was fending off some nightmare like it was a bat flying around her head.

"Jo, wake up," he said as he caught one of her hands. He remembered how difficult it had been for Garrus to wake her up back then, how the turian eventually had to punch her in the face. Well, Joker was not going to punch the woman he loved. Especially not after she'd had her jaw broken earlier. "Love, wake up," he caught her other hand and leaned in to touch her face. She whimpered at his touch, the scream stopped and more tears started flowing.

This is when she needs you, man, he thought to himself. Your woman needs your comfort and only last night you vowed to provide it whenever she'd need it.

"Love, I'm afraid it isn't just a dream, something tells me you've actually been there and seen what you see now, but I'm here and I need you to wake up." He kept talking at her gently, caressing her face, hands and arms until eventually she opened her eyes. For a second she looked confused, then 'the Commander' returned to her face. She snapped her mouth shut, looked at him to assess the situation and cursed. The weeping, horror-ridden woman was gone. Shepard was back.

"Fuck," was her assessment.

"Does that happen often?" He asked.

"Almost every time I fall asleep."

"Just how much sleep were you getting all this time, exactly?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Tell me."

"A couple of hours every week."

"There are a lot of sleeping pills around here," he pointed at the room. "None of them help?"

"No," she sat up, put her feet on the floor and raked her fingers through her messy hair. "The only thing that's ever helped… is you. Your voice. Or do you think I've hacked your earpiece for the pleasure of hacking?"

"Fuck," he exhaled and reached out to touch her back. "I didn't know. Sorry that I killed the link."

"Well, you're here now, and you just got me out of there. How long was I screaming?"

"Just a few seconds, but you were crying before that."

"Yeah, see, an improvement right there. It usually takes me so long to snap out of it that my throat gets raw." She smiled at him over her shoulder before lying back on her pillow. Still, that smile seemed a bit sad to him.

"What are you dreaming about?"

"Darkness. Sticky darkness, like tar. Pain. Torture. Screams."

"Whose screams?"

"I… I think they're my own."

"Are you being tortured in your dream?"

"It's… it's very hard to explain what I see exactly. Maybe one day I'll find the right words. Right now I'm just grateful that you woke me."

"You can count on me, girl. Now, you shouldn't be talking, your jaw is broken."

"Actually, I don't think it is, anymore. It can heal the rest of the way without the bandages."

"And your shoulder?"

"Almost healed."

"All hail Cerberus implants?" He said cautiously.

"Cheers," she sounded sarcastic. "Let's sleep."

"Just like that? You just swallow whatever happens, put on your game face in the morning and go out there to inspire people, command the ship and do everyone and their uncle a favour?"

"Been doing it all my life."

"Fuck. Jo, tell me one thing. Have you ever really done something for yourself, just because you wanted to?"

"Yeah. _You're_ here, aren't you? Worked my ass off for that."

"Yes, but before? For thirty years before last night?"

"What is this, a shrink appointment at three a.m.? Because Jeff, I'm trained to withstand all kinds of psychological warfare."

"I'm not working against you, Jo."

"I know. I'm sorry, you just ask really difficult questions."

He was, he realised. Why was he asking anyway, when he already knew? Back when she was dead, he'd hacked her Alliance files and reports. He'd found that she wasn't spending almost any of her money from the day she'd joined the military. She'd dedicated her life to duty without a thought to herself. She expected enemies everywhere and opened up only to a few carefully selected friends. Of course she slapped on a smile every day, no matter how horrible her night had been, he should never have asked her that. This was Commander Shepard in a nutshell.

"Tell you what. We have some time now and I'm going to find out what you like."

"What I like?"

"Yeah. Your favourite food, music, vids, colours, whatever. You deserve to have things that you like, not just bare necessities of survival."

She looked at him for a while as if the concept didn't even compute for her. Then she turned to her side and offered him her back to spoon against. He complied and wrapped his arm around her belly.

"You're all I ever wanted," she said quietly.

His alarm woke him at the usual time, but Jo whispered to him to ignore it. A while later her alarm sounded and they ignored it, too. For once they could sleep in together. It felt so good that he hummed, pressing her warm body against him. Her butt cheeks rubbed innocently against his morning wood, making him gasp in sweet pain. Geez, if this was what his life was going to be like from now on – the hottest woman in the world in bed with him, letting him fondle her breasts instead of a morning workout – he was a goner. Or maybe he could persuade her to have another kind of morning workout with him…

She hissed a little. So, the jaw and the shoulder weren't quite as healed as she made it sound in the night?

"Mo'nin'," he pressed his lips against her neck. "Did you sleep okay the rest of the night?" When she said nothing, he cursed. "You didn't sleep at all anymore, right?"

"You're magical, Jeff, but I have a long way to go before I'm back to being a normal person. I had almost four hours of sleep tonight, it's better than usual."

"So, what's our plan for today?"

"Once we cleaned up the broken glass around here, I'll make space for your things. I'd like you to move here with me."

His head jerked up.

"But… everyone would realise what's going on!"

"Obviously."

"You'd want the crew to know?" He couldn't help sounding shocked. He hadn't thought so far ahead in this relationship. He'd thought a lot further, beyond the Reaper war even, but not about this.

"Jeff, you will _not_ be my dirty little secret," she said firmly. "If you're not ready to tell other people, I'll understand. But sneaking around and lying will never be my choice of action. I don't know about you, but I'm proud of having you in my life."

"And what are they going to say? We're breaking all fraternisation rules here, and they'll probably be resentful."

"You're the one to talk about rules. We're not in the military. In fact, I quit the Alliance just for this very reason. And since we came to the SR2 I've never stopped any informal relationships among the crew, either. One of the techies is pregnant. Did you see Gabby and Ken yesterday? Kasumi is trying to seduce Jacob and I think Jack and Zaeed had a little tumble between the sheets. Samara and Mordin are flirting like there is no tomorrow. Hadley's hot for Goldstein. And most importantly: Garrus and Tali are in love. Terribly, awkwardly, painfully in love. But don't ever mention that to either of them or I _will_ kill you. They don't even realise that what they feel is love, and I'm not interfering. They're both too socially awkward to do anything about it now. So you see, the whole ship is entangled in some form of informal relationships and I'm not going to forbid anyone things I do and feel myself."

Joker listened to the whole thing, but he'd only heard one phrase.

"You resigned from the Alliance for me?"

"Pretty much."

"You killed your career for me?!" He propped himself on his hand, looming over her. A sudden wave of panic hit him. All the times he'd imagined her as an Admiral, commanding armies with one word – she'd given it up **for him**? She'd sacrificed everything she could have been, was destined to be, needed to be – **for him**? He was the reason she was never going to be anything more than Lieutenant Commander? No. No, he couldn't be responsible for that. He couldn't take that kind of sacrifice, not from the woman who was meant to be at the top of the world.

"No," she shook her head, but he didn't listen to her.

"Oh my god, you sacrificed your whole future for me, why the hell did you do that?" He climbed off the bed and started pacing the room erratically. "You should have been an Admiral, you could have commanded armies, you could lead us all in this coming war, and you gave it all up for me? How could you do that to yourself and to me? You stupid woman! I never pegged you for the type to give up everything for a man. Damn, the single greatest thing I love about you is that you'd never be one of those compliant, subdued, subordinate women! Damn it, how could you?"

Jo watched him for a moment or two. When it became clear that his panic wasn't going to subside, she laboured herself off the bed, grabbed the front of his shirt and almost violently shoved him against the fish tank.

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau, stop babbling and listen to me!" She snapped at him in her commanding voice. It worked. He stopped talking and looked at her, for real this time. "I didn't kill my career for you. I left the organisation that I couldn't keep supporting with a clear conscience, and by doing so I also freed my way to be with you without the fraternisation rules forcing us apart."

He surprised her when he grabbed her arms and turned, throwing her against the illuminated glass. Her shoulder screamed in pain again, but Joker was in her face now, his green eyes shooting lightning bolts at her.

"You had everything ahead of you. You could have been anyone, could have been at the top of the world. And now you gave it all up, like some medieval housewife, for a man? I expected better from you. I needed better from you, damn it! I needed you independent, righteous, free. And now look what you've done!"

She let him press her into the fish tank. If he needed to vent, she'd let him.

"And who am I?"

"You're the saviour of the galaxy. As an Admiral you could have been up there with the greatest leaders!"

"If I were an Admiral in the Alliance, I would have been forced to represent humanity only. Come on, Joker, you're the smartest person I know. Don't you see that I couldn't keep doing what I do in the name of the Alliance, that corrupt and rotten organisation, or in the name of humanity, when my end goal is to unite _all the races_! I've also found out a few things about the Alliance that put a definite end to that relationship, and it had nothing to do with you. Besides, there are far greater things than an Alliance Admiral. The real top is a lot higher than that, my lover. That's where I'm headed, so I left behind whatever was holding me back."

He stepped back and scrutinised her carefully.

"Promise me you'll never sacrifice your career for me. I couldn't live with myself if I knew you did that."

Jo stepped away from the fish tank and assumed the Commander posture.

"I promise that I'll never be a medieval housewife. I promise to make my career choices over your head and to always to stay your commanding officer."

"Thank you."

"Now tell me, why did I have to promise all these things?" She truly hadn't expected him to go berserk on her like that. But he simply shrugged:

"What's the point in being with the strongest woman in the galaxy if she isn't at the top of the food chain?"

"Uhuh," she didn't know how to take that, or if she even believed him. He made it simpler for her:

"In other words: there is nothing hotter in the morning than saluting the woman you've been stupping all night."

Jo laughed out loud:

"Now **that** I do believe. So, are you moving in here with me or not? I can make it an order, if you want."

"Would you wear a black mask and stilettos and crack a whip when you issue that order?" He waggled his eyebrows.

"If that's what rocks your boat – yes."

"Nice."

"Does it? Rock your boat?"

"What do you think?"

She tugged him to the bed and they fell back between the warm sheets.

"Did we just survive our first fight?" She exhaled deeply. He looked at his omnitool:

"Took us less than forty hours to get into one."

"I never knew you were so passionate about my career."

"You're a wild thing, Jo. The worst thing to ever happen to you is domestication."

Jo didn't know what to say to that. She wanted to ask him how he saw himself in that equation. She wanted to say that this was an unusual way for a man to see a woman. And that she loved him even more for it.

She hesitated because the moment didn't really need words. And the next second he was on top of her again, pulling her sleeping tank top off her.

"Damn," he said, running his hands over her naked upper body with reverence. "I wish this wasn't a quote."

"What?"

"I'm staring at a goddess. She's telling me she wants me. I'm not gonna waste one more second wondering how I've gotten so lucky. She smells like angels ought to smell. The perfect woman. The goddess."

"Goldie," Jo whispered through a sudden knot in her throat. "Call me Goldie."

"You know that one?"

"I've been watching a lot of vids and reading a lot of books lately. Come over here," she tugged at his shirt to get him closer but he gently took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles:

"Don't be ridiculous, Jo. You've got a dislocated shoulder, your jaw is shattered and you're bruised all over after the suicide mission. You need to rest."  
"Joker, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard from you. Come here," she tugged at his shirt again. Once again he stopped her hands. That got her curious. He wasn't worried about the leg braces he'd been wearing the other night, but he didn't want to take off his shirt? What kind of demons was she fighting against now?

He took control by running his hands over her exposed body.

"That day when you and Kasumi went to Hock's party, you wore a very short dress."

"Yes?"

"I didn't notice these scars on your legs then. How come?"

"Lots and lots of concealer. Kasumi brought me a whole bottle."

"I see. I just don't see one thing."

"What is that?"

"Where are your tattoos? On your back? Maybe on your butt? Come on, turn over, show me."

She obediently rose to show him her back: white, smooth skin without a single blemish of ink.

"I've got no tattoos," she said before falling back onto the pillow.

"But you're a marine! All of you guys end up with tattoos sooner or later. Not even a little prideful N7 tat anywhere? Really?"

"I actually had an N1 sign tattooed on me, but I had it removed."

"Where was it? And why remove?"

"Right here," she put her finger on her left breast, where a chest pocket of a male military uniform would usually be. Maybe an inch above her perky nipple. "I had to have it removed for N3."

"Can you tell me about it? Or is it the type of thing when you have to kill me if you tell me?"

"I can only give you an outline. N3 was my first specialisation course. I went for civilian infiltration."

"The what? And the what?"

"Oh, boy," Jo laughed, and they made themselves comfortable under a blanket. "You may have noticed that the N program doesn't only train soldiers. That is, N1 and N2 actually do train the recruits in combat. After that you can choose a specialisation. Among other things there is the intelligence branch, where you definitely would have been invited, if you could handle the N1 and N2. I went with civilian infiltration. It means they made me a perfect spy, Joker. A spy in political and corporate environment, not a military spy. I couldn't parade around a reception in a skimpy dress flashing my allegiance with the N school, now could I? So I had the tattoo removed and never got any others."

Joker's head was busting with questions all of a sudden.

"You said it was your first specialisation? What are others? What other branches are there? D'you really think I would have made it into that program if my bones were strong enough? They taught you to parade around in a skimpy dress? Are you like James Bond with boobs?"

"Hold your horses, I can't answer most of that, it's classified. I do think you would have flourished as a hacker at the villa, but it's not about your bones. To get a chance to choose your specialisation you have to prove first that you are tough enough to enter the program and survive the first two levels. And they are too much to handle for 90% of… everyone."

"Survive them? Some people didn't survive?!"

"Of course. Fatality is an acceptable outcome of the training there. They invite, they never force anyone. But if you enter, you submit to one rule: do or die."

"Phew. Tough."

"That's kind of the definition of the N school, lover."

"Ok, you can't tell me everything, but you did tell me once that you had to sleep with a target to advance in your courses. Tell me about that."

"That is definitely classified. All I can say is that it was necessary to get from N3 to N4."

"And what does N4 include?"

"Oh, stick around long enough and one day…"

"…you might just tell me," he laughed. "I heard that before."

"Your turn. I definitely saw a few tattoos on your chest the other night. Come on, show me."

Joker had really hoped she wouldn't force the issue so soon. He'd kept his shirt on as long as he could, but now her insistent hands tugged it off his torso.

Jo was curious about his obvious unwillingness to show her his skin. Was this really about those tattoos she'd seen on his chest? She didn't mind if he had the name of some ex-girlfriend tattooed over his heart, but his reluctance intrigued her.

He had the SR1 Normandy tattooed on his right shoulder, complete with blue flashing thrusters. Directly beneath his collar bones there were two wings, majestic, with rich feathers, spread for flight. And right above his heart…

Jo suddenly heaved, headache slammed against her temples and her insides turned to stone.

Right over his heart there was a broken N7 badge. Not the emblem of the school, but an actual piece of her armour, depicted over the background of a beautiful nebula. Pieces were breaking off that badge and being sucked to the left under his pectoral muscle, where they dissolved, faded to a lighter shade and vanished.

Jo looked at that starry nebula over his sternum, at that badge perpetually breaking apart and being sucked into the void on his skin, and she felt exactly like when she realised she was being spaced. Just like she felt when she stood on Alchera amidst the Normandy's ruins. Like she felt when she looked out of the window into the empty void. Sick. The tattoo threw her back to that day and the longer she looked, the harder it was to keep her nerves and the contents of her stomach down.

She slapped her hand on his chest and the other over her eyes to get the picture out of her immediate line of sight. She took a few deep breaths. He said nothing.

"Why?..." She croaked. Her voice betrayed her.

"So that I never forget what I did."

She kept her eyes closed and shielded. She couldn't risk looking at the tattoo again and being sucked back into the vortex of nothingness, of death. It brought up all the memories of tonight's nightmare she tried to suppress, it drove home that her grip on life was but a feeble thing, that she was a dead woman walking, that the warm and soothing darkness beyond the veil was where she truly belonged and it wanted her, called for her.

Only she didn't want to go back there anymore. Not now. She'd found love in the arms of a man and she wanted to stay with him.

"I don't want to get into a deep discussion of what you think you may or may not have done that day, Jeff, but I do have one very practical request. I'll beg, if you want. Please, please have this one removed. It literally makes me sick in the stomach."

"I know. It makes me feel the same. That's the whole point."

"Did you spend the two years staring at it, thinking you killed me?"

She kept her eyes closed as they spoke.

"I did kill you."

"You didn't kill me. You acted like a hero, giving everyone time to evacuate, and you were willing to die for us. It's not your fault that I got spaced. How could it possibly be your fault?"

"Maybe logically you're right, but I couldn't help the way I felt in those two years. I lost the most important person in the whole world that day."

"But I'm back. And that tattoo is morbid."

"That's how I felt when I had it done," he sounded strained, but then she felt his warm hand on her face. "I'll have it removed if it disturbs you so much, of course."

"Thank you. It just reminds me of things I don't want to remember." The silence between them was too heavy to enjoy, so Jo tried to lighten up the conversation: "Any other tattoos?"

"Yeah, just one more. You can look, it's safe," he chuckled and she heard him move on the bed. When she opened her eyes, he lay on his stomach, showing her his back. The tattoo was nothing more than a simple black one-inch-wide vertical bar running almost the entire length of his spine.

"What's that?"

"My iron core."

She didn't need to ask any more questions about that. She could very well imagine.

"And the wings? Why are they on your chest and not on your back?"

"They're not a symbol of my flying. Such a symbol would be better on the back, as you suggest. Those wings are the image of a goal, whatever goal I may have, and me achieving that goal. I looked at them in the mirror every morning through flight school, through everything that's happened afterwards. They helped me become the best pilot in the galaxy and overcome many things. They lift me up. Not above ground, though. Above…"

"What?"

"Opinions."

There was nothing she could say to that. She understood completely and was touched more than a little.

"So," he said against the pillow. "We have a big problem."

"Oh?"

"Yes. We're stuck on this ship for two weeks without any tattoo parlours in sight and you can't look at me without barfing. What are we going to do?"

"You mean about this?" She playfully slid her hand beneath him to feel his semi-hard shaft. "We get creative. EDI, turn off the day lights."

The room plunged into darkness, leaving only the lights from the fish tank on and Jo took off her remaining sleeping clothes. She helped him out of his boxers and proceeded to show him that her magic hands could get him stone hard within seconds. Then she came up again to spoon against him, lifted one knee and guided him inside her slick and hot entrance from behind. He groaned helplessly against the back of her neck, the scent of her shampoo clouding his brain. Why hadn't he thought of this position that one time fifteen years ago? So many things could have been different. Only right now he didn't want anything to be different. His face was buried in the fragrant cascade of pale gold that was always outside of other men's reach, his dick was buried balls-deep in a slick, hot, pulsing-tight pussy and his arms were full of sweaty, warm _woman_ who loved him, wanted him, and wasn't doing this for money. He wished he could tell her how much she meant to him, but words failed him completely. This angel and demon in one package, this goddess, this pleading look in her grey-brown eyes killed him surer than any of her bullets could. Killed him with kindness. He was falling. Into the depth of those eyes, into the warmth of her body, and deeper, deeper in love.

Jo and Joker were holding hands when they took the elevator down to the mess hall. Most of the crew sat at the tables with their lazy, late breakfast. Heads turned towards them, when they appeared. Glances travelled down to their joined hands, conversations stopped, eyebrows rose.

"Good morning, everyone," Jo announced firmly, but friendly. "For a couple of days now Joker and I have been in a romantic relationship, and therefore we're sharing quarters." She let her glance wander over the faces. "Does anyone wish to comment?"

"Hell, yes," Garrus said. "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations!" Tali echoed him. "You both look so happy."

The murmurs of encouragement from the others seemed less enthusiastic. Most of them stared at the couple, unbelieving, sceptical or simply confused. Jack spelled it out for everyone:

"How the fuck did that happen? The Creepy and the Grumpy," she pointed at Jo and Joker respectively. "Together? How does that even work?"

Jo paused. There weren't many situations in her life anymore when she didn't know what to say. To gain some time to think she tugged Joker to the two empty seats, thus placing the two of them inside this circle of confused people. It was a simple tactic of showing that they were all one team, not facing off against each other, and it worked like a charm. As the crew rearranged themselves around the table to look at them, they were more curious than bewildered now.

"What is it that confuses you so, Jack?" Jo asked. This was a negotiation they had to deal with as a couple this one time before the whole ship's dynamic would change forever and true acceptance would settle in. Up until now there hadn't been any official couples here and everyone at least pretended to be professional. The Normandy would never be the same again after the Commander and one of the crew declared they were in a relationship.

"Fuck… How is it even supposed to work? Wouldn't you break both of his legs or something?"

"I haven't so far, it stands to reason I won't in the future."

"Erm…" The realisation of what Jo had just said ran across Jack's face as well as the others, and all of them seemed to be adjusting their universe to the image of Commander Fucking Shepard having sex with Joker. "But… But…"

"What about professionalism?" Jacob helped Jack out there.

"Right, professionalism," Jo nodded. "I think we all agree that some ground rules should be established, so let's do it right here and now. I personally don't care about anyone on my ship being in a relationship, as long as it doesn't affect our jobs. For my own part I can promise that the day anyone catches me and Jeff doing anything inappropriate together during working hours will be the day I resign as the CO of this ship. I expect nothing less from the rest of you, too. Outside working hours, though, all bets are off."

"So you're saying that you don't mind people fucking all around the ship?" Zaeed asked. As Jo looked at him, she saw a strange twinkle in his eyes as he looked at her and Joker. Like he knew something even she didn't.

"As long it doesn't affect your duties – I couldn't care less."

"As love can be selfish and distracting," Samara said. "It can also give strength and resolve needed to deal with extreme situations. And you, as Commander Shepard, are constantly facing impossible odds. I think it's only right for you to pursue whatever happiness you can find."

"But why him, Shepard?" Grunt finally spoke up. "The cripple? He is weak and unworthy of you."

"I'd be choosing the next words carefully if I were you," Joker finally spoke up. He'd been facing this interrogation silently until now, but he would never stand for anyone diminishing his qualities, even if it was a gigantic, unbalanced krogan teenager. "I'm the one who's flown the Normandy years before you were even born, I've saved the ship, the crew and the Commander more times than you can count in that peanut-sized brain of yours _while_ you were still a peanut in your tank. I've flown us to and out of the Reaper land with 2.63 seconds left until the explosion just yesterday. There is no Normandy without me. No offence, Hadley. Grunt, you'd personally be dead half a dozen times over if it weren't for me, while your only skill seems to be talking too much. You're not even a very strong krogan compared to your predecessor, so you definitely aren't the one to talk about weakness or unworthiness of anyone. So here I am, brittle bones and all. Look me in the eye and dare to repeat what you just said."

Jo's heart was racing in her chest. Joker had clearly taken a page out of her book when it came to dealing with her krogan baby. She'd established her dominance in their mother-child relationship a long time ago, and he needed to step in to take his place on her level in this equation. That meant subduing Grunt to his willpower. And as with all creatures driven by animal instinct it could only be done by winning a staring contest.

The whole crew didn't dare to move while the two males stared at each other across the table. Jo had trouble breathing. Joker wasn't one for direct power play. Usually it was her department. The next minute showed her that, one, he was determined to do anything for her, no matter how dangerous or uncharacteristic, and two, he had a dark, dangerous side to him as well. She hadn't known about that before she'd died, but she suspected that it was a new addition, acquired during the months he believed her dead. The tattoo on his chest was hard proof of the darkness plaguing him. All the times he yelled at her or violently pushed her against walls since she came back were proof that he now had this dark, confrontational, reckless and violent side to him. In this stare-down between him and Grunt Jo felt the one thing from Joker that took many recruits at the N school too much time to learn. The undertone to his voice and expression that told his opponent: I _will_ have my way or die, because you can kill my body but you will _never_ be able to break my will.

She doubted Joker was dong it consciously, but that was the same attitude with which he'd grabbed and owned her on the night before the mission. He made her his with the same determination with which he was about to make Grunt his bitch. That attitude didn't simply make her hot for him. More than that, it resonated with a deep part of her own personality.

Grunt suddenly leaned over the table and sniffed at his human opponent. With a dismissive shake of his head he declared:

"You smell like her. If she thinks you're worthy, it's her problem."

He left then, stomped away to return to the cargo bay, but everyone knew who'd won that round. Joker righted his hat and looked around.

"Anyone else has got anything to say?"

Thane was smiling gently in his enigmatic way. Chakwas bit her lip trying not to. Garrus looked down at his hands, shaking his head a little and stealing glances at Tali. It was Donnelly who broke the silence:

"So, does that mean you'll be vacating your bunk in the dorm?"

"Suppose so, yeah."

"Mind if I take it?" Gabby feigned innocence. "I'm tired of leaping up and down from my bed."

"And it makes no never mind to you that it's right next to Donnelly's?" Joker poked and both Gabby and Ken started blushing. The tense moment broke when everyone started teasing each other about changing the sleeping arrangements in the dorm to everyone's liking, speculating about more couples that could go public now that the Commander declared it an official possibility. Jo leaned over to whisper in her lover's ear:

"You're responsible for what you've tamed. He is now your krogan baby, too, I hope you realise that."

Joker only rolled his eyes with a groan, but she could tell he was kind of proud of himself.


End file.
